I Know What They Parodied Last Summer
an MST3K of
I Know What You Did Last Summer
Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy... just 'cause. How did they get forced into reading bad scripts? I don't know! They just have to do it because I said so... isn't that good enough? No? Well, fine, then I'll do a little intro and explain it all away... I might even make it make sense. I can do that, 'cause it's my fanfic/MST/type thing. So there. ;P
Disclaimer: This movie, I know What You Did Last Summer, and the shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Angel (in case I mention stuff from there) don't belong to me. I'm, like, show-less and movie-less, which probably explains why I'm writing fanfics and parodies of fanfics. Huh.
I actually liked the movie, so all the ripping, and jokes and such, are done in good faith. Speaking of Faith, this takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, before Tara comes in, after Anya, after Riley... um, and that's about it, I think. No time specific.
This transcript was transcribed by someone else, I found it, and decided to use it for my own devious devices, for I am evil. Anyway, all typos in the script belong to the transcriber, and if he/she doesn't like this being used, let me know and I'll beg you lots to let me use it.
That's him, behind you, BEHIND YOU!
WILLOW: (as Helen) The clown is behind you! Run!
WILLOW: (pats Xander's knee) Sorry. I forgot your clown fear.
SPIKE: (snorts with laughter)
BUFFY: Hey, where did the multiple cops come from? Last I saw, there was only the one doofus.
turns back to the man who then sticks his hook in the cops stomach, bloods runs from the cops mouth.
SPIKE: The cop has multiple bloods?
WILLOW: Somebody was plural happy.
Helen screams, she tries to get out but she is in the back which is locked from the outside, the killer starts coming towards the car, she kicks the glass out of the window and crawls out and starts running, he is following her.
BUFFY: Well of course he's following her. What kind of a killer would he be if he gave up that easily?
XANDER: (in awe) Wow. She must have some hellacious muscles to kick out a car window.
SPIKE: (also in awe) Just think of what she could do with those muscles...
WILLOW/BUFFY: (roll their eyes)
WILLOW: And, you do realize she's a fictional character in a fictional movie, right?
BUFFY: (laughs) They're too far gone, Will.
INT. - Julies House --- Julie is still looking at articles about Susie Willis on the internet. She is reading outloud.
WILLOW: (snorts) How damn slow does she read?
BUFFY: (as Julie) Susie Willis... d-- di-- died. Susie Willis died o- on... um, Susie Willis died on J-- Ju-- unh! Julie? No... um, July! July f-- five? Fiveth? Dang it! Um, Fifth... July fifth! Ahem. Susie Willis di-- (moans) This is gonna take forever!
Susie Willis killed, trapped in car, driver unharmed, survived by her father, Benjamin, a local fisherman.
With that, Julie runs out the door.
WILLOW: (as Julie) An eligible man!
EXT. - On the streets --- the killer is still chasing Helen, she see the store that her family owns,
XANDER: (laughs) She see the store?
WILLOW: Plural happy no more. Now he's being stingy with the s's.
Elsa is inside closing up for the night. Helen runs towards the store screaming for Elsa.
BUFFY: (as Helen) Put the perfume on sale! Put the perfume on sale!
ELSA, ELSA, OPEN THE DOOR, ELSA, OPEN THE DOOR, PLEASE, JESUS CHRIST HURRY.
Elsa is slow in getting to the door, she finishes putting plastic over some items and then goes to get the keys.
SPIKE: (as Elsa) Jeez, just a second, these items are more important than you. When that killer gets in here and kills you, I don't want any blood on the merchandise. You are so selfish.
ELSA WHAT ARE YOU GOING?
XANDER: Where are you singing?
BUFFY: Why are you doing?
WILLOW: How are you sleeping?
SPIKE: When are you killing?
ELSA, PLEASE, OPEN THE DOOR, JESUS CHRIST NOW!
WILLOW: Elsa doesn't have a period.
SPIKE: And that makes her come faster?
WILLOW: (blushing) That's not what I meant, Mr. Two Track Mind.
ELSA, ELSA, PLEASE.
BUFFY: (as Helen) ...please let me make balloon figures!
Elsa finally opens the door, Helen runs in and slams the door behind her.
You could have walked around the Arch Tree entrance it's open.
I'm being attacked.
XANDER: (as Elsa) You are? Well, why didn't you say so? I wouldn't have opened the door at all. Could've been rid of you for good. Crap!
WILLOW: (as Elsa) ...ten? Eleven years old now? Can't you run from serial killers on your own yet? You are so immature.
They look outside and see no one.
WILLOW: (as Elsa) I see no one.
BUFFY: (as Helen) I, too, see no one.
SPIKE: (as killer) Boo!
WILLOW: (as Elsa) I see someone.
BUFFY: (as Helen) I, too, see someone.
SPIKE: (as killer) You two are boring. I'm going to go kill someone more interesting.
Lock the other door, I'll call the police.
What is going on?
XANDER: (as Helen) Well, to date, I've helped murder a man who turned out not to be dead at the time, but then later did die because we dumped his body into the water and left him there. Then, just recently, when Julie came back, the guy turns up not-dead, and starts torturing us with letters and hair cuts!
XANDER: (takes a much-needed breath)
Just do what I say god dammit.
BUFFY: (as Helen) Yeah, just do what I say, God. Dammit, you're so stubborn.
WILLOW: (to Buffy) I hear God never does what he's told.
Helen runs upstairs to use the phone, Elsa goes to the back entrance to lock the door. The door is swinging shut just before she walks in, she begins to lock it when she sees a reflection in the door, she turns around to see the man in a slicker standing looking at her with his face covered, she can't move or speak. His reflection passes through her glasses and she screams as the large hook slashes her throat. Helen hears the scream and hangs up the phone slowly moving down the stairs.
SPIKE: (as Helen) Screw Elsa, I'm out of here... never did like her much anyway.
Elsa? Elsa? Elsa where are you?
No response, she gets paranoid and tunrs around looking closley at a mannequin that is covered in plastic, it is very silent
XANDER: Well, duh, mannequins are always silent... what with them being bits of inanimate plastic and all.
WILLOW: I'm still stuck on how Helen 'tunrs' around looking 'closley' at it.
SPIKE: (to Willow) Anyone ever tell you you're a little uptight with a side of anal?
WILLOW: Um, not in those particular words, no.
then all of the sudden he jumps out from under the plastic and tackles her to the ground, she escapes and runs up the stairs, she passes by the bathroom and sees Elsa dead laying on the floor, she screams and keeps running and hops onto an old hand operated elevator, the killer is following her, she gets on the elevator and starts pulling the rope, he can't get on it but he swings his hook at her legs, she finally gets up to the attic and the killer has used the stairs and is also up there, she runs over to the edge of a window, he comes for her, she jumps out landing in a dumpster full of wood and other garbage. In a daze she looks up to the window and sees the killer is gone. She takes off running down the street, through alleys to try and find someone who can help her, fireworks go off and she sees that the parade is still going on, she runs towards them and hears a noise, she turns around and there is nothing, she turns back towards the parade, the killer is standing behind her, he grabs her and throws her into a stack of tires and he slashes her to death.
ALL: (silent... then...)
WILLOW: Helen's dead?
BUFFY: He killed her?
XANDER: She's really dead?
SPIKE: Yeah! Finally!
WILLOW: (to Spike) A little respect here? She was our favorite character!
SPIKE: (disbelieving) We hated her... she was a bimbo we made fun of throughout the whole movie.
BUFFY: Exactly! Now who are we going to make fun of?
XANDER: There *is* still Ray. And Julie.
EXT. - On the streets --- Julie is looking for her friends and sees the boat Ray works on, she runs towards the boat.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Will *you* help me, Mr. Boat? I'm trouble, but good. Seems I'm being hunted by a maniacal killer. What should I do?
SPIKE: (as boat) Kill yourself.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Thanks! Splash! AHHHHhhhh.....
OTHERS: (curious looks)
WILLOW: That was me, as Julie, throwing myself into the water.
OTHERS: Ah. (pause) Yay!
Ray? Ray ? Ray?
BUFFY: (as Julie) ...of light? Of light ? Of light?
Rays head pops up from below the boat.
XANDER: Where's the rest of him?!
Julie, what are you doing here?
XANDER: He's still talking! He's just a head! How does he do that?!
WILLOW: (to Xander) Stop yelling. Calm down. He's not dead, he's just an unfortunate victim of bad wording.
XANDER: Oh. Whew.
We didn't kill David Egan,
BUFFY: Is that getting old, do you think?
it was someone else on the road that night.
What are you talking about?
BUFFY: (as Ray) Someone else hit David Egan and then threw his body at our car to make it look like we hit him? Wow... that's brilliant.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Um, no, Brain Death, we hit someone else.
I think it was Susies father, Ben Willis, he's a fisherman.
WILLOW: (as Julie) And he's single!
XANDER: (as Ray) Ooo! Race you!
But they found Davids body in the water.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Which means, yay, he's still alive, and available. Sorry, Ray, you're old news. He's killer-cool.
SPIKE: (to Willow) Kind of like me.
BUFFY: Kind of, like, not a turn on for humans.
SPIKE: Kind of like Angel. He's killed more people than I have.
BUFFY: (stares at him like he's an idiot) He's a hundred years older than you are.
SPIKE: (gives her the same look) He's had his soul for a hundred years.
XANDER: Guys, come on, we're so close to the end. No more fighting. Please.
WILLOW: Yeah, please.
Yeah I know but I think Ben Willis killed David Egan.
Wait a second. You think this Willis guy killed David then we killed him?
BUFFY: (as Ray) We killed Willis who killed David who killed Max?
WILLOW: (as Julie) Uh-huh!
BUFFY: (as Ray) Cool... um, who did we kill again?
Yeah but what if he didn't die Ray? What if he's still alive?
BUFFY: (as Ray) What? I'm so confused... Bang!
XANDER: Ray's head blew up?
This is crazy. Come aboard. Come inside.
SPIKE: Ray sure is bossy with his women. Next, he'll be telling them *when* to come... aboard.
No we've gotta find Helen and Barry.
We will, we will.
XANDER: Way to sound sinister, Ray.
WILLOW: Points for effort.
He holds out his hand and she reaches for it and sees the name of his boat is "Billy Blue". She pulls her hand back.
You. Oh my god it's you.
SPIKE: (as Julie) You're the one who TP'd our house. Oh yeah, and you killed Max, Helen, and Barry.
XANDER: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
WILLOW: You bastards!
What are you talking about?
BUFFY: Kenny. They're talking about Kenny... geez, get with it.
Billy Blue. You went to Missys, your, your the friend, your the fisherman.
She runs faster than she has ever ran in her life,
SPIKE: And the transcriber knows this... how?
Ray yells behind her.
WILLOW: (as Ray) Stop running faster than you've ever run in your life!
I can explain...Julie wait, Julie.
He is running in back of her, she runs into a locked door.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Ow.
XANDER: Is that her way of asking where the bathroom is?
BUFFY: (as Ray) ...for it... wait for it.
BUFFY: (as Ray) Stopping it... stopping it...
He keeps chasing her when all of the sudden an man sticks his arm out sending Ray to the ground. Julie screams.
WILLOW: I hate when an man attacks people.
Oh, oh please help me please.
SPIKE: (laughs) Guess she's not gonna come aboard Ray's boat anymore.
XANDER: (as man) Go east, child, you're not wanted here.
Please I need to call the police.
Ray starts to get up.
On the boat, inside, hurry.
BUFFY: You two are impossible.
She runs onto the boat, the man leaves Ray on the ground and walks onto the boat too, he removes the anchor. Julie looks around and sees pictures of herslef and her three friends all over the place. The man walks in.
XANDER: (as man, pleasantly) Hello, I'll be your killer tonight. May I interest you in some torture and carnage as well as a killing?
You in some kind of trouble child?
Yes, yeah I'm in a lot of trouble.
The man flips a silver medallion that says "I Love You".
That's a shame, being it's forth of july and all. Kids like you should be out having fun, drinking, partying, running people over, getting away with murder, things like that.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Well, I was, and then this mean serial killer came and ruined all my fun! (pouts) Are you single?
A shocked look comes over Julies face, what is going on?
WILLOW: If the transcriber doesn't know, then there's no hope for us!
You? Ben Willis?
XANDER: (as Julie) Me Julie. Julie James. You no wifey?
Good, I see you've been doing your homework too.
WILLOW: (as Julie) I try, but it hurts my brain. All that one plus one equals three stuff just confuses me.
She runs out the door looking for somewhere to go. He follows her back and forth playing cat and mouse. Ray has gotten up, he is looking at the boat that has started drifting from shore. Julie finds a gun used to signal for help in case of emergancy,
XANDER: It's called a 'flare gun'. Go on, Transcriber, you can use big, confusing words.
he is steering the boat now and jives it sending the signal gun over the edge.
BUFFY: (singing) J-J-J-J-J-Jive talkin'.
They have a state-down then he comes after her.
WILLOW: They had a Colorado?
SPIKE: Apparently so. Then he came after her.
WILLOW: The only considerate man in the world, and he turns out to be a serial killer... well she can always use him for sex.
BUFFY: (laughs with shock) Will!
She crawls down a cubbyhole below deck that is covered by a mesh grate, she pulls down on it from below as he is trying to pull it open with his hook. Ray is now climbing over the side of the boat and comes face to face with Ben.
BUFFY: (as Ben) AHHHHHHH!
WILLOW: (as Ray) AHHHHHHH!
Welcome aboard Ray.
WILLOW: (as Ray) Thanks, Ben, that's mighty nice of you. I'm going to have to ask you to stop trying to kill my ex-girlfriend though, so if you could drop the hook and step away from her, I'd be mighty happy.
He moves his hook through the air tauntint Ray with it then starts swinging it at him.
WILLOW: (to Xander) I'm tauntint-ing you, Xander.
XANDER: (in a momotone) Stop it, stop it, please stop it.
Julie is below deck still looking for a way to get out, she clibs up a ladder and sees Ben and Ray fighting,
BUFFY: I clib quite often.
SPIKE: (leers) I'll bet you do.
BUFFY: You know, it is absolutely amazing how you can make everything sound dirty.
SPIKE: (shrugs modestly) It's a gift.
she screams to Ray, he turns his head and Ben hits him with his hook which sends him flying off the voat into the water,
WILLOW: He really shouldn't fly off voats... he could get hurt.
he is dragging along underwater holding onto a net. Julie runs down below again, Ben is following her, she shuts the door and blocks it with a oil drum.
Open the door Julie. You got no place to hide
XANDER: (as Ben) ...except down there, and any of the other numerous little hidey holes on the boat.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Oh! Ok, I'm coming out!
She is looking for somewhere to go, she opens up a shut door,
SPIKE: ...as you do.
XANDER: (to Spike) You do? I open already open doors. Sometimes I shut closed doors, but I never open a shut door.
it is hard to open so she uses her shirt,
SPIKE: (to Willow) Oh, hey, Red, that door forming on the wall looks like it'll be hard to open, better give me your shirt to use. You too, Slayer.
XANDER: (snorts in amusement)
she gets it open and ice spills out, she crawls in and starts pushing more ice down so Ben can't get in. She breaks apart a crate filled with ice, the body of Helen comes falling down with the ice, Julie screams and moves over and feels something, she moves her hand and Barrys frozen face and underneath of it, she screams again. Ray has made his way back onto the boat. Ben opens a trap door and he is looking down at Julie who screams in terror. Ray is watching what Ben does, waiting for the right moment to pounce.
WILLOW: (as Ray) Rowr! Pfft!
XANDER: (as Crocodile Hunter) ...and once again, our fearless hunter seeks his prey... the mighty Hook Fisherman. Oh, crikey! He's about ready to pounce, watch as he uses effiminate sounds and sudden movements to bring the fisherman down...
SPIKE: You're on your own again, Harris.
BUFFY: Oh, yeah, definitely on your own.
Ray then swings down a big hook attached to a rope which hits Ben in the face throwing him to the ground. Ray runs over and looks down at Julie.
BUFFY: He's ogling her, is what he's doing.
WILLOW: (as Ray) Hey, baby, what do you say we leave this joint behind and go somewhere private?
XANDER: She sees Ray, the non-killer of the two, and screams? His face must be frightening to behold.
expecting it to be Ben.
XANDER: Ah, ok, see she was expecting to see the killer, but when it turned out to be her beloved ex-boyfriend, she freaked.
Come on Julie.
SPIKE: (as usual, opens his mouth to comment)
WILLOW: (shakes her head slightly) We know. You don't actually have to say it... everyone is thinking the same thing.
He sticks his hand out and pulls her out of the ice pit. Ben jumps up, Julie screams, Ben knocks Ray to the ground.
Happy fourth of july Julie.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Thank you! That's so sweet of you. You know, people with manners are hard to find these days.
WILLOW: (as Ray) I know! I was just saying the same thing!
Please, it was an accident.
I know all about accidents and let me give you some advice, when you leave a man for dead, make sure he's really dead.
He then sticks his hand up in the air which is holding the hook, he is ready to slash Julie with it when all of the sudden his hand gets caught in a rope, Ray sees this and hits something which pulls Ben up into the air and hand gets chopped off in the pully, he falls halfway down again and the rope catches which then sends him flying off into the cold ocean.
EXT. - Wharf --- Julie and Ray and a bunch of police and doctors are around. Ray and Julie are hugging. The ordeal is over.
We never killed anyone, this whole year was fake.
XANDER: (as Ray) Um, no. The year was actually filled with real people, and real events, honey, it was only the one minor fact of a dead body that didn't happen. You're stupid.
I know. The guilt was killing me, I had to know who he was, that's why I went to see Missy. I'm sorry I didn't tell you but I wanted you back, I couldn't lose you again. I love you Julie. No one gets me the way you do.
I understand your pain.
SPIKE: (as Ray) Really? You do?
WILLOW: (as Julie) No. You're a complete moron to me.
The sheriff walks over.
BUFFY: ...does a dance for them, then leaves.
Do you have any idea why this man would want you dead?
WILLOW: (as Julie) You mean, aside from us having run over him? Aside from the attempted drowning? No.
Julie and Ray -
They have dragged the ocean and are pulling up what they have found.
Here it comes.
XANDER: Let's have a round of applause for the Operator. The Operator everybody.
All that is in the net is Bens hand with the hook still in it.
SPIKE: (as sheriff) It's a keeper.
Ah don't worry, the body will turn up, they usually do.
SPIKE: (as sheriff) ...except when they don't.
ONE YEAR LATER
EXT. - Julies College --- People are walking around outside.
WILLOW: (as random person) If I knew how to open a door, I'd go inside.
INT. - Womens locker room --- Julie is on the phone with Ray.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Um... Ray? Why are we on the phone? Shouldn't we stand on the floor instead?
Yeah well I made the deans list. Thank you very much. I know I miss you too but I'm going to see you in a couple weeks, god I can not wait, I love New York. No of course I love you more....Yes I do, I love you and you know that but you know
what? I've got to take a shower or I'm gonna be late.
SPIKE: That was an extremely sickening conversation.
XANDER: (shudders) I think I'm in insulin shock.
Julies roommate Deb is outside the showers.
WILLOW: ...peeking in at Julie, fantasizing about--
BUFFY: Willow! Spike's definitely a bad influence on you.
Hey Julie you got some mail.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Ooo! My Playgirl finally came. Gotta go, Ray!
Oh thanks Deb.
Back to the phone
...A towel. Ray don't you start with me, you mister can ravage me in two weeks. Yes I love you too. Okay bye.
She hangs up the phone and goes out to get her mail, a look of terror crosses her face, a plain envelope with her name written on it in bold letters. She looks around then opens the letter that says "KBR POOL PARTY" She smiles and goes back to the showers, walking through the steam she sees written on the
shower door "I STILL KNOW". She looks around and sees nothing, she turns back to the shower door and something black jumps out at her.
ALL: YAY! O_O YAY!
All four of them jumped to their feet and dove at the door. Xander was the one who grabbed the doorknob and shoved the door open. A long white hall stretched to the left of them, and a small niche was to their right. Four doors lined the hall, two on each side. They cautiously approached them, having nowhere else to go.
Each of them stopped in front of a door, pausing before taking that final step.
"Well," Xander said nervously, "only one way to find out."
"Yep," Willow agreed, making no move to open her door. "If there's a way out, it's behind one of these doors."
Spike had no compunctions with opening his door. Neither did Buffy.
"Bedroom," Buffy told them, shoving her door all the way open for them to see. They turned to Spike, hope fading the tiniest bit.
"Bedroom." He, too, pushed his door open completely. Now all that was left was Xander and Willow's doors. Without further suspense, they shared a shrug and shoved them open.
"Bedroom," they said together.
"Bloody f'in christ," Spike swore, fury practically rolling off of him in waves, "I'm stuck here. I'm stuck in a makeshift house with three *kids* I can't stand." His furious eyes turned to Xander, causing him to shrink back against the wall. "You're the reason we're here, you stupid--"
Buffy rushed Spike before he could make a move against any of them, while Willow grabbed Xander's arm, yanking him out of harm's way.
"Touch him, or any of us, Spike, the chip goes off, and we have fun watching you writhe on the floor in pain. So back off." Buffy shoved him against the wall for emphasis, and crossed her arms over her chest, waiting. "What's it gonna be, Spike?"
"A door," Xander shouted, running down the hall the way they'd come. All eyes turned to the new arrival, before they ran to join Xander. He stood nervously in front of the door, not wanting to take away their last hope for freedom.
Willow, unable to stand it any longer, reached out to open the door, and breathed a tremendous sigh of relief. It was a beautiful afternoon out today. She laughed in sheer delight, grinning at the others. "We're free. It goes outside."
"Oh thank God," Xander sighed, casting an angry glance behind him at Spike. "After you, Spike, you're so anxious to be rid of us, feel free to be the first one out the door into that nice bright sunshine."
Spike snarled at Xander, shoving him through the door. His snarl turned to laughter when Xander hit the doorframe and bounced back. "Moron."
Xander scarcely paid him any attention. "We can't get out," he whispered, holding his hand against an invisible barrier in the doorway. "We can't get out," he said louder.
They tried everything they could think of, but the barrier remained intact, while their patience and self-control went out the window... if there'd been a window. Spike tried to hit Xander, and ended up on the floor writhing in pain, as Buffy had warned him. Xander, feeling guilty for stranding them there, let Spike get close enough to hit him, then stayed collapsed on the floor. Willow stayed quiet, running through every spell she knew, and tried to think up new ones, but she had no way to implement them... she had no supplies. Buffy was yelling at Spike, as usual, treating him like the piece of crap she obviously thought he was.
Finally, Willow had had enough. "Stop it," she yelled. "For God's sake, this isn't helping!" All arguments stopped, as did Xander's self-blaming mutterings. They stared at her, well, Xander and Buffy stared, Spike did more glaring than staring.
"And what do you suggest?" Spike sneered, climbing to his feet with a groan. "We should sit idly by and wait for whoever, or whatever is keeping us here, to let us out? Huh? Should we simply go to our rooms, and wait?"
"Yes," Buffy answered for Willow. "That's actually an excellent idea. We're too worked up right now to do ourselves any good... maybe if we spent some time alone, without all the yelling and fighting, we could come up with a way out of here."
"It's possible," Willow agreed. "I can't get any thinking done as it stands. And I'm tired. I'm sure we all are... so why don't we go to bed, and see what happens? Maybe it'll let us out during the night?"
"Yeah, right," Spike said sarcastically. "That'll happen." He shook his head and lit a cigarette. "Anything to get away from you all." He gave them all a false smile and a two-fingered wave. "Ta-ta." He disappeared inside the room he'd opened earlier, and slammed the door shut.
The others shared a grim look, and disappeared inside their own rooms. Willow noted that her room was suited well to her tastes... what had Buffy said about the pizza earlier? "Made to order." Not only that, but there was a door between her room and the one next door. She sat on the bed with a gulp, considering switching rooms with Buffy or Xander, but decided against it. Spike was chipped. He couldn't hurt her. Right?
A/N: End. I had this all as one big, long story, but was told it was too long, which it is, so I'm breaking it into chapters. Nothing new added, except this message, April, 4, 2002.
Reviews would be cool. They let me know if I should do more, or not give up my day job.