|Gotham Chronicles: Mayored to the Mafia
Author: Wormtail96 PM
Fanmake of Simpsons episode, "Mayored to the Mob". After saving Daniel Radcliff and Mayor Daffy from a chaotic convention, Mordecai and Rigby become the Gotham Mayor's new bodyguards. But things go south when they clash with the city's mafia...Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Crime - Chapters: 5 - Words: 13,921 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 3 - Updated: 08-18-11 - Published: 07-26-11 - Status: Complete - id: 7221655
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
(A/N) Okay, here's the final chapter, the epic conclusion to this fanmake. Enjoy.
Mayored to the Mafia
Led into the theatre, Mordecai and Rigby escorted Mayor Daffy to his table and as Mordecai sat there with him, Rigby walked silently through the dark theatre. His job was to scan the perimeter, more specifically the patrons, searching for any indication of trouble.
The collective patrons of the dinner theatre ranged from the honest citizen enjoying a night out to the shadiest scum in the city. He spotted characters such as Bad Bill the Gila monster, Homer Simpson getting into a fight with a waiter much to the embarrassment of his family, and even a young anthromorphic cactus mouse sitting by herself at a table. So far, nothing worthy of any concern and was about to turn back to the table when he saw something on the wall.
It was a couple of framed photo headshots hanging from the wall under the sign 'Tonight'. One was of the actor Daniel Radcliff and the other of a juicy well-cooked stake. They read underneath, 'Daniel Radcliff is Nathan Detroit' and 'Pepper stake is the Entrée'.
"Wow…that looks like some damn good pepper stake. I'm getting that."
Meanwhile, back at the table, a waiter delivered Daffy his dinner, including a large pepper steak and au gratin potatoes, and poured Mordecai a tall drink of cider.
Daffy picked up his knife and fork and licked his lips, saying, "Ah, au gratin potatoes. Now that's a quality side." Mordecai lifted his glass in agreement and took a drink.
As the mayor was about to take a bite from the potatoes, Rigby happened to be looking over at the scene at the time. At first, he thought nothing of it, but something then hit him. In his gruelling two weeks of training, Yosemite Sam continued to pound into him the threat of poisoned food during lessons on assassination methods, that it sort of became a Pavlov situation for the racoon.
Panicking, Rigby got on all fours and sprinted over to the mayor, then leapt through the air over the table, screaming an over-the-top, "Nooooooo!" Just in time, he the potatoes clean off Daffy's fork. Landed on the floor and chewing them, he declared, "Hmm, potatoes are clean. The poison must be in the stake!" He snatched away Daffy's utensils and began eating some of the stake, having himself a bit more than necessary, until Mordecai irritably grabbed and hauled him away from the table.
"What are you doing, you idiot?" He hissed when they were a few feet away.
"I was just checking if there was any poison."
"Yeah, well, you checked. Now let's leave the Mayor be for five minutes." Mordecai said as they walked off towards the bar. "Besides, that punk waiter forgot to give me my peanuts."
Soon enough, the show began and the cast performed the first of many, MANY bad musical numbers. They were singing "Guys and Dolls" to the tune of "Hooray for Hollywood".
"Guys and dolls! We're just a bunch of crazy guys and dolls!
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, guys and dolls..."
Meanwhile, backstage, the "star" of that night's production, Daniel Radcliff, who was again dressed as Harry freaking Potter, was having a talk with one of the show's "producers". Oddly enough, said "producer" was wearing a cook's outfit.
"This is a conceptual nightmare! I mean, Nathan Detroit would never wear this," Daniel complained incredulously, tugging at his Hogwarts robes. He then pointed behind himself at current musical number. "And this song isn't even in the show!"
"I don't have time for this. I got seventy-five shortcakes to strawberry. Now get out there, Potter!"
Daniel sighed heavily, struggled to put on a fake smile and then walked out on stage to join in the singing of the "Guys and Dolls" song, swinging his wand leisurely about, the other singers backing him up. Poor bloke was really struggling now he was post-Harry Potter. Tsk, tsk…
Back at the table, the bodyguards had re-joined the mayor, and were all enjoying the show a bit more than any person of average intelligence should. However, this led to the fatal flaw of not noticing one of the patrons leaving their table and heading to the stage behind the curtains.
The cactus mouse girl, who wore a white and black dress and a large black hat and her hair done up in two braids, was carrying a black briefcase as she climbed the steps backstage. She set it down, opened it up a bit and peered inside. Two loaded pistols were tucked away in foam moulds. She took them out, checked each cartridge and tucked them away in her large hat.
She took a walkie talkie from the case, dialled a number and spoke into it in an adorable southern accent, "Agent G, this is Priscilla. I am ready to commence operation: shit through a goose. I request your permission to proceed. Over."
"Rodger Priscilla, this is Agent G. You have full permission to proceed when ready. Over."
"Rodger that, Agent G. Over."
As she put the walkie talkie away and locked the briefcase, the producer who Daniel was talking with prior came up to her, asking her sternly, "Uh, can I help you, kid?"
The cactus mouse known as Priscilla put her hands together and answered, "I'm one of the dancers. I'm in the number after this."
"Oh…well, alright then. You're just in time. It's just about to start."
Meanwhile, on stage, Radcliff, now wearing a top hat with his already ridiculous costume, was performing yet another butchered number, the one which Priscilla was talking about.
"Harry, be a Wizard tonight! Just be a Wizard tonight!"
He was then backed by the chorus, "Do it for Dobby, while we all go to the lobby."
"Uh, and do it for Hegwig and the Thestrals, and all the other CGI bullshit..."
"Harry, be a Wizard tonight!"
All of a sudden, the spotlight turned on and Priscilla came dancing onto the stage, shoving Daniel aside and hogging the light for herself. At first, she came off as doing ballet, but within the blink of an eye, she changed style immediately to break dancing to trashy techno music.
"Whoa! That kid up there sure can dance, huh?" Mordecai asked in awe to Rigby and Daffy.
"Heeey, isn't she the kid I saw at a table, earlier?" Rigby narrowed his eyes both confused and suspicious. "In fact, what would a young kid be doing in a dinner theatre all by herself? Don't make any sense."
"Ssshh! Quiet, you two." Daffy whispered to them. "This is the best part."
Finishing her act, Priscilla did a knee slide to centre stage, earning herself wild applause from the audience. Yet Daniel Radcliff was not laughing or cheering. This was his show. He was the star here. And now he was being upstaged by what had to be a nine-year-old girl. He took her aside.
"Hey, kid." He warned her angrily. "That's my headshot up there next to the pepper steak, and don't you forget it."
Priscilla simply scoffed and flicked her braid, "Pfft! You're all talk, Radcliff! You never even finished wizard school!" Immediately, she whipped her pistol out from under her hat, cocked it and fired it in Radcliff's face.
The actor screamed and covered his face as she stumbled back into a Barbershop backdrop, causing it to collapse on him and the glass to break. Jumping onto the mayor's table, Priscilla pulled out both pistols and shouted to the shocked mayor, aiming the pistols at his face, "Show's over, Mayor!"
"Look out!" Rigby slid on the table in between Priscilla's legs and pushed the mayor away. He spun and kicked her arms way when she took her first shots. "Mordecai, protect the mayor!" As Mordecai tackled Daffy and kept him under the table to protect him, Priscilla and Rigby fought each other and their struggle sent them off the table and rolling across the floor, making her loose one of the pistols.
The two were quickly caught in a life and death lock with the racoon grabbing the mouse's wrists and she continued to fire at random.
"Gimme that gun!"
"No, it's mine!" She was turning her wrist and the firing end of her pistol dangerous close to Rigby's face.
Crawling out from the wreckage of the backdrop, a bleeding and broken Daniel Radcliff forced himself down the stage to edge. Priscilla merely winged his head, causing blood to trail down to his shoulder. When he reached the edge, he shouted some advice over to Rigby.
"Rigby! Use the for-"
"No, you buffoon! The fork! Use the fork!"
Rigby looked to his left and, releasing his grip on Priscilla's wrists, picked up a sharp silver fork and pointed it menacingly in her face. "Ah-ha!" What followed was a short moment of silence, before an unimpressed Priscilla slapped the fork away and punched Rigby in the face, knocking him back.
"Oh well, he tried." Daniel shrugged and lowered his exhausted head over the stage edge.
Priscilla got up on her feet and pointed her pistol menacingly in Rigby's face, asking him lowly as she pulled back the hammer, "Any last words, weasel face?"
Her face froze with a stunned expression and stood in place for a moment before collapsing to the floor, semi-unconscious and groaning. Rigby looked up to see Mordecai standing there, holding a now broken chair.
"Yeah," The blue jay dropped the chair and lit and smoked a cigarette and said with a badass expression, "Suck it, bitch!"
The two then high-fived each other before they turned their attention to the injured cactus mouse, after which they glared and nodded to each other. They pulled up their sleeves and hauled her out the dinner theatre by the shoulders to the back of the building.
So did they do to her back there? Cuff her up and call the police to arrest her? Let her go with a warning never to try such a stunt again? No, they just proceeded to beat the ever-loving crap out of her! Jesus…
"Ya like that? Huh, do ya? That's what we call 'Street Justice'!"
When they were finally done and Mordecai was busy calling the police to pick the severely beaten Priscilla up, Rigby was shot his fits up in the air and did a victory dance.
"YES! WE DID IT! WE BEAT UP A LITTLE GIRL!"
Mordecai closed his cellphone and low-fived Rigby, saying, "Yeah. Nobody messes with the mayor when Mordecai and Rigby are on-"
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
They ran to the front of the dinner theatre just in time to see Bad Bill and his band of goons running out the theatre and into a truck that just pulled up. It took off before either could catch up to it.
Already having a good idea what had just happened, Mordecai and Rigby looked at each other and gulped and ran into the theatre, through the reception and into the chaotic theatre. There, their worst fears were confirmed.
Mayor Daffy Duck lay there dead, his table overturned, its cloth over his body and a massive gunshot wound on his neck where a growing pool of blood formed. There were also a couple of bleeding shot wounds on his chest.
They stood there, looking over the body of their dead boss horror-stricken, until Rigby asked Mordecai simply, "Do you think we'll still get our pay cheque?"
After what would obviously become known as the "Daffy Duck Assassination", the Dinner Theatre cancelled that night's production and shut down. It soon turned out that Bad Bill and co. were the backup plan if Priscilla were to fail in her assassination. The Penguin always thought two steps ahead and this sure proved it.
Luckily for the dinner theatre, Daffy's death and Daniel Radcliff's near death experience there would actually do them and Radcliff a hell of a lot more good than bad, business and publicity wise. It did not do so well for Mordecai and Rigby, however, who received a furious phone call from Yosemite Sam after the theatre closed and police took their statements. Sam immediately cut up their licences and informed them that they "wouldn't bodyguard in this city never again". So before they knew what hit them, their careers as bodyguards went down the toilet.
After finding out said crushing news, the two best friends sat down in the closed dinner theatre on the edge of the stage where Radcliff was nearly killed. Their ties and shirt collars were undone and they having themselves a bottle of cider with which to drown their miseries.
Whilst they were drinking themselves numb, neither at first noticed Daniel Radcliff, who had a lot of bandages tied over his head, along with Benson approaching them.
"Hey guys, how're you doing?" Benson asked them nonchalantly, his hands tucked in his tan coat pockets.
"Oh, we're just walking on sunshine, dancing through rainbows – Dude, how do you THINK we're doing?" Mordecai groaned irritably and ran his wings over his head.
"Relax, you idiot. I was being rhetorical," Benson rolled his eyes. "Look, I just came over to tell you guys that, in foreseeing something like this would happen, you can have your old jobs back."
Rigby raised an eyebrow, "What, you mean we lost them in the first place?"
"Well, duh! You actually thought you could be both bodyguards to the mayor and groundskeepers at the same time? Get real! I was hiring a temp guy while you were busy playing guards. Nice guy, but that's another story." Benson zipped up his coat, turned around and walked towards the exit, telling them as he did, "I'll see you both at the house in the morning…freaking idiots are lucky I still them sleep at…" His grumbling faded off as he vanished through the reception area.
"Well…I think the more important question is how YOU'RE doing, Daniel." Mordecai stated, Rigby and him looking over at the injured actor, who was carrying his coat over his shoulder.
"Ah, the doctor said I'm gonna be fine. That psycho kid only winged the side of my head. He also said I was electric as Nathan Detroit." He put his hand on Mordecai's shoulder. "What did you guys think of me?"
"Actually, you were luminous, magnetic..." Rigby sighed and then waved his hand in mid-air. "Incandescent."
"Cheer up, mate. Personally, I think you two made great bodyguards."
This perked the two up considerably, making them smile a bit and the racoon inquired, "Seriously? I mean, you'd say we were, like…magnetic?"
"Absolutely," The actor replied with a literal twinkle in his whitened teeth.
"Thanks, Dude," Mordecai shook his hand in appreciation. "Coming from you, that really means a lot."
Walking out the backstage door, the trio came across a crowd of people, from fan boys to reporters, all begging for Daniel's attention regarding either himself in general or the events that night. There had to be at least three hundred people there so getting through it alone would be near enough impossible.
"Ugh!" Daniel rubbed his sinuses in aggravation. This was the LAST thing he needed tonight. He looked at his friends and said, "Mordecai, Rigby, I think you both know what to do."
Shrugging to each other a basic 'ah, fuck it', Mordecai picked Daniel up in his wings just as he did about a month ago and proceeded to carry him through the crowd with Rigby leading them. As they did, the blue jay and racoon kicked, punched, stabbed and even shot a few of the excited citizens. After all, they may have taken their licences, but they still had their suits, sunglasses and most of all, their 'pieces'…
So that's the story; wraps her all up. Things seem to have worked out pretty well for the Mordecai and Rigby and it was a pretty wacky chronicle of Gotham, one those two will definitely recall in their elder years, don't you think? Made me laugh to beat the band, parts anyway and I'm the fucker who wrote this shit. Course, not too pretty seeing Daffy going out the way he did. But hey, that's Comedy for you, eh? It makes you laugh your ass off, and then Bam! Tragedy and Drama comes crashing down on you like white on rice in a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm. Ah, fuck it, I'm rambling again. Hope you folks enjoyed yourselves and just remember, they're thousands of Gotham Chronicles and I know, uh, about one hundred and sixty-two of 'em. Anyway, let's sign off with the song from the hit motion picture, 'The Body Guard'…
And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I, I will always love you.
You, darling, I love you.
Ooh, I'll always, I'll always love you.
(A/N) Okay, everyone, that's my first Gotham chronicle done and I look forward to doing more in the future. Of course, many will be fanmakes based off episodes of popular sitcoms, so if you have any suggestions, lemme know. Read and review.
P.s. If you know which film the final speech was based on, you have my undying respect.
P.s.s I've altered the beginning of the first chapter to match the ending here. So do check that out.