|A Whale of a Problem
Author: Dakosaurus PM
Jill takes a baking class and Tim's appetite gets out of hand.Rated: Fiction K - English - Humor - Words: 1,621 - Favs: 1 - Published: 08-07-11 - Status: Complete - id: 7264356
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Author's Note: My friends and I were playing Jenga the other night. When the tower was knocked over I suggested we build something with the blocks (Jenga can get boring really quickly). I made a straight row of blocks. I decided it looked like a fence. That oh so famous fence we all know and love. I put one block on one side of the fence and another block on the other side. That resulted in me drawing faces and making little clothes for the blocks, writing a silly Home Improvement script, and video taping as we took our adorable blocks and acted out our short Home Improvement episode. Oh, we had so much fun. (The Wilson block only had eyes and a hat since the rest of him was covered by a fence, lol) I decided to write our episode in story form so all of you Home Improvement fans could enjoy it. (We may or may not post our video on Youtube in the future. Look for it. It's called Block Improvement: A whale of a problem) Well, enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Home Improvement or anything affiliated with it.
A Whale of a problem
Tim Taylor sat on his living room couch watching TV. His wife Jill walked by. She was headed for the front door. He lost interest in his television show for a moment when he noticed what she was wearing.
"Where are you going honey? And why are you wearing an apron?"
"Oh, I signed up for a baking class," Jill answered.
"Wha?" Tim grunted in surprise mingled with horror.
(Theme song plays)
"What have we got in store for our viewers today, Al?" Tim asked, looking into the Tool Time camera.
"Well, Tim, today we're going to show them how to properly install an oven," Al said, gesturing to the new oven behind him.
"I bet you had an Easy Bake Oven when you were a kid, huh Al?" Tim said, poking Al's stomach.
Al looked at Tim seriously and said, "I don't think so, Tim."
"Oh, that's right," Tim said thoughtfully, "That was when you were in college."
"Very funny," Al said, walking up to the oven. "Now the first thing you need to do is-"
"Jill signed up for this baking class. She wants me to sample her work when she gets home," Tim interrupted. He scrunched up his face in disgust.
"Oh, that's nice," Al said.
"No, Al. It isn't "nice". Have you ever tried Jill's cooking? Maybe I should get her and Easy Bake Oven. Can I borrow yours?"
Al sighed. "As I was saying, the first thing you need to do is-"
"Get more power!" Tim cried and grunted like an ape.
"I think the oven has enough of power," Al stated flatly.
"Nah, we need some extra voltage to really get that baby cookin'!" Tim got a mischievous look on his face. "Man, can you imagine what I could do with the oven at home?"
Al stared at Tim for a few seconds and said, "I'm afraid to."
Tim sat on the couch watching TV… again.
"I'm back," Jill called as she entered the house.
"Oh, great. Here we go…" Tim said to himself.
"Just wait until you try my cupcakes!" Jill said. She was totally stoked.
"Oh boy!" Tim said sarcastically under his breath. He sat at the table and Jill placed a cupcake in front of him. "Here goes nothing…" He cringed and took a small bite. Then his face lit up. "Hey! These are fantastic!" he yelled, and shoved the rest of the cupcake into his mouth. Frosting and crumbs got all over the table and his shirt as he shoveled two more into his mouth.
"Glad you like them," Jill said. She was amused and a little disgusted. "I'm gonna get sick just watching you." She laughed and handed him some napkins.
It was late and Jill was in bed asleep. She rolled over and noticed Tim wasn't next to her. She felt around the bed. "Tim?" She glanced at the clock. It was 3:04 am. The light in the bathroom wasn't on. She shrugged and pulled on a robe. She walked downstairs and into the kitchen and saw a figure hunched over the table. She flipped the light on.
"Oh, hey Jill," Tim said through a mouth full of cupcake. Crumbs and wrappers littered the table. Tim had frosting all around his mouth and on his hands.
"Tim! Did you eat all of the cupcakes I made? There were three dozen!"
"I'm sorry, honey. Did you want one?"
"Ugh," she said in disgust. "Clean yourself up and come back to bed."
Two weeks later…
Tim was enormous and he was waiting impatiently at the kitchen table. Jill came in the front door and Tim grunted out of his seat and hobbled up to her. "Hey, honey! What did ya bring me?" He gave her a pudgy smile.
"Um Tim…" Jill hesitated.
Tim noticed Jill was empty handed. "Hey, where's my dessert? Wasn't this chocolate cake week in your baking class?"
"Tim, I think you have a problem. I'm not bringing my work home anymore," she said, looking at her incredibly large husband.
"What? I don't have a problem. I can stop eating whenever I want!"
"Tim, you've gained one hundred pounds in two weeks! You can hardly fit into bed now."
"What are you saying, Jill? Are you saying I'm fat?
"Yes!" she shouted incredulously.
Tim gasped and stared at her with his mouth agape.
Jill rolled her eyes. "I'm going to bed, are you coming?"
"I can't," Tim said. "I can't fit up the stairs anymore…" He looked down in shame.
"Hey everybody!" Heidy shouted. "You know what time it is?"
"Tool Time!" the audience cried.
"That's right! Now here's your host of the show, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!"
The audience clapped and cheered but Tim didn't come out onto the set. One of the Tool Time cameras panned to the entrance and there was Tim… stuck in the door frame. He wiggled and grunted and squirmed but he couldn't get through. Finally he looked up at Al and said, "A little help here?"
"Remember all of those fat jokes you told about me over the years?" Al said. Then he smirked. "It's my turn now."
Tim opened the sliding glass door and waddled into his backyard. He stopped by the wooden fence and sighed. Wilson heard this sigh of unhappiness and approached the fence. "Well, hidey hoe neighboreen- whoa!"
"Hey Wilson," Tim said in monotone. Wilson turned around and headed for his house. "Hey, where are you going?"
"I'm going to go phone Jill," Wilson said.
"Why?" Tim asked.
"A woman ought to know when her husband is being impersonated by Shamu."
"Very funny, Wilson. This is all Jill's fault, you know."
"Oh?" Wilson said, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah, if she hadn't signed up for that stupid baking class this wouldn't have happened. I almost miss those nights I had to choke down her dry meatloaf and mushy peas," he said as he pushed a rock around with is shoe. "I never realized it was her horrible cooking that was responsible for my incredible physique," he said with an egotistical grin. Then he remembered he was fat and the smile faded.
"Now, Tim. Are you sure that Jill is to blame for this?" Wilson said.
"What do you mean?"
"A Chinese philosopher named Confucius once said, 'He who conquers himself is the mightiest warrior'," Wilson stated, wisely.
Tim had a blank look on his face. "Huh?"
"Tim, you are your own worst enemy right now. You need to learn self control. The sooner you conquer the "whale within" the better off you will be."
"Uh… thanks, Wilson. I think."
Tim walked into the kitchen and Jill jumped and turned her back to the counter. She leaned against it and faked a smile.
"Hey, whatchya got there honey?" Tim said.
"What? Nothing. I don't have anything."
"Come on, Jill. I know there's something behind you. Is that pineapple I smell?"
"I might have made a pineapple upside down cake for the boys' bake sale…" she said hesitantly. "Don't you dare touch it!" she added.
"Don't worry. I just talked to Wilson. I think I'm gonna be okay now."
"Really?" Jill said hopefully.
"Yeah, it's like Infectious said. I just need to kill my white whale."
"Infectious?" Jill got that "you're an idiot" look on her face.
"Yeah, he's a cheese philosopher. You wouldn't understand."
Tim and Jill were in the kitchen. Tim was back to his regular weight and was waiting at the table while Jill finished cooking dinner.
"I'm sorry you had to quit your baking class because of me," Tim said.
"Ah, that's ok. Everybody hated me there," Jill replied. Tim raised his eyebrows questioningly. "I was the best in the class." She added.
"That you were honey, and I've got the double extra large sweat pants to prove it."
"We're having meat loaf tonight. I hope you don't mind."
Tim cringed. Then he patted his flat belly and said, "Bring it on!"
The fat Tim in the video is two blocks taped together, lol. The whole thing is funnier when it's done with block people.
Thanks for reading!