Author: ExquisiteEdward PM
Bella has a less than stellar love life. That is, until a new neighbor moves in next door. But how long will it take her to overcome her hatred of the cocky, fast-talking, self-absorbed jerk? Humor, no angst. AH E/B.Rated: Fiction M - English - Romance/Humor - Edward & Bella - Chapters: 13 - Words: 87,027 - Reviews: 1,009 - Favs: 876 - Follows: 1,255 - Updated: 02-10-13 - Published: 07-23-11 - id: 7210123
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: I'm back! Long time no see. I won't give you any lame excuses. ;)
Thanks to Lfcpam for reading this over for me.
If you don't have a copy of Color of Loneliness, drop me a PM and I'll make sure you get one. I want all of my fanfic friends to have a free copy. It's only $.99 on Amazon and Smashwords for the month of February. Make sure to spread the word.
SM owns Twilight.
Edward had the sweetest smile on his beautiful, slightly swelled lips. He looked so delicious with that happy glow on his gorgeous face that only comes from just getting your rocks off. In Gucci pants.
I could hear Jack's heavy breathing next to us and couldn't believe he'd slept through our entire dirty dry hump. Edward tried to turn his head to check on him, and that's when I realized I still had a death grip on his poor luscious locks. So I reluctantly let go. And prayed like hell that clumps of his beautiful hair wouldn't still be in my hands when I looked at them.
He looked over at Jack and then back down at me. And smiled again. And that's when the SpongeBob Band-Aid on his forehead came partially loose and was just kind of half hanging there. All I could do was focus on Patrick's goofball face and big buck teeth. So as I grinned all loon-like up at him, a loud and horrifically embarrassing snort popped out of my mouth. Or I should say more like my nose. It was not pretty. I was completely mortified and somehow it triggered an avalanche of uncontrollable giggles to fly from my lips because I could not believe that I'd slipped an animal call right after the hottest dry humping make-out session in the history of dry humps.
"Did you just snort?" he whisper-asked, his eyes bubbling with laughter. And that dumb Band-Aid flopped a little on his forehead like Patrick just gave me a little wave. And I lost it. My face scrunched up and I giggled like I'd lost my mind.
Edward chuckled. "Why are you laughing?" he whispered, still grinning. He wasn't mad; he just looked excited, like he wanted in on the action. But I couldn't tell him because I couldn't breathe. And because his hot, long body was squashing the hell out of me and because I kept cackling like a hen trying to lay a dozen eggs. All at the same time.
Tears started squeezing out of the corners of my eyes and running down into my hair. I thought I might need to be airlifted to the hospital because I was dying. Crick in side, couldn't breathe, crying dying. I wanted to shout at Edward to call 911, but I was completely incapacitated. I thought about holding up my fingers and flashing the numbers 9-1-1 at him sign-language style, but my hands were cramping from all that death-grip hair holding I'd just done while our crotches exploded.
And apparently I was deadly – carrying around some disease-catching contagion – because Edward caught it. And let out a surprisingly loud snort of his own. But his snort was not at all disgusting and animal-like like mine was. His was pornographic and made me think of Triple N on a farm. Or rather him doing me on a farm. Near a farm. Inside my farm. So he laughed and snickered right along with me, having no clue what I was giggling about, which was adorable and made me laugh even harder. And love him even more.
I wiped my eyes and wheezed like I had emphysema with a side of COPD. Edward buried his head in my neck, continuing to chuckle. I started moaning from the agony – and maybe a little because of what his hot, breathy laughter against my skin was doing to me – as I wrapped my arms around his neck and closed my eyes tight. I tried my hardest to not hear Patrick's voice in my head. Or envision his pink cone-head dangling off of Edward's forehead.
"Oh, God," I whisper-moaned just before I giggled again. "I'm dying."
Edward lifted his head and his eyes were all watery green. "I'm dying too. And I don't know what the hell we're laughing about," he whispered before he did this cute little snicker-snort thing.
As fast as I could, I snatched Patrick off his forehead and stuck it to his shirt. "That's what we're laughing at." He looked down at his shirt and then back up at me and grinned, his eyes all wet and shiny. The green in them was even more stunningly beautiful than usual. They reminded me of the crystal green color of the Caribbean when the sun glints against it.
I reached my hand up and got ahold of the Band-Aid across his cheek and ripped that sucker off as fast as I could. "Ow! Fuck," he whisper-shouted as he reached up and grabbed his face, acting like he was dying. "That hurt."
"No, it didn't. It hurts worse if you do it slow."
He dropped his hand, and I saw a small, devilish smirk on his big, tasty lips. "Do it slow?" he repeated, cocking an eyebrow at me. "It definitely won't hurt if we do it slow."
"Ugh, how old are you?" I said. But then it hit me. I had no idea how old this man was that had just happily messed his trousers between my legs.
He smirked and shrugged like 'oops, I can't help my incredibly sexy, perverted self' while all of my insecurities jumped up and bitch slapped me across the face. "No," I whispered as I grabbed his shirt in my fists. "Really. How old are you? I don't even know how old you are, and we just did all this stuff on the floor and-"
Triple N had the most delicious way of shutting me up. With his hot mouth. I decided that I might need to talk around him incessantly. Because I really enjoyed getting shut up by that mouth.
My hands were in his hair again, but this time I just ran my fingers gently through his soft locks. Because I'm sure his poor scalp had to be tender. His mouth was gentle his yummy lips soft and sweet as they moved against mine.
"I'm twenty-eight," he whispered against my mouth.
I made some weird groaning, humming, gurgling sound in response relieved that at least I knew how old Triple N was before I began to violate his mouth with my tongue.
He must have liked my acts of violation against him because he groaned and the kiss intensified as he slipped his hand up my dress and along my bare thigh again. I could feel his brat hardening against me.
I gasped and pushed his mouth away. "Are you…?" I mumbled between heavy breaths as my eyebrows shot up into my hairline.
He grinned all proud-like. "Using your eloquent turn of phrase – since my brat is so close to your bun, he wants to make his acquaintance."
I giggled a little because I liked hearing him talk like me. "You want to…?"
"Yeah," he whispered immediately his expression very serious as he nodded vigorously.
I stared up at him for a long moment. I didn't sleep around like my slutty BFF Rose did because I had to have feelings for a man before I slept with him. But clearly I couldn't use that as an excuse with Edward anymore since I was in love with the man. But what did he feel for me? I knew he couldn't feel the same way. He didn't even know me. I knew he found me intriguing – or bewitching as he'd said before. But it was probably only because he found my brand of crazy to be fascinating.
For some reason, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was going to get hurt. Edward didn't seem like the relationship type especially since he slept with women like that slutknuckle realtor of his. I was a relationship kind of girl. Edward would never want to have a relationship with someone as nutzoid as me. And then it hit me. Why was I even thinking about having sex with him? I couldn't have sex with the sex god of all sex gods. I'd never measure up. So the longer I stared up at him, the more freaked out I got.
"I need to get up," I mumbled as I pushed on his chest and tried to scooch out from underneath him.
"I need to put Jack to bed. And you've got jizz in your pants."
He stared down at me with a big frowny indentation in his forehead, but he did move. I quickly jumped up and smoothed my dress down and patted my hair a bit. He got up and stood awkwardly with a grossed-out look on his face like he had a big wad of cum in his jockeys. Which he did.
"I'm going to…" I said as I waved my hand towards Jack. "Can you let yourself out?" I didn't wait for him to answer; I leaned down and picked Jack up, laying his little sleepy head on my shoulder.
"Can I come back over?" he asked.
"No. Not tonight. I'm kind of tired."
"Bella? What's going on?"
"Nothing," I said as I walked towards the stairs. "Can you lock the door behind you?"
Edward mumbled something, but I couldn't make it out. I opened the baby gate and headed upstairs. I got Jack ready for bed and kissed him on his velvety soft cheek before laying him in his bed and tucking the covers around him. I ran my fingers through his beautiful blond curls a few times before turning the light out and closing the door.
I stepped into my bedroom, slipped off my dress and tugged on some sweats and a ratty T. I went back downstairs and stuck my head in the laundry room. "There's my baby boo-boo," I said to Diablo in one of those putrid, babyfied voices I had down pat. "I love my sweet 'ums, my sweetie pumpkin pie." He acted like he hadn't seen me in five years. I grabbed him and brought his wiggling little body up to my face. He got so overzealous that he almost licked a layer of skin off my face.
I giggled. "Oh, I love you too, baby cakes. I wubs my wittle Diabwo."
I let him outside and grabbed a lite beer from the fridge. Sitting down, I took a drink. I had a lot of things to think about. My first concern was that I needed to research the symptoms of bi-polar disorder because how could I go from realizing I loved Edward to kicking his fine ass out of my house? There was something very wrong with my brain.
I took another drink and heard a knock on the door. I rolled my eyes and kept drinking. And Edward kept knocking. I got up and let Diablo back in. I took another drink before I slowly made my way towards the front door while Diablo almost went berserk at my feet. I opened the door about two inches and put my eyeball up to it. "I told you not to come over."
He gave me that panty-disintegrating smirk and cocked an eyebrow at me. "I don't listen very well."
"You can't come in. I don't have on a bra."
The pervert's eyes dipped to my chest but he couldn't see anything through the small crack in the door. "Then I most definitely have to come in."
"I'm serious. I need some time to think."
"Think about what? There's nothing to think about, Bella. Now let me in."
I stared at him for a long moment before I sighed heavily and reluctantly opened the door. Diablo looked like he'd just won the doggy lottery. He was literally leaping into the air, trying to jump into Edward's arms. "Hey, buddy," Edward said with a smile as he bent down and petted him. Diablo went nuts. I was starting to get a little jealous.
Edward had changed into jeans, a white V-neck T-shirt and flip flops. It made no sense that he could look so fucking sexy. He just knew how to wear clothes; even the simplest of clothing he could make look hot. And I loved seeing his bare feet. There was just something so attractive about it. Even though they were pasty white and it looked like they'd never seen a minute of sunshine ever. I just somehow found every inch of the man to be perfect perfection.
He stood and eyed me from head to toe, his eyes lingering on my chest. I frowned and crossed my arms over my boobs. He smirked and stalked towards me. I backed up... and kept backing up until my back smacked against the wall. He pressed his body against me and slid his fingers into my hair. "Mm, I missed you," he said before he leaned down and started attacking my neck with his lips. My eyes rolled into the back of my head.
"You just saw me. Five minutes ago," I said in breathy voice.
He made a humming sound against my neck. "I know. That's too long," he mumbled before he kissed and sucked along my neck, ear and collarbone.
Some seriously embarrassing porno moans slipped out of me. With my eyes closed, I leaned my head back, angling my neck just right so that he had perfect access. "What are you doing?" I asked, my voice sounding weak and pathetic.
"Getting reacquainted with your luscious skin," he said before gently biting on my neck.
The man was going to be the cause of my demise. It was pure ecstasy. But it didn't take long for me to come to my senses.
"Wait," I said as I tried to push him away but he didn't budge an inch. "We can't have sex."
He ran his tongue up the length of my neck and I shivered. Literally shivered. All over. He sucked my earlobe in his mouth. "Why not?" he casually asked like he wasn't the least bit concerned about it, rubbing his nose against my ear and breathing all heavy into it. I shivered again.
"Because," I said, my traitor hands going to his pecs and squeezing a little. I had no control over those puppies. "I'll get attached."
"Mmm… attached?" His nose was in my hair and he sniffed, making a deep humming sound like he liked what he smelled. And I liked what he was doing. Which was weird because I didn't think sniffing was sexy. But Triple N made it sexy.
I cleared my throat because I knew if I tried to talk, my voice would be husky and pornoish. "Yes, attached. I'll get horribly attached to you and you don't want that. Haven't you seen that I have attachment issues?"
He pulled away from my neck and cradled my face in his hands and kissed me, sucking my lower lip into his mouth. He just kind of rolled it around, nibbling and sucking gently and making my knees get all weak and wobbly. "What kind of issues?" he whispered against my lips before his mouth started trailing down my neck again. My breathing was embarrassing. It sounded like I needed a refill on my oxygen tank. I leaned my head back against the wall again and closed my eyes and panted for a moment. My mind was fried because I had no idea what he was talking about.
"What?" I asked like a clueless moron.
His tongue traced the outline of my ear. "You said you had attachment issues?" he said, before kissing down my neck.
"Oh. Right." I cleared my throat and tried to get my brain cells aligned again. I pushed on him. He pulled away enough to look at me but still kept me pressed against the wall. "Attachment issues. Yeah. I have major attachment issues. Have you not seen how attached I am to my ugly dog?" I looked around the room for Diablo and saw that he was curled up in a ball on the couch sound asleep. "And my niece and nephew? Don't even get me started on that. I have a fully furnished nursery in my house for children that aren't even my own." My voice kept getting higher and higher like I was sucking helium. "My house is even baby proofed. I have a toy closet for Christ's sake. And don't forget Pearl. I tried to attach myself to a half-dead squirrel lying on the side of the road."
He just grinned and dove in for my neck again. "Earl?" he asked against my ear, breathing his hot breath against it. "How is Earl?"
"It's not Earl. It's Pearl. Earl was a girl so it's Pearl. And she's fine. They're going to release her. When she gets well."
"No, it's Earl," he said again. I could feel him grinning. "He'll always be Earl."
I giggled. "She's Pearl, you idiot."
He chuckled as he made his way across my jawline and kissed the corner of my mouth. "So you think you'll get attached to me?" he asked against my mouth before grabbing my hands and lifting them above my head against the wall, entwining our fingers together. Then he put his mouth so close to mine, just barely touching, his heated breath washing all over my lips. It was sexual voodoo. That shit was powerful. My eyes felt heavy as my mouth dropped open and my panties flooded.
"Yes…" I said and the porno voice was back again. It was so embarrassing.
He rubbed his body all up against mine. My nipples were so taut and pointy I was afraid they might slice right through my shirt. And I could feel the brat. It was hot. And hard. Really hard. I groaned when he moved his lips to my neck again. I heaved in some huge lungfuls of air. I needed to get control of myself.
"I'll get attached. It'll be ugly. You're so attachable. You reek of attachableness."
"You didn't seem too attached to your boyfriend."
"I tried to be attached to him even though I knew he was a total loser. He had zero attachable qualities yet I stayed with him for two years. This is all my mother's fault. She abandoned me. She's the reason I'm like this."
He lowered our hands and cradled my face again, rubbing his thumb against my cheek. "So what will you do if you become 'attached' to me?" he asked, staring into my eyes.
"Terrible things. I'll get clingy. Super clingy. I'll want you with me all the time. Like every available minute. Then I'll go all neurotic on you and probably want you to move in with me. Like right away. You'd have to move in with me because no way would I ever move into that house of yours since you banged that whorebag there. I'm sorry but I'd really like to burn your house down."
He busted out laughing.
"It's not funny. I mean it. I hate that you did all of that stuff with her. I'd actually like to lock her in the house before I burn it down."
"God, you're fucking cute when you're jealous," he said, grinning happily.
I frowned and stuck out my lower lip. "No, I'm not. Now listen, I have more to say."
He kept smiling. "I'm listening," he said, rubbing his thumb over my bottom lip and staring at my lips. He was totally not listening.
"I'll drop the L word," I said quick-like and boy did that get his attention. His thumb froze and his eyes were all on mine now. And they were intense. I nodded. "Like all the time. I'll drown you in it. And then I'll start thinking really awful things like the M word and the B word – I do have a nursery upstairs all ready to go. And then when you get sick of me smothering you to death and you dump me, I'll probably stalk you. I never knew I was a voyeur until you moved in so I probably have crazy stalker tendencies inside me lying dormant caused by my bitch of a mother and your super hotness. So you see? We cannot sleep together."
A smug little smile crept up on his lips. "So you want to drop the L word?"
"Yes. Did you not hear what I said?"
"When? When would you drop it?"
"I don't know. All I know is that I'd do it way too early and at some completely inappropriate moment like now and freak you out."
He grinned from ear to ear. I frowned. "Why are you smiling? You should be running for the hills."
"You are the strangest, most incredibly beautiful woman I've ever met. And you're completely crazy."
"I've been trying to tell you that!"
He chuckled and kissed my lips softly. "But see, there are some things you don't know about me."
"I also have attachment issues."
"No, you don't."
"Yes, I do."
He smashed his lips against mine and kissed me hard. "Now shut up and let me talk."
I nodded and shut up.
"I find you to be extremely attachable," he said before softly kissing me. I loved hearing him say that. So I moaned a little. "And when I get attached to someone? I also like spending every minute with them," he said before moving his lips next to my ear. "Preferably in bed."
"Holy shit," I groaned and rubbed myself against his brat.
He hummed against my skin. "And don't think you can scare me off with the L word. When I feel the L word for someone, which is rare, I love saying it. Over and over."
I just let out this big, long 'mmmmmmmm' sound.
He kissed my collarbones and the little hollow in my neck then trailed his mouth back up to my ear. "And the M and B words?" he whispered.
I simply nodded because I could just feel the pornographic sounds perched on the tip of my tongue ready to spew if I so much as opened my lips.
"I've thought of those words… with you."
And I swear to god, I had a mini orgasm. Right on the spot. I had no control over myself. Weird squeaking giggly noises popped out of me along with a few moans. There was no stopping it. Because when you have the sexiest man you've ever laid eyeballs on tell you that he's thought of marriage and babies with you, you react. Pervertedly. Viscerally. Orgasmically.
We continued kissing against the wall until my growling stomach interrupted us. We were both starving since we didn't get to eat dinner. We dug through my fridge and ate some leftovers. Afterwards, we ended up on the couch and made out for I don't know how long. He never went for my braless tits, which I have to say surprised me. But he did look at them. A lot. And made sure to rub his chest against them. A lot. So I guess he did get to feel them. I touched and kissed every inch of his face and neck. And judging from the groans and grunts that came from him, I think he liked it as much as I did. My favorite spot was his collarbones that peeked out from his V-neck. I loved the little wiry hairs he had scattered there. It drove me crazy.
I'm not sure when but eventually I fell asleep. Only to wake up with a start. I jerked all over and my heart pounded like crazy. I was so thankful to find myself wrapped up in Edward's arms. We were facing each other, my back against the couch and my head resting on his shoulder. His mouth was hanging open a little and he was making this cute little wheezing sound.
I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes and began to think about what had woken me up. It was a dream. No, not a dream… a fucking nightmare. Edward and I had been in this huge church with stained glass windows everywhere. We were standing at the altar and he looked absolutely stunning in a perfectly tailored black tuxedo. I didn't know how we had gotten there but we were obviously tying the knot. But it was weird because instead of a priest marrying us, it was a nun. A really ugly nun. I couldn't stop staring at the huge hairy wart on her chin.
But when she said, "Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?" in a really deep man's voice, I immediately looked at Edward. He was grinning down at me looking so happy. And just as he opened his mouth to respond, there was this huge crashing sound. I looked up and saw the big banana yellow Cooter Intruder barreling right towards us. It had crashed through the church doors sending debris flying everywhere. It bounced over the pews like one of those big monster trucks do at a monster truck rally. I just stood there frozen unable to move a muscle. It came to a screeching halt just inches away from me. I looked down and screamed when I saw Edward's pasty white feet sticking out from underneath the truck. And for some reason, his legs were bare. I couldn't figure out where his shoes and beautiful tuxedo went because he was somehow naked underneath that truck.
The passenger side door made this weird hissing sound and white smoke came pouring out of it. Then it opened up like the DeLorean did in the movie Back to the Future. And out stepped Rose wearing a wedding dress. "Bellabitch? You aren't getting married today," she yelled as she held up a bouquet of flowers. "I am."
Then Emmett jumped out of the truck from behind her. And I do mean literally jumped. He wore yellow bicycle shorts with a matching yellow mask. And he had on a hat that was shaped like a banana. "Let's get it on," he roared as he flexed his muscles and then put the nun in a choke hold.
Yeah, it was bad. I don't know how I didn't wake up screaming bloody murder. But I knew why I'd had that dream. I was going to have to eat crow and call my BFF and have a little conversation. And I sure as hell didn't want to. Because even though I'd practically proposed to Edward and said I wanted to have his babies, I still somehow felt justified that our situations were different. I'd known Edward longer. Of course not that much longer but still longer. And Edward was smart and perfect and Emmett was wacko and missing a few screws.
So I said a quick prayer begging God to keep the nightmares away and snuggled closer to Edward. He groaned a little and shifted, throwing his leg up over top of both of my legs. I giggled because the man was completely smashing me. And yet I loved it. And it wasn't long before I fell asleep again. And I had another dream. But this time I dreamed Edward and I had sex in a tree house. And it was good. It was all good.
A/N: Hope you liked it. I love you all. ;))) See you soon.