|The Ballad of Soulless Warlock
Author: Soulless Warlock PM
In my 45th story spectacular, the readers get a look at the sad and, for the most part, fictionalized origins of Silas Scorpio, the Soulless Warlock. The song here is Big, Bright, Beautiful World from the Shrek musical. Read and review!Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Drama/Humor - Words: 1,424 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 1 - Published: 05-19-11 - Status: Complete - id: 7006360
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: I do not own the song nor do I own Soulless Warlock's parents, they belong to the creators of their respective shows. I own Silas, who is, in a way, me; so to say I own my own ass is kind of ridiculous. But, you get what I'm saying.
PSA: No Pokémon, tiny animated animals, or Care Bears were harmed in the making of this story. Navi, the fairy, got sick and a Decapodian named Zoidberg (at least, I think that's what his name is. Ah, who cares) got shot, but no one cared.
A grumbling and obviously pissed off Silas Scorpio, known to the world at large as Soulless Warlock, stormed into the main chambers of his hideout in the Toonime Forest. Once again, one of his more sinister schemes had been stopped by those meddling do-gooders heroes. How could a warlock take over the world if heroes constantly interrupted him in the middle of his plan? He was just thankful that his parents couldn't see what he had become.
He looked down a small book with the inscription that read: Happy Memories. Silas opened the book and chuckled at some of the pictures he had amassed in his two and a half centurie…decades, two and a half decades of life.
Craning his head around, he noticed that there was a group of eyes on him.
"Hello," He said, closing the book. "I bet you're wondering what that's all about? Well, a guy like me doesn't have many happy memories. Have you ever wonder why I don't have as many as most people my age would?"
Silas reached into the desk drawer, pulling out a storybook with the title: The Ballad of Soulless Warlock.
"I wasn't always a warlock obsessed with world-domination and senseless violence," He began. "In the beginning of my life, the violence I committed made sense. But, I digress…"
The scene soon morphed too many years earlier, revealing a castle on the hill. It looked like something that would house a mad scientist. Actually it did before the current owners. The next thing that appeared was a tiny boy with short brown hair and sinister yet mischievous smile.
"Once upon a time," he read, "there was a little warlock named Silas, who lived with his parents in a dilapidated castle on a hill. It was a pretty wicked place but he was happy because warlocks like wicked.
A Happy Birthday banner appeared above the young boy.
"On his birthday the little warlock's parents sat him down to talk just as all warlock parents had for hundreds of years before."
Silas' parents entered the room, smiles plastered on their face. Of course, with Silas' mother you could never tell whether or not it was a smile or a de-aging spell gone wrong. Silas' father picked him up and put him on his knee, while Mother Warlock began to sing.
"Listen son, you're growing up so quickly. Growing up, bigger by the day…"
She pinched his cheeks, which embarrassed the boy to no end.
"Although we want you here," Father Warlock sang in a deep, booming voice, "the rules are very clear…"
He placed Silas on the ground, joining Mother Warlock as she sang, "Now you're seven…"
"Now you're seven…"
Silas' eyes lit up in delight, hoping for the best present ever.
"So it's time to go away!"
The two warlocks withdrew their wands, changing the banner to a "Happy Going Away Party" banner.
"Your Mama packed a sandwich for your trip," Silas' mother handed him a paper bag.
Mother Warlock swooped away, "Your Papa packed your boots in case of snow," the elder Warlock handed his son his boots.
"You're gonna make us proud, no backing up allowed!"
The two older warlocks grabbed their son and tossed him out the front door of their castle, singing to him:
"Just keep walking!"
"Just keep walking!"
"And you'll find somewhere to go!"
Silas opened his mouth to protest, but was cut off by his parents' singing.
"It's a big, bright, beautiful world with happiness all around, it's peaches and cream and every dream comes true…" Silas' eyes filled up with hope before they were dashed again, "…but not for you!"
They pushed him back further, giving their last pieces of parental advice.
"It's a big, bright, beautiful world with possibilities everywhere, and just around the bend there's a friend or two…" Silas smiled at that thought, "…but not for you!"
'Seriously, talk about destroying a kid's perspective of the world.'
Mother Warlock placed her wrinkly arm around Silas, the skin hanging off of her skeletal frame.
"We're evil, son, which means that life, is harder," she explained, "people hate the things they cannot understand.
Father Warlock joined his family, "And when they look at us, they tend to make a fuss…"
Mother Warlock conjured up fire, "Burn our houses down…"
Father Warlock conjured up a pitchfork, poking his son out of the safety of his parents' embrace, "And chase us…" he let the note hang for a moment before being joined by his wife,"…off our land!"
They pushed him further down the hill, trying encouraging him to leave.
"It's important that you find a cozy hideout…" his father advised.
"A place no one would ever dare to tread…" his mother declared.
"And if they happen by, make sure you terrify them…"
"If you don't, son…"
"If you don't, son…"
"Then you'll surely wind up dead!"
Silas turned his back on the two warlocks, walking off into the rising sun. Yeah, not only had they kicked him out, but they woke him up before the ass-crack of dawn to do it. Parents, huh?
"Goodbye!" his mother called out, followed by his father's, "Goodbye!"
Mother Warlock still had one last bit of parental advice. "Watch out for men with pitchforks!"
Small Silas disappeared from sight and the scene morphed into the hideout he had carved out for himself. He turned to the last page.
"And so, the little warlock went off and found the abandoned hideout of an old villain, a place far, far away from the world that despised him. There he stayed for many years, tucked away and all alone, which was just the way he liked it."
Silas kicked open the door of his hideout, singing, tossing the book so hard it took down Champ Bear of the Care Bears, catching the signs the Care Bear had dropped as he fell.
"Keep your big, bright, beautiful world, I'm happy where I am, all alone. I've got all I need, so read the stinkin' signs, ha-ha."
Silas slammed down the signs; one read "Buzz Off" while the other was a simple drawing of a hand flipping someone off, the last one read: "Beware of Pissed-Off Warlock!"
"Keep your big, bright beautiful, world! I party on my own anyway, doing what I can with a one man conga line."
Silas congaed through the forest, scaring numerous people away and kicking the smaller cartoon characters, such as Pikachu, Meeko, and Stitch aside.
"Yeah, your big, bright, beautiful world is all teddy bears and unicorns, take your fluffy fun and shove it where the sun don't shine."
He threw his foot up, kicking Jerry into Tom and knocking them down a hill.
"I prefer a life like this, it's not that complicated. Sure I'm fated to be lonely and I'm destined to be hated, if you read the books they say that's why I was created. But I don't care…"
He pulled out his wand, firing a spell into the air, scaring off the remaining squatters.
"Cause being liked is grossly overrated!"
Silas spun around, staring into the distance, watching the heroes and their allies celebrating his defeat.
"Who needs a big, bright, beautiful world? I've got my own little patch on the world. It's not a big, bright, beautiful world, but it's mine…Alone, it's mine…And it's mine…"
He grinned wickedly, knowing, one day soon, his revenge would be complete and they would all suffer for their part in creating the Soulless Warlock.
SW: And that, ladies and germs, is how Silas Scorpio became the Soulless Warlock. Now, if you'll excuse, I have another plot to bring into fruition.