|Fortune's Fool: A Romeo & Juliet Parody
Author: CheshireGirl0913 PM
One uptight Director, a dysfunctional cast of characters, a devious Authoress... Well, you'll just have to see for yourself! SPOILERS FOR THOSE WHO'VE NOT SEEN THIS!Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 26 - Words: 23,715 - Reviews: 47 - Favs: 12 - Follows: 9 - Updated: 08-27-12 - Published: 05-11-11 - Status: Complete - id: 6983667
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Ah...another chapter. Feels good to be on top of things for a change :)
Director: So my name is-?
Author: (shushing him) Yes. Just don't let the others know. They'll just be annoyed.
Director: Ah, I see.
Paris: (approaching Director) Uh, sir, can we start the scene?
Director: (oblivious) Uh, yeah, sure. (to Author) So how do you find these-?
Friar Lawrence: (loudly) THURSDAY? (The Director and Author jump at the sound of the Friar's voice, having not realized the show had begun again. The Friar clears his throat, and speaks more quietly) That's a bit soon ain't it?
Paris: My father Capulet will have it so, and I am nothing slow to slack his haste.
Friar Lawrence: Still… you barely know the girl. If you don't mind me saying so, I don't feel this is a wise choice.
Paris: She's grieving too much over the death of Tybalt. So I haven't had the chance to talk to her about love. Sir, her father thinks it's dangerous that she allows herself to become so sad. He's being smart by rushing our marriage to stop her from crying.
Friar Lawrence: But how do you know that she'll be happy?
Paris: …I don't. Let's just hope this marriage will bring her out of this depression.
Friar Lawrence: (only for the audience to hear) I wouldn't be so sure about that. (normally) Oh, look, there's your fiancé now.
(Juliet rushes onstage, dressed in a dark cloak. She freezes at the sight of Paris.)
Paris: (approaching Juliet) It's nice to see you again, my wife.
Juliet: That may be, sir, when I may be a wife.
Paris: (trying to hold her) That "may be" must be, love, on Thursday next.
Juliet: (fearfully) What must be, shall be.
Friar Lawrence: (mumbling to himself) Ain't that the truth.
Paris: Have you come for confession?
Juliet: (backing away slowly) If I answered that question, I'd be making confession to you.
Paris: (walking closer) Don't deny to him that you love me.
Juliet: I'll confess to you that I love him.
Paris: You will also confess, I'm sure, that you love me.
Juliet: (clearly out of character) Since when did this become an episode of To Catch a Predator?
Author: You want the honest answer or the sarcastic answer?
Author: About twenty seconds ago when he tried hitting on you. Or, if want to be even more specific, about thirteen chapters ago when he was dancing with you.
Juliet: Can't you rewrite this?
Author: (deviously) Hmm…. I don't know. I'm quite enjoying this.
Author: (sighs) Fine. But I'm only doing this for you once. (to Paris) Get your butt outta here, Francie-Pants.
Paris: (defensive) Maybe I don't wanna!
Author: (annoyed) Go, or I'm gonna give you an even more embarrassing name than Paris.
Paris: What are ya gonna call me? (Author whispers into his ears and his eyes go wide) Juliet, I will wake you early on Thursday. Until then, good-bye, and keep this holy kiss. (kisses her on the lips, walks offstage giving her the "Call me" hand motion)
Juliet: (breaking down) This mess is beyond hope, beyond cure, beyond help!
Friar Lawrence: Not exactly.
Juliet: (to the Friar, pulling out a knife from her cloak) I swear that I will kill myself if you say that I must marry that… (points where Paris exited) that jerk!
Friar Lawrence: Hold on, daughter, I see some hope. But we must act boldly because the situation is so desperate. If you've made up your mind to kill yourself instead of marrying Count Paris, then you'll probably be willing to try something like death to solve this shameful problem. (Juliet stares at him in shock) And if you dare to do it, I'll give you the solution.
Juliet: I'd do anything to get out of this.
Friar Lawrence: Go home, be cheerful, and tell them you agree to marry Paris. Tomorrow night make sure that you are alone. Don't let the Nurse stay with you. (he pulls out a vial filled with dark liquid) When you're in bed, drink this. Then a cold, sleep-inducing drug will run through your veins, and your pulse will stop. You'll remain in this deathlike state for forty-two hours, and then you'll wake up as if from a pleasant sleep. As tradition demands, you'll be dressed up in your best clothes, put in an open coffin, and carried to the Capulet family tomb. Meanwhile, I'll send Romeo word of our plan. That night, Romeo will come and take you away to Mantua.
Juliet: (as he gives her the vial) Thank you, Friar.
Friar Lawrence: Get you gone. Be strong and prosperous in this resolve. I'll send a friar with speed to Mantua with my letters to thy lord.
Juliet: (happily) Love give me strength, and strength, help me accomplish this plan. Farewell, dear Father. (she skips away)
Friar Lawrence: (sighs) I wonder if I did the right thing….
Mysterious Voice: (loudly) Sorry, no.
Friar Lawrence: (frozen in place) Ms. Author? Was that you?
Author: (looking up from her notebook) Huh? No.
(Mysterious, haunting laughter echoes through the building. The other actors begin freaking out, some running like mad)
Assorted Actors: THE THEATRE'S HAUNTED! WE'RE DOOMED! Who said the name of the Scottish play? WE'RE GONNA DIE!
Director: That doesn't make any sense! Who could be haunting this place?
(A medic rushes in, approaches the Director.)
Medic Person: I'm sorry, sir. But…the boy…..
(Both the eyes of the Director and Author go wide)
Author: (almost speechless) No way….
Well... this just got really interesting.
Director: Excuse me, while I try to convince the cops to let us keep our Romeo until the end of our rehearsal.
How can he be dead? And why would haunt us?
Director: Uh... who was he hanging around with the most before he died?
Director: Let's just get everyone before they take off in a panic.
Right. Don't forget to review people!