|A Captain's Confession
Author: Basched PM
Jess learns Becker's secret. One shot set in my Getting Closer verse. Onesided Jecker.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Angst/Friendship - Jess P. & Becker - Words: 2,114 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 3 - Published: 07-29-11 - Status: Complete - id: 7231553
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Author's Note: This is a oneshot in my Getting Closer verse. To understand what's going on, you might want to read my oneshot "Spar" and then the trilogy of "Future", "Present" and "Past" first. This is set between episodes 3 and 4 of Season 5 and not Jecker. :) Beta'd by FredBassett and so all mistakes are mine. Enjoy anyhows, and comments are always appreciated.
A Captain's Confession
It was happening again. She'd noticed his offish mood and this time she had a suspicion as to why he was behaving like he was.
Jess was just as happy as everyone else to have Emily back, but Becker was not. He was cold and stern, distant, just like he'd been when they had first met and after everything they'd been through at the ARC his reversion to his old ways was not on.
Jess turned her head around to glance over her shoulder and saw exactly what she'd expected. Becker had dropped off his paperwork in Lester's office and instead of coming over to her and engaging in conversation, he was walking back towards the lifts, the black cloud of his mood following him. She pouted angrily and locked her console into standby mode before slipping out of the chair and running after him.
The captain halted and the dark expression on his face appeared to worsen when he saw her. Jess didn't like that one bit, because Becker never greeted her like this.
"Make it quick, Jess," he said. "I'm busy."
"Busy being an arsehole!" she snapped.
Becker was shocked. His eyes widened in absolute astonishment and several people walking past them actually stopped and gasped at Jess' use of language. She slapped her hand over her mouth with disbelief.
She had sworn before, but Jess was particular about when she used bad language and in front of whom but now was not the time for her to worry about it. She grabbed the sleeve of Becker's shirt, dragged him to a secluded corner of the room and then folded her arms and scowled to show how upset she was with him.
"Is something wrong, Becker?" she asked. "Is there a reason you're being so mean to everyone?"
"You haven't come to say hello to me these past few days. You don't talk to me or Abby and Connor…you haven't been your usual self and its affecting everyone who works with you, Becker. Has someone angered you? Have I done something to make you…?"
"Oh God, Jess! No!" Becker stepped closer to her; his hand reached out and cupped her elbow. He coaxed her arm loose and gently held her hand. "You haven't done anything to upset me…I'm sorry I've been an arsehole…again."
"It's Matt. Isn't it?"
Becker didn't say anything. His mouth dropped open but no words came out.
"You and Matt have fallen out again, haven't you? Because of Emily."
"Because of Emily?" Becker was shaking his head with disbelief, but Jess knew she had hit the nail on the head. He was panicked, he was gobsmacked and it wasn't easy to rile this soldier. "Jess…what do you mean?"
"Ever since Emily came back, you've been in the most foul and sour mood. You've been a right tit to all of us!" The anger then faded from her voice when she saw the look of guilt and shame in his eyes. He tried to back away but Jess squeezed his hand and kept him close.
She was right. Her suspicions had hurt her, it pained her to even think that it was possible and now seeing Becker's reaction, Jess felt a part of her die. He didn't love her.
"You like her." Jess said, sadly. "I know you do, she's beautiful and wonderful…she's strong, a fighter. You like her a lot and it must be hurting you so much that Matt is…"
"Jess. That's not what's going on."
"Huh?" Jess's mouth caught up with her brain, but neither really clicked on to what he was saying. She was even more confused when Becker took her into his arms and gave her a hug. She had always wanted, dreamed of this moment…but it wasn't how she had fantasised it. This hug was like a brotherly embrace. It was also a hug asking for support not giving it.
"Becker? I…I don't understand. You don't have feelings for Emily?" She pulled out of his hold, looked up and saw the confliction and…agony…in his eyes. She squeezed his hand and instead of him accepting the gesture, he tried to pull away.
"I can't explain it right now, Jess. I don't know all the details myself…Can we discuss this another time?"
"What's wrong with now? You can talk to me," she said softly. "I don't want to see you like this. I can help you…you can trust me."
"I do trust you Jess." He sighed painfully as if he had an enormous weight on his shoulders. "It's complicated. I'm sorry I've been rotten to you and the others, I'll try not to be from now on but it isn't going to be easy."
"Is it something that Matt has done?"
There it was. It wasn't much, yet she saw it, a twitch of his eye before he finally yanked his hand from hers. He must have seen the look of realisation on her face as he turned and began to head for the lifts.
He pressed frantically at the call button, but the lift didn't come and Jess wasn't about to wander back to her station. Her mouth was hanging open in shock, her eyes stinging with tears as the fog of confusion, cleared.
"Oh!" she gasped, shaking her head. How could she have missed this? "OH!"
The lift arrived. The ding and the slow swoosh of the doors opening snapped Jess out of her trance and she ran after Becker.
The doors closed and the lift began to move.
"You could have told me," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. When he didn't say anything Jess carried on. "I understand that's it's difficult for you, but it is okay. To be gay."
"What?" Becker spun round to Jess and until that moment, she'd thought she had been right, yet his response indicated otherwise. Or did it?
"It's Matt that you have feelings for, not Emily." She stated.
"Jess…" His eyes closed and he had to take several deep and long breaths.
"Becker! It's okay! You have nothing to be ashamed about or afraid of. I'm the one who feels like a right plonker!" Jess attempted to laugh, but Becker obviously wasn't finding anything funny about this. He started to pace the lift. "I didn't know that you…preferred men."
Becker halted the lift, making it jerk and Jess stagger. Becker said something but she didn't quite catch the word.
"Man." Becker rubbed his face with both hands and leaned against the opposite wall to Jess. His voice dropped and he croaked, "Not men…man. Just one."
"One? You mean Matt?"
Becker slowly slid down the wall until he was slumped heavily on the floor. Jess could see the turmoil he was in and despite the fact that all her hopes had been dashed, that he would never return her affections, she wasn't going to stop being a friend. She slipped off her green shoes and then knelt down beside him, touching his knee with a supportive hand.
"I worked with him for months…" Becker said, after minutes of silence went by. "Never thought once of him in that way…until we fought."
Jess remembered. The day she'd led the new soldiers into the gym and seen the two of them on floor, it had seemed like something from a sitcom, a funny awkward and embarrassing moment. She had teased Matt and Becker about it, but never had she honestly believed that the men would actually…never did she imagine Becker would develop feelings like this. Jess had been so swept up in her own crush on the captain she hadn't been able to fathom it at all.
"It is only him, Jess." Becker scratched at the stubble on his chin and then rubbed at the whole of his face, coating his palms with sweat from his brow. "I can't explain how or why…I know for a fact that other men hold no interest for me. They do nothing for me, but when I fight with Matt, with just him….something happens. Something…I feel…"
He was then lost for words and Jess didn't blame him. Becker had just confessed a huge secret to her, revealed a part of himself he was struggling with and would continue to do so unless he had help.
"Does…" She didn't want to ask this question but Jess had to. "Does Matt feel the same way, about you?"
"I think so, I don't know. Well after we..."
He didn't need to say more. It was evident that something more than just a spar had happened between the two men. Jess felt a painful stab in her heart and her hand slipped from Becker's knee. She brought her hand up to hide her watery eyes, but Becker snatched it in his and closed his other hand over them.
"I am so…sorry, Jess. I know how you feel….about…"
Of course he had to know that she had a huge crush on him. Jess knew she wasn't exactly subtle. She shook her head and forced a smile. She didn't want him to fret over her.
"I'll get over it. May take a while, but I will." Jess swiped at a tear just as it fell involuntarily from her eye. Becker's anguished gaze softened and he too forced himself to smile as he brushed another from her cheek. That single stroke of his thumb over her skin sent a warm tingle all over her body along with a glimmer of hope. "So…you still like women then?"
Becker nodded. He knew what she was going to ask. She saw his head dip slightly, but he never looked away and the anguish in those hazel eyes seemed to plead for her not to say anything further. But Jess had to.
"So Matt's the only guy. Do you love him?"
"Not sure love is exactly the right term," he replied. "But I feel something for him."
"Well if you like women…do you think maybe…you and I might, one day…?"
His silence and the break of eye contact said everything. Her world felt as if it had ended and the lift became very small. Constricted. Jess had to move away.
If only he'd said no. If Becker had said that it was only men he liked, Jess could cope and understand. She would still be disappointed but she wouldn't feel as rejected.
She got to her feet, slipped on her shoes and turned the key to get the lift moving again.
"You must hate me now," he murmured behind her.
"I could never hate you." She shook her head.
Arms wrapped around her and turned Jess around. Then, shaking palms cupped at her face and his mouth kissed her forehead. Jess was overwhelmed, myriad emotions bombarded her as his hands dropped from her face and pulled her into another brotherly hug.
Despite her own pain, she could feel Becker's through the shaking of his body, so she gave him the support he needed. She pressed herself against him and offered as much as she could, even though she was breaking up inside.
"I am sorry, Jess." His voice whispered into her hair. "I never meant to hurt you."
"What will you do now? Will you talk to Matt?" Her mouth meshed against the black material of his shirt as she spoke. Becker shrugged. "What…whatever you do decide…I'll be here for you."
"Thank you, Jess. You're a good friend."
It was all she was to him now even though it was never what she'd wanted, but Jess would continue to be one. She would continue to love him no matter what.