|The Sword is Mightier than the Pen
Author: Remolay PM
Deadpool is hired by a certain professor for mutant freaks to investigate a Mind Control plot. Wolverine ends up along for the ride, much to his dismay.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 5 - Words: 5,092 - Reviews: 10 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 6 - Updated: 04-28-12 - Published: 04-30-11 - Status: Complete - id: 6953663
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
AN: This is not an authors note.
"Hey Logan," I said, obviously bored off of my ass. He didn't respond. I repeated myself and he continued to ignore me. I gradually started asking faster and faster, louder and louder. "HEY LOGAN! YO, LOGAN! LOOOOOOOOOOGAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"
"What is it!" He snapped at me. Man, no need to get so rude.
"Are we there yet?"
"We've been there for 10 minutes," He sounded very much annoyed. Maybe I shouldn't have asked him this 5 minutes ago. "We're waiting to talk to Xavier for gods sake!"
"Oh alright." I waited another minute. "Hey Logan."
"Yes!" He yelled. "Yes we are freaking there!"
"I wasn't going to say that," I responded in a very cheerful voice. "I was going to ask if you've ever considered anger management classes." Oh my god this is too much fun. Oh boy he looks really mad right now. Am I talking out loud instead of narrating again?
Okay, I guess not. Safe for now. Good. LOGAN IS A DOODY HEAD!
And then I got my arm cut off. "You know what, Logan. It's a bitch to put that thing back on. Can you help me out?" He said nothing. "Logan? You're not telling me to shut the hell up, is everything okay?" I looked to my side and Logan was no where to be found. My arm was gone too. In fact, I wasn't even in Charles Xavier's school for magical freaks anymore. It was more like a... A jumbled mess of Superheroes, Scifi characters, and a dragon thingy,
"The term is Draconequus, and I figured I should keep you within the realm of storytelling," a strange new voice said. A tall unshaven teen wearing pajamas walked out of the shadows carrying a large pen. "Sorry to bring you here this way, I got lazy."
"I'm more worried about where the hell my arm is at the moment," I said to him. I was probably going to have to kill this guy, and I'd really like to be able to use both swor- Oh yeah. Logan broke one.
"Heh, you aren't going to kill me anyway, Wade." God dammit, am I speaking instead of thinking again? "No, that's working just fine, I can just see everything that's going on in this story."
Ah, so he was the one. "You sent the Mary Sue, didn't you."
"Technically, yes," He responded rubbing the back of his head. "I originally had a much bigger plan. Had a 'Writer' for you to track down and kill and everything. In fact, the wall behind me was originally a wall of portals to different fictional worlds. But I realized something." He looked sad. This was starting to get a bit weird. "I love you, Deadpool. You're my favorite Marvel character. But I can't write for you. I don't read comics often enough for you guys to be in character."
Wait wait wait a minute. He can't write for us? He's the Author! Wait. Out of character! "What do you mean out of character?"
"Remember the genuine hug you offered Logan? How Xavier said the he could contact you through a psychic link?" A large page appeared in front of him, with text scrolling up. I think he was reading this thing backwards, "Oh hey, Logan hasn't called anyone 'Bub' once, you being envious of him, and- Oooh, this is a big one." His face lit up. He was getting some sort of joy out of critiquing his own work. "Setting up Chekhov's gun, and after getting rid of the Sue's writer, it looks like it will never be fired." Chekov's gun?
"When did we start talking about Star Trek?" I asked. The author just sighed.
"You're missing the point completely. Here's the thing. I don't want to just stop the story dead in it's tracks, but I don't want to keep going. So I'm going to end it by killing you, or more removing you from my mind. But I'm also going to give you the illusion of a fighting chance."
He scrolled all the way to the bottom of his text and started writing more. My arm and broken sword were both suddenly attached and completely intact. I unsheathed the other kitana as he flung his text to the floor. He pointed his pen at me as if it were a threat. "You're seriously going to use that as your weapon of choice?" I laughed. "Illusion my right ass cheek."
I attacked him with both swords, but he blocked with the pen and stabbed me in the chest. Black ink appeared to come out of the wound instead of blood. "By the way," he spoke calmly as we continued our fight. "I use fountain pens." He stabbed me in the leg "Those things are pointier than you'd think." Yeah, I think the pain I have told me that before you got the chance. "And don't forget. This is my story. All damage I do is permanent."
Time to go through the flowchart of ass-pulls is my head. Is it a recap page? no. Ah, ending already. Do awesome thing, got it.
The author flinched in surprise. "Wait a minute, I didn't write that bit," he said while I slashed his hand. He screamed in pain and the pen flew out of his hand. I grabbed it as quickly as I can. "How? This isn't possible! I'm the author! I write the damn story!"
I pulled up the words from before and started writing. My pen wounds immediately healed and the former author started punching himself. Then I decided to read chapter one.
"You son of a bitch! This shouldn't be possible!" he yelled while still punching himself. The words "You mad, bro?" appeared in front of his eyes. "Yes I'm mad you stupid-" But he never finished his sentence, because I threw a sword through his head. The world around me began to fade away. The author was dead. All that remained was me, his corpse and the pen... which has just faded away. Crap.
"Ass-pull by one!" I yelled as I used my teleportation device. I reappeared in Xaviers office, my severed arm on the desk.
"I figured you'd come back for this," Xavier said. "But it seems you've got a new one."
" Yeah, long story." I responded. "Good one too, I wrote the ending. Now, about my fee..."
AN: And now this mess is over. I don't remember when exactly I changed the villain in the story to myself, but I'm pretty okay with how it turned out. In the original, Logan was going to be mind controlled again, and when that ended the writer was going to escape by adding Bea Arthur to the story. It could have led to crossovers, but I never really decided before changing the villain completely.
Thank you again for following this trainwreck, I hope to bring excellent stories to you in the future.