|Project H: Eclipse
Author: Project H PM
A direct parody of the third Twilight movieRated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 7,496 - Reviews: 36 - Favs: 22 - Follows: 9 - Updated: 07-17-11 - Published: 05-22-11 - id: 7011893
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Project H: Eclipse
By Project H
Edward: Oh no! What is this human disease? Are you hungry, Bella? Thirsty? Gassy? Are you gassy, Bella?
Jacob: She's cold
Edward: But I gave her that mitten. What else could I possibly do? Should we feed her grass?
Jacob: That's for sick cats
Edward: Pour white wine on her?
Jacob: That's for removing red wine stains
Edward: Maybe you should get naked and crawl in bed with her
Jacob: Not that's- YES PLEASE!
*Several awkward hours later*
Edward:...and that's how me hiding from the war by dressing as a woman led to the story of Anne Frank
Jacob: Fascinating *Stares at Bella*
Edward: Can you please keep your thoughts to yourself?
Jacob: I kind of am since they're inside my head. And what's with you picking my brain, but not letting me into yours?
Edward: You wouldn't like my brain. It's full of things you don't like, like vampires, Bella's true feelings, and dudes with their shirts on
Jacob: What would you do if Bella chose me?
Edward: I'd handle it well
Jacob: Oh please. She was going to pick me first for her kickball team until you threatened to kill yourself. If you'd just stayed away for another 6 months, I could have made her happy
Edward: Oh OK. So instead of attempting to kill myself, which I did, you'd have preferred I just hold on another six months and come back to steal Bella away just as you finally think you've won her over? I'll make a note of that for next time
Jacob: You have to consider that I might be better for her than you are
Edward: I have considered that. You can give her a life, a human life, but it would be a human life with Jacob Black, and that would be far worse than death. I'm not going to force her into anything ever again. That'll be a huge change in our relationship, but we'll work through it
Jacob: When you thought she was gone...that you'd lost her...how did that feel?
Edward: How did it feel to think I could never be with her? You tell me. Burn! But you know, in a world without Bella, I might actually like you
Jacob: In a world without Bella, I'd be trapped in the half-naked Mod Squad regardless and you'd still be a creepy high school loner suppressing the desire to murder all your classmates
Edward: Yeah...I miss my old life
Bella: Sorry about last night
Edward: It wasn't in my top 10 favourite evenings
Bella: You have a list?
Edward: The nights I spent with you. And also that one night I found the broken vending machine. I got so much Twix
Bella: And the night I said I'd marry you?
Edward: The what?
Bella: The night I said I'd marry you
Edward: Didn't catch that
Bella: The night I said I'd marry you!
Edward: Little louder
Bella: THE NIGHT I SAID I'D MARRY YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU MORE THAN JACOB!
Edward: Oh dear, Jacob heard
Jacob: *Runs off*
Jacob: I'm just gonna go out there and kill something
Bella: Wow...that is so hot
Jacob: Or maybe I'll get myself killed
Bella: Then I'd better tap that while I've got the chance. Kiss me
Jacob: Well OK *Kisses Bella*
*3 hours later*
Bella and Jacob: *Finish kissing*
Bella: OK, you can go die now
Jacob: Cheers *Leaves*
Edward: You love him
Bella: I love you more
Edward: Well that's good enough for me. Kiss as many guys as you want
Dirk: I need to use the bathroom
Riley: Not now!
Victoria: Wait, you guys have wolves? No fair. Captains choose new teams
Jasper: Sweet. We'll take Riley
Victoria: We'll take Bella. And we surrender the rest of our picks
Jasper: Deal. No wait-
Victoria: No trade backs! Hang on...Bella's not even here. Dammit *Runs off*
All present parties: *FIGHT*
Emmett: Emmett Cullen here providing commentary for today's big fight, and it really is a beautiful day to massacre the young. Joining me for special comments, Bree Tanner
Bree: I'm scared and I want to go home
Emmett: Thanks for that insight, Bree
Riley: *Saunters into view*
Edward: Riley, listen to me. Victoria is just using you to distract me, what with your sexy walk and bedroom eyes. She knows I'll kill you by ripping off your muscled arms and gorgeous head
Victoria: I warned you of their mind tricks, Riley. They're pulling one right now to make us think someone could be in love with that Bella thing
Edward: She only created you and this army to avenge her true mate, James. She doesn't care about you
Victoria: Oh come on Riley, how could raising a bloodthirsty army to avenge the death of my ex-boyfriend be anything other than true love?
Bella: Wow. Their relationship is even screwier than ours
Edward: No talking
Emmett: Well you'd give the edge to the Cullens due to the home field advantage, but the Newborns are an excellent travelling team having already notched up several away-from-home victories recently against Forks Steelworks and a local kindergarten. Bree?
Bree: I can still feel the burning!
Emmett: Thanks Bree
*Back at the tent*
Bella: Oh no, I need to help! *Grabs sharp rock to cut self* Actually, that's just dumb. Hey Victoria, you suck!
Victoria: *Turns around* What? No, you suck!
Edward: *Kills Victoria*
Victoria: *Is remarkably flammable*
Seth: *Eats Riley* Mmm, nothing tastes better after a long battle than a nice, cold Biers
Emmett: Well it looks like a victory for the Cullens and wolves. Just a quick injury summary before we go; Alice pulled a hamstring, badly broken ribs for Jacob, and the Newborns are all dead. Hard to imagine how they'll come back from that one. Any closing words, Bree?
Bree: THEY'RE GOING TO KILL ME!
Emmett: Ahaha, oh Bree, you're one of a kind
Alec: It appears we missed an entertaining fight
Jane: It's not often we're rendered unnecessary
Edward: We were getting sick of foreigners taking jobs away from good, hard-working American vampires. I hate when murder gets outsourced
Jane: You missed one
Carlisle: We offered Bree asylum in exchange for her surrender. We'll make her a part of this family and find her a brother she can marry. She'll fit in great
Jane: That sounds lovely. Felix, kill her
Jane: The Volturi don't give second chances
Dirk: Not even to me?
Jane: Especially not to you, Dirk. Especially not to you
Jane: And Caius will be interested to know that she's still human
Bella: The date has been set. We'll get married, and then Edward will tear into my neck and drain me of my last breath
Jane: I'll try to remember to send a gift. I guess we'll leave then
Demetri: Uh, Jane, aren't you forgetting something?
Jane: Oh yes, where are my manners? *Tortures everyone*
Bella: Bad news Jake, Carlisle says we'll have to put you down
Jacob: Oh ha ha
Bella: Don't worry, I'm just ribbing you. How are you feeling?
Jacob: On top of the world. Was Edward mad?
Bella: Because I kissed someone else? Why would he be? Our entire relationship is built on deception
Jacob: He's better than I thought
Bella: He's not playing a game. I mean, seriously, a game where the prize for winning is me? Everyone would forfeit before the game even began
Jacob: He's not as perfect as you think
Bella: If the man who abandoned me and left me at the mercy of a psychotic killer isn't perfect, than I don't know what to think
Jacob: Well at least I know I did everything I could
Bella: You could have tried demonstrating that you could be mature and responsible rather than play with my emotions and constantly take advantage of me
Bella: Should I come back?
Jacob: I need some time. But I'll always be waiting
Bella: Well of course. You're hardly going to run off to pick up chicks when half your body is broken
Jacob: You know what I mean
Bella: Yeah. Until my heart stops beating
Jacob: Maybe even then. Because I think if this crazy vampire love-triangle has taught us anything, it's that dead people can be hot too
Edward: I want to know why you're doing this. You're trying to make everyone else happy
Bella: Are you kidding? Everyone's been miserable since I got here. And I'm not thinking about them – I'm all about Isabella Swan right now
Bella: Don't you see? I never felt normal. Because I wasn't normal. I was a confused teenage girl with no direction in my life. There wouldn't have been anyone else like that in the world. So I did the only smart thing a girl in my position could do – I surrendered myself entirely to a strange boy. Someone who could control me and dictate my life, all because I thought he was cute. I've seen so much death and loss and pain in your world, and I couldn't be having more fun. Because I thought I was the only irritating, ignorant, personality-less person on this Earth, until I met you. And I knew right away we were perfect for each other. Your world is my world too, and I finally realise that my true place in this world is alongside lifeless cannibals who only come out when it's dark. And if I explain it like that to Charlie, I'm sure he'll understand
Edward: What's not to get?
Half-eaten Riley: Mum, Dad, I'm back
Mr Biers: And what sort of time do you call this? A boy your age should not be staying out until late-June
Mrs Biers: But we're glad you're OK, so all is forgiven
Riley: Aww, I love you guys
Jasper: *Punches Riley* Welcome home!
Author's Note: A huge thanks to everyone who read, reviewed or favourited this story (and according to spell check 'favourited' is not a word, but I'm such a rebel I will use it anyway). Currently working on Deathly Hallows Part 1, though it seems a little pointless now as the second movie is already here. That one is still quite a while off though so for the time being, I hope Eclipse has been suitably amusing for you.
See you for Project H and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1!