|Floaters and Sinkers
Author: Hammer of Destiny PM
It's important to make a good first impression. But when you have an amorous, cockblocking dog, a nosy neighbor, and a boat that refuses to float, a good first impression is hard to come by. 2nd Place in the Real Love Contest.Rated: Fiction M - English - Humor/Romance - Bella & Edward - Words: 6,233 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 12 - Follows: 3 - Published: 06-28-11 - Status: Complete - id: 7127791
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all. We just like to play with her characters. Rated M for lemons, nudity, and flaming dildos.
Summary:It's important to make a good first impression. But when you have an amorous, cockblocking dog, a nosy neighbor, and a boat that refuses to float, a good first impression is hard to come by
"I want you …please," I whispered, my lips so close to his ear that they brushed his lobe. I punctuated the request with a nibble. He moaned in response, grinding against me as his head dipped lower, peppering kisses across my breasts. I tangled my hands in his hair as my back arched off of the mattress and my eyes closed involuntarily, losing myself in the moment.
"Now, Edward…" I groaned.
He moved his hand down and wrapped his arm under my knee, pulling my leg up high to his shoulder before entering me in one smooth, slow motion. I moaned as I stretched around him, and he pulled out again slowly before entering me again, the motion smoother now that he was covered in my wetness. He found a nice rhythm, and I wrapped my other leg around his ass, pressing him into me with every thrust.
He felt so good, and we both began grunting as our tempo sped up. I thought I heard a low whine in the background, but I ignored it, thinking maybe it was Edward's nose whistling – he was just coming off another bout of an allergy attack, so it was possible it was just him. I grunted again, this time a little louder, and moaned, "Fuck, yeah, baby, right there!"
Edward made a sound that sounded off, so I opened my eyes to look at him. Instead I was greeted with a face full of dog breath. It took me a moment to clear my mind of its lust-induced haze before I recognized our toy poodle's face in front of me. I was so discombobulated by that fact, and I looked to the left to see Edward's face was wearing a mask of disgust.
"Fuck, Jake, get off me!"
Jake was on Edward's back, apparently dry humping him and whiningin what I assumed was his worry over what Edward was currently "doing" to his mama.
"Jake! Get off Edward! Now! Shoo!" I grabbed at Jake's muzzle and tried to push him off Edward, but it just made Jake whine even more.
"Fuck, I can't do this!" Edward said lowly. I could already feel him shrinking as he kept moving inside me.
I started to laugh. I was frustrated, sure, but poor Jake didn't understand what was happening, lost as he was to what was happening between Edward and me, as well as to whatever raging doggie hormones were sweeping through him. We'd failed to ever have him fixed because there was always that chance we could breed him in the future. But I was regretting that decision now.
"All right…" I said, trying to cajole some good humour out of Edward, "let's try this again later. If we kick Jake out of the room now and try to work you up again, you'll be late picking your parents up at the airport." I unwrapped my leg from around Edward and leaned up to kiss him before he grunted another expletive and rolled off me, covering his face with his arm.
"Who's a bad boy, Jake? Are youa bad boy?" I cooed as I sat up and pulled my discarded t-shirt back on. Jake sat there and barked at me before lunging himself into me and licking my face.
"Why did you insist on getting that damn dog?" Edward said, scowling.
"Oh, hush, you! Jake's a sweetheart. He's just confused. Isn't that right, Jakie-poo?"
"C'mon. Get up, babe. You're going to be late." I said, patting Edward's belly before patting Jake's head and scurrying off the bed to retrieve my panties and shorts to put them on.
I swear I heard Edward growl before he too got out of bed and made his way to get ready for the airport.
I'd been cleaning nonstop for the last week in preparation for our houseguests, and all I really had left to do was to walk Jake and make our bed. Jake's bad timing had left me in a state of sexual frustration, and that – on top of my nerves – was going to turn me into a flailing mess today. It was horrible enough that I'd be meeting Edward's parents for the first time. If I didn't make a good impression, I was terrified of what would happen. Yes, I knew Edward loved me, but at the same time, he was very close to his family and their approval was very important. If they didn't like me, I knew our relationship would be doomed.
I sighed and turned my head, eyeing my nightstand. It would be at least an hour's driving time for Edward, so I leaned over and retrieved my battery-operated boyfriend, code named BOB – something I had rarely needed since Edward and I had moved in together. I opened it up to make sure the batteries were still there and then twisted the bottom until the telltale hum of my old buddy pierced the quiet in the room.
BOB and I had been through so much together. I had bought him shortly after moving into my first apartment five years ago. He'd been dropped in water, stepped on, and Jake had an unhealthy fascination with him, but BOB always survived. I hopped off the bed and shooed Jake out the bedroom door before stripping and flopping back down onto the pillows. I spread my legs and lowered BOB into position as I closed my eyes and lost myself to the perfect rhythm.
I paid no attention to Jake's whining and scratching at the door as I came closer to release. But as I started breathing heavier, my stomach clenching, I noticed an unusual odor. My first thought was that Edward had put the kettle on the stove for me before leaving, but this smelled different– like burned plastic and…
My thoughts were interrupted by the realization that my hand was getting warm. Verywarm. My eyes flew open and I lifted my head to look down to see something no woman should ever see.
Beautiful blue flames shooting out of the end of BOB while he was still partially inserted into my glory hole.
All I could think was, 'Why do these things always happen to me?' Sure, I was a klutz, but Edward said it was part of my charm. But for some reason, I was a magnet for odd and embarrassing experiences – like the time Edward decided to give me a little oral action after having cheese and crackers with Tabasco. My vag was on fire for a week. Then there was the time I had to give a presentation to the Vice President of the university and I had the back of my dress tucked into my pantyhose. I had gone sans undies that day! Or there was the time Edward talked me into wearing those vibrating panties with the remote control in public. I ended up dumping my wine in my lap, shorting them out and electrocuting my clit.
The sizzling of melting plastic jolted me back to reality and I sprang into action – not the action of a normal human being but more like the action of a panicking chimpanzee on crack. Instead of running straight to the bathroom and dousing the flaming dildo in the toilet or sink, I held it up like a flaming baton and screamed a battle cry as I flung the door to the bedroom open and ran outside, spooking Jake in the process.
Water. I need to find water.
It became my mantra, and the only source of water that had popped into my head was the very large pool we had in our backyard. It was the main reason we had decided to purchase the house. I loved to swim, but now I had only one purpose – to extinguish the flaming dildo torch.
I burst through the back door, Jake hot on my heels, probably thinking this was some game of 'Play Fetch", and hurled BOB, watching as he sailed through the air and landed in the pool with a hiss. I threw my arms up and squealed in victory after defeating the dildo of flaming death, only to look over and see our neighbor watering her garden and looking at me with an air of shock.
Then I realized I had just thrown a dildo into the pool. And I had been pleasuring myself.
I knew I was missing something in the equation as I smiled at Mrs. Cope. Jake barked, and then a cool breeze hit me and I felt exposed.
Because I was still naked.
And I was standing outside, smiling at Mrs. Cope after throwing BOB the barbecued dildo into the water. My eyes widened and I let out a pathetic squeak as I turned around and ran back into the house, one hand over my boobs and the other one covering my map of Tasmania.
I ran straight into the bedroom and slammed the door shut, collapsing against it in mortification. I happened to glance up and saw the clock on Edward's nightstand, and I cursed the vibrator flambé as I realized Edward's family would be here within a half hour and the house smelled like burned pussy and plastic. And I wasn't even dressed yet.
I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around myself before flying around the house to open all the windows, and then I grabbed the bottle of Febreze that we kept under the kitchen sink, activated the nozzle, and let loose the Sweet Citrus & Zest as I ran my way back to the bedroom. I put the air freshener down and quickly made the bed before jumping into the shower for a quick once over. When I got out, I made quick time, brushing my teeth and towel drying my hair before applying some mascara and lip gloss. It was a hot day, we had a barbeque planned for dinner, and I didn't need my face melting in front of our guests. I was just pulling out a fresh pair of knee length shorts and a tank top from the dresser when I heard the car pull up out front. I threw on my clothes and slipped my feet into a pair of flip flops and made way downstairs.
Edward was in the foyer, placing his parents' bags down on the floor as I reached the last step, and I smiled at Mr. and Mrs. Cullen – Carlisle and Esme – as they too stepped inside.
"Bella, it's so nice to finally meet you in person, dear!" Esme said, holding her hand out to me and pulling me in for a hug. Well, this is going well so far!
"It's so nice to finally meet you too, Esme!" I said. I looked up from Esme's embrace to see that Carlisle was smiling at our exchange.
"Hello, Bella. It's nice to meet you. Edward's told us so much about you," he said to me.
"All good, I hope!" I replied.
"Well…there was that incident–" Carlisle began before Esme slapped her hand at her husband and chided him.
"Of course, Bella! Edward thinks the world of you," she answered for Carlisle, frowning at him.
I blushed but laughed and then I looked over to Edward, who was beaming at me. I walked over to him and he wrapped his arm around my shoulders, squeezing me into his body and kissing my temple.
"Edward, why don't you take your parents' bags to their room while I get them something to drink, hmm?" I said.
"Sounds good to me. And I'll have whatever Dad's having."
I nodded him off and I made my way into the kitchen with Esme and Carlisle following behind me.
"So, how was the plane ride?" I asked them, trying to get past the initial nervousness that I was sure we were all feeling.
"Oh, you know…a bit long, but no turbulence, thank Heavens!" answered Esme.
"Oh, you don't like flying?" I asked.
"We had a rough flight on our way home from Florence a few years ago, and she's been nervous of flying ever since," said Carlisle with a wink to Esme.
"Ahh...well, I can sympathize. I've never been good with flying either. What would you like to drink? I made sangria earlier, and we have wine and beer. Whichever you prefer."
"Oh! I'll have some sangria, Bella. Thank you!" I smiled at Esme and looked to Carlisle as I opened the fridge.
"Do you have Corona?" he asked.
"Is Edward your son?" I replied, laughing.
I pulled two Coronas out, as well as the pitcher of sangria, and popped the caps off the beers before handing one to Carlisle. As I was fishing out two glasses for my and Esme's sangria, Edward entered the room and rubbed his hands together with a big smile on his face. I could tell he was happy his parents were here, and that made mehappy. I passed him his Corona and Esme her sangria before going into the fridge once more to pull out the steaks we had marinating for the barbeque.
"Did you want the grand tour of the house now or after dinner?" Edward asked his parents.
"Why don't we just relax, son. Later's fine with us. Those look like some pretty fine steaks you've got there," Carlisle said, nodding to the platter. "Why don't we let the women chat while we go outside and start the barbeque?"
Edward turned to me for confirmation and I nodded at him before turning to Esme. "I have a few salads I need to finalize. You don't mind helping, do you?"
"Of course not, dear! I might pick a little though… I'm famished, and the plane food was horrible!" she said with a laugh while rubbing her belly.
"Would you like something now, Esm–"
"Oh, no, no, no! I'll be fine! Now you two men get outside and do your man thing!" she answered before handing Carlisle the platter and swatting his bum when he turned to follow Edward out the sliding door.
Cute, I thought with a snicker.
I had Esme toss the Asian slaw and potato salad while I retrieved the plates, napkins, and cutlery to set the table outside. We settled on idle chit chat, Esme telling me about their older son Emmett's promotion at the law firm he was working at. She also told me he had just met an articling clerk there by the name of Rosalie, who was supposed to be quite the looker. Of course, Edward had already told me all this before, since he and Emmett spoke all the time on the phone and were very close, but I pretended it was news to me because Esme seemed really relaxed, which helped me to relax.
By the time we headed outside to join the men, we were chatting like we'd known each other a long time. Esme placed the salads on the patio table as I set my tray down and began to set the table. Edward came up behind me, his father manning the grill, and pressed himself against me, wrapping his arms around my waist.
"Edward!" I said, turning my head to the side to look at him while trying to elbow him away from me, afraid his mom might see. Even if Esme had tapped her husband's bum in front of me, I wasn't used to such public displays of affection in my family. I could only imagine how my dad would react to Edward doing that to me in front of him…
Esme said nothing though; she just smiled at us and walked over to Carlisle to keep him company.
"I still have plans for us later on, Bella," Edward whispered in my ear.
A chill went up my spine, and I giggled, trying again to elbow him away from me.
"And Jake won't get in the way again this time…" he said before pressing into me a second time and squeezing my waist.
"Shhh…" I chided.
"Where is that dog anyway?" he asked.
I thought about it too. Where was Jake?The last time I'd seen him was…
"Um…uh, I had an incident earlier while you were gone. I'll tell you about it later, but he was out here the last time I saw him," I managed to get out before I turned out of Edward's hold and scanned around the backyard for Jake.
"Jake!" I called.
"Oh, he'll come around soon enough, Bella. Just wait till dinner's ready, and then he'll be here and begging for scraps." Edward slapped my bum this time and headed back over to the grill.
I ran back into the house to grab the pitcher of sangria and two more bottles of Corona before we all sat down in the early evening light to enjoy our dinner. Conversation was flowing smoothly – Carlisle talked about his medical practice and Esme spoke of an interior design project she was currently working on – when we heard a splash.
We all looked up and turned our heads in the direction of the sound – the pool.
"Jake, get out of the pool!" Edward yelled.
I sat there motionless and watched as Jake swam over to my destroyed dildo that was floating around the deep end.
"What is that?" Edward asked quietly to no one in particular.
I was speechless. All I could do was stare as Jake, dildo in mouth, climbed out of the pool and bounded over to us.
"Hi there, Jake! Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?" Carlisle said as he stood up from the table and walked toward Jake's fast approach, slapping his hands to his upper thighs in a 'come here' gesture over and over again.
"Well, someonewants to play fetch!" said Carlisle.
My eyes bugged out of their sockets as Jake skidded to a stop in front of Carlisle.
"What isthat?" Edward asked again, only this time louder.
He turned to look at me, a different kind of confusion written all over his face, no doubt now wondering what exactly hadtaken place in the hour he had been gone, and I watched Carlisle lean down and pull BOB from Jake's mouth. He stood back up and stared at it, confused himself.
"Is that–" Esme began, but Edward whipped over to his dad's side and yanked the offending battery-loving pleasure maker out of his father's hand. A look of understanding passed between father and son, and Esme turned to me, a look of pure embarrassment for mewritten all over her face.
I was frozen, my cheeks burning beet red, no doubt. There was no waythey were going to believe that was mine. I wouldn't allow it!
Edward hid BOB behind his back and cleared his throat, still looking at me. I hadto say something!
"Stupid Jake! Where do you find such things?" I scolded him. I shook my head at him as I numbly walked over to him, my index finger a weapon of false blame I was using for full effect. "Really, Jake! I don't know where you find such things!" I turned toward Carlisle and added for effect, "He was rummaging in our next door neighbor Mrs. Cope's backyard earlier while Edward was picking you up. So disgusting! Ew, Jake, ew!" I waggled my finger some more at him, and he just sat there and whined at me.
Edward knew better, of course. He'd met BOB early in our relationship. But he played along with my charade so I could save face, pulling BOB out from behind his back and dangling it between two fingers, as if it hadactually belonged to Mrs. Cope.
"Ew," Edward said, making a face so comical that I couldn't help but giggle as he played along. Esme scrunched her shoulders up and mimicked Edward's reaction.
"Go throw that in the garbage, Edward! And sanitize your hands, for goodness' sake!" she said, rushing over to the sliding door to open it so Edward could hurry inside and "cleanse" us – and his hands – of its presence.
The rest of the evening went smoother. The air of discomfort had eased up considerably once Edward came back outside. We gave Esme and Carlisle a tour of the house, showed them their room and where they could find their essentials, and then we chit chatted some more at the patio table after clearing the table and washing up the dishes.
We even threw glances Mrs. Cope's way as she watered her flowers in her backyard, wearing only a muumuu. She, in turn, threw us – me– glances back, a sneer on her face, to which Esme whispered, "Oh, she doesn't look like a pleasant woman at all!"
"Maybe she misses her dildo?" Carlisle whispered in reply. Esme slapped his arm, but we all burst out laughing, Edward giving me a knowing look from across the table.
Soon enough, however, Esme and Carlisle were yawning. It was only 9 o'clock, but I guess their traveling had tuckered them out.
"Well, if you don't mind us, we're going to retire for the evening," Carlisle said.
"Yes, I'm exhausted," echoed Esme. "Thank you for a wonderful dinner, dears!"
We all stood up and made our way with our drinks inside.
"Mom, Dad, Bella and I are going to head out for a little while, but we'll be back before midnight. Will you be okay here by yourselves?"
"Of course, Edward," Carlisle said with a wink and a sparkle in his eye.
"Okay, Dad. Goodnight, Mom." He kissed his mom on the cheek and they made their way to their room. I breathed out a sigh of relief and Edward grabbed his keys before we headed to the car.
I looked at Edward curiously when he pulled into the parking lot of a secluded park before snorting and proclaiming, "I don't care how horny you are, Edward. I am not having sex in this car with the way my luck is going today. The last thing I need is for your mom and dad to have to bail us out of jail for public indecency."
He shook his head at me and chuckled. "I have something else in mind, Bella. Just come with me. It's a surprise." I was still wary, but I obliged him after seeing his dazzling smile. I could never tell him no when he flashed that damn 'fuck me' grin. I sighed and unbuckled my seatbelt, and by the time I was done stalling, Edward was already at my door, opening it and holding his hand out to assist me.
The summer sun was beginning to set, and I wasn't the most graceful girl, so when he offered me a piggyback ride, I took it without hesitating. We talked about nothing important until he brought up the dildo incident, so I told him the entire story and we both ended up laughing over it. For the first time all day, I really, truly relaxed as I realized that no matter what Edward's family thought of me, he would still want me. I had no clue why, but as we laughed together, I could still hear the love in his voice as he scolded me for using a sex toy without inviting him to watch.
When our conversation lulled and we fell into a comfortable silence, I settled my chin onto his shoulder and listened as he hummed a song to me, not paying any attention to our surroundings. He finally stopped moving and indicated he was ready to put me down, and I looked up to find us standing on a tiny dock on a beautiful little lake. The water sparkled like millions of mirrors as the sun dipped lower on the horizon, painting different hues across the sky. I hopped off Edward's back with only a tiny stumble, and as he turned around, I threw myself into his arms.
"Oh, this is so beautiful!" I exclaimed into his chest. He laughed at me and freed himself from my grasp, taking my hand and walking me down to the end of the dock. Edward gracefully stepped into a row boat and then held out his hand to me, gingerly guiding me into the boat so I wouldn't trip and fall into the water. He turned around to grab a small cooler I hadn't noticed until now that was sitting at the end of the dock, and he rocked the boat slightly in the process.
I swayed from side to side and panicked, thinking I was about to go ass over tea kettle into the lake. I figured the best course of action would be to fling myself backwards so I would land in the boat, but when I landed, I immediately regretted it. I hit the bottom with a hard thud, making the entire boat shake precariously. Edward whipped his head around as he grabbed hold of the dock, expecting to see me in the water, but then he just shook his head with a smile on his face when he saw me lying on the bottom of the boat.
"You need to be more careful, love. This boat is very old and hasn't been maintained well. And I don't want to ruin the mood with lifejackets," he scolded.
I rolled my eyes at him as he seated himself and grabbed the oars, rowing us out into the middle of the lake. The lake was more like a pond, and it only took him a few minutes before we reached our destination. He pulled open the plastic cooler and handed me two champagne glasses before he pulled a bottle out next. "Why champagne? Do we have something to celebrate?" I asked.
Edward smiled and replied, "Not yet," as he turned the cooler into a makeshift table, sitting the bottle and glasses on top of it. He cleared his throat and looked at me as he stuck a hand in his pocket, pulling out a tiny leather box. My hands flew up to my mouth and I gasped as he kneeled down on one knee in the tiny canoe. Just as the final rays of the sun began to dissipate, he said, "Bella, I know today has been stressful for you, but I don't think you realize exactly how much you mean to me. You are my other half, my soul mate, and I can't bear the thought of existing without you. Bella Swan, would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"
I was speechless as tears rolled down my cheeks. He still wanted me, plain old Bella, and he wanted me forever. I nodded at him, unable to form words, and he slipped the ring on my finger just before I flung myself at him. I knocked the cooler and our celebratory champagne in the water in my haste to reach him, but I just didn't care. I was going to be Mrs. Edward Cullen, even after all of my screw ups, and I needed Edward to know how much I loved him, right now.
Before he realized what was happening, I began to fumble with the buttons of his shirt as I kissed him, pouring as much passion and love into it as I could muster. Hands began to fly between us as we tugged at our clothing, removing it haphazardly as we found ourselves in a frenzy to proclaim our love to one another. At that moment, we didn't register that we were in a boat on a lake, and our clothes were discarded without a care until Edward was completely naked and I was wearing only my shorts. Somehow, Edward managed to remove my last pieces of clothing with some maneuvering while nibbling along my neck, but when my bare ass hit the bottom of the boat, something didn't quite feel right.
I moaned, "Edward, I'm wet," as I tried to let him know that I was sitting in a small puddle of water.
His hand moved down my stomach and between my thighs as he replied, "I know, love. That's supposed to happen so I can fuck you properly." When his fingers began playing me, touching me in just the right manner, I brushed the puddle off as a tiny amount of water that had entered the boat while we rocked back and forth in our wild, sexual hysteria. I was too preoccupied with Edward's fingers dancing across my clit while I stroked his hard-on to realize that we were taking on water from the rear of the boat where I had landed roughly earlier in the night. It wasn't until Edward pushed me back to lie down that I realized my hair was floating.
Edward either didn't notice or didn't care. He groaned as he rubbed his dick across my opening and began to enter me. But I didn't moan in pleasure, enjoying the experience. Instead, as the water made its way up to my ears, I let out a scream, finally pulling Edward out of his sexual fog. His eyes widened as he looked at the water in the bottom of the boat, and he pulled away, grabbing the oars and scrambling up to row as hard as he could back to shore.
That's when I learned something new about boats – they take on water slowly, but when the water reaches the halfway point, they sink. Fast. Like lead weights. So, halfway back to shore, the boat was no more and we found ourselves swimming for land.
The sun had completely set and we were on a trail in the middle of nowhere with only one tiny streetlamp lighting the trail every few hundred feet, so finding and retrieving our clothes from the water was fruitless. Without a word, we stumbled through the darkness back to the car and the thankfully deserted parking lot. As Edward sprawled his arms across the top of his Volvo and began banging his head against it, the realization hit me. I whispered, "Let me guess, the keys were in your pocket?"
His sigh said everything I needed to know. Thankfully, I had a tendency to lock my keys in the car, and Edward was unaware that I'd added a hidden magnetic key box to the wheel well of his precious baby. I dropped down in a very unladylike position for someone that was naked as a jaybird and pulled the key box from its hiding spot, holding it up like a prize trophy. Edward looked perplexed for a moment, then smiled brightly as he took it from me and unlocked the car.
We climbed into the Volvo gratefully and sat in silence as we sped toward home with the heater going full blast. Thankfully, we weren't pulled over on the way home – that would have definitely been difficult to explain – and we made it in one piece. The last obstacle was sneaking inside without his parents – or anyone else – seeing us. It was rather late, and Esme and Carlisle had seemed exhausted when we'd left, so I hoped they'd be asleep. But no dice. As we drove up, the lights were on in the living room, so I said, "Drive around back," giving Edward no room for argument. Our best bet was to sneak in through the backyard and make the short beeline to our bedroom.
As we parked the car and looked around to make sure there were no bystanders on the street, I made a mad dash to the gate and quietly opened it before hightailing it across the yard and around the pool. I was halfway there when Jake started barking inside the house. I heard a gasp and the sound of glass breaking, and I looked over to see Mrs. Cope in her backyard with half a dozen guests all sitting around, drinks in hand, staring at us with their mouths opened.
What the fuck was she doing with guests over this late at night? She was alone earlier!
I didn't think it could possibly get any worse, but of course Esme and Carlisle came rushing through our back door to see what the commotion was about.
Carlisle looked away as Esme cleared her throat and asked, "And what have you been up to tonight, Bella."
I figured the truth – or at least part of it – would be best, so I mumbled one word. "Swimming?"
"Naked?" Carlisle interjected, his voice cracking slightly.
"Is Edward with you?" Esme questioned.
I was ready to say, "Absolutely not," when Edward cleared his throat and came running around the house, screaming, "Bonzai!" as he made a laughter-filled leap into the pool. He quickly swam over toward me, grabbed my ankle on the deck of the pool, and pulled me in. I screamed as I splashed into the water, my arms and legs waving about, and then Edward righted me and wrapped his arms around me.
Esme and Carlisle covered their mouths but couldn't contain their own laughter as I choked up mouthfuls of chlorinated water, wrapping my legs around Edward and holding on tightly to conceal my naked form.
"That's the girl I was telling you about. You know, the nakedgirl with the flaming dildo," Mrs. Cope told her guests.
Mortified, I buried my face in Edward's neck as he roared with laughter and his parents retreated back into the house. I held onto Edward with a death grip, hoping to sink into nonexistence while he flashed a smile at Mrs. Cope and addressed the gawker guests that were now unabashedly staring at us from the other side of the fence. "There's nothing to see here except for my absolutely gorgeous fiancée, so I would suggest you get back to your party now. Have a good night."
I couldn't help the giggle that bubbled out of my throat as Mrs. Cope harrumphed as she bustled off away from the fence. I playfully smacked Edward on the shoulder and said, "Edward, you're incorrigible."
"No, love, you're the incorrigible one. Sinking boats, flaming dildos, and blaming your mishaps on our poor neighbor to save yourself some embarrassment," he replied before splashing me in the face. I squealed at him and splashed back, starting a war I knew I was destined to lose, so I did the only thing I could to cease the fake hostilities—I kissed him.
At that moment I saw Esme open the back door out of the corner of my eye with two fluffy towels under her arm. As soon as the door was open enough for Jake, the most overprotective poodle in the world, he squeezed through and tore across the yard, barking and growling. Jake jumped into the pool and headed straight for Edward, still snarling, and I couldn't help but laugh at his insistence that he protect his mommy from Edward the monster.
Edward cursed and Esme's laughter joined mine as she sat two towels down next to the edge of the pool. I thanked her and she smiled brilliantly at me before she turned around and headed back to the house. She hadn't taken two steps when she looked over her shoulder and said, "Oh, in all of the excitement, it slipped my mind. Congratulations, Bella. Welcome to the family."
I looked down at my left hand that was submerged under the water covering my hoo-ha, and then I looked at Edward, puzzled. He was swimming around, trying to keep away from Jake, but he looked at me, winked, and stated, "I told Dad when we were barbequing, Bella."
I turned toward Esme, who was now almost to the door, and cocked my head to the side and yelled after her, "After all I've done today, you still want me as a part of your family?"
She turned around and laughed before replying, "Bella, dear, Edward chose you. It isn't our call." My head drooped a little before she continued. "But I think you'll make a fabulous addition to our family. I will be proud to call you my daughter. After all, you certainly make life exciting."
Oh, yes, I'm going to make a marvelous addition to this family!