|Severus Snape: A Fandom's Worst Nightmare
Author: smellyia PM
A Quibbler article pondering the enigma of Severus Snape post-war by Luna Lovegood. Initially written as an LJ birthday present. Note: Snape always lives in my version.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Severus S. & Edward - Words: 2,624 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Published: 08-06-11 - Status: Complete - id: 7260610
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Author's Note: I wrote this a couple of years ago for Wtvoc's birthday on LJ as a tongue-in-cheek joke. I decided to post on here for no good reason with wtvoc's permission, of course. Read this crack fiction at your own risk and please realize it is absolute nonsense.
Edit Note: FF is being ornery and refuses to allow me to utilize strike through on html – please note italics in the end Snape letter indicate a strike through.
Special fervent thanks once again to GinnyW31 nd Shug/sshg316 for the assistance in this piece.
Disclaimer: Last time I checked, I didn't create, own or contribute to Harry Potter, Twilight or Wtvoc. But I do retain exclusive rights to Smellyia. Reality is such a harsh Mistress.
Severus Snape: A Fandom's Worst Nightmare
By Luna Lovegood
In every war, there is a hero. Many times they go unsung, and such oversights can easily lead to a fracture of the magical mind. That is perhaps what a reporter for this esteemed publication feels might have happened to one Mr Severus Snape, ex-Potions master of Hogwarts, ex-Dumbledore Man, ex-Bat of the Dungeons. While many have been regaled of the Professor's exploits as a spy during the second wizarding war, many are left in the dark as to the nature of the Professor's history following the war's end.
Four years ago, a Muggle published book called Twilight became a national bestseller amongst the young adults of America. It stars a stalking, Adonis look-a-like, angst-ridden vampire and his Byronic-worthy "girl-next-door" heroine (Adonis, who resides with his life-mate in Surrey, is currently pending a lawsuit against the author of the series - Stephenie Meyer, who is also suspected of heading the Women's Chastity Defamation League aka Mormon Cult. Please see the article "SMeyer: A New World Order Through Subliminal Messaging or Just Another Shite American Author Fouling Britain Minds or What's The Difference?" for further information). The whole story centers around the tragedy of the teenage mind and libido with a dash of Shakespearean love. Occasionally lines such as: "As if you could outrun me!" lead a philosophical tone to the tome, but the author has been conscious in keeping the book from becoming too intelligent for its readers.
Shortly thereafter, as sequels started to churn out in corporate juggernaut fashion, the phenomenon known as "The Twilight Trilogy Plus Demonic Spawn Chronicles" invaded Muggle Britain. By the time the final book in the series, Breaking Dawn (aka Demonic Spawn Chronicles), was published, the infection (as seen by many) of coruscant vampires spread to magical circles (The Vampire Coalition For Equal Rights, headed by Hermione Granger, has lodged a formal complaint with the Ministry in regards to the published fiction: "We do NOT sparkle."). No longer were the Golden Trio and Order of the Phoenix members the rock stars of our world.
Facing this changing of the fame tide, Mr Snape saw his spotlight, fleeting as it already was due to the Order of Merlin, Fourth Class, insult he was bestowed, fading rapidly. It was one thing to share the spotlight with such people as The Boy Who Lived to Annoy Snape, but it was quite another to have his fame overshadowed by Edward Cullen and his Hair. Livid, Snape appealed repeatedly to the Ministry to have the Twilight series banned from magical Britain. His main complaint being just one word: "Rot". The Ministry declined his petition on every occasion. Snape screamed conspiracy and swore to assign Edward and his unfortunate Bella remedial potions during the summer hols if they ever stepped foot onto Hogwarts' grounds (pointing out to Snape that they were in fact fictional characters and he was no longer a Professor did not dissuade Snape from his proclamation), but it fell on deaf ears – or did it?
To the Ministry, Snape disappeared into the shadows, presumably back to his childhood home at Spinner's End. This period of time is shrouded in mystery, and only through in-depth research, stalwart journalism, and a temporary truce with the Nargle Nation was this purveyor of truth able to uncover a disturbing timeline of events that lead to Mr Snape's inevitable break with reality.
It is assumed that Snape retreated from his quarrel with Twilight, not because of defeat but to plan. Multiple documents from the Malfoy trust have been uncovered claiming payment to the ex-spy for "services rendered". When the patriarch of the noble clan was questioned about said financing, Lucius Malfoy had only one comment: "No comment".
With the backing of the aforementioned Malfoy, Snape had full support for his nefarious plan, which evolved as the Twilight fandom and its world famous "fangirls" did. The appearance of a young, up and coming Muggle actor, Robert Pattinson, set to play the main hero of the series, changed the game from adoration to frenzy, and as Severus Snape fell deeper into madness, so did his obsession of the boy grow.
Unable to stop himself, Snape followed Mr Rpattz (as he js affectionately known by millions of women and girls throughout the Muggle world) to Hollywood, California – the epicentre of Muggle philosophers and political advisors also known as Scientologists. After multiple attempts at establishing his superiority through the Scientology Personality Test, Snape was found to have an alarmingly high amount of toxins, therefore negating any decent marks scored (although since that time the foundation of the church has been disproved in a Scientific Wizard Today expose, "The 8 Dynamics of Bullshit: Magic Trumps Muggle Logic Once Again" by S. Prince Esq.). He quickly fell into the abyss of self-loathing once again until one day an out of work thief came to Snape's aide.
The thief in question was Mr Mundungus Fletcher who denies any knowledge of Snape's true motivations: "The old bat asked me to assist him in an experiment but didn' give me no e'splanation. He had Galleons to spare, an' while I was never privy to the Snape coiffers, I am none too picky 'bout where my pay comes from. He has always been a secretive bugger, and who the fuck am I to question? Granted, I thought it odder than a witch with three tits to be followin' that twat Tofu aroun'. I jus' thought good ole Sevvie a poofter." The gentleman Mundungus calls Tofu has since been identified as Tomstu, Professional Rob Lurker (It would appear that PRL is a popular occupation amongst Muggles who own a friend with pretty coattails and deep pockets).
While Fletcher spent his time stalking Lurkers, Snape immersed himself in Muggle culture. He discovered something called the internet – a Muggle invention used to transmit pornographic viruses and inaccurate information in mass quantities (Warning: Prior to any "internet" forays – especially to a site known as Wikipedia - please purchase a bottle of Lovegood's Venereal Repellent). Through the world-wide-fandom-web, a community of fanfiction (stories based off of the original manuscripts from Twilight, with added lemons – no trace of the fruit was ever actually uncovered in the research of this article) authors were found. Snape quickly identified one of their high ranking officers as withthevampsofcourse. It is important to note here that this is a pen name, and efforts are still underway to discover the true identity of this catalyst in Snape's insanity.
At this point, only Wizengamot documents are available to give any clue as to what transpired after Snape transferred his obsession from Mr Pattinson to withthevampsofcourse. It is stated that as Snape learned more about the world of fanfiction, he realized his fame laid not in the acceptance of the sycophants, but in the embracing of certain well-known personas in a fandom. Watching this withthevampsofcourse, he saw an opportunity to ingratiate himself to her. Being ever the potions master, Snape brewed Polyjuice, used clippings of Tomstu's hair appropriated by Mundungus, and set up a casual run-in with Wtvoc.
This event occurred on January 12th, 2009 in Orange County, Southern California. The site of the meeting is still unknown to the public. At first, Wtvoc was taken in and believed that this was in fact her idol of lurkers, Tomstu. However, after in depth questioning on Rob's cup size, Wtvoc knew that Snape/Tomstu's lack of insight could only mean one thing: something stunk rotten and it wasn't her sea bass.
Wtvoc knew she had only one choice. She had to expose herself. Whipping out the wand (Ollivander refuses to identify for confidentiality reasons) hidden in an arm holster underneath her Jack the Pumpkin King sweatshirt, with the reflexes of Albus Dumbledore himself, Wtvoc held Snape at point. Snape tried to Slytherin his way out of his newfound predicament, using his velveteen voice to promise her the right hand spot once he took over Fandom. However, Wtvoc remained immovable and Snape became desperate in his attempt to turn on the spot for an impromptu Disapparition. She muttered an oath and a silent Locomotor Mortis simultaneously, causing Snape to fall mid-twirl. His wand dropped beyond reach, allowing Wtvoc to scoop it up with a flourish worthy of the ex-Potion's master before casting a quick Stupefy and levitating his body to her home. Since there are no eye-witnesses, it is believed she Obliviated all in her path. Once home, Wtvoc instructed her fellow witch, Smellyia, to use the Floo in order to contact the British Ministry of Magic and arrange a prisoner extradition from the comfort of her living room. Upon arrival to the Ministry, the gibberings of Snape claiming to be accosted by a rabid witch and having his arse molested by her friend (The Department of Mysteries denies any existence of any Muggle or witch named "Smellyia", and we at the Quibbler are likely to agree, given Snape's outlandish "claims" of molestation) were the only evidence aside from Wtvoc's private testimony to the happenings explained above.
The Wizengamot officially charged Severus Snape on January 21st, 2009 with Stalking, Harassment, Attempting to Impersonate a Muggle, and Interfering with the Natural Order of a Fandom. The last two charges seem a bit trumped in my opinion, but the Ministry has also refused to acknowledge the infestation of Nargles nesting in my mistletoe garden, so that's not particularly surprising. The sentence given includes five years probation, in which he cannot approach any Twilight fangirl, actor, author or book, six months rehabilitation including making amends to persons effected by his madness, anger management counselling with St. Mungo's Merlin Mental Health Professionals and banishment from the Twilight Fandom.
While Wtvoc's real identity has been kept under lock and key, a few things are very apparent. First, Snape most likely targeted her in the attempt to have her write about his fictitious exploits in the hopes to garner a personal following. Two, Snape miscalculated greatly. Three, Wtvoc just may be the most powerful witch of our time, without anyone knowing it.
The wealth of rumours surrounding this withthevampsofcourse chracter are at the very best unreliable, however she has been sighted since the trial in Ubekistan, the La Union province of the Philippines, and at a Starbucks in Orange County purchasing a Muggle coffee concoction. We highly doubt the Starbucks sighting but are convinced that her presence in the Pacific island nation purchasing Likas Papaya Soap is very real. While the Ministry denies her existence at all, the transcripts appropriated for this article prove otherwise. It is most likely that she is an agent of the top-most rank, working directly with the Unspeakables, dealing with the darkest of magics, and occasionally filling in as front-woman of the popular band, The Weird Sisters. These are mere conjecture, but we at the Quibbler have found that truth usually lies in suspicions.
The final piece of evidence in this very hushed up trial that Mr Lucius Malfoy attended (again, he declines comment), is the letter dated one month ago to Wtvoc from Severus Snape asking for forgiveness – sort of – as part of his rehabilitation. Below is a copy of the rough draft.
Rough copy returned with suggestions noted to rehabilitation inmate number 324 – Severus Snape. Please revise with italicised omissions accordingly, Mr Snape.
Dearest Withthevampsofcourse –
On this day honouring your thirty years of life, I just have one thing to impart beg: I forgive you your forgiveness. Please realize this is not by choice, but a part of my post-war/spy rehabilitation into magical society. Know this comes from the bottom of my heart, and if things were different, I would not have held this minor hostile grudge against you for so long.
I am aware you may not have any inkling as to what I may be talking about. That is the biggest bit of fucking Wank I have ever concocted as an excuse for someone else, by the by. That is understandable. I shall enlighten you. At first, when it was brought to your attention that my foray into fanfiction to further develop my character was being ignored so thoroughly by you, I was hurt. You stated emphatically how busy you were, but I could not understand. Guess what? I was busy taking down good ole' Snake-face, but I still posed for avatars for you, did I not? I have been told that it is in my best interest realised that it is in my best interest to address this big elephant in the room to make way for any future I hope to cultivate with you.
I am forced thrilled at this juncture in our long-standing relationship to extend the hand of utter crap truce your way in the hopes that we will be friends of the most pretentious buxomest sort and can clash wands join hands over the fanfiction you we both adore so very much. I must agree that the git you call Edward is an insufferable intriguing character for you to waste entrust your talents to, whether it be reading or writing. I loathe thoroughly enjoy reading about his multiple jaunts into idiotic various characterizations and look forward to when we can discuss your future work in the Snermione Twilight fandom. I don't think you could find a worthier character to read or write about other than myself one Mr Edward Cullen.
I apologise because I want my fucking name shouted to the heavens through your pen sincerely and hope you can find it in your heart to forgive my understandable actions manipulations. My personal genius failings and miniscule horrific intrusions aside, it is my fervent wish that you shall see things my way and kill off Edward, preferably by my wand continue to prosper in your chosen fandom, and perhaps one day we shall meet again in the joint pursuit of taking out all things sparkly come to an accord in our personal tastes.
The Best Fucking Fandom Character You Shall Ever Have The Pleasure To Meet
With my apologies,
Severus Tobias Snape
It is up to our enlightened readers to make the distinction for themselves - Snape: Broken or Misunderstood.
Sitting in his childhood home, Severus puts down his copy of the Quibbler, a sneer creeping across his harsh features. He reaches into his decrepit desk and pulls out a worn parchment and feathered quill. Two words adorn the header – The List. He grabs his quill and with a flourish worthy only of the billowing Black Bat of the Dungeons, writes a name in the second spot under withthevampsofcourse, where only the erased traces of the name Smellyia is seen: Luna Lovegood.