SPIDER-MAN AND BATMAN DEBATE DC VS. MARVEL
BY
SHMUEL BREBAN

FADE IN:

INT. LARGE AUDITORIUM

Marvel characters sit on the right side of the auditorium, and their DC counterparts sit on the left, while SPIDER-MAN and BATMAN stand center stage and engage in a debate moderated by COMIC BOOK GUY. The Marvel and DC characters cheer for their representative when appropriate.

COMIC BOOK GUY

And after having correctly prognosticated an intricate series of commemorative Marvel and DC coin flip tosses, designed by myself, and using coins from my personal collection, Spider-Man has elected toweb the first salvo of what is certain to prove-

SPIDER-MAN

Look, it's simple, okay? Marvel's always doing things to bring in new readers. His company hasn't created an important character in 20 years!

BATMAN

I don't need my batcomputer to tell me that adding the word "Ultimate" doesn't make a character new.

SPIDER-MAN

Well, at least my little fella was a success. How's All Star Batman doing?

BATMAN

What?

SPIDER-MAN

All Star Batman.

BATMAN

I don't know what that is.

SPIDER-MAN

You're in the book.

BATMAN

I don't think so. My mind is well trained, and I believe I'd remember something of that nature.

COMIC BOOK GUY

If I may, I believe that Frank Miller would like to forget that piece of sequential art, himself!

SPIDER-MAN

Hey, Batman... this debate isn't going that well for you. Wanna just start over?

Team Marvel goes nuts.

BATMAN

That was a good line, Spidey. You should charge 3.99 for it.

Team DC erupts.

BATMAN

And weren't you married?

SPIDER-MAN

No.

BATMAN

My secret files say otherwise.

SPIDER-MAN

I don't think so.

BATMAN

Pretty redhead number. Always called you "tiger."

SPIDER-MAN

I think I'd remember that. I don't go through hot women like you do... or Robins.

The audience is shocked.

BATMAN

Caught any women off bridges lately?

Lots of da-yum's from the crowd.

BATMAN

I'll give you some batlines after the debate. They're better built.

SPIDER-MAN

Well excuse me! My parents didn't leave me a fortune, so I actually have to use my brain.

COMIC BOOK GUY

Gentlemen, I believe we have digressed. The topic of tonight's debate is Marvel versus DC, not Spider-Man versus Batman, which is, ironically, one of the top 52 threads on my fansite, which I built for myself.

SPIDER-MAN

Fine. One of their guys dies every month. Hey, weren't you just dead?

BATMAN

No, I was just-

Batman sighs and places his hand on his forehead.

BATMAN (CONT'D)

-lost in time.

Team Marvel groans loudly.

BATMAN

(to Team Marvel)

Did Bucky just groan at me? Seriously?

COMIC BOOK GUY

I'm sorry, crime-fighters, but I have a Battlestar Galactica-themed, Dungeons and Dragons mixer to attend, and thusly, our time is reaching its proverbial end point. You must formulate your final comments immediately.

SPIDER-MAN

Whatever. Go see our movies. They're the ones that don't suck.

BATMAN

(hushed)

I'm Batman.

SPIDER-MAN

That was 20 years ago.

BATMAN

I'm Batman.

SPIDER-MAN

You really need to move on.

BATMAN

I'm Batman.

SPIDER-MAN

Seriously, dude.

BATMAN

I'm Batman.

SPIDER-MAN

Can we just fade out already?

BATMAN

I'M BATMAN!

FADE OUT.