|Princess Bride: How it should have ended
Author: Borimamiss PM
Well, it always perplexed me how this couple could just up and pick up where they left off. So, I decided to write a parody about how things really should have went :Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Words: 1,100 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 3 - Published: 04-28-11 - Status: Complete - id: 6947228
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
It was 3' o clock in the morning, in the little farm town where Buttercup and Wesley lived. They had decided to move back there after Wesley had went through all the trouble of climbing the cliffs of insanity, nearly getting burned alive in the fire swamp, and basically being resurrected again. But, all that didn't matter because, Buttercup wanted to move back so she could feel closer to her roots. What Buttercup wants, Buttercup gets. After all, what they had was "True love", and that doesn't happen everyday. Well this particular early morning, Buttercup couldn't sleep. She kept dreaming about the day that Wesley had left her, never to have been seen again for an entire 5 years. Buttercup kept having this incessant dream over and over again, and she wanted it to stop. She begged and pleaded Wesley to make a streneous journey all the way back to the woods where he met Miracle Max, so he could ask him for an eggplant sized chocolate pill that would get rid of the annoying dreams. Of course, since Wesley would do anything for his beloved, he packed up his satchel and picked out the finest of the fine white horses they had stolen from the king and he was off. For some reason, this trip seemed like no trouble at all, and absolutley nobody gave him a hard time. He wondered why that was and he figured it was because he was not a woman, nor was he betrothed. The woods tended to become more dangerous in the month where suitors would ask their girlfriends to be their wives. Wesley was soon at Miracle Max's, bargaining for one of his brilliant chocolate placebo's. As soon as Wesley was finished with his task at hand, he made sure to make his goodbye's very long ones. Miracle Max was getting old, and Wesley did NOT like the long trip to him. At once, Wesley was back home. Fondling and caressing and spoiling and kissing his princess Buttercup.
"Oh, my love. I DO hope that this miracle pill cures you of your ailing dreams. I shall cease to exist if my beloved can not get another nights sleep." Wesley declared.
"Oh my cliche' love!" Buttercup beckoned, "Thank you. Thank you for wishing me good health! Oh, where I would be without you, let us not dothst think of it."
"No! Never! Let us NEVER think of that! Why, I would rather move the heavens and hell themselves before thou thinketh such filth!"
"But, Wesley, My love." Buttercup interjected.
"Yes, my delicate flower petal"?
"You DID go, and there was a period of time...actually a very very LONG period of time where I believed you were dead. I thought, I would never see my love again." She said, with terror behind her voice.
"My dear Honey crumpet, the important thing... is that I am back now. I will never leave your side again."
"Yes, yes that is all well and good I suppose. But you see, I just realized...that devastates me. I mean...here I was, a teenager for heaven's sakes and the man I love decided on a whim he needs to see the world." Buttercup snapped. "I mean, I might not have realized that bothered me BEFORE. Especially when I could have married a wealthy king , and gotten away with sleeping with all of the knights in the castle while he was out on the hunt. But, now that we've found each other again...I mean what was up with that? What, no postcard?" Buttercup asked, pacing back and forth.
"My love, feelings for loved ones, especially love, was a weakness on the dread Pirate Roberts ship! If I would have written you a letter, they probably would have killed me!" Wesley confessed.
"This means nothing. I mean, what happened to love has no bounds? Love can conquer anything? All you need is Love?" Buttercup asked.
"Oh my dear sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, angel. I'm afraid you know not what you say. It was either keep you in the dark...or death my love. And I wanted to come back to you more than anything in the whole world." Wesley said, convincingly.
"I thought you were dead. I thought you were not on this EARTH anymore for FIVE lousy years! WHAT IF I WOULD'VE GOTTEN MARRIED!" Buttercup screamed.
"Well you would not love him, you would love me."
"Why.. is that? That is not true, I would only marry for Love"! Buttercup said.
"That's exactly why you were about to marry Humperdink, correct?" Wesley snapped.
"Wesley, that is not the point! If you loved me, wouldn't you WANT me to know that you are alive and well. Oh and also maybe to remind me to keep my chasteness? You know, just in case I would like to see what it is like to be with a man?"
", did you?" Wesley asked.
"Did I what?"
"Keep...you know. Your chasteness?"
"Oh Wesley! What sort of a question is that?"
"An unanswered one, my dear." Wesley said sarcastically.
"Well, it WAS five years you know..."
Wesley stood there, mouth wide open. Shocked at what he had just heard.
"You...you didn't. Oh, my sweet angel princess lilac turtle dove! Say it isn't so! Tell me, that I, your delusional true love for 5 years was our first time! Oh please my rosemary bush!" Wesley pleaded.
"I'm sorry Wesley, but i'm afraid you weren't! I simply lost my desires for you after thinking you were dead the whole of the time, and pleasing myself wasnt as fun. Needles hurt you know my dear Wesley!" Buttercup prodded.
"Who?...Who was it? Who deflowered my flower?"
"INIGO! OOHHH, WHY? OH MY GOD. THAT IS SO-THAT IS SO UGHHHHH! INIGO? NO, ONE OF THE MEN WHO HAD CAPTURED YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE?"
"Well, it got bored on that ship." Buttercup declared.
"That is it, i'm sorry, but I simply cannot do this anymore. You and I? This getting back together thing after half a decade, just is not working out for us." Wesley said.
"I couldn't agree more! I cannot believe I didn't have anybody for 5 years because of you!"
"Well, i'll tell you one thing sweety. When I was on my ship, my deck mates weren't the ONLY ones getting booty!"
"You'll never be anything more than a farmboy! Get your overalls, and get out!"