Magpie's Misery

The tiny human was the spawn of Satan, I silently fumed, watching as Arabella Rossi happily chased the mangy beast's tail across the room. It made since in an odd way, I supposed, flicking my paw against my ear After all, I thought, shooting a long-suffering look at the beautiful blonde woman laughing in the recliner at the tiny human's antics, it made sense. Mummy had mated the Devil Incarnate.

And produced a demon.

Watching warily as Mummy walked out of the room, I saw the child turn toward me…and I barely resisted the urge to dart under the sofa.

Why couldn't this plague simply forget I existed, I asked myself as she approached, her chubby hand extended.

"Bare fang at that kid and I swear I'll gnaw off your Shitty Kitty tail," Mudgie growled from the other side of the room.

"Then distract it," I immediately replied, my tail twitching as the child...Arabella, they called her…drew closer to me. "You're well aware that I do not enjoy being touched," I meowed obstinately, rising up to my full height.

"Pretty 'itty," the tiny human cooed to me.

Well, of course I was! Perhaps the child did have a modicum of taste, after all. She did have half of Mummy's gene pool.

"The kid definitely needs glasses," Mudgie snorted from the corner, his brown eyes never wavering from me. I wasn't sure what he expected me to do. It wasn't as if I had any way to defend myself. No claws. Not any more. None at all! I was a sitting duck...and I hated ducks almost as much as dogs.

"I getcha!" Arabella called out gleefully, wriggling her pudgy fingers with her outstretched hands.

Yowling balefully as the toddler's sticky fingers buried in my soft fur, I wriggled in her sturdy arms. Oh, the humanity! Heart sinking as I heard Mudgie's amused bark, I glared over the tiny human's shoulder. "You COULD help me here," I hissed in defeat.

"Pretty itty needs a baff," Arabella declared decisively, burying her nose in Magpie's fur.

"NO, no I don't," I meowed frantically, my feline heart pittering in my chest. "My hygiene is perfection! I washed just this morning! Tell her, Mudgie! I demand you tell her, you canine hellhound!" I meowed imperiously as the tiny human trudged toward the stairs, her firm little arms wrapped solidly around my struggling body.

"Oh, this is just too good to miss," Mudgie panted excitedly, trotting behind us, his obscene tail wagging in our wake.

Mewing helplessly as the infuriating child squeezed me against her chest, I was fairly certain I felt a rib crack. "Listen, you canine cur, I swear on a stack of catnip that if you don't help me, you'll be tasting hairballs in your kibble from now until the end of creation!"

Pausing at the bathroom door, Mudgie's eyes gleamed as he yapped, "Worth it, Shitty Kitty! So worth it," he barked eagerly, dancing around Ari's legs as the toddler bent to turn on the water faucet in the sink.

"You be sooo pwetty, 'ittle 'itty," Ari promised eagerly. Grabbing the hand soap as she kept one hand on the resistant cat, she liberally doused me with the yellow liquid soap before turning on the water.

"Noooooooo!" I heard myself shriek as the frigid water landed against her back. "C-c-cold!" I wailed as I felt myself drowning. "Hellllllppppp!"

"She's melting! She's melting," goaded Mudgie, hopping up on the sink to lick my hissing face happily. "Ding Dong! That cat is wet! Which old kitty? That Shitty Kitty!"

"I hate you," I hissed as the tiny human's less than gentle hand scrubbed. Hadn't Mummy taught this child the necessity of a delicate beauty routine?

"My pwetty 'itty," Ari sang happily. "You soooo wet," she frowned down at me.

Glaring up at the tiny human with the dark hair so much like the Devil's it was chilling...as if that were any more possible than I was right now...I decided bitterly then and there that I was definitely not looking at a future Nobel Prize recipient. Somehow, someway, Mummy's genes had been dominated by that evil father of the canine fiend barking animatedly.

"We gots to getcha fuffy a'gin," she nodded knowingly, looking around the large bathroom and eyeing the dryer in the corner.

"No!" I meowed, feeling panic crawling up my soggy neck. "Oh, no, no, no," I mewed, struggling again as that demon's strong arms surrounded me. Death by dryer was so not how I wanted to expend one of my nine lives! "Mudgie, help!" I yowled, shamelessly groveling, well aware of the life at stake…mine! "I'll tell you where I hid your ball!" I offered desperately.

"Master got me a new one," Mudgie yawned, trotting behind the tiny human as she carried me across the room.

"I'll share my catnip," I pleaded, my paws dangling helplessly.

"Doesn't do a thing for me," Mudgie barked with a wide doggy grin.

"Mudgie, plea..." I begged as I found myself hurled into the metal hole, a door slammed in my face. Throwing my drenched body against the door, the sound echoed around me. It was official. I was going to die. I was going to meet the Big Cat Deity in the sky!

*/*

Mudgie watched as Ari slammed the door closed, blinking once as Shitty Kitty's wails reached a crescendo. Cocking his head as the little girl stood on tiptoes, trying to reach the red button that would begin the cycle, he sighed. Shitty Kitty had been a pain in his ass...nobody could deny that.

But the dryer chamber...nope, he couldn't let it happen. Gas really would have been kinder.

"Mudgie, pleassssseeeeee!" Magpie cried out frantically. "Do something!"

"What?" Mudgie barked, honestly uncertain how he could stop this madness even if he only partly wanted to. After all, he'd give up doggy bones for a month to see how Shitty Kitty looked after the permanent press cycle.

"Rip the tiny human's throat out," Magpie shrieked in that annoying shrill meow. "Be the dog you were destined to be! Kill, Fido, Kill!"

"Uhmmmm, lemme think about that," Mudgie snorted derisively. "No."

"I's almost dere," Arabella announced proudly, her little finger skimming the red button.

Taking pity on the beleaguered cat inside the dryer, Mudgie barked wildly...the serious bark. The one that said "Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!" Gently snagging Ari's dress in his mouth, Mudgie carefully avoided her flesh as he tugged her backward.

"Stop it, puppy!" Ari whined, tugging her dress from the dog's wet mouth. "We gots to find the fuff cycle," she complained, looking back at the dryer's controls.

"What's happening out there?" Magpie meowed frantically, her toenails screeching as she tried to gain traction against the slick metal surrounding her.

"A little busy here," Mudgie growled around Ari's dress as his persistent charge tried to reach for the dryer again.

Hearing the door open a second later, Mudgie relaxed as he heard a familiar deep voice. Releasing Ari, Mudgie barked victoriously. Doggy saves the day!

"What's going on in here?" Dave thundered as he looked from his dog to his guilty looking daughter. "Mudge, quiet!" he ordered, his eyes widening as he heard screeches coming from the interior of the dryer.

"I gave 'itty a baff, Daddy," Ari announced with a wide smile. "We's dryin' her now," she said pointing at the appliance.

Eyes widening as comprehension dawned, Dave dove toward the dryer. "Ari, room! Now!" he ordered as his hand reached the door. Closing his eyes, he grimaced as he opened the appliance, terrified at the prospect of what he might find.

Impatiently waiting as the door to her metal coffin slowly opened, Magpie glared furiously at the father of the tiny demon, hissing angrily.

"Hey, Magpie," Dave said weakly, his eyes sympathetic.

His child had tried to murder her in cold blood...and those were his first words to her? Incensed, she darted from her prison. "Ouuuuuuutttttttttt," she shrieked at the closed bathroom door.

Sighing, Dave watched the black cat shake irately, water droplets flying across the room. There was no misunderstanding the word that had just left the cat's lips. Opening the door, he sent a commiserating look toward his dog. "You know, Mudge...no matter how this goes down, we're getting the blame for this."

Grinning goofily up at the master, Mudgie only had one clear thought.

"So freaking worth it!"

Finis