|Captain Planet and the Planetqueers
Author: the 6ft dick PM
Captain Planet and the hippies fight Veriminous Skumm from taking over the worldRated: Fiction M - English - Humor/Parody - Words: 3,923 - Reviews: 13 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 2 - Published: 06-19-11 - Status: Complete - id: 7098813
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Captain Planet and the Planetqueers
By the 6ft dick
One day on Hoe Island, the Planetqueers were watching their favorite t.v. show, "Jim and Jen Plus Ten." Jim and Jen Goosepussy were the parents of ten obnoxious little shits who became famous for some reason or another. Jim was from some East Asian country and didn't seem to have a job. Jen was a nurse, but she also made money by exploiting her children and being a greedy little bitch. Neither of them were good parents. In fact, on that day's show, Jen's daughter Hu Flung Poo wouldn't stop screaming or playing her favorite Dream Street CD. After listening to a boy band actually worse than the Back Street Boys, Jen went crazy. She picked up her obnoxious daughter and threw her against the wall and kicked her repeatedly. Her other daughter, Won Dum Fuk, came in and asked if she could have something to drink. Jen was too frustrated to think clearly, so she took off her shirt and sprayed breast milk. Then she came to a sudden realization: she was pregnant.
"Oh shit," she yelled. "If Jim finds out, he'll kill me." Since Jim and Jen were going through a divorce that for some reason captured the world's attention, Jen had become rather slutty and had been sleeping around with the hired help. At that moment, Jim walked in. He saw the milk dripping from Jen's tits and said, "What the hell? You stupid American whore. How dare you get knocked up behind my back?" Jen retorted with, "Well if your penis wasn't so fucking small and you actually pleasured me once in a while, this wouldn't be happening." Suddenly, Jen started crying. "Oh Jim. I'm so sorry about all this. If I wasn't such a selfish power hungry skank and if you would take Enzyte like I asked, none of this would have happened." Jim said, "I'm sorry too. Let's get back together." Jen agreed. Then Jim asked, "What about the baby? I won't allow some illegitimate kid in my house." Jen thought about it for a second and said, "Well, we could put it up for adoption and get a lot of money from the coverage, or we could, um, you know." Jim looked at her and said, "Are you sure you want to go through with another birth? The doctor said your vagina looks like a black person's mouth during a windy day." "You're right. Let's get rid of it." Jim said, "I'll get the vacuum, you get the coat hangers." At that moment, Gaia appeared.
The Planetqueers all groaned. "God damn it, Gaia. Why the hell are you interrupting Jim and Jen? This was going to be an awesome episode," Wheeler said angrily. "That's going to have to wait," Gaia said. She then turned the channel to another station. Suddenly the t.v. screen was filled with one man sucking on another man's nipple. Gaia quickly blushed and told the group to forget what they saw. Then she got it on the right frequency. It showed Verminous Skumm in his hideout working on a large death ray weapon shaped like a penis. After he completed the last of his maintenance, Verminous walked to his death ray and aimed it at a cardboard cutout of Jim and Jen Goosepussy. He jammed his penis into the machine and pushed a button. The machine fired a red beam and the cutout exploded. Gaia said, "The ray is powered by his penis. The only way to stop him is to cut it off." The Planetqueers all groaned, but they wanted to prevent Verminous Skumm from killing their beloved t.v. stars Jim and Jen. The Planetqueers all raced out the door to their airship. Gaia sat down on the couch and started watching the nipple sucking porno from earlier. Once outside, the Planetqueers got to their transport. The plane was called Today's World Affiliated Teens a.k.a TWAT. The Planetqueers enjoyed using it, but were put off by the smell of fish. It was pink and ran off solar power and for some reason was phallic shaped. Wheeler got to the door and tried opening it but it was locked. He turned around and said, "Who has the keys?" Everybody emptied their pockets but produced no keys. He then looked inside and saw the keys were in the ignition. Wheeler said to Kwame, "Yo homie, you mind using your black magic to break into this car?" Kwame said, "Watch your mouth, asshole. Don't talk to me like I'm some stereotypical black person." He then pulled a boombox out of his baggy pants and started doing the stanky legg while eating fried chicken. "Hey, your people have been oppressing mine for centuries," Wheeler said. Getting angry, Kwame went to blow off some steam by picking cotton.
Wheeler needed someone else to break into the car. So he looked at Gi and said, "Hey Jackie Chan, why don't you karate chop the window and make me some white rice in your sweatshop?" Gi said, "Fuck that. We're calling Captain Planet." After coaxing Kwame back with some watermelon, they did their Captain Planet thing. There was no response. They tried it two more times. When nothing happened again, Gi pulled out her cell phone and dialed a number.
At the Thongs and Dongs Strip Club, Captain Planet was working his shift. When not saving the world or trying to be a standup comedian, he enjoyed working at the hottest club for homosexual cartoon characters. Captain Planet started his routine the way he always did. While "Tarzan Boy" by Baltimora began to play, Captain Planet started by swinging in on a vine and wearing a leopard skin thong. He then ripped his thong off while the crowd looked on cheered like crazy. He then went over to a pole and began caressing it in a sensual way, gyrating and rubbing his groin all over it. He then asked, "Would anyone like to be my guest for this next performance?" His usual partner He Man was on sick leave due to a torn rectum. Many potential participants jumped up and down and waved their dollar bills wildly as CP looked on. "Hmm, I choose… You! The boy in the blue vest and jeans." Ash Ketchum cheered loudly and hopped up on stage. "So what's your talent, sweetie," asked Captain Planet. "I have a very talented Pokémon I want to show everybody," Ash stated proudly. "Let's see it," Captain Planet said to a cheering audience. Ash pulled down his pants and said, "Caterpie, I choose you." "Caterpie" flopped around for a bit and began to "evolve." "Look everybody, Caterpie is turning into Metapod." In a matter of seconds, Metapod was fully grown at 2 1/2 inches. "You know, Metapod is one of my favorite delicacies," Captain Planet said. "You mind if I get a taste?" "Sure, but be careful. He's very sensitive," Ash said. Ash did a hand stand and wrapped his ankles around Captain Planet's neck. However, before anything could happen, a voice over the intercom said, "Captain Planet, you have a phone call. I repeat, Captain Planet, you have a phone call."
Captain Planet sighed loudly and shoved Ash to the floor. He walked over to the telephone and said, "Who are you and what the fuck do you want?" "Cap, this is Gi. We accidently left our keys in the T.W.A.T and have no way of getting in." "Couldn't you just have the Spook break in and get the keys?" Gi gasped in shock. "Captain, how could you be so insensitive? We thought you liked Kwame. Now you're just as bad as Wheeler." "I'm not talking about Kwame, you idiot. I'm talking about Gaia. She is the Earth spirit, after all." Gi apologized and checked on Gaia. Gaia was completely out of it: she was naked, her hair was a mess, she had a vibrator and some lotion, and she was smoking a cigarette. Gi went over to her and waved her hand in front of her face. Gaia didn't respond. Gi got back on the phone and said, "Uh, I think she's dead." Captain Planet sighed and said, "I'll be right over."
"Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! Heart! Go Planet!" The Planetqueers did their thing and a brilliant rainbow came shooting out of the rings. Captain Planet appeared in his gay little outfit and said, "What do you little fuckers want? The crowd at the club is getting anxious." "We locked our keys in the car last night. We were so shitfaced that we forgot to take them out of the ignition," Linka said. Captain Planet sighed and karate chopped the window. He then reached into the car and grabbed the keys. After using his magic to fix the window, he told the kids to not call him unless there was an emergency. He then tossed the keys at Ma-Ti, which smacked him in the eye. Ma-Ti let out a small yell and picked up the keys. Captain Planet then disappeared in a puff of pink smoke. The Planetqueers got into the T.W.A.T and flew off.
As the group flew through the air in their phallus mobile, they began talking about stuff. "So do you think Jim and Jen will go through with it," Wheeler asked. "I have no clue," Ma-ti said. "Shut the fuck up, Ma-ti. Nobody asked for your opinion," Wheeler said angrily. Linka finally opened her mouth and said, "Wheeler, why do you have to be such an American pig? It's really unattractive." "Yeah, well your mom is unattractive." Ma-ti began to cry and said, "Can we kick him out of the group?" Wheeler yelled, "Fuck that! You can't fucking fire me." As soon as he said fire, a blast of flame shot out of his ring and lit Ma-ti's scalp on fire. Ma-ti started running around the jet screaming. Kwame yelled, "Someone put him out and shut him up." "Your mom puts out," Wheeler said. Kwame flipped him off. Wheeler grabbed a baseball bat and started to whack Ma-ti repeatedly with it. Ma-ti went down after a few strikes and after that Wheeler pissed on his head to douse the flames. After that, Wheeler sat down and there were no more incidents for the rest of the flight.
The gang finally arrived at Verminous Skumm's hideout. It was a large building that looked and smelt like shit. They landed on the roof and Wheeler woke Ma-ti up by farting in his mouth. Wheeler's fart smelled so awful that Ma-ti gagged and then puked on Wheeler's pants. After getting out some gas masks, the gang walked in. The place was dark as night and they were well aware that his mutated minions were lurking around. "Okay, Ma-Ti. You go first," Wheeler said. He grabbed Ma-Ti by the shirt and shoved him forward. Suddenly, they could hear the creepy, high pitched squeal a rodent makes and could make out a pair of red eyes glaring back at them through the darkness.
Before they could react, the large beast lunged at them. It was a giant humanoid rat, with saliva dripping from its fangs and a look in its eyes that said "I'm gonna rape you." As it got within range, Gi did a spinning round house kick and knocked the creature over. She then kicked it more until its face was bloody and bruised. Kwame walked over, pulled a chrome .45 out of his waistband and shot it repeatedly in the head. That's when they heard the sickening laughter of a half man half rat thing. The group raced upstairs and standing on a catwalk was Mr. Ugly himself. Skumm pulled out his disgusting penis and started to tug on it furiously while grunting and groaning. Again they shoved Ma-Ti out in the open, just as Verminous opened fire on them. Ma-Ti was "shot" and fell to the ground. Verminous smiled at them and said, "Well. It appears that I killed your friend. I bet that makes you furious." "Not really," said Kwame. "Yeah, he's kinda the twerp of the group," Linka chimed in. "Fuck you guys," Ma-Ti said as he stood up and wiped off the goo on his face. He walked over and punched both of them in the face.
"I say we call Captain Planet," Kwame said. "But we haven't even done anything," Linka replied. "Go figure. The rimby is too lazy to do anything that requires actual work," Wheeler sarcastically said. Kwame had had enough of Wheeler's racist bullshit so he tackled him and started to pound his face into the concrete while calling Wheeler's mother an idiot Pollack. Verminous Skumm let out an "I'm-still-here-pay-attention-to-me" cough and the group looked at him. Wheeler spat up some blood and agreed to it. After they did their thing, Captain Planet appeared. He looked around and said "Goddamnit can't you shitheads do anything by yourselves? I'm not your fucking welfare check." As he said that last part he glanced at Kwame. Verminous laughed and welcomed the fruitcake superhero to his den of stupidity. Captain glared at the rat-man and said, "Would you like to hear some stand up? " Skumm said, "I'd love to." "Okay. What do a rich bitch and a man who overdosed on Viagra have in common?" "What?" "Both are always 'stuck up.'" Verminous thought about it, but as soon as he understood it he laughed like crazy. Captain Planet inched closer. "Want to hear a longer one?" "Oh please continue," Verminous said in between laughs. "Alrighty. Howard Stern was walking down the street one day and a man walks up to him and asks if he is Howard Stern. He replies yes and the man takes out a VHS copy of "Private Parts" and says 'This is the worst piece of shit I've ever seen in my life' and bludgeons Stern to death with it and runs off. After he's taken to the mourge, the coroner is asked the cause of death and he says, 'Well, based on the black pieces and clear plastic that are lodged in his skull, they come from a video tape. Thus I can say that, it's true: Video killed the radio star.'" Verminous Skumm laughed so hard he had pee running down his leg and Captain Planet was so close that he could feel his breath on him. "One more?" "Yeah, sure. I'm up for one more." Captain Planet cleared his throat and said "What do you call a fake injury?" I don't know. What do you call it?" "Champaign. Get it? Sham Pain?" "Oh. That one sucked." It was then Verminous realized that Captain Planet had his hands wrapped around his neck. It dawned on him he was about to die. Before he could say or do anything, Captain Planet broke his neck. "I broke his neck like I broke that promise to Gaia that I'd wear a condom," Captain Planet said and then chuckled.
Suddenly a loud gunshot rang out. They turned around and saw Ash Ketchum standing there holding a shotgun and looking pissed. Captain Planet gulped loudly like he was swallowing some guy's jizz. "I can perfectly explain what is going on. I got called out and now I'm ready to be your bitch." "You left me standing there like a fool and I had to suck off a fruity green gargoyle before the sun came up. His wang was gross," Ash said angrily. "I bet his dick was like what Guns n' Roses like to do: Rock Hard." Ash then shot Captain Planet in the leg, completely shattering his kneecap and leaving him on the floor screaming in agony. "Please don't kill me. I'll do whatever you want. Massage, goatse, swallowing. Anything," he begged. Ash thought for a moment and aimed his gun at Captain Planet's head. "Swallow this," he said, shooting Captain Planet point blank in the face. Captain Planet his head exploded in a huge shower of blood and gray matter. Ash twirled his shotgun and stuck it on his back.
"Wait. Are you a good guy or a bad guy," Gi asked. Ash looked at her and said, good, bad, doesn't matter. I'm the guy with the gun." He then left. Now the planetqueers were stuck with no idea what to do. So Gi got her cell phone out and called Gaia. Gaia told them it would take a while to make a new captain planet, so the planetqueers were allowed to go on vacation. After hanging up, they decided to go to New York. So away they went.
After landing at the Plaza Hotel in New York City, the group got a room and planned their next move. "I vote we go to a whore house to get laid and see Kwame's mother," Wheeler said. "Oh yeah, let's go to the mental asylum where they probably lobotomized and fucked Wheeler's mother and laugh at her," Kwame retorted. "You son of a bitch," Wheeler yelled. The two lightly slapped each other and then cried in pain. Linka said, "Fuck both your mothers. Let's watch some of your American capitalist television." "Can I still go fuck Kwame's mother," Wheeler asked. Linka hit him and said no. They settled down on the beds and watched TV. As they flipped through channels, they saw Rugrats was on. "Oh, I used to love that show," Wheeler squealed. So they decided to watch, but it was a lot different from how they remembered.
Angelica Pickles walked in to the living room and said "Mommy, I can't shit." "What are you talking about?" Charlotte asked. "I've been sitting on the toilet and I can't shit." Charlotte sighed and she pulled her cell phone out. She called Stu and asked he come over. Angelica was in the bathroom when her uncle walked in. He said, "Angelica, bend over and spread your ass." The scene then cut to outside as Angelica screamed. It then cut to several hours later as Angelica lay in the shit covered bathroom. Her mom walked in asked how it went. She explained, "Uncle Stu had me bend over and then he stuck something in my ass and I've been pooping for the last couple of hours." "Was it his weenie," Charlotte asked. "No it was too small to be his weenie." "No his weenie is pretty small. I've seen it before." Well, it must have been someone else's because Uncle Stu has a big weenie." "Then it was a suppository." Isn't that where people keep books," Angelica asked. "No that's a depository," Charlotte explained. "A suppository is something that helps you poop." "Why did he stick it up my butt, though?" Because, sweetheart, that's an awfully big pill to swallow." "But mommy, I'm very good at swallowing." "Cousin Tommy helped me with that." Oh, Angelica, you'll make a great porn star someday," Charlotte said, smiling. "I know I will," Angelica said. The two then made out on the shit covered floor.
Wheeler stared at the tv in shock. How could one of his favorite shows degenerate into something so cruel, perverted and kind of hot? He openly wept, which surprised his teammates. "Wow, Wheeler actually has standards? I'm amazed," Gi said. "Yeah, I thought he was a racist asshole, but he can be deep," Ma-ti said. "Your mom's vagina is deep," Wheeler said. After that he said, "Guys, I say we march down to Nickelodeon Headquarters and tell them to stop raping our childhoods with this shit," Wheeler said. The others agreed. However, before they could do anything, something even more tragic happened.
On the tv was a news bulletin. "This just in: James and Jennifer Goosepussy, the stars of the hit reality tv show "Jim and Jen Plus Ten", were found murdered in their Intercourse, Pennsylvania home. The two were trying to perform an abortion on Jennifer's illegitimate child, when a crazed fan of the show burst in and shot both of them dead." It then showed footage of a mysterious gunman shooting the two, and the cameraman before it ended. The news report continued: "The suspect is described as being a 4'5 brown skinned male who is very young. Police say he's armed and extremely dangerous. Everyone is urged to stay home until this threat is resolved." Then the newscast ended. "We gotta leave," Ma-ti said in a scared voice. "That's a good idea," Kwame said. All of a sudden the door to their hotel room was kicked down and their stood Brain from "Arthur." His clothes had long since fallen to rags, his skin, while still brown, was greasy and smelly, and his machine gun penis now had an attached grenade launcher. He looked evilly at the planetqueers and laughed.
"It was you!" Wheeler shouted, pointing his finger at Brain. "It was you. You killed Jim and Jen." "That's right," Brain said. "But why?" "Because they're stupid and annoying, and I like killing. Now you all are going to die." He cocked his cock and shot Ma-ti in the face. This time Ma-ti's head exploded and he fell over dead. Gi tried kicking him, but he ducked and shot her in the leg and then the head. Kwame pulled out his .45 and managed to graze Brain's shoulder, but he went down too. He shot Linka in both knees, went over and made her "suck" him and he "came" in her mouth, killing her as well. Wheeler was the last one alive, and pleaded with Brain not to kill him. Brain thought about it and said, "Nope." He switched on the grenade launcher and pulled the trigger. The grenade blew up at Wheeler's feet, completely destroying his legs and propelling him out the window where he landed head first on a wrought iron fence, going completely through the back of his head and out of the front. Back in the hotel, Brain laughed manically as he raced out of the room, ran through another room, jumped out the window, bounced off the awning and landed on the street. He began walking across the street, but was then hit by a police car and killed.
Inside the police car, Ray Rocket's head popped out of Officer Shirley's lap and he exclaimed, "What the fuck was that?" Shirley said, "Nothing, now get back to work." "No. Not until you tell me where we are. I think we've been driving for five years now and you still haven't told me anything." Before Officer Shirley could say anything, a tanker truck appeared out of nowhere and they slammed into it at full force, causing a huge explosion and their deaths. After the Fire Department put out the fire, everyone went on with their lives.