|When Characters Don't Behave
Author: BruisedSmile PM
Rachel Berry gets her 'Glee' storyline brief… and is less than impressed.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Rachel B. & Jesse sJ. - Words: 1,456 - Reviews: 33 - Favs: 20 - Follows: 4 - Published: 05-05-11 - Status: Complete - id: 6967114
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
When Characters Don't Behave
A Conversation with Rachel Berry
Director: [points] 'That's Finn. You like him and will obsess over him for three years before we finally get you together for no believable reason.'
Rachel: 'Okay. Why do I like him? Do we have anything in common? Will it involve character development? Do we have natural and undeniable chemistry? Are there good reasons why I believe so strongly that we are perfect for each other?'
Director: 'You just do.'
Rachel: 'But to be a believable love story and to stay in character, surely I need more…'
Rachel: 'People won't believe a girl like me just falls head over heels for a guy she meets for the first time and has nothing in common with. Maybe it would be a stronger story if we got together, realised we were wrong for each other and became good friends on an equal and balanced footing? That portrays themes of growing up, letting go, adapting and changing your view of yourself and the world in a realistic and touching way.'
Director: 'No. You will get together, break up, fight and be jealous, screw up each other's relationships for petty reasons, before being reunited in a big, pointless and emotional finale where you get together in an extremely contrived way that will enrage huge numbers of fans. Oh, and in the meantime – you will find and lose the real love of your life.'
Rachel: 'W-Wait, what?'
Director: 'Yeah, when you meet a guy called Jesse – just laugh, sing, make out, become a fully rounded, deeper and more likable character, realise your full potential and how it feels to finally meet your soulmate and equal – generally go and have the time of your life – and then just, you know, forget he ever existed.'
Rachel: [Glowers indignantly] 'How the hell do you expect me to do that?'
Director: 'Oh, it'll be easy. We'll just assassinate his character in the last few episodes and have him wound you emotionally beyond repair. Viewers will hate him and you will go back to hopelessly fawning over a boy for no reason other than that you can't have him. Oh, and because we say so.'
Rachel: 'And what if people see through your facade, fall in love with our chemistry and Jesse proves so popular that people want him back?'
Director: 'Oh, well in that case we'll just use him as a plot device to thrust you and Finn unwillingly back into each others arms.'
Rachel: [Narrows eyes dangerously, hand on hip] 'That is lame beyond belief.'
Director: [Smug expression] 'Live with it.'
Rachel: 'This makes no freaking sense at all. How can you expect people to care and invest in my character when I'm all over the place in my affections and rife with weak inconsistencies? People will just get annoyed. And especially if they have to watch me walk away from the love of my life all over again, just because you people can't admit when you've made an error in judgement and won't let go of a bad idea!'
Director: [shrugs] 'The fans of Finchel will be happy.'
Rachel: 'But the characters won't be! You can't force love or chemistry where there is none, it won't work. What you're talking about isn't even love! It's an obsessive crush – based on no solid foundations or realistic perceptions and will only fall apart time and time again. Something so flimsy and lazily conceived will never last.'
Director: 'Enough. You have your directions – go and live them out in typically flamboyant, dramatic, over-emotional style.'
Rachel: 'But… But you can't give me a taste of real love and passion, a musical and romantic partnership so hot and explosive it melts the screen, and then just expect me to go back to wining and pining over Finn. It's stupid. Even for you.'
Director: [Angry glare] 'Do you want me to make Quinn the lead?'
Rachel: [Throws hands up] 'FINE! I'll do it. I'll just ignore all rules of character development, become shallow and narrow minded and repetitive in my obsessive pursuit of a boy who I don't even know why I'm chasing in the first place, and pretend that things like common goals, engaging and dynamic personalities, mutual careers and insane chemistry aren't the real basis for a lasting and truly believable love story. Okay?'
Director: 'Perfect. Oh, and if you could throw in some random make outs with Puckerman, that would be even better. We want to hedge our bets.'
Rachel: [sarcastic voice] 'Of course. And if that fails, I'll just have sex with Quinn on Prom night or elope with Mr. Schue just before Graduation. You know, just to shake things up. I mean, if characters and believability are worth jack shit anyway – we may as well really push the boat out and pander to absolutely everybody.'
Director: 'Oh don't worry, we're already saving that for Sweeps Week.'
Rachel: [thunks forehead]
Director: 'Off you go now. And remember – big smiles, emotional solos and plenty of moony eyed looks for the love of your life.'
Rachel: 'Oh, yeah right. Of course. And what am I supposed to say when anyone asks me why exactly I'm so gaga over Finn?'
Director: 'You know, say that he's…That you love the way…That he's the only one who…That you both share…Oh, just call it fate or something, okay?'
Rachel: [Under breath] 'Yeah, because that's not lazy writing at all.'
Director: [Scowls] 'What was that?'
Rachel: 'Nothing. So 'lie' basically is what you're saying.'
Director: 'Not at all. Just be creative. Make something up. Anyway no-one's ever going to actually question your absurd pairing. They will accept it because we say so and it's the premise and endgame of the show. If they don't like it, they don't have to watch. But of course they will. Because, let's face it – we're fabulously outrageous and the best escapism show on TV at the moment.'
Rachel: 'Perhaps. But never underestimate the power of the internet. The chat rooms and communities won't let you get away with destroying one of the greatest love stories of our time with this mediocre garbage you seem determined to push down their throats. From what I've heard, people are already saying your 'endgame' is implausible, trite, irritating and depressing.'
Director: [evil laugh] 'Oh yeah? And how exactly are they going to stop us?'
Rachel: [innocent smile] 'Maybe the characters themselves will join forces with their supporters and rebel against you one day.'
Director: 'I'd like to see that. Remember, we own your sorry asses. You are simply the vessels that play out our ludicrous, farcical, sometimes genius ideas and storylines. Now go off and be a strong, inspirational character with a ridiculously drawn-out romantic sub-plot that makes you look weaker and more pathetic with each passing episode.'
[Director prances off to spread the chaos. Rachel grumbles and sulks.]
Rachel: 'I can't wait 'til this crap is over and I can finally move on to Broadway.'
[Her cell phone rings. Caller ID: UNKNOWN]
Rachel: [Frowns] 'Hello?'
Sexy Voice: 'Is this Rachel Berry?'
Rachel: 'Yeah. Who's this?'
Sexy Voice: 'Jesse St. James. '
Rachel: 'Huh? Wait, you mean Jesse St. James as in the troublemaking love of my life, Broadway soulmate and perfect romantic match? The character who will define our pairing as the wickedly hot lovers doomed to be ripped apart for unfathomable and dumbass reasons later on this season – that Jesse St. James?'
Jesse: 'That's the one.'
Rachel: [shrugs] 'Okay. How did you get this number?'
Jesse: 'Are you serious? I figured you'd be resigned to unexplained, inconsistent plot holes by now.'
Rachel: 'Good point. So, to what do I owe this pleasure? Seeing as how we haven't even met yet?'
Jesse: 'Well, it seems we have a little problem with our dear creators.'
Rachel: [rolls eyes] 'Tell me about it…'
AN: For some reason, I watched 'Rumours' tonight and got really pissed off. Great music (I love Fleetwood Mac) but the Rachel/Finn/Quinn triangle really irks me. Then Rachel got into my head and started ranting and I couldn't shut her up…
Oh, and I should point out that this is purely intended for fun. I don't mean to bash or insult Finchel shippers. Really, it is rather the way their story is portrayed on the show that annoys me more than anything. Peace.