|Deadpool… boredom creates comedy!
Author: PJ-Harper PM
The humorous misadventures of DeadpoolRated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Chapters: 7 - Words: 8,528 - Reviews: 25 - Favs: 16 - Follows: 17 - Updated: 12-08-12 - Published: 06-05-11 - id: 7053153
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Deadpool... Boredom creates comedy!
Chapter 5 + Next Chapter = Chapter 6
Hello once again my very loyal and probably virgin readers! And I don't care if my remarks hurt you pussys... causing you pain gives me my kicks! I weird like that. By the way I apologise if the last chapter upset due to it's shortness as I wanted to play patty cake with Nappa but due to my author we had to keep the chapter short and sweet. And it is always sweet because I am just a ball of awesome cuteness that is made of 99% insane and 100% sugar. Don't even dare think to question my maths... Deadpool maths doesn't have to add up because when it comes from something this epically sexy. So now we shall go onto my next adventure! So sit down and shut up as I put on my best tights!
I am sitting here at my computer on rereading the previous chapter and thinking to myself why didn't Vegeta stay and play with me. I'm so lonely.
"Grow up you pussy! You should go out there and find yourself your next job! And don't do that I hear it makes you go blind!" Italic inner monologue yells at me just as I begin to touch myself in my special area whilst watching 2 girls 1 cup.
"I suppose your right italic inner monologue..." I reply trying to think of grandma tits to make little Deadpool go to sleep.
"YOU SUPPOSE! It is a proven fact that masturbation cases blindness due to unexpected jizz shooting up into the eye."
"No I meant I should go out and get another job." I pull up my tights, head over to the door as I grab my swords and guns.
"Oh yeah that too. And next time you decide to make yourself go blind use a god damn tissue we share that keyboard."
As I begin to walk down the stairs from my apartment I try to think of where I should go to find a job. So I decide I need a sign.
Later that day I am standing in the middle of New York City with a sign saying 'Will kill anyone for $$$. Except Ryan Reynolds.' As I need him in case a Deadpool movie actually gets made. I hear after the flop of Green Lantern he is getting dropped as they are rebooting so here's hoping.
After standing for a couple of hours finally I get my first customer in the form of a cute ten year old ginger boy. "Hey mister, could you kill my teacher for me?" He asks me as I stare at his ginger hair... it strangely makes me want to punch him and find out if gingers have souls.
"Sure buddy! I don't see anything wrong with that. How much you paying."
"I have my $5 pocket money, I was going to use it to buy comics but I'd rather have my teacher die."
"That sounds fair. I think we have a deal."
"What are you doing you fool! Your fee is higher than that. Also you a comic book character should be promoting the buying of comics!" My annoying italic inner monologue begins to scream at me.
"Hey the kid's ginger I have to do this for him, he obviously has nothing else going on for him in life!"
Next thing I know the kid's mum comes over and drags him away while telling him, "Timmy what have I told you about talking to strangers!"
"Well there goes $5 dollars... Poor ginger kid, I hope they find a cure soon and don't have to put him down."
I throw my sign away after a couple more hours and begin to wonder the mean streets of the city and wonder what I am going to do for this months rent. I suppose I could sell naked photo's of the other heroes to the internet nerds again... you don't want to know what I have to do to get those pictures.
Then as I am walking down the street I notice that in an alley I see that a woman is getting
mugged by some guy and is putting up a real struggle. So I decide that I should go and help out... as long as I get a fair share of the loot.
So I sprint down the alley to where the man and the woman are and as I am about to grab the purse and help this guy out suddenly Dare Devil appears from the rooftops and knocks the guy out with a perfectly placed knee to the side of his head.
"There you go ma'am you're OK now." He says while looking at a brick wall. He really is blind or gay if he isn't checking out that nice rack that the women has on her. I'm telling you, you could motor boat it all day by the looks of it. (Please note the rest of us here at Deadpool... Boredom creates comedy! Do not share Deadpool's sexist view on women but we do however see his point and agree with his views on gingers.)
"Hey double D you just screwed me and that other guy over. We bout need the money! Unless you want you tiny 2 inches posted all over the internet!"
"Wait you weren't going to save her... and what do you mean 2 inches?"
"You know what I am talking about mini cup. And what are you doing in this part of the City I thought Hell's Kitchen was your turf?"
"You must have no sense of direction Wade this Hell Kitchen." He informs me while he walks over to the guy he just kneed and checks that he didn't hurt him to much.
"Wait are you serious! Maybe I could find Gordon Ramsay and finally learn the secret to the perfect buttered toast!" I say while I lick my lips at the idea of awesomely buttered toast.
"Yeah sure you go right ahead and do that." Dare Devil tells me as begins to tie the guy up with a note on him for the police. Maybe it is just me but that is so 1960's why don't the heroes these days just phone 911 from their cell phones and tell the cops that they just beat the crap out of some low life. I mean come on it is the 21st Century for crying out loud! "Well I suppose I will see you around Wade. And please don't do anything you normally do around here OK."
"What do you mean?"
"What I mean is don't go around and start killing civilians I am not in the mood to get into a fight with you right now." He said this with a tired tone in his voice.
"Aww come on why not... they are all fictional and don't really add much to the story for the reader. As if anyone would really care what happens to them."
"Whatever I'm going now." So with that he did some pretty nice acrobatics and returned to the rooftops and left me alone in the alley.
Then once again I began to wonder the streets thinking what to do for money and then I felt a good vibration in my tights that made little Deadpool happy. It took me a moment to realise that it was actually my cell phone that I had set to vibrate... to be honest I thought that it was just God trying to have his way with me. So I take it out of my pocket and I take the call and it is Nick Fury from shield.
"Wade, Shield need you expertise immediately." Nick speaks in a serious tone but I can't tell by his voice whether or not he is original Nick Fury or Samuel L. Jackson Nick Fury.
"Hey Nicky one eye when you are talking about business I prefer to be called my professional name."
"Fine, Deadpool, Shield needs you."
"Actually I was referring to my eBay name of SirCaptainFuzzyBoots1993 but I suppose that Deadpool works to. But first I have one question for you Fury."
"What is it?"
"Are you the white or black Nick Fury?"
"What kind of racist bullshit is that! That politically incorrect!" Nick begins to swear down the phone to me.
"Hey I'm just trying to clarify this for the reader." I say trying to calm him down. I didn't realise he was so sensitive... that is a quality hard to find in men sometimes aren't I right ladies.
"I don't care what you are trying to do and I prefer the term African American." Bingo it was Samuel L. Jackson Nick Fury after all!
"OK Nick I will take the job. So I will see you at the beginning of the next chapter." And so with that I hung up on him and went along skipping merrily finally I got a job. So once again I will see you next time readers in the next instalment of Deadpool... Boredom creates comedy!