I Know What They Parodied Last Summer
an MST3K of
I Know What You Did Last Summer
Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy... just 'cause. How did they get forced into reading bad scripts? I don't know! They just have to do it because I said so... isn't that good enough? No? Well, fine, then I'll do a little intro and explain it all away... I might even make it make sense. I can do that, 'cause it's my fanfic/MST/type thing. So there. ;P
Disclaimer: This movie, I know What You Did Last Summer, and the shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Angel (in case I mention stuff from there) don't belong to me. I'm, like, show-less and movie-less, which probably explains why I'm writing fanfics and parodies of fanfics. Huh.
I actually liked the movie, so all the ripping, and jokes and such, are done in good faith. Speaking of Faith, this takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, before Tara comes in, after Anya, after Riley... um, and that's about it, I think. No time specific.
This transcript was transcribed by someone else, I found it, and decided to use it for my own devious devices, for I am evil. Anyway, all typos in the script belong to the transcriber, and if he/she doesn't like this being used, let me know and I'll beg you lots to let me use it.
Spike glared at Buffy, and rubbed his jaw. "What the hell was that for? I didn't do anything."
Buffy shrugged, turning away from the impotent vampire. "Gotta work out my frustrations somehow, and you're the only evil thing around."
Spike rolled his eyes. "Beg to differ, Xander's sitting two feet away from you. Anyone who reads random phrases from spell books out loud has to be at least partially evil." He glared at the boy, who was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands.
Willow, sitting beside Xander, glared at Spike. "He didn't do it on purpose." She looked helplessly around the nearly empty room, frowning with all the strength a frustrated witch could frown with. "It's not his fault we're stuck here. It's only his fault that we're here." She smiled at Xander, showing her helpful support. "In this big, empty room, with nothing but a couch, a chair, and four glaringly bright walls staring at us. It's not--"
Xander moaned pitifully, throwing himself backwards. He bounced against the couch cushions a few times before settling in for a good long pouting session. "Guys, come on, I swear I didn't mean for this to happen. Can't we just forgive me and move on?"
"No," Spike retorted, wiping blood from his lip.
Buffy sat on the other side of Xander, sharing a sympathetic look with Willow. "Xander, the only one still blaming you is you. And Spike, but he doesn't count." She tossed the fuming vampire a smug grin.
Resisting the urge to wipe that smug grin forcefully off of her face, Spike threw himself into the lone chair occupying the room. "Enough with the sniveling. How do we get out of here?" He gestured to Willow, "Do something. You're a witch, do a spell. Speak some Latin. Get us the hell out of here."
Willow sighed heavily. "If only it were that easy. I don't know the specific spell Xander used--"
Xander moaned pitifully. Again.
"And even if I did, I couldn't just make up a chant and--poof--we'd be out of here. It doesn't work that way... except in t.v. shows."
"Bloody hell." Glaring at the moron was all that was left to do. They were stuck here. "I'm getting hungry."
A dull green light flashed in front of him briefly, then faded, leaving a mug of steaming... something behind.
"Ok, what was that?" Buffy demanded, jumping over the back of the couch to reach the mug before Spike could grab it. She lifted it to her nose, sniffing it. "Eww. Blood." She shoved it roughly into Spike's hands and turned to the others, hands on her hips. "I think someone knows we're here."
Willow nodded silently, looking around them in a slightly nervous manner. "Um," she practically whispered, then cleared her throat and spoke more loudly, "boy, I sure am hungry. I need a... uh, pizza." She bit her lip when nothing happened. "Or not." Slumping back next to Xander, she shrugged at Buffy. "You try."
Buffy didn't answer, she was too busy staring at a green beam of light behind the couch. "Will..." she motioned to the light, which faded almost as soon as it appeared. A white box sat on the floor. A pizza box.
"Food," Xander mumbled, "that's really going to get us out of here." He stood up, determination etched on his face. "A door to the outside, so we can get out of here would be swell!"
Spike rolled his eyes, sipping at the blood. Shocked when he tasted human blood, he pulled the mug back and stared at it. Noticing Willow's eyes suddenly focused on him, he pretended nothing was wrong, which it wasn't, and downed the blood. It was better than he remembered. Bloody hell, how was he supposed to go back to pig's blood after this?
Xander threw his arms out from his sides. "Gosh, it didn't work. I'm surprised. I--" a beam of the same green light appeared, bigger this time, taking up nearly half the room. It grew so bright, they had to shield their eyes from it. Suddenly, as with the other times, it was gone. "Hey," Xander yelled, "I said I wanted out, not to stay longer!"
They all approached the chairs and table that now occupied the other side of the room. A stack of papers sat neatly on the table, beckoning them closer. Spike, being taller than the rest, and closer to the table, read the top page and cursed. "What the hell is this? A movie script? And a bad movie at that." He spun away from the chairs and threw his empty mug against the wall, watching in fascination as the mug splattered against the wall and landed in a broken mess on the floor.
The others spared him a quick glance, then sat down.
Buffy grabbed the stack of papers, read the top page, and glared at Spike. "Hey, this is a good movie! I happen to like it, thank you very much."
Xander and Willow shared a snicker at Buffy's expense, hiding it from her suddenly suspicious glare.
Willow covered hers with a cough, and a smile. "Um, what's on the next page? Is it the script?"
Buffy shrugged and flipped the title page. "Looks like it. What are we supposed to do with it?"
Xander, seeing something on the wall in front of them, moved cautiously toward it. "Guys..." he ran his hand along the inch long vertical black line that had appeared about six feet up the wall. "What's this?"
"A line?" Spike said, sarcasm dripping from his lips, much like the blood from the wall. He glared at the three of them, hating them more at that moment than he ever had before. Especially the moron. It was his fault they were stuck in this place, no matter what Willow said, and Spike was prepared to repeat that litany with his dying breath. If he had breath. And wasn't already dead. But still.
Buffy and Willow were reading the second page of the script when Xander jumped away from the wall. "It's bigger." He pointed at the line on the wall. "It moved... it just grew. Or something." He was staring at the now three inch line like it was going to jump off the wall and bite him.
Willow frowned at the line, then at the pages on Buffy's lap. She quickly read further, glancing up at the line every few seconds. The further she got down the page, the longer the line became. By the time she reached the end of the page, the line had grown to six inches. She stood up, pointing at the script. "Maybe it's a key," she said excitedly.
Buffy and Xander both had confused looks on their faces, both aimed at Willow. "Huh?" Buffy said, apparently summing up Xander's thoughts with that inane comment, judging by the rapid nodding he was doing.
"She means," Spike said, taking a drag off his newly lit cigarette and snapping his lighter closed with a metalic click, "that the script is the way out of here."
Willow was nodding emphatically. "Exactly. The more I read, the longer the line gets. Maybe it makes a door when it's done." Her excitement was contagious, forcing a grin from Xander, and a cautious smile from Buffy.
"You think?" Xander asked, grabbing the pages and reading quickly through the first one. His excitement ebbed a bit when nothing happened. He read further, his smile slipping more and more the further he got. "Nothing's happening."
"Let me try," Spike sighed, snatching the next page from the stack. He read through it just as quickly as the others had, but nothing happened. "Looks like your theory has flaws," he told Willow, tossing the paper in the air, and watching as it floated, much more gently than he liked, to the ground. "Good thing too, 'cause I think I'd rather be stuck here than read that thing."
"Look!" It was Willow again. "The line moved." They all looked at her like she was crazy. Didn't look any different to them, and since she'd been the only one to see it, they were hesitant to take her word for it. "Not from him reading it, but from the sarcasm." Now they really looked at her like she was nuts. "Really. Watch." She grabbed the next sheet of paper from the pile that was now back on the table. Reading quickly through it, she spotted a typo. "Ah ha! Here we go... um, the line is: 'Now in the spirit of Mother Teresa what will be your comtribution to your community and the world at large?' And, if I'm right, when I say, 'My comtribution to my community would be to teach unfortunate MC's, like yourself, how to pronounce words.' the line should grow..."
All four of them stared at the wall, waiting. Seconds later, the line grew two inches longer. The three teenagers cheered, and hugged each other. "That joke sucked completely," Xander said excitedly, "but damn if it didn't work."
Spike rolled his eyes and sat down, grabbing the script. "Great, let's get to it then, so we can get out of here. And you'd better be right about that thing being the beginnings of a door. Otherwise..." he let the threat hang in the air, grinning when Willow swallowed nervously. Even being leashed in by a chip couldn't dimish Willow's fear of him. Yay.
Buffy, on the other hand, had no such fears. She slapped him in the back of the head and flopped into the chair to one side of him. Xander dropped straight down into the chair farthest from Spike, leaving one seat open, between him and Spike. Willow bit her lip, opened her mouth to ask Xander to move, then shut it again.
Spike watched her with a grin, knowing she didn't want to sit beside him, knowing she wanted to ask Xander to trade places, but also knowing she wouldn't. She was too wishy-washy, non-assertive. She would sit down, primly, and accept her fate stoicly.
And she did.
Spike nearly burst out laughing when she sat almost on the edge of the chair. She had to catch herself to keep from slipping off the soft cloth, and reposition herself more firmly in the chair. Hiding his laughter, he cleared his throat. "Well, let's get to the mocking."
"Won't be easy," Buffy warned them, a slight pout to her voice. "It was a good movie."
"Right," Spike agreed. "Great movie... people getting killed, blood everywhere, sharp pointy hooks used to slash..." he sat up suddenly, a little more attentive. "Hang on, this could be a great movie."
Buffy glared at him. "You haven't even seen it, and you're passing judgement on it? I so don't like you." She sat back, crossing her arms over her chest. "Just start already."
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER
EXT. - Camera pan over the ocean and around reapers curve. camera zero's in on a man sitting on top of reapers curve holding a silver medallion that says "I love you".
WILLOW: (clears her throat)
ALL: (look at her expectantly)
WILLOW: Oh, sorry... um, I was-- nothing to say here.
The man is drinking. Fireworks are set off, it's the 4th of july.
XANDER: That's a bad combination
BUFFY: I thought it was a haiku.
XANDER: I meant the drinking and fireworks. It's just an accident waiting to happen. My Uncle Roary--
WILLOW: (counting quickly) Hey, it is. A haiku, I mean.
BUFFY (to Willow) Really? I was kidding.
SPIKE: (heaves a huge sigh)
EXT. - The croaker parade --- Floats are up and down the street and people are cheering.
XANDER: (as people, flatly) Yay.
BUFFY: That was pathetic, Xander. We want to get out of here today, not next week.
XANDER: (defensive) Well excuse me for not always being ready with the bon mots like you, Miss... Witty... Person.
SPIKE: (snorts derisively)
WILLOW: (primly) And we're moving on...
INT. The Croaker queen contest.---
That's got to be the prettiest girl we've ever had in this competition, I tell you.
BUFFY: (as MC) That hot pink tube top and electric blue short shorts outfit was spectacular, I tell you.
Now let's welcome back our six finalist on stage, come on back out girls. There they are, pretty as can be I tell ya. were proud of you girls. you've worked hard.
SPIKE: (as MC) *Were* proud of you, girls, *were*, but we're not anymore. You've shamed us.
On the balcony. Barry Cox, Julie James and Ray Bronson are cheering on Helen Shiver.
ALL: (flatly) Go, Helen.
Look at her she was born for this.
XANDER: (as Julie) Look at her, look at her. Look I tell you.
I never knew her breasts were so, ample.
SPIKE: Is an 8x10 glossy too much to ask for?
WILLOW/BUFFY: (stare at him in disgust)
SPIKE: What? I require visuals to help me envision the characters so that I can be more involved in the story.
XANDER: (to Spike) Yeah, they never believe me when I say stuff like that either.
SPIKE: (glares at Xander)
She does these exercises to pump 'em up.
BUFFY/WILLOW: (in Austrian accent) We're going to *pump*... you up!
Guys, I'm on sexist overdrive as it is, kill the commentary.
WILLOW: (makes stabbing motions) Die, commentary, die!
XANDER: Whoa, calm down there, Will... a few unresolved issues bothering you?
WILLOW: Uh, no?
ALL: (nod warily)
Back on stage
BUFFY: Front on chairs. (nods) Japanese philosophy.
Now in the spirit of Mother Teresa what will be your comtribution to your community and the world at large?
WILLOW: My com--
XANDER: (to Willow, chiding) Unh-unh, no repeats.
WILLOW: Says who?
WILLOW: (grumbles) Ok. Sheesh. (crosses her arms over her chest)
Well Bob, at summers end I plan to move to New York City
ALL: (as Pace Picante guys) *New York City?!*
XANDER: Get a rope!
where I will pursue a career as a serious actress,
SPIKE: (as Helen) Here, career, career, career, here, boy.
it's my goal to entertain the world through artistic expression, through art, I shall serve my country.
XANDER: Uh, I've been in the Army--sort of--and I'm pretty sure they don't arm you with art.
BUFFY: Not even Picasso art? It's pointy.
Back to the balcony
BUFFY: Front to the--
WILLOW: (smugly) No repeats.
Do you believe all this shit?
SPIKE: (as Barry) Nah, as a rule, I don't believe shit, he lies too much.
Work it babe. Their eating it up, look she's incredible.
WILLOW: Typo. 'Their' should be 'they're'. And while I'm at it, doesn't this transcriber believe in periods? He, or she, uses way too many commas to--
SPIKE: (yawns loudly)
WILLOW: (meekly) Sorry.
Back to stage
BUFFY: (quickly, before anyone can stop her) Front to wall!
And now. this years Croaker Queen is...Miss Helen Shivers
The crowd cheers
ALL: (flatly) Yay.
as the announcers gives Helen her crown and septor.
XANDER: (as helen, waving a mock-septor) All hail me! Bow down, my subjects, bow down.
That's my girlfriend, yeah!!!!
BUFFY: (as Barry) She's never seen me before in her life, yeah! Um, exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point.
WILLOW: (as Barry) I'm going to stalk that girl, yeah!
BUFFY: (stares at Willow expectantly)
WILLOW: Oh. Exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point
BUFFY: Thank you.
EXT. The streets of SouthPort --- On the street the song My Baby's Got The Strangest Ways is being preformed
XANDER: Preformed songs seem so... preformed.
live by Southern Culture on the skids a hundreds of locals are parting.
SPIKE: Eh? That sentence make sense to anyone else?
WILLOW: A hundreds of locals are parting the crowds for, um, Helen to... uh, move through them.
Helen and Julie walk in.
WILLOW: (triumphantly) See?
SPIKE: (rolls his eyes)
How's my hair?
XANDER: (as Helen) What's my clothes?
SPIKE: (as Helen) When's my shoes?
Hey, it's all about the hair don't you forget that. especially when you become some big hot shot laywer those professional women types thinks its all about brains and ability and compleatly ignore the do'.
XANDER: I'm not *even* gonna touch that one.
WILLOW: So many typos, so little caring.
So the do's vital, got it.
Helens sister Elsa appears.
XANDER: Where'd she come from?!
Hey you riding with me?
BUFFY: 'Hey you'? She doesn't know her sister's name?
No tell mom I'll be home late.
Ah is little miss Croaker getting sauteed tonight?
Oh a twit with a wit.
SPIKE: (opens his mouth to say something)
BUFFY: Shut up, Spike.
Max runs up to Julie
XANDER: (as Max) Hi! I didn't actually want anything, I'm just really hyper tonight!
Hey Julie, I brought you a shooter on the house.
WILLOW: (as Julie) There's a shooter on the house?!
XANDER: (as bystander) A shooter's on the house?!
BUFFY: (as another bystander) There's a shooter on the house?!
SPIKE: (looks from side to side, when they fall silent) No.
WILLOW: (grumbles) Party pooper.
Oh thanks Max but I have this mental block, can't get past the slime.
XANDER: Her mental block can't get past the slime? In her brain? I'm confused.
How about I take you out
SPIKE: (as Julie) Shooter on the house! Run!
before you leave town, you know kind of a bon voyage.
BUFFY: (as Max) My killing you is your bon voyage present... get it?
XANDER: That's his answer to what to get the girl who has everything.
Ah you know, I don't think so.
We've been friends since forever, now you cant just leave without farewell right?
SPIKE: (as Julie) Wrong... or, um, oops, what was the question again?
Barry and Ray walk up .Barry takes the shooter from Max.
XANDER: The shooter's--
BUFFY: (to Xander) Move on, Xan, move on.
A toast to us, to our last summer of immature, adolecant decandence.
SPIKE: Adolecant? Must be an American thing...
WILLOW: Decandence? Is that supposed to be decadence?
XANDER: Maybe he's saying someone named Adolecant can dance...?
He drinks the shooter
BUFFY: Random sentences! Cool. She sees the shoe.
WILLOW: He eats the potato.
XANDER: She taps the pen.
SPIKE: (sighs, giving in) He hears the wind.
WILLOW: (as Helen) Um, nobody here. But somebody somewhere is, I'm sure of it... the world is, like, hundreds of miles big.
Barry (To Max) -
Yo chumbake, take a hike.
BUFFY: (as Max) But I don't have my hiking boots with me, and I'm wearing birkenstocks... I'd get pebbles in my shoes.
Barry then pushes Max to the ground and a fight breaks out. Ray pulls them apart.
Barry their just friends.
BUFFY: (as Helen) Ray and Max are just friends, it's ok, Barry. Ray still loves you.
WILLOW: Barry is their just friend? Is Helen their bimbo friend?
BUFFY: Hey! I... kind of like her.
WILLOW: And Ray's their kindly, but no too bright friend?
BUFFY: Hey! I like him too. Go easy on him.
SPIKE: (quietly, to Willow) Uh, pet, it's a typo. Supposed to be 'they're'.
WILLOW: (quietly, to Spike) I know, but typos bug me, and so I was fixing it in my head. All better now.
SPIKE: (shakes his head)
BUFFY: (watching them suspisciously) Back to the movie. (to Xander) Wake up!
XANDER: (startles awake) Wha--?
Okay Ray just taking care of your girl like I promised.
Thanks, Buddie, now lets blow.
Yeah okay, lets beem down to Dawson's beach. Enjoy a ride?
XANDER: (as Julie) No, I don't intend to enjoy it. I enjoy nothing, I'm the uptight, un-fun friend.
Julie (To Max) -
EXT. Reapers curve --- Driving along the highway, driving very dangerously.
BUFFY: The curve is driving along the highway?
WILLOW: (nods) Dangerously.
BUFFY: I hope it doesn't crash.
EXT. SouthPort beach --- The four friends are on the beach.
So the boy and girl are making out right? When they hear over the radio that this lunatic killer's
XANDER: (as Ray) This lunatic killer right here beside me. Say hi, Bob.
BUFFY: (as Bob) Hi.
escaped from an insane asylum, he gots this long sharp hook for a hand.
SPIKE: (laughing) He gots?
BUFFY: (to Spike, curiously) And *that's* the part of the sentence you focus on?
SPIKE: (shrugs) Well, I gots to admit the other part had me enthralled too.
No, you're telling it wrong.
Shut Up! So the girl, she gets all scared right? And the boy, all hot and bothered, he gets pissed and peels out.
SPIKE: (chiding) Shouldn't drive when you're pissed.
XANDER: Yeah, we don't need any more road rage from you hot and bothered, frustrated, angry teenage boys.
WILLOW: (to Xander, explaining) Pissed means drunk in England.
XANDER: Neat. (understanding) Oh. Hehe... (gives a double thumbs up) Don't drink and drive.
No, no, no no. That's not the way it goes, okay the boy goes for help and the girl stays in the car and she hears this scratching sound...
Helen (interupting) -
It's not a scratching sound, it's a drip, drip, drip.
SPIKE: (snorting) You're a drip, drip, drip.
No. its scartching
WILLOW: It doesn't bother me, it's just a typo. It doesn't bother me.
because the guys been hung from a tree limb and his feet are scratching on the roof of the car.
No, he's been decapitated and it's the blood for his severed neck
XANDER: Blood *for* the guy's severed neck? What, someone's hanging around waiting for this guy to be decapitated so they can replace his blood supply?
that's dripping on the car going drip, drip, drip.
No he wasn't decapitated, he was gutted with a hook. That's the way I heard it.
BUFFY: No, he was drowned, and his body was dragged behind the car.
WILLOW: You're wrong. He was shot, and his arm was severed by the blast.
XANDER: Nunh-uh! He was eviscerated, and tied to a tree.
SPIKE: Wrong. He was bitten and drained, end of story.
You're all wrong, they get back to the girls house and find the lunatics bloody hook in the car door. Now that's the original story, that's the way it really happened.
Hey, hey none of it really happened, it's a bullshit ghost story to begin with .
WILLOW: Look, the period's trying to sneak away from the words.
No it's not,
WILLOW: (frowns) Yes, it is.
WILLOW: (smiles) Told ya.
OTHERS: (stare at her oddly)
Yeah I don't think so Ray
WILLOW: Oh, now Helen doubts it? Just look!
I swear it.
WILLOW: (triumphantly) See? Ray swears it!
XANDER: Therefore it must be true.
WILLOW: (nods) Exactly.
XANDER: (to Willow) Actually, I meant--
BUFFY: (shakes her head) Forget it, she's too far gone.
Please, it's a fictional story created to warn young girls of the dangers of having premarital sex.
WILLOW: (getting angry) No, it's not. That makes no sense! It's--
SPIKE: (shakes Willow) Snap out of it!
SPIKE: All better?
WILLOW: (nods slowly) Got stuck for a second. I'm good now.
Well actually honey, you know how terrified I am of your IQ
SPIKE: (as Ray) That's it. That's all I wanted to say.
XANDER: Attack of the IQ! Ruuuuuuuuuuuun, it's coming to intellectualize us to death!
WILLOW: I've had that dream.
but it's an urban legend, american folklore and they all usually originate from some real life incident.
WILLOW: Julie sings.
BUFFY: Helen snores.
XANDER: Barry burps.
SPIKE: Max flies.
Some time has passed on the beach and Helen is running around while Barry is laying on the ground.
WILLOW: (as Barry) Running around on me already, huh?
So by that time, I will just be finishing my two year contract on Guiding Light, coinciding with your first year as starting quaterback for the steelers...
WILLOW: (glares at Spike)
SPIKE: (shrugs) It was all I could think of.
Whatever. Then we can elope in Europe or the Caymans or wherever where I will let you impregnate me
WILLOW: (to Buffy) And you think I plan ahead?
with the first of thrre children,
XANDER: Anya and I aren't gonna have thrre children. We want fvie.
before you head off to rehab and then we can live hapily...
WILLOW: She's even planned his drug addiction. Now that's dedication.
SPIKE: (to Willow) You're not gonna mention the typo at the--
WILLOW: It no longer exists in my mind.
Another part of the beach. Julie is walking alone on the beach calling out for Ray.
Ray (running behind her) -
I'm gonna hook you!!
BUFFY: (as Ray) On Phonics!
Hey Ray you don't really believe all that crap do you?
BUFFY: (as Ray) Well, sure, honey. It worked for me!
Please, it's really a phallic symbol.
WILLOW: That's what I was gonna say.
BUFFY: I had no idea the Hooked on Phonics people were evil... guess I'll have to take them out. (as an after-thought) And Alex Trebek.
Yeah ultimatly castrated. God I'm gonna miss you.
WILLOW: Random sentences again? This book's dull. Your hair is brown.
BUFFY: My foot hurts. The wind is blowing.
SPIKE: Torture's fun. The moon is full.
XANDER: Hot dogs are yummy. My printer's broken.
XANDER: No, not really.
They sit down on the sand.
You don't have to, you can always ditch this Boston thing and come to New York with me.
Yeah well we can't all sit in the village coffee house and ramble esoterically on our laptops. There just isn't enough room.
XANDER: So he's a writer?
BUFFY: Maybe a spy?
WILLOW: Computer programmer?
See, no one gets me the way you do.
SPIKE: Back off, man, I don't get you.
I understand your pain
SPIKE: Doubt it.
I hate this. I really hate this. You're gonna go off and fall for some head shaving-black wearing-tattoo covered-body peircing philosophy student.
WILLOW: (snarls) The hyphens are in the wrong places. She doesn't mean a head shaving-black, or a wearing-tattoo, or a covered-body. She means a head-shaving, black-wearing, tattoo-covered, body-piercing philosophy student!
SPIKE: Couldn't fix it mentally?
WILLOW: (sighs) No.
That sounds attractive.
XANDER: No it doesn't.
BUFFY: Not at all.
SPIKE: I'm cool with everything but the shaved head.
And I'll never see you again.
XANDER: Because of his sarcasm? That's harsh.
Hey, did you know the success rate of high school sweetheart realationships is higher than any other type of relationship?
Yeah? Name your source.
BUFFY: (as Ray) Playboy.
Ray then puts his hand on his heart.
Julie begins to remove her jacket.
XANDER: (to Willow, explaining) She thinks he's cold.
Are you sure?
Julie nods yes. Music comes up and the two begin to kiss as they lay on the ground.
XANDER: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. He holds his hand over his heart, and she takes off her clothes? And here I've been wasting my time with flowers and candy.
SPIKE: You've been wasting your time with breathing.
XANDER: Back off, Fangless.
Cut to - Helen and Barry at Barry's car. Barry wan't the keys to his car.
WILLOW: (softly, to herself) All fixed.
SPIKE: (snorts with laughter)
Okay manmeat give me the keys.
BUFFY: Manmeat? All this time I thought his name was Barry...
Who's car is this? Nobody drives my car but me.
XANDER: And yet, he doesn't even know whose car it is.
I know that baby but the Croaker Queen has to get home now.
Helen then grabs the keys from Barry.
Julie and Ray walk up.
Hey you two.
Helen tosses the keys to Ray.
Give me my fuckin' keys.
WILLOW: Such language. Bad, Barry.
You're trashed pal.
Come ride in the back with me, I'll let you do things to me.
SPIKE: Details wouldn't be a bad thing here.
XANDER: Where were these women when I was in school?
BUFFY: Being thought up by authors.
Barry (to Ray) -
Nobody drives my car but me you got that shit smear?
SPIKE: Ray's got a shit smear, and that's keeping Barry from letting him drive his car? I can see how that would put him off. Stains in upholstery are hard to get out.
WILLOW: Barry's got a trash-mouth. See that, Transcriber? Trash hyphen mouth.
Loud and clear. Get in the car.
INT. Barry's car. --- Ray is driving, Julie is in the passanger seat and Barry and Helen are in the back seat making out. The car shifts and Barry sits up.
BUFFY: (as Barry) You shift like a sissy.
Barry - You can't drive for shit you know that?
SPIKE: (as Ray, confused) I'm not driving for shit. I'm driving for us. To get us places.
Julie (to Barry) -
Can you say Al-co-hol-ic???
XANDER: Can you say talks like a two year old?
BUFFY: Question mark, question mark.
XANDER: Yeah, that.
Sappy music is playing on the radio.
What the hell is this crap?
Barry then puts on some thrash music and climbs out the sunroof
SPIKE: ...gets smacked in the head by a stray branch hanging over the road, goes flying and dies. End of movie.
BUFFY: Hey, it's not that bad.
SPIKE: We're doing this to get out of here, not have fun.
WILLOW: Oh yeah! I forgot about the door-thingie. (looks) It's moving!
ALL: (check out the now complete line on one side, and the two inches going horizontally from the top)
XANDER: (excited) Read on, read on! We're almost home free.
while swilling back the booze and screaming. Barry then drops his bottle on Ray and the car starts to slide.
What's wrong with you?
BUFFY: (as Barry) Were seven exclamation points really needed there? You know, they say, if you can't make them feel it with dialogue, then you--
BUFFY: Something like that.
The car hits something hard and skids off the road.
What was that?
XANDER: (to Helen) Something hard. (to the others) She must have short term memory loss.
I don't know.
XANDER: Him too.
Is everybody okay?
WILLOW: Look, the period got away.
Maybe it was an animal
WILLOW: (frowns) An animal took her period? And yours too?
SPIKE: I could say something here, but--
XANDER: (shudders) You won't.
SPIKE (agrees) I won't.
Buffy: (rolls her eyes)
Barry comes down through the sunroof.
Oh my god you're bleeding.
Barry wipes the blood of his face.
BUFFY: The blood of his face?
WILLOW: (to Buffy) Fix it mentally.
It's not mine.
BUFFY: But, isn't it the blood of his face? Therefore, it's his blood... since it's of his face.
SPIKE: Logic took a pill a long time ago, Slayer, get past it.
It must have been a dog or something.
XANDER: (as Barry) A dog bled on my face?
Barry (screaming) -
Jesus Christ, my fuckin' car.
They all hop out and look at the smashed up car.
Fuck! Can't you see where you're going??
XANDER: (as Ray) After I go to college and ramble esoterically on my laptop, apparently with a bald, leather-wearing tattoed chick, I'm going to get a job at my father's firm and--
BUFFY: And we're moving on.
Look, it came out of nowhere, I didn't see it.
A dog couldn't have done that.
Yeah well a fucking deer could.
SPIKE: (as Barry) So a fucking deer bled on his face?
SPIKE: Was it actually fucking at the time, or--
WILLOW: Louder ew!
You dropped your bottle, I was just...
Barry (interupting) -
My dad is gonna freak on my ass.
SPIKE: (opens his mouth)
OTHERS: Shut up, Spike!
It was an accident leave him alone.
Where is it? If it was a deer then where is it??
Maybe it ran off.
I hope so, I hope we didn't kill it.
Fuck that. Lets go.
SPIKE: (again opens his mouth)
BUFFY: Don't even--
WILLOW: Think about it--
XANDER: Disgusto Man!
SPIKE: You guys suck.
Julie sees a mans boot on the side on the road with blood on it.
Oh my god.
XANDER: (as Julie, overly effiminate) Red so clashes with the boot color. What were they thinking?
SPIKE: You did that a little too well.
XANDER: Shut up, Fangless.
She runs and picks it up.
BUFFY: (as Ray) ...did they actually put those two colors together!
Oh my god.
WILLOW: (as Julie) I can't look at it anymore, Ray, get rid of it.
But I thought...
BUFFY: (as Helen) ...they kind of looked good together. My bad.
I didn't see it.
XANDER: (as Ray) I'll just pretend I didn't see it, put it out of my mind. Mentally erase it.
SPIKE: Like Red here.
WILLOW: (to Spike) Don't knock it, Fangless.
SPIKE: (snarls) Quit calling me that!
No there's no way.
BUFFY: (as Barry) ...they put those two colors together. God, don't they have eyes? That is just... yuck.
Oh my god this isn't happening.
WILLOW: (as Julie) We'll just... pretend we didn't see it. Put the boot down, and back away slowly.
Barry runs and gets some flashlights out of the trunk of the car. They begin looking.
ALL BUT SPIKE: Nooooo!
SPIKE: Um, I think you guys have beat this horse into the ground and then some. You can stop now.
You check that side.
Come on Helen.
Julie screams in horror,
WILLOW: In horror!
WILLOW: Sorry, I was in the moment.
BUFFY: (as Julie) There's another boot over here, and it's even worse than the first one!
there is a body laying on the side of the road.
I couldn't see him, I swear.
Is he dead.?
I don't know
Check his pulse.
You're the one who rammed him.
SPIKE: Ray rammed--
BUFFY: (slugs Spike in the arm) Let's not get NC-17, ok? Keep it clean... mostly.
Just do it.
XANDER: She stole Nike's slogan.
Ray goes towards the body and checks his pulse.
I think he's dead.
Who is he?
BUFFY: My guess is a dead guy.
WILLOW: (nods) With badly coordinated boot coloring.
SPIKE: (groans miserably)
Ray - I can't tell, his face is all messed up.
SPIKE: (as Ray) Due to his being dead and all.
WILLOW: And rammed by a car.
XANDER: Which was speeding down the highway.
BUFFY: That about covers it.
What the hell was he doing out here?
XANDER: (as Ray) Playing dead as an April Fool's Day joke. But alas, life imitates art.
WILLOW: An April Fool's Day joke isn't art.
BUFFY: Also, they're not alive, they're characters thought up by authors.
XANDER: (not at all fazed) Technicalities.
We've got to call the police and get an ambulance out here.
Hey hey what's your hurry? The guys dead.
SPIKE: (as Barry, cajolingly) Why don't we have some fun first, huh? Dress him up, and--
XANDER: (to Spike) You're a very disturbing person, Spike.
BUFFY: (to Xander, correcting him) Not a person.
XANDER: Vampire. Whatever.
SPIKE: Eat me
WILLOW: (clears her throat) Moving on...
You're not a doctor you don't make that descison.
WILLOW: (as Barry) Am so! Do too!
Use your brain Julie, we call the police and were fucked.
XANDER: 'We call'... leads me to believe that's a present tense thing happening there, but then the 'were' comes in and makes me think past tense. I'm confused. Were they, or were they not fucked by the police?
WILLOW/BUFFY: (shocked) Xander!
SPIKE: (laughing, chiding) Language!
It was an accident.
Look, lets think about this a minute.
ALL: (silent for a minute, then...)
WILLOW: (as Julie) Ow, my brain hurts.
BUFFY: (as Helen) What was the question?
XANDER: (as Ray) Who are you people?
SPIKE: (as Barry) I need another drink.
Think about what? Think about what?
XANDER: (as Julie) Think about what? Think about what? Um, what were we talking about?
WILLOW: Dead bodies.
XANDER: (as Julie) Oh, right. (ahem) Think about what? Think about what?
He was crossing the road in the middle of the night okay it was an accident, you weren't drinking or speeding.
BUFFY: This transcriber isn't big on punctuation, is he?
WILLOW: (grits her teeth, mutters) Not noticing, not noticing.
BUFFY: (looks at Willow oddly)
There's liquor all over the car.
XANDER: (as Ray) Let's lick it up! Yay.
But you're sober.
XANDER: (as Ray) Which is why I want to lick up the liquor! Yay.
They will never believe I was driving.
It's my car, they'll nail my ass.
SPIKE: That hurts. I sat on one once, had a hell of a time gettin' it out... (notices them looking at him) What?
ALL: Too much info.
That's not true.
Are you kidding? Look at me, I'm drunk as shit, I'm fucked.
WILLOW: Really likes those words, doesn't he? I think it's the extent of his vocabulary.
BUFFY: He also knows some sarcastic comments.
XANDER: And-- (stops and thinks) wait, no, that's it.
So we'll call the police, just tell them the truth, they'll believe us.
BUFFY: Yes, 'cause the police are so very smart.
It's manslaughter. We're gonna fry no matter who takes the fall.
Then we leave right now.
No way are you crazy?
The grills busted, there's blood everywhere.
We can clean it up, come on.
WILLOW: Don't these people watch t.v., or movies, or read books? You can't erase evidence. Odds are, they'll get caught.
XANDER: (soothingly) Good thing it's not real then, huh?
Listen to yourselves,
ALL: (listen attentively)
BUFFY: I don't hear anything.
WILLOW: Nothing here.
SPIKE: Just three heartbeats on my end.
XANDER: Does that get annoying?
SPIKE: Yours does.
XANDER: (laughs facetiously)
NO we are going to the police.
BUFFY: Yes I won't swim.
WILLOW: No the computer is on.
XANDER: Yes he won't do it.
SPIKE: No I will participate in this stupid game! (growls at himself)
Barry (still screaming) -
We don't have time for your shit, you understand? we've got to move fast.
SPIKE: They don't have time for Ray's shit, but they overlooked his shit smear?
Hey, now lets try to stay calm. Focus.
WILLOW: (shrugs) I tried, didn't work. Time to panic! Ahhhhh!
SPIKE: (covers his ears) Extra special hearing, remember?
WILLOW: Oops, sorry.
Don't you get it? If there's some of him on the car, there's some of the car on him, their gonna trace it back to you, you're looking at a hit and run.
XANDER: There's bits of 'him' on the car? Can I just say, 'Ew!'?
WILLOW: You just did.
XANDER: (grins) Cool.
Then we dump the body.
You've lost it.
SPIKE: (as Barry) The body? No, it's right here. Bleeding on my face, I think.
Like just pretend we were never here.
WILLOW: Like, who's she talking to?
We could drag him into the water and dump him in, they wouldn't find the fucker for weeks by that time all the evidence would be washed away.
WILLOW: Run-on sentences rarely please anyone.
BUFFY: (leans past Spike to Willow) Who you talking to, Will?
WILLOW: Mr. Transcriber.
BUFFY: (straightens up with a nod) Ah, got ya.
If they found him at all... The currents are strong, the undertow could carry him out to sea.
I won't be any part of it.
Look I'm scared Julie, I'm not like the rest of you, I don't have the family or the money to get me out of this. Please.
XANDER: (as Ray) Please, honey? I'm just asking you to help me dump a body, and cover up a murder. That's not too much to ask, is it?
BUFFY: (quietly) This is disturbingly similar to what Faith did.
WILLOW: Well, yeah, but, um-- that's all I've got actually.
SPIKE: (confused) Who's Faith?
This is your future Julie, think about it, college, your schloarship.
XANDER: I know I'm not the smartest guy on the block--
SPIKE: (snorts with laughter) You can say that again.
XANDER: (glares at Spike) But! Even I know there's such a thing as a Spell Checker on almost every word processor out there.
BUFFY: Like you're so spell-checky? And besides, how do you know Julie's not going for her schloarship? It could happen.
The guy's already dead, if we go to the police we're dead too.
WILLOW: (scoffs) I don't think the police will kill you. Unless you resist arrest.
SPIKE: Or the cop is from L.A.
A truck starts coming down the road towards them.
BUFFY: Then, oddly enough, it stops coming down the road towards them.
XANDER: Then it starts coming down the road towards them.
WILLOW: Then it stops coming down the road towards them.
BUFFY: Then is starts--
SPIKE: We get it! Stop already!
WILLOW: (grinning) Us? Or the truck?
SPIKE: (vamps out and growls at Willow)
WILLOW: (shrinks back) Us! Ok!
BUFFY: Barry's sort of got a one track mind, doesn't he? (As Helen) Not now, honey, we've got company.
WILLOW: (as Helen) And a dead body.
What do we do?
Barry (to Ray) -
XANDER: (as Helen) We help you? That's your brilliant plan? All hail Barry and his masterful plan to not get caught!
Barry and Ray pick up the body and carry him over to the other side of the guardrail.
Shit, they're slowing down. Who is it?
Get rid of him.
WILLOW: (as Julie) I'm not gonna kill Max. You're the killer, you do it!
XANDER: (as Barry) I'm not the killer, Ray is. He won't do it, he hates everything.
WILLOW: Pop culture.
BUFFY: Life cereal.
SPIKE: (nods, though he obviously doesn't get it)
Max stops the truck.
Julie? What you got car trouble?
Max and Julie look over to the guardrail where Barry is pretedning he is vomiting.
SPIKE: I'm all the time pretedning to do things.
XANDER: Me too.
BUFFY: Me too.
Actually, it's barry, he's had way too much to drink and were trying to keep the up-chuck out of the new car.
XANDER: Past tenses mixed with present tenses again... I can't keep up.
Max looks back at the smashed up car.
Doesn't look so new anymore
BUFFY: (as Julie) Well, you know cars do lose some of their value as soon as they're driven off the lot... oh, you mean that big dent and broken thing?
Yeah, don't drink and drive.
SPIKE: I said that way back before all this mess started.
XANDER: You know they can't hear you, right?
SPIKE: Shut up, Xander.
Daddy's gonna be mad.
Ray comes over to the truck.
What can I do for you Max?
SPIKE: (as Max) Well, I've got this ache down on my--
WILLOW: Remember how we weren't being NC-17? We're still not.
SPIKE: You lot are no fun.
You can wipe that "my shit don't stink grin off your face".
WILLOW: (primly) I believe that would be a my-shit-don't-stink grin.
Okay Max, will do. Have a goodnight.
XANDER: (as Max) I don't want to have a goodnight. I want to have a good night.
You almost got that rich boy act down Ray.
XANDER: (as Ray) Ok, here, let me try again. (imitating Mr. Howell) Lovey, be a dear and throw another bag of money on the fire, would you? (normal voice) How's that?
BUFFY: (as Max) much better!
We'll be seeing you Max.
SPIKE: Yeah. Get out.
Xander: Go on, get.
Yup. Take care Julie.
WILLOW (explodes... not literally) That's it! I can't take it anymore! You always, always, *always* use a comma before a person's name when you're addressing them! Always!
OTHERS: (shrink away from Willow)
BUFFY: (mutters) Uptight much?
Max drives away.
EXT. Down at the docks. --- Barrys car is arriving,
XANDER: These rich kids have everything. Someone to bring the car around for them to load the body into... wish I had that.
they get out and open the trunk and Barry and Ray start dragging the body down to the water.
BUFFY: Looks like they've already done the loading, and have moved on to the unloading.
Even if his body washes ashore in the next couple of weeks, he'll be eaten by crabs and small fish. Maybe we'll get lucky with a shark. Take him to the side.
WILLOW: (confused) A shark will take him to the side?
BUFFY: (nods) Yep, and tell him he has something oogie on his face.
they start to lower him on to the side of the wharf.
XANDER: (as Captain Picard) Warp ten, Mr. Worf! (pauses... waits...) Engage.
BUFFY: (as Worf) I can't, Captain, I have a body attached to my side.
Put him down.
SPIKE: (as Barry) Now pick him back up again.
Easy, that's it.
Lets do it.
XANDER: (as Helen) Barry, we're dumping a body, we can't have sex right now. Pervert.
Should we check his wallet and see who he is?
I don't know okay, just to know.
I don't want to know.
Let's just pretend he's some escaped lunatic with a hook for a hand and we're doing everybody a favor. Ray help me.
I don't think I can Barry.
Shit, we agreed
SPIKE: Oh, see, Shit must be Ray's nickname. Now everything makes... not a lot more sense than it did before. (shrugs)
God, come on Barry it's not too late.
Barry (screaming) -
You, shut up just shut up.
XANDER: (as Julie) Meanie! (pouts)
Helen (wanting to get it over with) -
Christ already I'll do it.
Helen and Barry start to move the body towards the water when all of the sudden the man wakes up and grabs Helens crown, they all scream and push him in the water.
BUFFY: (as all) Eek! You get in the water you bad, bad, dead man who's still alive.
WILLOW: Wait, why'd they do that? He's alive--or he was before they pushed him in the water--they weren't in trouble anymore. Now they really have committed murder, I don't--
BUFFY: Panicked, I guess. I don't know, I wasn't there.
Helen (Hystrical) -
XANDER: At least she's not hysterical. That could get ugly.
My crown, he's got my crown.
SPIKE: (as Helen) My crown... it's so pretty and shiny... all gone now.
Barry jumps in the water after the crown and swims to the bottom where the man has landed with the crown in his hand.
BUFFY: (as man) *My* crown, *all* mine.
Barry reaches for it and as his hands touches the crown the mans eyes pop open and Barry beats the crown away from him while screaming his head off and swims back to the top leaving the man underwater.
BUFFY: (in a tiny, frightened voice) I thought the sentence was never going to end.
WILLOW: (proudly) I re-wrote it in my head. Wanna hear it?
Barry slams the crown to Helen and walks towards the car.
Let's get out of here.
We're going home now and never, ever, under any circumstances known to God speak about this again is that clear? It is now mearly a futural therapy bill agreed?
BUFFY: (laughing) Mearly a...
WILLOW: (giggling) Futural therapy bill...
XANDER: (laughing) Hooked on Phonics worked for him!
SPIKE: (fake laughing) Hehe... funny...
Barry (Screaming) -
SPIKE: Hey, man, she's standing right next to you, you don't have to scream.
I'll never mention it again.
We make a pact, right here and now we take this to our grave.
Julie nods her head in agreement.
Barry (livid) -
Don't you nod your head you fuckin say it.
XANDER: (as Julie) ...it.
Julie (somber) -
XANDER: Why's she so somber? You'd think killing someone--twice--and hiding their body was a downer or something.
SPIKE: It can be quite fun actually.
XANDER: I'm very afraid of you right now.
SPIKE: (chuckles maliciously)
Barry runs and grabs Julie by the neck pushing her against the car.
BUFFY: (as Barry) Kiss me, baby.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Like, ew, you're all sewer water-y.
SPIKE: (to Willow) They didn't dump the guy in the sewer.
WILLOW: I know, but it sounds better than, 'you're all wet'.
We take this to our grave, let me hear it.
XANDER: (as Julie) But you just said we take it to our grave.
Let her go Barry.
you fucking say it!
BUFFY: (as Julie, sighs in exasperation) All right, fine. 'Let her go, Barry!' Happy?
XANDER: (as Barry) Yes.
Okay Barry, we take this to the grave.
Barry gets in the car wet and furious.
SPIKE: (confused) The car's name is Wet and Furious?
WILLOW: No, *he* is wet and furious.
Ray (to Julie) -
It will be okay.
XANDER: (as Ray) It will be okay. I am a robot.
Julie begins to cry. And they all get in the car and leave. Camera pans in on the ground where a silver medallion that says "I love you" is laying.
XANDER: (in horror) Ack! Foreshadowing!
WILLOW: Time for a break. My butt's sore.
SPIKE: (sneering) I could rub it and--
XANDER: (clapping his hands together) Break time!
A/N: End chapter one. I had this all as one big, long story, but was told it was too long, which it is, so I'm breaking it into chapters. Nothing new added, except this message, April, 4, 2002.