|My Own Worst Enemy
Author: Ahja Reyn PM
After a fight with Robin, Artemis ropes Wally into a bit of grocery shopping therapy. Unfortunately, things don't pan out as smoothly as planned.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Friendship - Wally W./Kid Flash & Artemis C./Artemis - Chapters: 5 - Words: 7,339 - Reviews: 49 - Favs: 51 - Follows: 43 - Updated: 03-21-12 - Published: 07-07-11 - Status: Complete - id: 7157400
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Title: My Own Worst Enemy
Disclaimer: All superhero characters are property of DC comics.
Warnings: I don't write het, I write slash. So to the Wally/Artemis fans, don't expect too much.
Author's Note: This was commissioned by Sarge (r3b3lliousr3b3l). She wanted Wally and Artemis on a mission, cut off from the rest of the team with one of them gravely injured. I skewed it a bit, but hopefully still manage to hit the important bits.
My Own Worst Enemy
Wally was bored. Normally this wasn't anything new thanks to him being a member of Team Flash (a snazzy name he coined himself that his mentor still gave him funny looks for), but it was unusual for him to feel this way when Robin was around.
Sure, he and the Boy Wonder had gotten into a rare fight that ended with Robin storming out of the room and Wally refusing to talk to pretty much anyone. He couldn't even remember why he had been angry in the first place, let alone what they had even been arguing about. But it was the principle of the matter! He refused to be the first to cave.
With a long, suffering sigh, Wally slumped further down onto the couch, his back now parallel with the floor and his head left crooked at an uncomfortable angle. He was bored, damn it! Maybe he should apologize. But Rob was probably either in his room, training, or helping Superboy work on the bikes, and all of those places were so far away.
Letting out another sigh, Wally slid completely off the couch and landed on the floor with a thud thanks to his forearm hitting the coffee table on the way down. Ow. Let this be proof that life truly hated him.
"If you feel that bad, you could seek him out and tell him you're sorry."
Wally jumped, his eyes darting to the opposite end of the couch. He had completely forgotten about Kaldur's presence during the fight. Or…before the—after, maybe?
Wally cleared his throat. "Heyyy, fearless leader. Uhm, how long have you been sitting there?"
Kaldur was clearly not amused.
Neither was Wally if he were to be honest with himself. About ten minutes ago his hand had actually drifted down to his lap as he seriously entertained the idea of masturbating out in the open. The guilt he felt over such a thought had him acquiescing to Kaldur's suggestion.
Rolling over onto his stomach, Wally dragged his body forward across the rug, intent on finding Robin and wringing an apology out of him even if it was the last thing he did. Three minutes later, after he had finally made it around the edge of the couch, he found himself at an impasse thanks to a red metallic foot.
Jumping to his feet, Wally promptly forgot that the last twenty minutes had even happened in favor of greeting his favorite robot.
"Hey, Big Red! Can I call you Big Red? I promise I'll stop calling you Big Red if you tell me you have a mission for us."
Wally liked to think the blank, robotic stare was one of fondness.
"Mission assignments are the Batman's responsibility," Red Tornado answered, his tone as neutral as ever. "But if you are as bored as Robin suggested you might be—"
"You spoke to Rob? Where is he? Is he still mad? Did he say anything about me?"
Wally's hopeful stare was lost on Red Tornado as he processed each of the rapid-fire questions. "He is in the docking bay helping Superboy repair the motorcycles. While I am no expert on human emotion, he did not seem angry. He said you might be interested in going grocery shopping with Artemis since he and Superboy are busy at the moment."
"Yes!" Wally snatched the proffered list and began scanning through it before abruptly pausing. "Wait, Artemis? Why would I want to go shopping with her?"
"To stop you from buying out the whole store seeing as how this is food we're dealing with." Artemis strolled into the room and calmly took the list from Wally's hands. "And before you even ask, Miss Martian is at cheerleading practice."
"I wasn't," Wally snapped, lying through his teeth. "Why can't someone practical go with me? Like Robin!"
"Because he is in the docking bay, helping Superboy repair the motorcycles." After staring at the speedster for a moment longer, Red Tornado promptly turned around and left before he could be asked any more redundant questions.
"Kaldur!" Wally whirled around, refusing to be deterred. "You've never been grocery shopping before, right? Let me show you how us land mammals do it!"
Setting the book he had been reading on the coffee table, Kaldur stood, presumably to follow Red Tornado's example. "It was Robin who suggested you go with Artemis. I am not about to get in the middle of this one."
And just like that, Wally remembered why he was mad at Robin in the first place. He turned to find Artemis grinning.
His eyes narrowed. "You're on his side, aren't you?"
Her smile grew decidedly more cat-like. "The whole nine yards," she admitted shamelessly, leading the way to the zeta tubes.
"—so as you can see, I am obviously the victim here!" Wally flung his arm out for emphasis, not noticing Artemis' quick side step into the street to avoid getting smacked. "This is a complete betrayal of the Bro Code that all us best friends live by! It's—it's like I've been brotrayed!"
"Right." Shoving Wally into the store's street-side entrance, Artemis grabbed a cart and wordlessly directed the boy to start pushing. "Do us all a favor and leave the made-up words to Rob."
Wally's mouth fell open in outrage as he obeyed and trailed after the blonde into the fresh produce aisle. "Oh, I get it. This is because you're on his side, isn't it? Sure, let's all favor Batman's sidekick and find it cute when he mutilates the English language. But when Flash's sidekick does it, it's a crime against humanity!"
Wally froze as he noticed an uncomfortable number of shoppers had stopped to stare at him in his lonely outburst thanks to Artemis being an impractical distance away, still looking at the carrots they had passed a whole six seconds ago.
"What?" he demanded as he turned the cart around. "Never heard of a sidekick referred to as 'cute' before?"
"You have one serious complex towards Robin, don't you?" Artemis chuckled as she dumped an armload of vegetables into the basket and began leading the way to the next aisle.
Wally's eyes narrowed. "I don't recall asking for your opinion on this matter."
"Please, I listened to you rant and moan the whole way here." She turned and sent him a sly smirk. "I'm more than entitled to voicing my opinion at this point."
Wally started grumbling in alliteration. Stupid womanly wiles. Retarded femme fatale. Artemis foul. Ooh! Pringles!
"Hey, can we get-?"
"No." Artemis didn't even spare a glance his way.
"But you didn't even—"
"Whatever it is, it's not on the list. Therefore, we're not getting it."
Scowling, Wally began to return the armload of various flavored tubes to their rightful place on the shelves. "Ro-er-Kaldur would let me get them," he complained softly.
Artemis scoffed as she returned to the cart with more random food items. "I highly doubt that. With the mood Rob's in, he'd say no just to spite you."
Wally's jaw dropped as he watched the girl walk away, throwing himself over the cart before he started to follow. "Okay, seriously, you really creep me out sometimes. Who are you?" he demanded, straightening up and sending a long, exasperated look at the fluorescent lights. "Maybe I'll ask Red Arrow. I'm sure he knows. And even if he doesn't, I can persuade him into launching a full-scale investigation. Wherever you go, every corner you peer around, we'll be there. Even the place we can't be. That's right. I'm talking about video surveillance in the shower. Oh yeah."
Artemis eventually turned and did a bit of a double take as she found Wally staring at her dreamily.
"Hey, what color are your towels?"
"Alright! Stop it! Go and get our stupid…whatever the hell it was!" She shuddered and threw a can of peas after the speedster for good measure. "Pervert!"
A/N: I love writing Wally. Just about as much as I love writing Robin. Thank you to all of you who took the time to read this so far!