I feel like I'm drowning. Danni, Mac, Pete and Oscar; it used to be enough.
THEY used to be enough. Oscar and I, we used to be close. You know how with
some people you can just sit with them for hours and come away feeling like
you had the most deep and meaningful conversation, without actually having
said anything? We used to be like that, now I can barely stand to be in the
same room as him. Where did it all go wrong? Sometimes I feel so lonely.
It's been so long since I've had someone's arms around me, played with
someone else's fingers, just held someone else's hand. Sometimes the
loneliness is so suffocating, claustrophobic, consuming and all I want to
do is stop and scream. But it's not like anyone would hear me. And all this
business with Sam just made it worse. I can't believe Oscar did that! How
COULD he! He had no right to do that, but just like I said to him, one day
I'll be there when he least expected, just for him. And when that day
comes, he's gonna realise just how much he hurt me. We used to be a team,
the perfect match, almost like the dream team of undercover. Things were
getting better between us, since all that stuff with the backpacker and
what he said to her, but now, now I don't even know if I can trust him
again. This is going to affect our work, I know it, but I don't know how to
fix it. He doesn't have a clue how much he hurt me, how deep this runs.
He's completely ignorant to the fact that I can't even face him without my
eyes welling up with tears. I wish I had someone to talk to too. Mac is
never around anymore, and Pete and Danni, well they just lost a child
together! I'm not about to go and put this on them, that's not fair. Danni
did come to me and ask if I was okay, but I couldn't speak. I felt so rude,
just walking away from her, but I think she understands. I hope she does at
least. I need some time off I think. I want to do so much with my life, and
none of it is happening. I know it never will unless I do something about
it and now is a good a time as any. But if I did leave, wouldn't I just be
running away from things? I feel like I am. But I need something else.
Something different. Something more that this…