|The Average Life at Aperture Science
Author: Xelac PM
GLaDOS turns Wheatley, a copy of herself, and possibly some other androids into humans for mental and behavioral experiments. However, allied with Chell, they get a bit out of hand. Randomness and a bit of fourth-wall breaking ensues! FW Mafia.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 22 - Words: 44,833 - Reviews: 190 - Favs: 83 - Follows: 74 - Updated: 12-02-11 - Published: 06-10-11 - id: 7070602
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: I should note that at the moment I have no idea what you are about to read. I'm just writing for the heck of it, like last time. Frankly, lately I've been thinking that I should go through this fic, get rid of the chapters I don't like, and maybe even improve the better chapters. But how am I supposed to find the motivation to do that?
Also, Almighty Wheatleys Agent, I am interested, but I don't know your email address… Did you post it in a different review and I just forgot or something?
Another thing-I know that a lot of you are wanting less Fourth Wall breaking, and you should be very relieved. Originally, this chapter would have plunged the wall even farther into oblivion. But then I got this ridiculous idea.
As anyone who has completed, or seen a walkthrough to, the end of the Co-op campaign knows, GLaDOS now has access to a giant vault filled with human test subjects. …I mentioned that before, didn't I? When I was explaining where the bodies that the cores were uploaded into came from…
Let's just get to the point. Among the test subjects from that vault was a normal guy named David. And when I say normal, I mean normal. His facial features were the sort that could be used when describing a thousand other men his age, with his only unique feature being that he has no unique features. Before he was placed in cryogenic storage, he had a typical job, an ordinary wife, and two average children who had average grades in school.
Now, obviously, he's not important. Let's turn to a more interesting character, GLaDOS's human counterpart, Glados. As you know, she has the same memories (from before her creation, at least) and personality as the supercomputer we all know and love. However, we also know that humans have a tendency to be influenced by others. How else do you think Twilight and Justin Bieber became popular? Anyway, she had no intention to let that happen. She was exactly like GLaDOS, except human, after all. She fought this with every ounce of will she had. But such things happen subtly. She was in charge of Chell and Wheatley, and as such hung out with them way too often to prevent this, not to mention that every other humanized core had already gone under. GLaDOS would have never gone along with Chell and Wheatley's ridiculous idea, but Glados did, just to make sure they didn't go too far, or so she told herself.
Now, let's look back at David. He was progressing through test chambers at an average speed. No, really. Take all the times of every test subject ever and average them together and you get the exact speed that he was going. He made all the mistakes that it's normal for a test subject to make, and took the same typical rout. He was so predictable that it was driving GLaDOS insane. She had been able to accurately predict every step he took and exactly how he would take it. He even reacted to her insults in the most predictable way.
As he went along testing, suddenly something strange and out of the ordinary finally shattered the redundant ordinary-ness. The male voice of the announcer that he had heard once or twice alongside the female voice he was more accustomed to suddenly spoke.
"The cow says moo," the announcer pointed out calmly. David looked at the ceiling in confusion.
"A glitch occurred in the announcer system," came the female voice, "Continue testing."
And so he did, progressing just a little further before the announcer came on again.
"Narwhals, narwhals," the announcer said in his usual melancholy voice, "Swimming in the ocean, causing a commotion, because they are so awesome."
"We are currently working on fixing the glitch," said the female voice, "No matter what it says, ignore it and continue testing. It is unimportant."
"If there is a robot equivalent to caffeine, the Enrichment Centre urges you to keep it far, far away from the Central Core," the announcer reported.
Far away from the testing tracks, in a certain control room, Chell and Wheatley could hardly contain their laughter as Glados refrained from snickering. They had come across the control panel for the announcer by chance, and before then didn't know that, rather than just being prerecorded messages, you could actually type something into the panel and the announcer will say it in his calm, monotone voice. Of course, you couldn't do it without a 14-digit password, and when Wheatley's hacking abilities failed, Chell managed to convince Glados that this was another chance for her to best Wheatley.
And now, five minutes later, they had the announcer broadcasting random phrases all over the Enrichment Centre.
"Other than making the announcer say random things," Chell said after she had stopped laughing, "Could we change its voice in any way?"
Glados glanced at the announcer's control panel. "Probably," she replied, even though messing around with Aperture equipment wasn't usually her thing. After all, AI GLaDOS was sure to catch them eventually, and who would have been expected to stop this?
However, after a few moments of tinkering, the announcer said for all to hear in a voice similar to that of Darth Vader's, "I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream."
By this point, every sentient being, except for GLaDOS, in the Enrichment Centre were at least snickering, even the few test subjects who were currently awake and testing, including one who was particularly slow and had a Mohawk. GLaDOS constantly ridiculed him for it, especially since he claimed that it made him look "more sexy to them chicks, yo".
"Chickity China, the Chinese chicken," the announcer said, "have a drum stick and your brain stops ticking."
Normal David had stopped testing entirely, and was simply staring at the ceiling, waiting for the announcer's next comment.
"What else could we make him say?" Wheatley asked, sitting in front of the control panel and staring at it intently as if it would jump out with the perfect and most hilarious answer.
"What if we made it sound like GLaDOS?" Chell suggested mischievously.
"No," Glados said simply.
"Maybe I can hack it," Wheatley said slyly.
Of course, we all know how Wheatley's hacking techniques work. He started pressing random buttons.
"Hoobotch smener smitch," the announcer said calmly, "Wickle mah cratzy hogt."
"Would you stop that?" Glados said, shoving him away from the panel and accidently hitting the keyboard herself.
"Hooplah," came the announcer's monotone voice.
Our average friend David was very confused at this point.
"Raffel cater machy tosh," the announcer said, "Caramelldansen, oo, oo, oo-ah, oo-ah."
It sounded like if what the announcer said was being typed, someone was fighting over the keyboard.
"SPAAAAAACE!" Space randomly yelled from somewhere in the Enrichment Centre. A few of the other cores around him looked up, but didn't react otherwise.
"Get off the keyboard!" Glados almost yelled, trying to shove Wheatley, who was sitting on the keyboard.
"Rrmmmmm," said the announcer.
Chell just watched with an amused expression.
Punch lines to use when you can't come up with one!
Even if it has no bearing on the story or development, it's still a very effective punch line.
How to use!
Use it in a humorous story.
Only use it once!
Place it at the very end of the story.
You can insert this into any story. It's a high-grade technique that requires thought!
It can even be used to break out of a slump!
"Wheatley…" Chell said exasperatedly, watching as he munched on something, "You're not supposed to eat the punch lines…"
"What? These are punch lines?" he asked in alarm, "I thought the authoress couldn't come up with any!"
"Huvkle manky laker smug," the announcer said.
It apparently had become a game. Wheatley was still sitting on the keyboard; Glados was on one side of him trying to push him off while Chell was on the other trying to pull him off. It was surprising how good of a grip a moron can have.
"Lammy gretuh putly humpuff."
"What have you been doing?" GLaDOS demanded, finally finding them.
The trio froze, not sure of what to do. Glados almost blushed with embarrassment, well, she did blush, but was desperately trying to hide it, while Chell and Wheatley glanced at each other knowingly, since they have been in this situation many, many times before.
With a final "Markan malry fruffle" Wheatley got off the keyboard, apparently pressing a previously un-pressed button that caused the song Colors of the Wind to be blasted all over the Enrichment Centre.
"Wh-what have you done?" the AI asked with a hint of alarm as the nature-loving Disney music rang through the halls and corridors of science.
Chell, laughing, gestured to the other two that they should probably get out of there, really, really fast. Just as they managed to dash out the door, GLaDOS spoke up again.
"Wait, you three. I'm not finished with you yet," she said in an uncomfortably calm voice. The trio froze for a second before Chell snapped out of it and was about to shove the other two forward when mechanical arms sprang out from behind the panels and grabbed them…
David was very, very confused that day.
A/N: Not my best, I know, but random nonetheless. Don't be alarmed if you look at this fanfic and find that it has less than 27 chapters and some of them have changed, since yes, I am planning on doing that. I miss Neuro, so I'm bringing him and Henry back by the ears… I didn't even like that chapter. He was originally supposed to just be some cute kitty that shows up now and then, and look what I did to him!
Also, Chapter 19 has finally been updated... It's not much, but better than nothing.