My name is Kurthnaga and I will never forgive myself for what I did that day.

At the time, it seemed right. I didn't want anything bad to happen to my sister's friends...and my nephew. And there can be no problem with protecting those who love you.

But, had I but known… had I known that if I didn't fight… I could have… I could have stopped it all. My father always wanted to remain neutral. It was something I never understood. He was an isolationist. I did not and still do not approve of that foreign policy. I think that everyone should be able to fight in wars that are dangerous to them and their kin.

My brother had been taken hostage by King Ashnard. Almedha had loved him. My nephew had business in Daein. I didn't think that our foreign policy could last much longer given the circumstances. My father thought it was always the safest.

It's entirely possible that it was. If nothing else, it certainly prevented Ashera and Yune from awakening… which kept the world alive. My father was so conservative… not even Begnion was that set in the old ways.

I knew that what I was doing was defiant. At the time, I didn't care. What mattered more: my father's ideal or my sister's reality? I thought that, most certainly, it was my sister's reality. But the question is… was this reality really worth it?

I know that we were supposed to keep Pelleas safe, but could the rest of Daein really have been enough to make up for the loss of Goldoan culture? At the time, I thought it would.

But maybe that's because, at the time, I wanted to rid Goldoa of its conservatism. I mean, I didn't want to turn it into another Phoenicis or anything; but I thought maybe I could enlighten us at least to the level of Kilvas or Daein.

Perhaps that's why I thought Daein's cause was right. I was just desperate to change the way my father did things. Any change would be a good change.

Yet, no matter how much I tried, I knew that I couldn't, in good conscience, fight in a war. My father always told me as I grew up, "Kurthnaga, one day you'll be asked to fight in a war. If you are, you must adamantly refuse." If he found out that not only was I not adamant, I didn't even refuse, he would disown me.

But was that really so bad? In that moment, my father disowning me didn't seem so bad. After all, why would I be stuck in his outdated ways? It shouldn't matter if he disowns me, right? In fact, for a brief and regrettable period of time, I considered disowning him myself.

Outdated… ultra-conservative… I knew that I had a right. But deep down, I knew that what I was truly doing was trying to justify my own behavior. And once I had my own father against me in the war, his stance was truly shown. They weren't just the ways; they were his ways. He was as interested in keeping his as I was in mine.

And I could tell that he still loved me. In this moment. He didn't even try to fight me.

My name is Kurthnaga, and I hope that one day I'll be able to forgive myself for the mistakes I made that day. But that day is not today.