Calming of the Storm

Part 2

I sat in my room alone. I still wasn't rooming with anyone and so I had been enjoying time alone. I was constantly thinking about Logan. It had been a week since we had all hung out and I was losing his mind. Logan was coming over more and more but it was still torturing me because we weren't together.

I heard a knock on the door and saw Carlos walk in the room. He sat down on Logan's old bed and I couldn't help but miss Logan more, because he wasn't sleeping next to me anymore.

"You've been really quiet the last few days and we are all really worried about you." Carlos said simply.

I looked at him for a few moments before I spoke. "I want Logan back. I miss him so much, even if I just had him for a few moments...I just...I need him Carlitos. I don't know what to do without him." I said miserably.

Carlos just nodded in a sympathetic manner. "I know but you have to go at Logan's pace." Carlos said.

I felt the anger start to rise in my chest. I was tired of everyone saying that to me. No one cared about what I wanted or if I was happy. I knew that I fucked up but someone could at least care what I thought. I closed my eyes and counted back from ten to try and calm myself.

"I know that, but shouldn't someone care about me. Logan isn't the only one hurting you know." I said a little meaner then I had meant to. I watched as Carlos jumped back a little bit.

"I didn't know that this was hurting you so much." Carlos said looking at me with sad eyes.

I couldn't' help but feel bad that I had snapped at him. I looked down before I started talking again. "Why wouldn't I be hurting? I hurt the only person I've ever loved and I may never get him back. This is hard on me too." I said.

He nodded. "Well, Logan still loves you. We can all see that, I promise that things will get better."

I couldn't help but hope that he would be right. I needed him to be, because I needed Logan.

–

I walked out of the apartment and went to the elevator. I pushed the button to go down to the lobby. When I got in there I saw Dak and Logan in a heavy make out session. Logan pulled away from Dak and smiled at me. "Oh, hey Kendall. You remember Dak, right? Well he's my new boyfriend, and he's ten times better than you."

I felt the pain in my heart and watched as Logan went back in to kiss Dak again. I watched as they fought for dominance and watched as Dak finally won. For some unknown reason the elevator went back up and I followed them into Dak's apartment.

They were on the couch and Logan was pulling off Dak's shirt in a desperate manner. He kissed every inch of Dak's chest and only stopped when Dak went to pull off his shirt. Dak laid on top of Logan and continued to kiss him.

I watched as Dak started to undo Logan's pants and watched as Logan's cock broke free from it's barrier. He watched Dak with lust in his eyes and Dak finally lowered his mouth onto Logan's hardening cock.

"Ngh, more." Dak bobbed his head up and down, making Logan scream his name. "Dak! God! You're so much better than what's-his-name."

I awoke with a start and felt the tears pouring down my face. The dream was fresh in my head and I couldn't get it out. The sight of Dak giving Logan a blow job was torturing me. What if that was what they were doing right at that moment? What if Logan realized that Dak was better than me?

I grabbed my head and screamed in frustration. I punched the bed in anger and sat up. I still couldn't get the image out of my head so I slammed my head into the headboard. "NO!" I screamed.

I heard my door opening and saw James poke his head in. "Are you okay?" He asked.

I wiped the tears that had fallen out of my eyes. "I'm fine." I said, trying to blow him off.

He didn't go away though, like I had hoped he would. He came in and sat down on my bed. "Kendall, what's wrong?" He asked in a concerned voice.

"I had a dream about Dak and Logan...what if they are hooking up?" I asked in a tortured voice. I watched as James' eyes softened.

"Kendall, don't worry about that. It's gonna be what its gonna be. But for the record, I don't think anything is going on between them." James said.

I felt better instantly when he said that. I knew that if anyone would know if they were hooking up it would be James and Carlos. "Okay." I said and laid back down signaling that I wanted to go back to bed.

James took the hint and walked out of the room.

–

A few days later we were all watching the Boondock Saints. I had picked it knowing that it was one of Logan's favorite movies. He loved it, even though he had seen it a hundred times.

"It still amazes me that he was trying to kill his sons, then he hears this prayer and he's done?" Carlos said in an amazed tone.

I heard Logan shush him. I couldn't help but smile at that. I saw that he was on the edge of his seat. I couldn't help but chuckle to myself, he was so into the movie it was ridiculous.

When the movie finally wrapped up James and Carlos went up to their room to get ready to go to bed. I looked at Logan and could tell that he was comfortable being with me alone and that made me happy.

"So, did you have fun tonight, Logie?" I asked in a sweet voice. I wanted him to know that I still cared about him a lot.

I couldn't help but melt when he smiled at me. "I did, I love having the gang back together its so nice having everyone together." He said with a huge grin on his face. "Well, I should get back to Dak's. I'm sure he will be up waiting to find out how things went."

I couldn't help but frown and think of the dream I had a few nights before with the mentioning of Dak's name. "Are you two together?" I asked nervously, terrified that the answer was going to be yes.

I watched as he smiled, and prepared myself for a yes. He would only smile like that if they were together. "No, we aren't. We're just friends." Logan said.

I felt relief run through my body, but I realized they didn't have to be dating for them to be fooling around together. "So you two haven't kissed or anything like that?"

I didn't know if I could take it if the answer was yes. I didn't know if I wanted to know the truth. If he said Dak kissed him, I didn't know if I would be able to control my anger.

"Well..." He said softly.

But I didn't feel angry. I felt sad, and betrayed above all else. "No! No, no, no!" I said grabbing my face.

I didn't know what to do. Part of me wanted to shake him and ask him why he would do something like that but then the other part of me wanted to hear his explanation. "Kendall, look at me." He said. I looked up and waited for him to continue. "It didn't mean anything. It was after that time I had seen you in the studio after everything had happened. He was comforting me as I was crying and I just kissed him. It felt right at the time."

I couldn't help but be completely shocked at what I had just heard. "YOU kissed HIM?" I asked. I couldn't look at him anymore. I felt the anger rising in me. How could he kiss Dak? I wanted to lash out, call him a slut and make him beg for forgiveness. But I didn't. I started pacing, trying to clear my head.

"Yes, but I realized right after that it was a mistake. I don't feel that way for him. I never have and I never could. I could never love someone like I love you, Kendall." He said desperately.

I froze. He still loved me. He would never love someone like he loves me. Not loved, but loves. I felt happiness start to push the anger aside. "Has anything happened since then?" I asked. I needed to know.

"No, nothing. Like I said I don't feel that way for him. Besides my heart still belongs to someone."

I couldn't help but smile at him. I knew that he was telling the truth. "Mine too."

I watched him smile again and I walked him to the door. I opened it for him and held it open, but I was completely shocked when I felt his arms wrap around me in a tight hug. I couldn't help but grab him and squeeze. I had wanted contact with him for so long, and now I was finally getting it.

I wanted more though, and when he pulled away I instantly missed the contact. He started walking away, but I didn't want him to. I grabbed his wrist and pulled him back and pulled him into a kiss. But I felt him pull away almost instantly. "Kendall, its too soon!" He said and then he turned and ran away.

I watched where he had been standing for several minutes and then felt like an idiot for trying to rush things. I should have known that he wasn't ready yet. I couldn't believe I had been so idiotic.

But at the same time, I was glad I had done it. I needed it. I needed the reminder that Logan was still in love with me. That he still wanted me the same way I wanted him. For the first time in a long time, I didn't have night terrors that night, and I didn't dream of Dak and Logan together.

–

The next morning, everyone at the Palm Woods was giving me weird looks when I walked down to the lobby. "So, you and Logan, huh?" I heard blonde Jennifer say with a smile.

"What are you talking about?" I asked immediately. I had been expecting this, but didn't think that word would have spread that quick.

"Please! It's all around the Palm Woods that you two were dating." Curly Jennifer said.

I didn't want to deal with this so I ran into the limo and saw that Logan looked completely uneasy. We were rehearsing for over two hours before we finally got a break. I sat down with the coffee I had just got and looked at Logan who was still looking uneasy.

"I'm sorry about last night." I said softly to him. "I just couldn't help it, I just needed to feel that for a second."

I wanted him to know how much I truly did miss him. I wanted him to know that I still loved him. I needed him to understand all of these things.

"It's okay, just please don't do it again. When I'm ready trust me when I say you will know." He said with a smile.

I ignored the looks we were getting from Carlos and James. "Did something happen when we went to bed last night?"

I watched as Logan completely ignored the question and just continued talking. "So, I was thinking and I'm thinking that I'm ready to move back in with you guys. I feel like Kendall and I are at a place where I would feel safe staying in the apartment again."

I couldn't help but get a huge grin on my face. I was ecstatic that Logan wanted to move back in. That was all I had been wanting for a while. "Great!" Carlos said with a huge smile. "We already talked about this and you will be rooming with James and I am stuck with that big ball of love over there." Carlos said.

I couldn't help but throw a piece of loose paper at Carlos for his comment. "Well, how about if I come back tomorrow? This way Carlos can move his stuff into his new room tonight?" Logan suggested/asked. I nodded quickly and threw my cup away, for once feelings hopeful that Logan and I would soon be back together.

But I knew that there was something I needed to tell him. So when we were walking out of the limo, after rehearsals I grabbed his arm so that he would stay behind. "Can I talk to you real quick?" I asked. I watched as he nodded. "I want to tell you something before you move back in."

I watched as he got worried and hurt all at the same time. I didn't know how to tell him what I needed to, so I just decided to be bluntly honest. "I was so mad last night that I wanted to lash out and yell at you for kissing Dak." I said in one breath.

I watched as his face turned from worry to surprise. "Kendall, why are you telling me this?" He asked skeptically.

I sighed. "I just want you to know what was going on in my head. The thoughts are still there, me wanting to yell or hit you, they are still there. I think they will be for awhile. But after last night I really feel like I can control them and I can control myself."

I watched as Logan smiled at me. He was quite for a few seconds before he finally continued to speak. "I'm glad that you can control yourself. And I think it may be a good thing that you told me. Maybe its good that you do, it lets me really see that you are changing."

I was glad that he was being so understanding and not turning around and running away from me forever. "I was really nervous to tell you. I didn't know if it was a good idea or not." I said. I couldn't help but smile at him again. And I was happy when I saw him get a goofy grin on his face too. And before I could stop myself, I was throwing my arms around him. "I'll text you in a little, Logie. Okay?"

He nodded and I watched as he walked to the elevator. I was glad that he was being so understanding about everything. I didn't know what I would do if he wasn't understanding.

I was in my room writing a the song I had been working on, when I heard James say "Logan?" At hearing my loves name I instantly but down my pen and walked downstairs. When I got there though, what I saw nearly broke my heart. Logan was crying. He had his face in his hands and was balling his eyes out.

I ran next to him and started hugging him and rubbing small circles in the middle of his back. I didn't want him to cry. I felt him wrap his arms around my neck and he cried into my chest. "Logie, what's wrong?" I asked in a smooth voice.

I watched as he pulled away from me a little bit so he could take in a deep breath. "Dak...he got mad at me when I told him that I was going to be moving back in. He told me that I must like being hurt and that something was wrong with me." It had taken what seemed like hours for Logan to finally tell me what was wrong and he was still sobbing the entire time he did.

I couldn't control my anger this time. I let go of Logan and I saw nothing but red. "How dare he! I'm gonna go have a talk with him." I said. I walked out of the apartment as fast as I possibly could. I ran up the stairs, the adrenaline giving me speed I didn't even know I had in me.

I ran up to Dak's door and started banging on it, I couldn't help but wish that it was Dak's face. "Dude, what's your problem?" I yelled. "You should be happy that Logan gets a second chance with the person he loves, not making him feel like shit about it."

Dak's face contorted with anger. "I would be happy if that person hadn't almost killed him." He snarled in my face. My anger only grew more, when he brought that out and rubbed it in my face.

I watched as Logan wedged himself in between us. "STOP!" He yelled. "Stop, seriously. Both of you. Kendall, I already handled this. I didn't need you to. And Dak its my business if I want to take Kendall back, I can. I didn't want it to effect our friendship but evidently its going to."

I needed to calm myself down. I couldn't let Logan down, not when I had come this far. I stepped back and gently put my head against the wall and started taking deep breaths and counted down from ten.

"All I've ever tried to do is help you Logan. I just don't want to see you hurt again." Dak said in a pathetic voice. I couldn't help but be angered by the sound of his annoying voice.

"If I thought that Kendall was going to hurt me again I wouldn't even consider going back to him." Logan said in a cool voice. "I love Kendall. I need you to trust my judgement and respect it."

I couldn't open my eyes. I was afraid, if I did that I would knock Dak out. "You're right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you and said what I did."

"I know that you didn't mean it. I just think I was shocked that you would try and hurt me like that. But I do forgive you. I want us to stay friends, but in order for that to happen you need to accept the fact that I want to be with Kendall more than anything in this world."

I was glad that Logan was taking up for me, for us. It made me happy, and it let me know that in a matter of weeks, maybe even days, he would be mine again.

"I'm sorry Kendall. I shouldn't have brought up what happened." Dak said. I opened my eyes and looked at him after that one. I knew that he didn't mean it, he was just trying to suck up to Logan.

I wouldn't forgive him for trying to steal Logan from me. "I made a mistake Dak, and its one I will never make again. I don't want to take Logan's friends away from him but if you disrespect our relationship when or even if we get back together, I will not be okay with him being friends with you."

I could see that he had some smart ass comment to make to what I had just said, but instead he closed the door. I saw that Logan was looking at me. And I knew he wanted to say something. "Kendall, what about Jo?" He asked.

I knew that Jo would be a problem even now. It didn't matter that I was done with her, I didn't want anything to do with her. Logan was the only thing that mattered to me.

Then I remembered the encounter I had with her just a week earlier. "I thought about that while I was at the hospital. I was forced to confront a lot of things Logie, and I made the decision that I wouldn't talk to her anymore or even associate with her for that matter. Dak never tried to break us up, but she did. That is what that picture message was."

Logan seemed happy by these words, but then I saw doubt flicker through his eyes. "Does she know this?" He asked skeptically.

I nodded at him. "I talked to her last week when she approached me. She asked me if I was okay and told me that you didn't deserve me." I still couldn't help but be mad at what she had said.

"WHAT?" Logan yelled at the top of his lungs, and I couldn't help but be surprised to see him that angry. I smiled though, because I knew that he was just being jealous.

"I told her that it was the other way around, I didn't deserve you but that wasn't going to stop me from trying to get you back."

"What did she say?" He asked with a nervous tone.

"She didn't say anything, instead she sent a mass text to everyone at the Palm Woods telling them about us." I couldn't help but be angry that she had forced Logan and I out. "She also proceeded to tell them that I hit you and I hit her when I was with her, which is a lie. I never hit her."

I watched as hurt spread across his face. "Kendall..." He said weakly. "Then how could you hit me if you loved me more?"

The way he asked that question made me want to go play in front of traffic. I had loved Logan more then I loved anyone, yet I had hurt him so much. I still wasn't completely sure as to if my reasoning made sense, but he needed to hear it.

We were almost back to 2J at that point. "It's because she never drove me crazy like you did. The thought of her leaving me or cheating on me never bothered me. I didn't care. But when I thought about you leaving me it drove me insane. I thought that you had to be cheating on me because of my anger. And then when I hit you for the first time, it only got worse and worse." I said miserably.

"So, it was me?" He asked softly. Pain and hurt clearly written across his face. I felt my heart drop. He thought that it was his fault, how could he think that? It was my fault, it always had been. Did he really not know that?

"NO! Don't ever blame yourself. I was and still am a little fucked up in the head. But it was never your fault, never ever blame yourself. I'm the one you should blame. You should hate me, Logie. I fucked up really bad." I knew that the tears were about to spill from my eyes. I was frantic, I wanted him to know that he wasn't to blame. That it was all my fault.

I felt him pull me in to a hug and when he wrapped his arms around me, I finally broke down and started crying in his arms. "Kendall, you are changing. You will never have to be that person again. You fucked up but everyone makes mistakes. I love you so much, and I could never hate you. Well as long as you don't' go back to the way you were I could never hate you."

I pulled away from him and looked at him. He lifted up his hands to wipe the fallen tears from my eyes. "I love you so much Logan. And I promise, I will change. I will be the perfect boyfriend."

I clung to him and continued to let the tears fall. I felt him rubbing my back, but I was just content finally letting all my pain and regret go, by crying.

–

It had been almost two weeks since my breakdown to Logan. I was sitting next to him and we were watching the new episode of New Town High. I had been wanting to ask Logan where we stood. When I broke down we had both dropped the ever powerful, L word and I didn't know what to make of it.

"Logan?" I finally asked during a commercial. When he looked at me I finally continued. "What are we?" I finally asked.

He sighed and muted the television. "Look, I think we will be together one day, but we need to work on a friendship and build that back up before we can start a relationship again."

What he said made perfect sense and I knew that he was right. I knew that in order for us to have a successful relationship, we had to have a good friendship beforehand. But it didn't make it hurt any less knowing that he was right.

I nodded and then started to concentrate on the show again. But I knew that I wasn't okay with it, I walked up to my room and pulled out the familiar card I kept in my wallet.

-Hello?-

"Dr. Morrison? It's Kendall Knight."

-Kendall, I'm so glad to hear from you, I was worried that you weren't doing okay.-

"He doesn't want to be with me again. Not yet at least." I knew that I was on the verge of snapping. "I'm so frustrated and angry. I just want him back."

I knew that if anyone would know what to say to make me calm down and feel better, it would be Dr. Morrison. She was the one who had kept me strong and functioning all through my treatment.

-Well, things take time to heal and unfortunately all you can do is wait. I know that isn't what you want to hear but it's the truth. But when things are healed, I'm confident you and Logan will be together.-

At that moment, I knew calling her was a good idea. "Thanks, that is just what I needed to hear." I said with a smile.

–

Logan and I were sitting down watching some scary movie that he had gotten out of the redbox. "Why do they always go to investigate a funny noise when there is a killer on the loose?" I yelled throwing my hands in the air.

I couldn't help but think how unrealistic the movies were because no one was that stupid. "It's a movie, Kendall. If it was realistic everyone would survive and then what kind of horror movie would that be?" He said with a cocky grin on his face.

I smiled at him and watching with an amused look when he jumped when his phone vibrated. He pulled his phone out and looked at it before he looked at me. "Hey, Dak wants to talk to me. Do you mind if I got down there to see what's going on?" He asked.

I did mind. I sighed, and knew that I couldn't let him know that I didn't want him to go. I didn't want to be like I had been in the past, so I said. "Yeah, thats fine." I knew that he could tell it really wasn't fine.

"Just so its clear, my heart still belongs to you." He said softly and I couldn't help but perk up after hearing that. I smiled wide and looked at him with happiness clearly written on my face. It was what I needed to hear, to have the confidence to know that he was coming back to me.

"I'm happy to hear that." I said curtly. I watched sadly as he stood up to walk out the door. I couldn't help but be a little down that he was ditching me to go see Dak.

I paced around in my room for over twenty minutes. I couldn't help but think, what if he wants to move back in with Dak? What if he kisses Dak again? I knew that I may have been a little ridiculous, but I couldn't help it. And I only wished that I could stop the tears that were falling from my eyes. I heard the door slam, and knew that it had to be Logan.

"Kendall, will you come down here?" I heard Logan scream. I instantly ran down the stairs. I was afraid that my worst nightmare was about to become a reality.

When I got downstairs and saw him, he looked guilt ridden. "What's going on?" I asked nervously. It had to be something to do with Dak. He must have kissed him again, or agreed to date him or something. Why else would he be guilty.

"I need to talk to you, and its not me leaving you." He said. I couldn't help but think that we would have had to of been together for that to of happened. "I went to go talk to Dak and we kind of got into an argument."

"Wait, you two argued?" James asked surprised. It hadn't come as a shock to me though. I didn't like Dak, he was a dick and of course Logan and him would have argued.

"He told me that he wanted me to give a chance before I took Kendall back. I told him that I would be lying to myself that I needed to be with Kendall, he told me I was an idiot and that people like that could never change and that Kendall doesn't love me. That's when I told him that he was just mad that Tony never loved him enough to change." When Logan finally looked at me, my first were balled and I wasn't even attempting to hide or mask my anger. I didn't see the point. "And then he kissed me and I pushed him away and told him he was making it harder on himself that I love you." He said looking me. I could tell that he wanted me to believe him, and I did. I believed him with everything I had.

"How dare he kiss you, I'll fucking kill him!" I snarled. The only thing I wanted to do, was murder Dak Zevon.

I tried to go for the door but James and Carlos wrapped arms around me and were trying to restrain me. I felt Logan walk up to me and touch my cheek. I felt my anger leave for a second, only to return when I thought of Dak again. "Kendall, don't. He isn't worth it. I told him that I love you and want to be with you."

I knew that the only way I would get away from James and Carlos was if I acted like I was okay, and not angry. I softened my face and I felt James and Carlos let go of me. I ran as fast as I could to the stairs and bolted up them. "I'll fucking murder him." I kept muttering over and over again.

I could vaguely hear Logan behind me asking me not to do anything stupid. I tuned him out, I didn't want Logan to get in my brain. All I wanted to do was kill Dak. I wanted to make his face unrecognizable.

I banged on the door, and when Dak answered. "Is it true?" I yelled in his face. Ready to pounce on him if it was.

"It's true. I did kiss him." He said in a smug tone.

I felt the anger only boil more inside of me. I wanted to hit him as hard as I possibly could. "Big mistake, pretty boy. Let's see if you fans can recognize you after I'm done with you." I said letting the venom drip from my tongue.

Before I could land a punch though, I felt his fist collide with my jaw. I took a step back and swung to land a punch on Dak's stomach. I was blinded by rage and hatred, I started punching where ever I could. I pulled my left arm back ready to hit him in the side, but I saw Logan, and before I could stop my hand I felt my fist come into contact with his side.

I saw Logan fall down and I felt my eyes widen. Then the regret rushed over me. "Logie! I didn't mean to!" I said frantically. I didn't want him to think that I did it on purpose. I had come to far to slip up over something Dak did.

I watched him grab his ribs and he backed away from me, fear clearly written on his face. "Stay away!" I heard him yell.

I froze. I didn't go any closer. I didn't want him to be angry at me, and if I didn't listen to him it would only make it worse for me. I felt my rage come back and I tackled Dak. I was on top of him, delivering blow after blow. But I was pulled out of my tranced, when I felt someone dragging me off of him.

"Kendall, Logan in more important that this." I heard Carlos whisper harshly. What exactly happened registered in my head and I was sitting next to him looking at the ground.

"Logie, I didn't mean to. I swear, I would...I never..." I felt the tears already forming in my eyes and I didn't even bother to try and wipe them away. I felt an arm wrap around me and I looked over to see Carlos.

Logan looked terrified. "Kendall, you lost your temper. How do I know that couldn't have been me?" He asked.

I didn't want to talk about his in front of Dak. It would just give him more ammo to use against me when he and Logan fought. "Let's go back to the apartment and talk about this. I went to help him up but when he flinched away, I jumped back taking the hint that he didn't want me to touch him. I watched as James helped him up.

When we got back to the apartment I led the way up to my room. When Logan walked in, I walked over and went to close the door. "Please...leave it open." He said in a scared voice. I couldn't help but think about the last time we were in this room alone, together. I nodded, understanding why he was so scared and walked over towards him.

"Logan, I didn't mean to hit you. I really didn't." I said in a pleading voice. I was still crying and didn't even care. I needed him to know...to believe that it was a complete accident.

I watched as his hard face, softened a little bit. "I know you didn't Kendall. But you have to control your anger in general, not just when it comes to me." He said in a matter of fact tone.

"Logan, how would of you reacted had I told you that Jo kissed me?" I asked urgently. "You wouldn't have been happy about it." I knew that I was right, no matter what he said.

"I wouldn't have hit her." He said. "Kendall, you've made a lot of progress, its just hard watching you take a step back."

I couldn't help but get frustrated at him. Dr. Morrison had told me anger was a normal emotion, I was only human, and I was bound to get angry sometimes.

"Logan, a lot of other guys would have reacted the same way I did. I'm only human. When it comes to someone forcing themselves on you I will never be able to hide that anger. You mean too much to me to just let something like that go." I said.

"Kendall, you will never know what I went through because of you anger. I don't want to hold it over your head and that isn't what I'm doing. But you hurt me in some of the worst ways imaginable." I heard him say.

I knew that it was true. I knew that I would never know exactly what pain and suffering I had cause him. I knew that I could never fully make up for it, but I also knew one more thing.

"I know you aren't holding it over my head. Try and make me understand how I made you feel." I said softly. I knew that Logan was just expressing how he felt. I knew that he wasn't trying to hold anything over my head.

Logan stood there motionless for a few moments, he held up a finger for me to give a minute and then rushed out. I couldn't help but sit down and put my face into my hands. I didn't expect things to get talked about this early. I was afraid that Logan was still going to leave me. That he would never look back, and that I would never get another try.

Logan finally walked back in and threw me something. It was a notebook, one of the ones without wires in it.

"What's this?" I asked in a confused tone.

"You want to understand. Read it, outloud." He said and I knew that I couldn't argue or disagree.

I turned to the first page and looked at it for a few seconds before I started reading, because I finally realized what exactly this was. "The guy who was suppose to love me more then anything is the reason I'm here. He swore to protect me from everything, little did he know he was the one I would need protection from." I felt the regret well in my stomach. I looked up at him for a moment, silently telling him how sorry I was. "I can't even begin to wrap my head around what he has been doing to me the last few months. He hit me, used me, cheated on me and as if that wasn't enough he took all my friends away from me.

"Kendall has changed. The Kendall I loved would never do this to me. He used to be the one who could make me blush but now if I'm around him I wait to be hit. I feel so broken and stupid. How could I ever believe that he loved me. He didn't love me, he destroyed me. He broke me so that he could control me. He never cared about me. He forced me to have sex with him, maybe not directly but if I denied him he would have taken it anyways.

"I feel numb, like I will never love or care about anything again. I feel like I am going to die, and I can't take it. Kendall hurt me, he hurt me so much. I want to die, I want to get away from this pain and just end it all. I want this all to end. I need it to, because I can't keep living if all I ever have to think about is the pain I was caused. I can't help thinking I made him do it. I should have been better. I should have loved him more and been a better boyfriend. This is all my fault. I hate myself."

I couldn't look at him. I knew that this was his journal. This was from when he was in his treatment for cutting and suicidal thoughts. "That is how it made me feel." I heard him say softly.

"I made you hate yourself, when all along you should have hated me." I didn't understand why he hated himself. He truly should have hated my guts, but he didn't That thought alone made me start to cry again. "Logan, I'm so sorry. I was so fucked up, my thinking was way off."

"I wanted to die whenever I got out of the hospital. I wished that you had really killed me." He said. Logan's misery only made more tears fall and only made me feel more horrible.

"Logie, I can't promise that I will be able to control my anger in every situation, but when it comes to us fighting I will always keep it under control. I will never hurt you again."

I needed him to know that I was telling him the truth. He needed to know that I would never hurt him again. I never wanted him to shed another tear for me.

"You are going to have to show me that." He said looking me directly in the eye.

I couldn't help but to smile at him. "I will. I will make up for what I did everyday for the rest of my life, Logie."

Before I realized what was going on I felt his lips against mine, it was just a simple and quick peck, but to me it was perfect. "If you can keep doing as well as you have, I will be yours again in no time."

I felt my face get hot and I smiled as big as my mouth would let me. "I sure hope so."

–

A month had passed and I had decided to go to Dr. Morrison's private practice she had opened up to talk to her about everything that was going on. "So, how are things with you and Logan?" She asked in a curious voice.

I looked at her with a slight smile. "Things have been getting better. I'm positive that we will be together eventually. We have a friendship back, we can hang out and things almost feel normal again."

I knew that it was true. That things were slowly going back to the way they use to be. I was happy though, Logan and I were pretty much a couple, we just didn't have the label yet. "And what makes you so sure? You know that you will be together again?" She asked in a worried tone.

I couldn't help but smile. "Anyone who saw us together would think that we are really a kiss and cuddle all the time." She looked at me with concern clearly written on her face.

"Have any doubts run through your head?" She asked.

At first I wanted to lie. I wanted to tell her no, but I knew that there would always be doubts. I doubted whether or not I was good enough for Logan. "Of course there are doubts. What if he doesn't want to make it official because he's seeing someone else. What if he is just trying to get back at me. What if we never get back together and he just wants something casual."

She nodded knowing what I meant. "And how are you dealing with all of that?" She asked.

"I once read that love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them enough not to." I said. "For once, I'm trying to put all my faith and trust into Logan."

I looked down, not knowing if that was the right answer. But I was just hoping that it was good enough. Dr. Morrison said that my improvement over the last two months was phenomenal. That most patients weren't where I was for years. But I reasoned that it was because I had such an awesome incentive, Logan.

"Well, Kendall. I don't think it's necessary if you come here every week like you have. Why don't we try every other week and see how that goes?" She asked with a smile.

I nodded and walked out to the receptionist and made another appointment. I knew that I had made improvement, now I just needed Logan to see that.

–

It had been two weeks and Logan and I still weren't a couple. And the fact that in two weeks it would have been our one year anniversary was driving me crazy. I heard someone walk in and saw Carlos go and sit on his bed. "You know since your last appointment, you've been really down." Carlos said.

I smiled at him. Carlos had somewhat become my second shrink. I talked to him about everything and I was happy that I had him in my life again. "I'm just scared that in the end, Logan will choose not to be with me. I still have to somewhat prepare myself for that. And it doesn't help that it would have been our one year anniversary, two weeks from tomorrow."

I watched as Carlos' eyes lit up. "Why don't you do something special for him? Like a picnic, and all other kinds of things. Really show him how much you want him back. You've been working on that song from him, why don't you finish it and sing it?" Carlos said like a little kid, just bubbling with excitement.

I knew that would be my best chance to get him back. Carlos went to go get James, an hour later so I could tell them both what I needed them to do. When James was sitting in front of me, I smiled at the two of them. "Okay, this is what I need you two to do..." I said with a smile.

–

I was at the park, frantically trying to set up the area that I had the blanket on for me and Logan. I finally saw Carlos walking up with Logan's eyes covered. "Carlos, where did you bring me?" He asked impatiently.

I couldn't help but grin at him. "Open your eyes, Logie." I said in an amused tone.

Logan looked around, confused at first but then his eyes softened when he saw the picnic basket and blanket. "Why didn't you just bring me here?" Logan asked in a frustrated tone.

I knew that Logan would have freaked out had it been me to do what Carlos just did. "Well, I wanted you to be completely surprised and I didn't think you would take too kindly to me kidnapping you." I said with a slight chuckle.

"Probably not." I watched as he sat down on the blanket and started to reach for the basket. He was getting too anxious.

"No!" I yelled. I watched as he jumped and wanted to kick myself for being so stupid. "Sorry, I just want to give you something before we eat." I said. I reached for the lilies I had gotten him and handed them to him. I watched as he read the card I wrote to him.

I watched as his face lit up, while he read the card and then he looked at me. "Thank you." He said while taking in the sweet scent of the lilies.

I finally reached into the basket and started pulling out all his favorite things to eat. When I pulled out the cake I saw him lick his lips. "The cake is carrot cake, too." I said with a smile.

"Thank you for doing this, but you didn't have to." He said with a huge smile one his face.

"I wanted to, I wanted to be sweet to you like I was when we first started dating. I realized it has been a while since I have done anything like this for you." I wanted to show Logan that I could be the most amazing boyfriend in the world.

We ate and chatted about the band and all the crazy antics we had done since we had first met. After a half hour, I was ready for the next part. "Close your eyes, Logie."

I heard him scoff. "You know, I'm tired of having to close my eyes." He said in an annoyed tone.

"Just keep them closed." I said. While they were closed I pulled out the icing I had boughten and wrote "happy one year" on the cake I had my mom make for him. Finally after I was done, I told him to open his yes.

I watched as he stared at the cake, and I knew that he was going to cry. Today would have been one year. I knew that this was my chance. I handed him a card I had wrote. And when he opened it, I couldn't help but be nervous. I was asking him to be mine again, and I was desperately hoping he would say yes.

I watched as his eyes started to pour out tears. "Kendall, I don't know. I'm sorry though, I'm so sorry!" I watched as he stood up and ran away. I knew that this was a long shot, but thankfully I had planned on him saying no. I just needed to bring more razzle dazzle to the table.

I ran up to the apartment and changed clothes. I put on the outfit that Logan always said was his favorite. Black skinny jeans, and my yellow plaid button up. I grabbed my guitar and went to wait by the door. I knew that James would be bringing Logan back shortly.

When the door finally opened, I couldn't help but be amused that Logan's jaw dropped slightly. I knew that this was his favorite, but I didn't know it would have this kind of effect on him.

When I saw him, I started strumming the song I had been working on for us.

'Cause the world stops

When I put my arms around you, around you, oh, woah

And nothing even matters

And nothing even matters

It's like one for the haters and two for all of those

Who try to shut us down, they don't really know

There ain't nothing they can do that can tear us apart, no

I don't care about the money, don't care about the clothes

When we're together, baby, anything goes

'Cause we don't even need to prove what we feel in our hearts, no

This wall we built together

There ain't no way of knocking it over

We'll be here forever

Getting closer and closer, baby

'Cause the world stops

When I put my arms around you, around you, oh, woah

And nothing even matters

And nothing even matters

They can all talk

Say what they want about us, about us, oh, woah

And nothing even matters, woah

And nothing even matters

It's like the sound goes off and the people all freeze

They disappear and it's just you and me

Anything you want to do, anything that you please, oh, woah, no

Forget about our problems, forget about our past

I've seen the future and I know we're gonna last

Every second I'm with you just goes so fast, woah, oh, woah

This wall we built together

There ain't no way of knocking it over

We'll be here forever

That I told you, that I told you, baby

'Cause the world stops

When I put my arms around you, around you, oh, woah

And nothing even matters, eh

And nothing even matters

They can all talk

Say what they want about us, about us, oh, woah

And nothing even matters, woah

And nothing even matters

Nothing even matters, woah

And nothing even matters, woah

We don't even need to fight

Everything will be alright, oh, yeah

Nothing even matters but you and I

'Cause the world stops

When I put my arms around you, around you, oh, woah

And nothing even matters, nothing even matters

And nothing even matters

They can all talk

Say what they want about us, about us, oh, woah

And nothing even matters, woah

And nothing even matters

'Cause the world stops

When I put my arms around you, around you, oh, woah

And nothing even matters, nothing even matters

And nothing even matters, baby

They can all talk

Say what they want about us, about us, oh, woah

And nothing even matters, woah

And nothing even matters

I smiled once I finished playing the song. Carlos, James and I had made up some ridiculous choreography for the dance and they were even helping me by singing back ups. I looked at Logan trying to put everything into the look. "Did you write that?" I heard him ask.

I nodded at him. "I've been working on it since I was in the hospital. I've written a lot of songs, but I wrote this one for you. It took me more then two months to finish it. I needed a lot of inspiration." I said with a grin, I was hoping that he knew I meant him.

"I loved it. I loved the fact that you pretty much catpured everything we have been going thorugh." He said with sincerity.

"I was hoping you would say that. I worked really hard on this, now that this is out of the way. I wanted to ask you something." I knew that he would be nervous. He would think I was going to ask him to be mine again, but I threw him for a loophole. "Will you have dinner with me tonight? I have already made reservations."

I watched as he nodded, but he had confusion written on his face. "But...James said that you were..."

I didn't know what he was talking about. "He got Carlos to help him, didn't you think I would be helping him too? We had a feeling you weren't ready to be with him again so we planned this." I heard James explain.

I smiled at Logan and turned to leave. "Make sure you dress really nice, Logie. Oh and be ready in an hour." I walked up to my room and closed my door.

I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I didn't know what to do. I was freaking out. I got ready and an hour and a half later I was sitting across from Logan at Mesa Grill. He had been talking about wanting to come here for months so I knew that I had to bring him here.

I watched as he savored the taste of each bite he took, and hearing him moan and groan only made my pants incredibly tight. "Thank you for bringing me here. This was amazing." He said and his eyes were light and his face was bright.

"I am glad that you have enjoyed yourself. So there is something I want to give you." I fumbled in my pocket. I knew that this would have to work, I hoped and prayed it would. I had put so much effort into this it just had to work. I was nervous when I finally got hold of the ring and pulled it out. "I want to give this to you. If you accept it then I will know we are back together. If not, then we aren't. But this is a promise ring. It's my promise to you that I will never hit you or cheat on you or even hurt you for that matter."

I watched him nervously and waited for him to do something. It took him a few moments but he finally grabbed the ring and put it on his finger. "I love it." He said with a huge grin.

"So that means..." I said, hoping that he really meant it.

"This means we are back together." He said with a huge grin on his face.

"I'm glad that you said yes. I wanted us to start dating on the same day we originally started." I said being truthful.

"And why is that? Is it because you are a hopeless romantic?"

I couldn't help but laugh. I knew that I was, but that wasn't the reason. "Well yes, that is true. But also I'm horrible with dates. At least this way I will never forget our anniversary."

I watched him laugh and he gave me a gentle kiss.

–

Two weeks later, Logan and I were anxiously waiting for the elevator to get down to the lobby. We were both horny and wanted to get back to the apartment to take care of business. When the doors opened though, I was furious when I saw Dak walking out. "Abusive fuck." I heard him mutter under his breath.

I couldn't even begin to mask my anger, I opened my mouth ready with the perfect come back, but Logan stopped me. "Kendall, come on. Don't ruin our moment, love." He said. And that was all I needed. The anger inside me dissolved completely.

I smirked and then looked at Logan, then back at Dak. "You're right, Logan. Me making love to you is more important." I said making sure to look at Dak as I said it.

When the elevator doors shut, Logan was giving me a look of disbelief. "Do you always have to be so hateful to him?"

"Oh Logie, give me a break." I groaned. "Besides, you are always hateful to Jo."

he didn't say anything back to that. He couldn't. He had been glaring at Jo whenever he got the opportunity. We were finally in 2J and as soon as the door closed, Logan was against me devouring my lips. I slowly started guiding him to my room. When we got there, I slammed the door and locked it. The last thing I needed was for someone to come in.

I watched as he sat on my bed and pulled of his shirt. I figured that I might as well follow and pulled mine off as well. I laid on top of him and started kissing his neck, I couldn't help but grow harder with every moan he was letting out. I bit down on his pulse point and I couldn't help but grind into him when I heard him moan my name.

I let a smirk appear on my face and I started to make a trail of kisses down his chest. I felt my hair being pulled at. I reached the band of his swim trunks and licked the tip of his cock. I took in the tip and swirled it around in my mouth. I knew that he loved it when I did that. I slid my mouth down the entire length of him and almost gagged when I felt the tip touch the back of my throat.

I felt him pull me off and I couldn't help but pout a little bit. "It's been a while and I want this to last." He said.

I knew that it had been months for both of us. This was the first time we would have had sex since everything happened. I nodded and felt him flip me around. My trunks were off and he was kissing my stomach, I couldn't help but be a little surprised when he took my entire length into his mouth in one slick movement. I couldn't help but moan loudly.

I felt his tongue start to swirl at the tip and it was driving me insane. I wanted more. I had never bottomed before, but for once, I wanted to experience it. I wanted to know what it felt like.

"Logie." I moaned. "I want to feel you inside me."

I could see the confusion in his face. "Kendall, it's going to hurt." He said said in a worried tone.

I knew that already. I could still recall the pain Logan must have felt the first time we ever had sex. "I know, but I want to try it. Please." I waited for him to give me an answer and I couldn't help but be excited when he nodded. I reached over and pulled out the new bottle of lube I had bough a few nights before. I handed it to him and laid down.

I watched as he lubed up his fingers and looked at me with an unsure expression on his face. "Are you ready?" I nodded. I felt one finger enter and I felt my hole instantly tense up. It was painful, and it was only one finger. "You have to relax." He whispered. I nodded and then tried my best to act like it was nothing.

I felt him pull it out a little and then another digit was entered in my butt. I couldn't help but scrunch my face up in pain. By the time he was pulling them out, I still hadn't adjusted to the intrusion. I watched as he but a heaping amount of lube on his cock. "Relax." he whispered.

I was blinded with pain when he first entered me. I wanted to scream out in pain. I was fisting the pillow my head was lying under and I wanted to cry. "Are you okay? Do you want me to stop?" He asked in a concerned tone.

I shook my head no. "Go in more." I whispered, despite all the pain I was feeling. When he was finally in, I didn't know if I could take all the pain. It was the most painful thing I had ever felt in my entire life. "Move." I hissed, trying to relax and enjoy this.

After the first few thrust I was enjoying it. I was loosened and I couldn't help but beg him to go faster. He started pumping as fast as humanly possible. I felt him hit something and I threw my head back in complete pleasure. "OH God!" I screamed.

I felt Logan hit it over and over again. I kept calling out his name. I felt him start to pump me, which let me know that he was just as close as I was to losing it. I finally lost it and I listened as Logan moaned and felt him thrust in harder than all the other ones. I knew that he had came.

"That wasn't' so bad." I said softly, ignoring the pain that was still in my bottom.

I watched as he smiled. "I tried to be as gentle as I could, but next time...you're fucking me." He said. I knew that he probably liked bottom more, just like I preferred top. I kissed his nose and snuggled him in closer to me. I couldn't help but play with his hair. "I love you, Kendall." He said in a happy tone.

I couldn't help but smile and be overcome with joy. "I love you too, Logan." I said with a smile on my face. "We should get dressed so when James and Carlos come home they don't have to wait to come in."

We got dressed and went back to the pool. But I was a little angered when I saw Dak talking to James and Carlos, after I assured Logan I would be fine and had to learn to control myself. We walked to our friends but as soon as we got there, the jokes started flying.

"Oh god, he's glowing!" James said jokingly. I couldn't help but wonder who he was talking about.

"Kendall got it in!" Carlos said, quoting the Jersey Shore. I couldn't help but shake my head and laugh at him.

"Well technically, Logan got it in." I said with a grin. I felt Logan nudge me softly.

"Hey, they don't need to know details." Logan said getting a little frustrated. I knew that it was because Dak was standing there. It all came back down to Dak, and I couldn't help but get a little upset about that.

"I never took you as a bottom, Kendall." Dak said in a taunting voice. I wanted to shut him up. But I knew that I couldn't hit him.

"Ah, what can I say heat of the moment." I said with a smirk and I couldn't help but feel satisfied that Dak's face had turned into a frown. "Look Dak, Logan and I are together and I know that we are going to last. He still sees you as a friend, for some odd reason. I don't want to take his friends away this time."

I watched as he looked down. "I want to be friends with Logan. But when he's with you I don't know if its possible. Do you really expect me to believe that in a matter of three months you've changed enough to be with him? You may have Logan fooled, but not me." He said in a cocky tone.

My first instinct was to hit him, but I fought the urge. I watched as Logan stood up to face Dak. "Dak, you don't know Kendall as well as we do. He's changed, he is where he needs to be." He said coming to my defense. And I was happy that he had.

"Oh, so is that why he came banging on my door yelling at me?" He asked in a tone that was dripping pure venom.

"That was two months ago!" I yelled, rising to my feet also. "A lot has changed in two months."

I could see that he was happy that I was reacting this way. I had to calm myself down. "Is that why you're screaming?" He asked me.

"I'm tired of you. Like Logan said, you don't know me. All that matters is that Logan sees I've changed. And I dn't give a shit what some low life pretty boy thinks." I said trying to get him to back down. But the time I was finished talking, I was an inch away from his face.

I felt his hands come up to push me and before I knew it we were exchanging blows and fighting. I was trying to overpower Dak, but he fighting background gave him a one up. He was finally straddling me and was winding back to punch. I felt someone shield my face and I knew instantly it was Logan.

I was in a trance like state when I felt Logan's finger grazing over my bruises and cuts on my face. "Logie, I'm sorry." I said. I didn't want him to get mad at me for fighting Dak. I didn't want him to think I was starting to go back to what I was.

"It's okay. Now that you two got that out of your system, you both need to move on. I want you as my friend Dak but all these snide comments have to stop." Logan said directly at Dak.

I watched as he looked down in shame and told Logan he was right. "Sorry dud." He said we shook hands and for the first time, he meant it.

"I am too. Lets just put it all behind us, for Logan." I said. I knew that Logan was smiling and I was happy when Dak nodded his head in agreement.

Later that night Logan and I were laying in my bed. "Do you really love me?" I heard him ask and I couldn't help but to be a little offended at the question.

"Of course." I said, continuing to rub his back. "If I didn't love you, I wouldn't of worked so h ard to change and get you back." I said trying to make him realize I truly did love him.

I felt him get serious and look at me. "I need to say this. If you hit me again, I will leave. I will go back to Minnesota and you will never see me again." I knew that he meant it, after everything I had put him through I knew that this wasn't a bluff.

"Well, then I guess it's a good thing that I don't plan on doing it again." I said with a grin. I leaned in and gave him a gentle kiss. I wanted him to stay the night with me, after everything, I felt that I deserved to feel him next to me all through the night.

"Well, I'm off to bed." He said and went to go stand up. But instead I held him down. I didn't want him to go.

"No, don't go." I pleaded. I wanted him next to me, cuddling and letting me kiss him gently.

"Kendall, we decided that I was going to sleep in a different room. We both know its best to have a little separation." I knew that he was right, I just didn't want to admit to it.

"But one night won't hurt." I pleaded trying my best to give him my puppy dog eyes.

"Kendall..." He said. I knew that he wasn't going to give up so I just nodded and laid down. Carlos came in not to long after that.

"Logan still won't sleep in the same bed as me." I said sadly.

Carlos just perked up a little. "He's trying to make sure you guys last this time. See the positive, not the negative."

I couldn't help but smile. Leave it to Carlos to put me in a better mood. I laid down and couldn't think of how my life had changed drastically in three months. I had the love of my life back and I wanted to spend my life with him, now only time would tell how things played out.

The End

A/N: So I made it through 17/26 pages before I just started skimming on my editing. Hope there weren't too many mistakes.

Also, I will be making a new "story" with a series of one shots from all my BTR stories. Like Tainted Love, this one, Everybody Loves Somebody and Love and Hate, and all the other BTR stories I finish. They will be just random one shots from the stories. I'm working on a one shot now, and I hope you all will check it out when I post.