|Stupid Super Tricks
Author: Sorakage Sama PM
These are the less known adventures of the Heroes and villains of the DC universe. Chapter 9: In which Kyle Rayner figures out how to unite all the lantern corps, just not the way everyone expected...Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Chapters: 9 - Words: 14,345 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 16 - Follows: 7 - Updated: 12-26-12 - Published: 05-15-11 - Status: Complete - id: 6994027
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Chapter 9: They went union?!
Writer gawked as he stepped into my office. The room was a wreck. There were holes in the walls, my desk was reduced to splinters, and I was sitting in the corner with an ice pack on my head.
"What happened to you?" the servant gawked.
"I was attacked by Diana and her Servant, Kal-El of the Berserker class, King Arturia Pendragon and Archer Shirou Emiya, and to add icing to this all ready f***ed up cake, Zatanna apparently decided to come out of hiding to claim her own pound of flesh accompanied by Caster Giovanni Zatara." I groaned.
"Oh dear…" Writer gulpeded weakly.
"You're darn tootin' 'oh dear'! While you were off fraternizing with Curator, I barely managed to drive them off before I collapsed from overtaxing my magic circuits!"
"Um, in my defense we don't get much alone time on the throne of heroes…" my servant winced.
"Yeah, yeah, and I don't own any of the elements of this story. So roll it already before I start losing feeling in my left side again…" I mutter.
It was another night at the Warriors Bar. Guy was handing out drinks while his fellow corpsmen (and women) brooded over the latest…developments.
"This is so humiliating…" Kyle groaned, hidden in a corner of the bar. Although he stood out like a sore thumb because of all the rings of various hues clamoring for his attention.
"You have great rage in your heart!" red hissed menacingly.
"No! His heart is full of fear!" yellow snapped.
"Your aura…it's, like, so blue man!" the azure ring said faintly.
"No! He wants it all! Just like I want him!" the orange jewelry would have been drooling by this point (if it had a mouth).
"Oh! So much love in his heart! He is destined to be one with me!" the star sapphire ring cooed.
"Compassion is what his soul is destined for, you gaudy piece of cheap plastic!" the indigo ring sniffed.
"PLASTIC!? Why I oughta…"
"BACK OFF, ALL OF YOU! I WAS HERE FIRST!" Kyle's original ring snarled.
"Say the walking rainbow lantern…" Soranik smiled faintly.
"This has to stop. First Hal gets drummed out, and now I'm in the middle of a ring love hexagon!" the artist banged his head against the table.
"Bet you wish you could just tell the guardians where they could stuff their decrees, huh?" the bartender commented dryly.
"Guy Gardner, you brilliant son of a bitch! If you were a woman, I'd kiss you!" Kyle grinned madly as he ran out the door, his entourage of rings fallowing at his heels.
"What was that about?" the football player blinked.
"Search me." The medic shrugged.
Several weeks later…
It was a typical day for the Guardians of the universe, and like every day: this one started with going over the daily mission reports.
Only this time, something had changed: there were no reports to go over. Despite the fact that Green lantern Guy Gardener should have submitted one upon his return from a routine patrol. The same goes for former Alpha Lantern Boodikka, who went with a group of lanterns to put down an invasion of sector seven. These were only two examples of dozens of mission reports and various other documents that should have been downloaded the moment the Lanterns submitted them.
Ganthet looked to his fellow Guardians. Seeing their looks of consternation, he tapped the button on his console that opened a communication channel.
"Salakk! What is the meaning of this?" the only named Guardian scowled.
"You'll have to be more specific sir. Are you talking about the Pie fight in the commissary, the week long karaoke contest in the Warriors lounge, or the planet wide paint ball tournament instigated by Lantern John Stewart?" The multi armed lantern uttered.
"No, none of those are what I'm talking about! Although we will deal with the chaos at another point in time. According to our in boxes, there hasn't been sort of report, be it budget or mission, submitted in almost a week." Ganthet replied crisply.
"Ah. I'm glad you finally noticed. There's been a bit of a change to the chain of command." The emerald hologram said.
"WHAT?-! What do you mean there's been a change in the chain of command. We did not authorize this!" the brainwashed former blue lantern snarled.
"You've all been left out of the loop for a very specific reason. Lantern Kyle Rayner introduced an Earthling concept that became quite popular…"
"And what is this? And why is it interfering with Lanterns performing their regular duties?" one of the unnamed Guardians sniffed contemptuously.
"It's called a union sir. It's an organization of employees aiming for more ethical and fair treatment."
"Fair treatment? If we wanted their opinion on the matter we'd look into their tiny minds to get the information ourselves! Tell the lanterns to disperse and resume their normal duties NOW." The unnamed guardian of the universe scowled.
"I'm afraid that's not possible. Their representative is here to discuss their demands, and he's currently making faces at you from off camera. And might I add: Real mature former lantern Jordan!" the multi armed lantern droned.
"Jordan? As in Hal Jordan?" Ganthet growled.
"Yes. The Lantern who saved us all from Chrona, only for you to repay his blood sweat and tears by dishonorably discharging him. He's here to discuss, as he puts it, the terms of your unconditional surrender."
"Send him in." Ganthet smiled innocently.
The doors to the guardian's citadel opened, and in stepped the suit clad former lantern.
"We'd better make this quick. My former teammates kidnapped me in the middle of a date. And
Carol gets more than a little predatory when I disappear without warn…IIIINNNNNGGGG!
He was suddenly ejected when a green fist slammed into his face, sending him flying back the way he came.
"And stay out this time!" the brainwashed azure being sneered.
It was several peaceful days later that the Guardians of the universe once again convened.
"It's been too quiet for too long. I expected retaliation some time ago…" one of the unnamed female Guardians uttered.
"Indeed." Ganthet agreed, typing a quick command into his communicator.
"Yes sir?" Salakk answered
"What is the status of retuning the Lanterns to their normal duties?"
"Not well sir. The entire group and then some have formed a picket line outside the citadel."
"A picket line?" the mentally altered guardian blinked.
"Sir, you have to see it for yourselves." The hologram abruptly blinked out.
The moment all the Guardians stepped out of their fortress, their jaws collectively dropped.
Standing in front of them was the entirety of the Green lantern corp. And every last one of them were marching a circle around the Citadel, each one toting a green sign. Ganthet immediately picked several people out of the crowd. Kyle Rayner's said 'Heck no, we won't glow'. John Stewart's read 'No illumination without representation. And Guy Gardner's simply read 'MORE BOOZE'!"
Mixed in with the Greens were the entirety of the Yellow Lantern and Star Sapphire Corp. The Red and Indigos were patrolling the skies to make sure nobody did anything stupid. The Blues were busying themselves making signs. All the while, Larfleeze's minions were manning a food cart that kept the protestors fed (at highly inflated prices).
"What is the meaning of this?!" One of the Guardians screamed.
"Pretty much all the corps are in agreement that you twerps need an attitude adjustment. So until you agree to our demands, none of the Corps are active. We'll stay here parked on your doorstep until out demands are met." Hal (who was leaning against a nearby statue) said.
"Jordan. Once again you interject where you are neither needed nor wanted. Ganthet, get rid of this pest!" one of the Guardians snarled.
"Ganthet. I said to throw this pest into the vacuum and make our soldiers resume the duties!" he barked.
The now no longer Brainwashed guardian expressed his displeasure at his former colleague's actions in a very straightforward he: he punched the emotionless one in the nose, knocking him on his backside with a spray of blood.
"What…just happened?" Hal asked weakly.
"Oh, I just remember my last vacation on Earth during the late 1800's. I don't know how it happened, but one minute I was walking through this small mining town, and next thing I knew I got caught up in a human tide and wound up in a protest march with a sign in my hands. Everyone was so caught up in what they were doing, they didn't even notice that I wasn't human. Now someone hand me a damn sign!" the former guardian smiled toothily as he made his way over to the crowd.
He paused just long enough to grab Sayd, bend her over backwards, and kiss her. Now, mind you this was not a platonic peck on the cheek, nor was it a gentle brush of his lips on hers. This was a full blown, fully passionate, R-rated, let's go do something that will make our former colleagues blow their top type kiss. He did not let her come up for air for a very, very long time.
Several weeks later…
"And by signing, this document, the Guardians of the universe hereby recognize and cede control to the ROY G. BIV united Galactic 001 as the governing body of these united corps." Ganthet nodded as his former compatriots signed the parchment.
"While I don't think this is what Sayd meant when she told me to unite the corps, I don't think she can argue with the end results…" Kyle uttered dryly.
"Gee, you think? And I still say the name sounds stupid." The woman in question rolled her eyes.
"I agree with you on that point. You try getting them to agree to anything else. There's a reason I appointed Ganthet and Hal to be in charge of this loony bin! I just want to relax, take pleasure in my retirement, and enjoy the freedom a man can only feel...when he's condemned some other poor sucker to his fate." Kyle smiled knowingly.
"While the writer recovers from his healing coma, he wanted me to tell you to check out his challenges and please read and review." Writer says apologetically.