|Criminally Insane Just Got More Legal
Author: LinzRW PM
SEQUEL TO 'SURVIVAL GUIDE TO THE CRIMINALLY INSANE AKATSUKI' Yeah... You all know the drill - Dessie, Hannah, and Kate are back with more randomness, violence, and crazy stuff that no one, not even the author, understands.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Adventure - Akatsuki - Chapters: 84 - Words: 201,618 - Reviews: 3,073 - Favs: 329 - Follows: 188 - Updated: 06-26-12 - Published: 08-13-11 - Status: Complete - id: 7284721
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Summary of Events: Hannah, Kakuzu and Deidara are headed west to find the Ring of Four which is currently in the hands of a Kikensai (local mob) leader. Dessie, Itachi, Hidan, Konan, and Sasori are headed south to find the Ikustaka. Leader, Kate, Zetsu, Tobi, and Kisame are headed north to find the Temple of Four.
Hannah, Kakuzu, and Deidara stole the Ring of Four from the Kikensai, only to be chased down and captured by the Kikensai in a bar.
Chapter Fifty-One: Glittering Gold
Stone room. Check. Tied to a chair. Check. Hand bound behind back. Check. Ropes extra tight. Check. Chair bolted to floor. Check. Been sitting here for several hours. Check. Bored out of my mind. Check.
Ah. Remember the good old times when I end up interrogated by random stranger? Well, apparently they're back. Reminds me of my first meeting with Tobi and that Giant Blond Fur Ball (they tied me to a chair and interrogated me for four or five hours with Deidara threatening to blow my head off the whole time and calling me 'bitch' like a broken record).
The good old times…
"Arg!" I cried out to the dead silence. "So bored! Someone come in here and beat me or something!"
As if on queue the door opened and two men strutted in. Hmm… How to describe them… The first was fat and short, like a Christmas ham, and the second was tall and thin, like a stork or a bamboo stick.
"Well aren't you an odd couple," I said, almost cheerfully.
"Shut up," said the fat one guffly.
"What's you names?" I asked.
"I'm Mano and he's Endo."
"Mano!" snapped Endo. "You're not supposed to be friendly with the prisoner."
"B-b-b-but," stammered Mano. "She just looks so helpless. She's only a little girl/"
"This really is like the good cop bad cop routine," I said warily. "You've got to be kidding me. Can't you guys come up with something original? Why don't you just both be mean? It'll be more entertaining that way."
"Oh," said Mano, the sympathetic look falling off his face. "I can do that."
He slapped me.
My head jerked to the side violently. Pain spasm across my face – flashing red. I turned back to face him, my eyes narrowed slightly.
"Well that's a vast difference."
He slapped me again. "Shut up. Don't speak unless you're answering a question."
I shrugged (awkward when bound by ropes).
"Your friends have already confessed," said Endo firmly. "We are here to test your loyalty. If you pass, we'll spare you. If you fail, we were teach you the true meaning of suffering."
I tipped my head back and laugh. I laughed and laugh and laugh – like a maniac hyena, like Dessie. The laughter shook my body and, soon, I was doubled over, choking on my own mirth.
Mano slapped me.
"What's so funny?" asked Endo sharply.
"Deidara and Kakuzu… confessing…" My laughter renewed.
"Why is that funny?"
I straightened up and met their eyes. "Listen. The Akatsuki bow to no one. We are the Akatsuki. We will take pain. We will take suffering. We will take torture beyond agony – no matter how hard you try to torture us, our leader is a million times worse." I shuddered. "He breaks our bones for a hobby and tries to poison us when we're not good. He makes us wait on him hand and foot and – if we fail at that – we're sent on ridiculous mission that have a high chance of our deaths. If we get into fights, he hangs us by our finger nails in the basement, knowing that we're all terrified of blue orbs that appear down there." I shook my head. "You cannot torture me better than Leader – he makes Zetsu eat plants!"
"But that's not all. He'll stop Hidan and Dessie from killing and he'll even kill people in front of them, while they're bound to the wall. And then he'll feed Kisame shark fin soup and take away Deidara's clay. He's cruel and evil and he knows everyone's deepest darkest secrets and knows exactly how to use them against us. I may be an evil bitch, but I am nothing – nothing – compared to Leader."
I smiled. "So. Torture me and interrogate me to your deepest desire. But know this – the Akatsuki never confesses. We have been trained to be invincible." I paused. "Though I doubt that was Leader's purpose."
"You can keep interrogating if you want," I said. "But it won't do you much good."
Mano and Endo glanced at one another. Mano slapped me once more and then they headed straight for the door. It was only after they had left that I realized I had chased away my only source of entertainment.
"Wargjashingodpaindamn," I muttered. "I should have fed them the bullshit story about my dying aunt. Or maybe it was a sister."
I don't know how long I was alone in the room for this time. Maybe days. Maybe hours. Maybe it was only a couple minutes – it's impossible to keep track when you're bored. The seconds seem to last days.
Eventually – after an uncertain amount of time had passed – the door to my prison opened and Endo stepped in, his fat wobbling dangerously. Clutched in his pudgy right hand was two sets of iron. He locked the manacles around my wrists and ankles, then untied me. I staggered to my feet and followed him out the door.
"So where are we going?" I asked.
He didn't respond, his face grim.
"Um… right." I sighed. "So bored."
"You won't be for long."
"Well, that sounds ominous."
"It was supposed to."
"I hate vague ominous things. It's like you're trying too hard."
"Are you always this infuriating?"
I shrugged. "I'm bored."
Mano led me along a series of stone passage ways and up several flights of stairs. Eventually we reached a heavy wood door and Mano pushed it open, revealing the outdoor roof of the castle (yes, the Kikensai live in a castle). The castle basically had two roofs, one halfway up the building that encircled the taller part. Sort of like a cowboy hat, but with a thicker brim. There was a crowd on the first roof now. Men and a few women dressed in black and red were crowded around a sort of platform, shouting and hollering in loud voices.
Mano led me towards the crowd and, as I drew closer, I realized that Deidara and Kakuzu were both standing on the platform, to the right of a giant guillotine (how old fashioned). Several men stood behind Deidara and Kakuzu – ensuring they didn't make any funny movements. To the left of the guillotine, stood a tall, muscular man with a thick neck and beady black eyes. He was dressed the grandest out of the group, entirely in black with several gold decorations around his neck and wrists.
I was pushed up onto the platform and forced to stand beside Deidara, closest to the guillotine.
"Hey," I said, waving a shackled hand in Deidara and Kakuzu's direction.
Deidara grinned back, supporting a black eye. Kakuzu didn't even glance my way, he was too busy eyeing up the man's finery.
"Who's he?" I asked.
Deidara followed my line of sight and then said, "Shang. He's the leader of the whole Kikensai, uhn."
"Oh. Aren't we special."
"Not really," said Deidara. "I think he plans on killing us, uhn."
"Oh dear," I said. "That's quite concerning."
"You think I can steal his gold before I die?" asked Kakuzu.
"Probably. Are you going to bribe the devil?"
"No," scoffed Kakuzu. "I'll take my money with me to hell and then use the power it brings me to supplant the devil and take over his job."
"That's clever," I said thoughtfully. "Can I be your right hand man."
"Right hand woman," I corrected myself.
"Sure. You're diabolical enough."
I smiled and shook my head. "And people say nothing good will come of being evil."
"People say that, uhn?"
"They're all dead now," I said, reassuringly.
"You three!" bellowed Shang. "Shut up!"
"Ah," I cried. "But it's so boring! Can't we whisper while you talk?"
I sighed and slouched over wearily. And this is why I hate being kidnapped.
Shang stepped in front of the guillotine and raised his hands for silence. Almost instantaneously, the rowdy Kikensai soldiers stopped talking and watched Shang intensely.
"These three people." Shang pointed in our direction. "Have dared to steal from the Kikensai."
A roar rose up amongst the crowd, several people shouting for our heads.
"Oh joy…" I muttered.
A soldier prodded me in the back as a warning.
"We have captured them and conquered them!" shouted Shang (I almost burst out laughing at that line. Deidara snorted.) "But they are still withholding information from the might Kikensai!"
The crowd jeered.
"So," said Shang, turning to address us. "I have a proposition. I will save you from this grisly guillotine." He waved a hand at the deadly machine behind him. "One of you. Only one of you can rescue his – or her – neck. All you have to do, is tell me why you wanted the Ring of Four."
If he expected us to jump at the chance to save our lives, he was sorely disappointed. Kakuzu was practically drooling as he stared at Shang's gold necklace with an onyx pendant and Deidara was busy muttering about he would blow the whole damn castle to smithereens.
"You know," I said. "This isn't going to work."
"What do you mean?" asked Shang.
"You won't be able to kill us," I said, shrugging.
Shang's eyes narrowed. "Watch me."
"I can't watch you, since you can't kill us," I repeated. "Wargjashingodpain – why doesn't anyone understand this?"
"They haven't spent enough time with the Akatsuki, uhn," explained Deidara.
"I wonder how much I can sell that onyx for," said Kakuzu thoughtfully.
"Well, they'll learn soon enough. Prices for onyx are down at the moment in Seanova. He probably bought it while it was cheap and assumed most people wouldn't pay that much attention to the prices on precious gems."
Kakuzu groaned. "Damn. I should've checked that. What about gold?"
"Can I show them?"
"Not yet. Gold prices are about the same. Reasonable, but you can do better. What about his gold and silver bracelet with garnets? Garnets and silver are up."
"All of you!" snapped Shang. "Shut up unless you're going to give me a reasonable answer!"
The audience booed. I couldn't tell if they were booing us or booing Shang. Either way, Shang seemed pretty pissed off.
"I will tell you again," he said, pacing across the platform. "Two of you will die. One of you will live. If you want to keep your life – tell me why you want the Ring of Four!"
I yawned. "I've told you. You can't kill us."
"What are you!" he howled. "Immortals!"
"No, no," I said, my chains clanking. "That's only two Akatsuki members. We can die. It's just… You can't kill us."
Shang's eyes narrowed. "Are you challenging me?"
"No," I said, growing bored with the argument real fast. "I'm stating the facts."
"She's very factual," said Deidara. "When she's not trying to con someone… Which I guess if half the time, uhn… This isn't helping, is it, uhn?"
"No, Deidara," I said, sighing. "It's not. Just keep your mouth shut from now on unless you're threatening someone."
"Oh. Uhn. Hey, Shang. I'm going to put clay into your dinner tonight and after you digest it, I'll blow you to little tiny pieces from the inside out, uhn!"
I smiled. "That's better."
"WHY ARE YOU ALL SO IMPOSSIBLE!" howled Shang. "DON'T YOU DARE THREATEN THE MAN WITH THE GUILLOTINE!"
"And," I said. "Don't you dare threaten the woman who will not die by your guillotine."
"SHUT UP! I will give you one last chance! Tell me why you want the Ring of Four or I will kill all of you!"
"Is there money involved?"
Deidara and I paused and turned to stare at Kakuzu. He wasn't even looking at us. He was staring at Shang's bracelet.
"Isn't you life enough?" asked Shang incredulously.
"Hello no," said Kakuzu. "Money is everything."
"He means it, uhn."
"Deidara," I said. "Remember what I said about not helping unless you're threatening people."
"Right." Deidara turned back to Kakuzu and shouted: "You traitorous asshole! How dare you sell is out for money! I'm going to blow you from here to fucking Wargonia!"
"Yeah, yeah," said Kakuzu. "So, Shang, how much we talking about?"
"How about all that jewelry you're wearing right now? I'll do it for that."
"Fuck it. No deal then." Kakuzu folded his arms – chains clinking menacingly – and turned back to Deidara and me. "So how should we kill him. I can take out his heart while he's still alive and feed it to him."
"Oh sounds fun," I said.
"Alright! Alright!" cried Shang as the crowd roared with laughter. He pulled the onyx necklace off his head and dangled it in front of Kakuzu. "Tell me why you want the Ring of Four."
"Because we come form a different reality in a world called the Fence and Four transported us here for reason we don't know and – in order to get back home – we need the ring – now give me the gold."
Shang yanked the necklace away. "And you expect me to believe that."
"Actually," I said. "It's the truth – why is the truth so unbelievable?"
Deidara shrugged (he's not allowed to say anything).
Shang sighed and handed the necklace to Kakuzu, who snatched it up greedily. "You'll get the rest when you prove this to us. For now," Shang turned to Deidara and me with a demonic grin, "I have an execution to deal with."
A/N: Prom tonight! I look hot! hahahaha So, in honor of my hotness, you should all review - or Shang will show you the true power of his guillotine!