|Give Me Strength
Author: xSlythStratasfaction PM
It's just a week before Regionals and Blaine is just now coming to terms with his feelings towards Kurt. Does he have the courage to tell Kurt? And does Kurt still like him like that? Companion piece to SYNMTC. Can be read separately too!Rated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Angst - Kurt H. & Blaine A. - Chapters: 12 - Words: 40,847 - Reviews: 98 - Favs: 90 - Follows: 171 - Updated: 04-29-12 - Published: 05-27-11 - id: 7025537
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Glee, nor am I associated with it, the cast and crew, or RIB and the other writers.
Give Me Strength
Pairing: Kurt x Blaine
**TRIGGER WARNING: Contains the discussion of slight sexual situations in which consent was not exactly received (dub-con?), as well as mentions being drugged thus leading to such situation. If you know the proper way to label this TW please inform me as I am very confused over which labels to use. Thank you.
Warbler practice had ended. Everyone was headed back to their dorms or to their cars for a few hours of rest before dinner time; everyone except for Blaine and Kurt, who just so happened to be navigating the halls to Blaine's room for an evening of intense conversation.
Well, intense for Blaine. Not so much for Kurt.
Blaine knew this conversation was going to come up sooner or later. The sex talk he had initiated with Burt wasn't going to stay hidden forever and to be honest, he was a little bit surprised it had been in the dark for so long. Frowning due to his thoughts, Blaine unlocked his dorm room door and stepped inside, Kurt following close behind; their fingers still laced together.
"Would you like something to drink? I'm a bit thirsty from all that singing."
Kurt shed his blazer and tie, unbuttoning a few of his buttons as he went. He rolled his sleeves up as he took a seat on Blaine's bed, "Sure. I would love water if you have any."
Blaine swiped two bottles of water from his mini-fridge and held one out to Kurt, gulping slightly as he took in how sexy his boyfriend actually looked with his blazer off and shirt unbuttoned. "I'm so sorry," he croaked, earning raised eyebrows from Kurt.
"Sorry for what?"
"For saying your sexy faces looked like gas pains. God, I was so wrong."
Kurt's brows furrowed, "What brought this on?"
"Everything. You. This. Just all of it. You're gorgeous, Kurt. You don't need to do anything to be sexy. I just- I just thought you should know that," Blaine stepped away from the bed, his cheeks reddening in embarrassment. "Sorry if I overstepped my boundaries." He knew he had to have flustered Kurt a little bit because his boyfriend was flushed pink, fingers awkwardly playing with his water bottle.
"No, no. It's fine. I'm just… shocked? No one's ever really said something like that to me before. Well, a guy, I mean."
Blaine bit his lip, "You're gorgeous. Just stunning. I've always thought you were handsome; I'm just sorry I didn't say it sooner."
"Thank you," Kurt whispered. He continued toying with his water, "You're very handsome yourself, Blaine. I was smitten the minute I saw you."
"Smitten?" The shorter boy teased, a smile spreading across his face.
"Shut up, I'm trying to be sappy here!" Kurt laughed, casting aside his water bottle in favor of a pillow that he quickly tossed at Blaine's head. Both boys shook with laughter when the pillow smacked Blaine straight on in the face. As soon as they both calmed, Blaine removed his own blazer and tie, sliding off his shoes and kicking them under the bed.
"I really don't want to do this."
"Do what? Talk?" He frowned when Blaine nodded in response, "…why?"
"You're gonna hate my guts after this."
Hearing that caused Kurt's insides to freeze up. He wasn't sure what exactly what Blaine was talking about, but it didn't sound fun or very good to him. He kicked his own forgotten shoes off and then tugged himself up higher on the bed, sitting Indian style as he watched Blaine pace the length of the room. "Is it gonna be bad?"
"Maybe? Maybe not? I don't know yet."
"Well, then perhaps you should start soon. I think I'm going to have an anxiety attack from all the bad things that are trying to run through my head."
Blaine nodded, tucking his arms behind his back as he paced, "Okay well, I'll start off with this… you weren't my first kiss."
"So Rachel wa-"
"Rachel wasn't my first kiss either."
Blaine was sure the one thing he hated most than being ignored by his parents was being paraded around by them like he was their greatest joy whenever they needed him.
After he came out, things were rough in the Anderson household.
His parents barely spoke to him. His mother would say a few things to him whenever his father wasn't around, but as soon as William Anderson set foot in their presence, Blaine was to be seen and not heard. However, when there were important business dinners and such to attend, Blaine was supposed to be the perfect son, the perfect false image of himself. Usually, if his older brother Cooper was around, Blaine was free from dealing with such fake love; this time though, with Cooper off in Los Angeles trying to make a name for himself, Blaine was stuck driving with his parents to Nashville, Tennessee for some sort of conference his dad had to attend for work.
"You keep to yourself, Blaine Christopher. I don't want to hear anything from my co-workers about your predicament, you understand me?"
"You mean about the fact that I'm gay, dad?" Blaine muttered, crossing his arms over his chest as he slumped in the backseat.
"Don't you dare start with me, Blaine," his father hissed as his fingers clutched the steering wheel. His mother leaned over and placed a calming hand on her husband's, "Don't overwork yourself, William. We still have to check into the hotel and meet the Rowes at the mixer."
Blaine watched his father roll his eyes and soon decided to close his own eyes until they got to the hotel. Hours later, he was roughly shaken awake and practically dragged from the car into the large resort; his mother and father flanking him as they checked in.
"Tonight, you're going to smile and be polite and I'd better not see you look at one boy at dinner or else," his father warned as Blaine fixed his bowtie and double checked himself in the mirror. "You hear me, Blaine?"
"Yes, sir," Blaine muttered quietly, stepping away from the mirror to take a seat on the bed. He hated being paraded around at these stupid parties more than anything in the world and most of all, he hated how fake his parents were in front of company.
"This is our son, Blaine. He's growing up to be such a handsome young gentleman," Maria preened, one hand on Blaine's elbow as she took him from person to person. Occasionally, she would introduce him to a girl or two; his father introduced him to more than a couple. By the end of the night, Blaine had a handful of phone numbers from different girls.
He tossed them in the trash on the way back to his room.
"I don't understand."
"I haven't gotten to it yet."
If Blaine would've had his way, he would've spent the rest of the weekend locked away in his hotel room with his books and his iPod, doing what he did best: ignoring the world.
Instead, he fought with his father and found himself being forced to go downstairs and spend time at the teen mixer – some stupid thing the hotel had for any visiting business party's teenage children. Blaine was forced to dress up and look cute (in order to impress the girls, his father had insisted) and was sent downstairs to the ballrooms to mingle with people he'd probably never see again.
It was a night that Blaine would never forget.
"You met someone at this mixer? That's not that bad, I mean-"
"It's not that simple, Kurt. It's… really complicated."
The night was going off in the worst way.
Girls flocked to Blaine, completely enamored by his dark, curly hair and large hazel eyes. He was growing into his body rather well according to his mother and it seemed to be something that plenty of these unknown, random girls enjoyed very much. All evening, Blaine batted away handsy girls, shrugging off their persistent touches and overly flirty gestures. By the end of the first hour, he was exhausted from the fight and found himself leaning against the snack table, eyes darting around the room as he sipped on a cup of punch.
"You hiding out here too?" A voice spoke up behind him. Blaine jumped, the years of being bullied making him super tense when it came to registering random noises. He turned around and blushed when he caught the eye of a tall, muscular guy; the boy was leaning on the opposite side of the table, seemingly pouring his own cup of punch as he watched Blaine with dark brown, almost black eyes.
"Yeah," Blaine gulped, cursing his voice for cracking around such an attractive guy. "Some of these girls don't know how to leave it alone."
"I know that feeling," the guy said, sipping his punch. He pulled the cup away from his thin lips and raised an eyebrow at Blaine. "Are you gay?"
Blaine blanched; he had no idea that he was giving any indication that he liked boys – his dad was going to kill him, "Umm no. Why?"
"Oh, well then, that's a shame."
"Yep, I was hoping you played for my team."
And with those words, Blaine's heart almost shot out of his chest. He clutched his cup with shaky fingers, eyes wandering down to the punch bowl before he decided to return his new acquaintance's gaze. "I lied."
"I- I am gay. I just- nobody around here knows."
"Well, I do."
"Yeah, now you do. No one else can though. Please don't tell anyone!"
The guy laughed, "It's not my place to out anyone." He stirred the punch a bit more and looked back up to smirk at Blaine, "Care for more punch? How about I refill ya and we go somewhere quiet to talk?"
Blaine nodded shakily, handing his cup over to the boy as he directed his gaze back to the dance floor, silently praying that no one else in the room had heard him admit his sexuality.
"You gave that guy your cup and you didn't watch him refill it?"
"It was a stupid mistake."
Kurt frowned, his gaze on the floor as he gnawed on his lip. "You don't remember your first kiss very well, do you?"
"I- I… like I said before, it's complicated."
Blaine didn't remember how many glasses of punch he had throughout the evening, but what he did remember was being pressed down against the couch, two large hands tight on his hips as someone pressed their lips up against his jawline and moaned against his Adam's apple.
"Shh, let me take care of you."
"I- I don't even know your name," he whimpered, feeling the unknown guy's hands curl tighter on his hipbones. A gasp slipped from his lips when he felt the person on top of him grind his hips down; the guy was obviously turned on. "Please-"
"Call me Vince. Now shush, we don't want anyone hearing us, now do we?"
"Do you want your secret to get out?" Another kiss on the neck. "No? …didn't think so."
Blaine closed his eyes. Everything was spinning behind his closed eyelids even though it was dark. He could hear the bass booming on the other side of the wall; the sounds of laughing, happy teenagers just a few feet away from him as this stranger placed hot, wet kisses on his collarbones. He couldn't figure out how this happened or why it was happening – one minute, he was sipping his punch, the next he was lying back on the couch with this guy laying on top of him. It all just happened so fast.
And then Vince kissed him.
It was sloppy and rough, the guy's lips chapped and still slick with saliva from the slobbery, open-mouthed kisses he had been leaving on Blaine's neck. Blaine whined as Vince tried to slip his tongue in his mouth.
"Oh, but why? We're having so much fun."
"I can't do this. I've never-"
"You're a virgin then?"
Blaine nodded, weakly pushing the persistent boy's shoulders as he struggled to roll out from where he was pinned, "I've never- I- that was my first kiss." And it was awful and nothing like it had been in the movies. Just the leftover taste of Vince's mouth on his own made Blaine want to throw up on himself. He choked back a gag and blinked, praying that the tightness building behind his eyes wouldn't spill out.
The guy smirked, leaning in closer as he pressed another kiss to Blaine's mouth, "Well, I'm honored you let me be your first."
"What? No, I don't-"
He was silenced by lips against his own and he squirmed, whimpering when his abdomen brushed up against what felt like an erection. Vince moaned, the vibrations of his loud vocals tickling Blaine's lips and jaw in the most horrible way possible. "Stop," he pleaded softly, his head throbbing from the too loud music and overstimulation his body was receiving. He yanked his head away from Vince's, everything in his sight swimming as he struggled to keep consciousness. He blinked slowly, groaning when he heard the guy's voice grow tight and sharp.
"Fuck," Vince gasped out and then he fell limp against Blaine's exhausted body. Blaine could feel every single bit of his weight on him and he cried out, shoving the spent figure off of him as he also rolled to the floor.
This random creep had just gotten off on top of him… and he didn't want it at all.
It wasn't supposed to go this way.
He threw up on the floor.
"Oh my God, Blaine-"
"I didn't want any of that, you have to believe me. I just- he slipped something into my drink when I wasn't looking and I was so disoriented the entire night. By- by the time he was done, I was so sick from what he gave me that I just kept on throwing up. He ended up carrying me back to my room and left me outside the door."
"Did he- did he do anything else?"
"Luckily no. He just dropped me there and left. I got up, let myself into the room, and climbed into bed." Blaine paused to wipe some tears from his eyes before he went back to pacing again, "By the time my parents came back, I was out like a light and my dad attributed it to having too much fun at the party."
"So they had no idea that you-"
"No. I've never told them either. It's better that way, you know?"
"But Blaine, that guy slipped you something! He tried to take advantage of you! He did take advantage of you!"
"Don't you think I know that?" Blaine erupted, throwing his hands into the air. "I went from only remembering bits and pieces of the night to remembering quite a lot. I was so disgusted with myself that I shut down for the rest of the trip… and then- and then something happened on my last night there."
Blaine laid on the bed, a place he had been occupying for days now, ever since that strange night at the ballrooms.
Other than attending the mandatory meals his parents made him go to, he didn't do much else. He just laid on his bed and stared at the wall, horrified that he had gotten his first kiss in such an awful way. His parents went on their merry old way, schmoozing and what not with his dad's business partners. It wasn't until later that evening when his mom slipped into the room with a card that Blaine felt his world slip out from under him for a moment.
"One of the girls downstairs said to give this to you. Said she had a great time the other night," his mom said with a grin, handing him the card before she slipped back out of the room.
Blaine held the envelope in his hands, eyes cautiously studying the writing on the outside. It was pretty and loopy, possibly a girl's like his mom said. He slid his finger under the seal and pried it open, gasping when a $100 bill slipped out of the card.
He almost threw up on himself when he opened the card and saw that it read:
|Had a wonderful time the other night.
|Shame I couldn't see you before we left.
|Too bad, right?
|Oh well, I felt bad about taking your first kiss, so I thought I'd reimburse you.
|Buy yourself something nice.
He tossed the card aside like it had been fire that burnt him. Tears welled in his eyes as the words inside it replayed over and over again in his memory. He felt like a prostitute, having been given payment for services rendered. Just the thought ripped him in half and he burst into loud sobs, large, hot tears streaming down his cheeks as he cried. He cried for his failure of a first kiss, the hurt he felt from being used, and the shame he held from all the shit that had just happened to him. He also cried because he knew no one would give to shits about him if he told – he was just that gay kid or that shy, quiet, possibly straight Anderson boy who charmed the pants off of everyone.
And it hurt.
Still crying, Blaine climbed off of the bed and ran across the room to the mirror, tearing off the envelope left behind by housekeeping and slipping the $100 inside of it. He didn't want it; it was tainted money, so he hoped that the nice lady who had been by cleaning their hotel room could do something with it.
As soon as he tucked the money away, he ran into the bathroom and took a scorching shower, allowing his tears to mix in with the scalding water as he sobbed and sobbed.
Blaine leaned up against the wall, not once daring to turn around and see his boyfriend's facial expression after what he told him. Curling his arms around himself, he took in a deep breath and sighed.
"It's in the past. I've gotten over it, so I'm fine-"
"I'm fine, Kurt. I promise." He turned around and found himself staring into watery blue eyes. Kurt was looking at him like he was anything but fine. "Kurt, please."
Kurt slid off of the bed and walked across the room towards him, opening his arms as he curled his body around Blaine's, "I'm glad you told me this. I'm so, so sorry that you had to endure that."
"I'm sorry you had to endure what happened with Karofsky." He flinched when he felt Kurt freeze up against him, but it was only temporary as Kurt pulled back and held his shoulders as he stared down at him.
"We have the worst luck, don't we?"
"I wouldn't exactly call it luck," Blaine chuckled softly, leaning forward to press his lips to Kurt's. Kurt kissed him back gently and then pulled away, leaning his forehead against Blaine's.
"If it matters, our kiss was my first real kiss that counted. I don't count the other ones."
"Me neither. You're my first kiss as well."
Kurt smiled and rubbed Blaine's shoulders. "Good. We were each other's first kisses that counted. I'm glad."
Both boys stood in silence, each just taking the opportunity to enjoy the other's presence. After things finally felt composed and right, Blaine took Kurt's elbows in his hands and looked up into his boyfriend's eyes. "The reason I told you that story about what happened to me is because I was the one who told your dad to have that sex talk with you."
Blaine inwardly sighed in relief when he realized that Kurt didn't sound mad at him at all, "Yeah. You had just kicked me out after I tried to talk to you about sex and I was scared. I was terrified that something like what happened to me would happen to you if no one was able to get through to you in time and god, you have to believe me when I say that I'm sorry I overstepped my boundaries and went to your dad because I had no right and-"
"-you should've been the one to go to him, not me. I completely betrayed your trust and god, why are you even dating me? I'm awful. I just-"
"I'm not mad at you. God, I can't even imagine how scared you must've been talking to my dad like that. But I'm glad you did. I'm definitely not comfortable with- uh… you know, but I know a lot more about it now than I did a few weeks ago and I'm sorry that my ignorance scared you so much. I-"
"Don't apologize. Please Kurt, just don't. It wasn't your fault at all that I thought about that night. I just didn't want you to have a similar experience, that's all. I just wanted you to have it easier than I did. I went from not knowing much about sex," he watched Kurt cringe a bit, "too needing to know more to protect myself. First I thought I was going to be so disgusted that I would never think of kissing anyone ever again, but then I realized that I needed to educate myself. I needed to understand things better to maybe protect myself from any future incidents. I looked up sexual stuff, I looked up different party drugs, and I even looked up ways to protect yourself at parties. I just needed to know this stuff, you know? Because I was scared it would happen again."
"And that's why I went to your dad. Because I knew he would talk to you and get through to you. I had to find out all of my information on my own. My parents have never talked to me about anything; I had to find out the basics from the internet and sex education classes at my old school. Dalton doesn't provide sex ed. And I don't know if McKinley does or ever did, but I just needed to discuss it with your dad for your sake. I was only looking out for you, I promise. No ulterior motives or anything." He twiddled his thumbs, looking up into Kurt's eyes for reassurance. He was met with a kiss instead.
"I understand. Thank you, Blaine."
"I- you're welcome, I guess. Thank you for listening."
Kurt smiled, tugging Blaine closer to his body. He held the smaller boy flush against him and began to hum, smiling when he felt Blaine relax against him. "We have a few hours until I'm supposed to go home. Do you want to watch a movie or work on homework or something?"
"Can we watch a movie? I'm too exhausted for homework."
Kurt nodded and pulled away, picking a movie from Blaine's collection and settling down on the bed. Blaine settled next to him, their bodies close as the relished in each other's company – Kurt happy that his boyfriend was able to release another tidbit about his past to him and Blaine happy that Kurt was not mad at him for the sex talk he had with Burt.
A/N: Long author's note ahead!
The entire party situation was something that had been swimming around in my head for quite a while. I know there are other people out there who have had similar headcanons, so this definitely isn't anything unique or special, but it is my take on the reason why I think Blaine went to Burt with that story about Kurt possibly getting drunk at a party and getting into trouble. I also threw in the money thing because the entire time I was writing this, my mind was screaming at me about that time Blaine went psycho on Sam before Sectionals and said, "I'm not for sale!" My headcanon ended up being that Blaine dealt with this incident with that Vince guy, felt awful afterwards, and after Sam came back and tried to make everything sexual, it just brought back all those awful feelings he had (especially since he and Kurt had just started having sex by that episode).
Now, I don't think I could ever explain why Blaine decided that the Warblers needed to be sexified in that Sexy episode, but was angry about Sam's suggestions - but a part of me does think Finn's approval of Sam's ideas sent Blaine off of the deep end as well and that's why he flipped. So yeah… that's just what I think.
Anyways, so Blaine got his first kiss thanks to some asshole (I'm gonna go ahead and say that this happened before his sophomore year, before Sadie Hawkins – because I am a firm believer that Kurt and Blaine are actually supposed to be in the same grade, but Blaine got held back because of his SH injuries) and later on in the show, the car incident at Scandals happens and Blaine is absolutely mortified over the way he acted and he can't help but beat himself to death over it (thinking about maybe writing a story for that… hmm) and la di da. So there you have it, my headcanon for a part of Blaine's life.
Stay tuned for the next chapter. Regionals is coming up, as well as that freaking forgotten convo about Kurt's jealousy during Misery that I somehow keep forgetting to write about. Sorry for the long A/N and please review! :]