|Hey hey, you you, I want to be your girlfriend!
Author: the Klabautermann PM
Somewhat cracky fanfic about two lovebirds that were -not- meant to be. Richard and Cale fluff. This parody is written purely for the laughs, but the actual shipper might enjoy it. ;DRated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Parody - Chapters: 3 - Words: 6,194 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 11 - Updated: 09-19-11 - Published: 09-03-11 - Status: Complete - id: 7349218
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
And so we come to an end! What, you thought this was going to be epicaly long? Heck no, it's a parody! Oh well... Hope you enjoyed the short, but extremely funny ride! ^^
Cale didn't miss the fact that Richard didn't react at all. He was probably too shocked to do so, Cale thought and backed away, looking at Richards nervously. Richards' eyes were wide open in surprise.
The two of them spent the next few moment digesting the fact they did something very awkward.
"Y-yes?" Cale immediately answered, his voice practically shaking.
"Be still." Richard got up.
Richard slowly approached Cale and stood in front of him, only a short distance between them. He looked Cale from his face to his feet… was he checking him out?
"I'm just trying too…" Richard trailed off trying to explain, sounding puzzled, looking for whatever kind of solution he needed on Cales' body. Then he circled him, stood in front of him, and raised his hand, looking as if he was about to put them on Cales' shoulders, but did nothing.
"Richard, what are you—"
"I think… I want to hug you."
Cale didn't miss the slightest note of awkward uncomfortable surprise in Richards' voice.
"You don't need to you know-"
"That is the problem you see, I really need it for some reason."
Cale shuddered on the word "need" coming from Richards' mouth. It was so unexpected.
Then Richard slowly, very slowly, got a bit closer, put his hand around Cale – although rather awkwardly, like he was hurting him on touch – and pulled him close. They bodies met and Cale gasped quietly.
There was a strange silence as Richard said, with a slight commanding tone:
Cale did so immediately, but with equal speed. The two soon found each other in a firm embrace.
Then Richard asked something unexpected.
"Does that hurt?
"Does what hurt?"
"You can't feel it then. Thought so."
"Cale, brush your hand along my back."
Without a moment of hesitation, Cale did so, his head light, feeling the thin, frail body under his- what the Hell?
"You see it?"
"You have an… an arrow in your back. How didn't you notice this? Who shot you?"
"The same guy who did that to you."
"What are you talking about, I wasn't—"
"As I said, you can't feel it, but it is right here in your back. If you let go of me, it will become invisible again. Give me a minute."
Cale felt Richards neck straining to look up, and then heard a small grunt of annoyance.
"What is it?"
"Cale. Look up at the corner of the tent."
Cale looked to where he felt Richard was looking. In the high corner, on a small piece of wood that held the tent standing, sat a small girl. She wasn't very cute or pretty, and she was the size of a bigger doll. She wore large, thick black glasses, and wore her pink hair in pigtails. She was barefoot, dressed in a pale buttoned up shirt, and a pink checked skirt. Her face was an odd mix – she was squinting the whole time, smiling really unnaturally to show off all of her teeth, and was constantly forming the "peace" with one of her hands. Her other hand held firmly onto a small golden bow, and a bagfull of heart shaped arrows. She was at the moment quietly, quietly squealing with joy, and jumping up and down.
"By the Gods. It can't be…"
"It is so, Cale. We've been hit by the arrow of a Shipping Cupid."
"But I thought it was only a legend. Such a horrible creature to exist… Do you know anything about them? I only heard rumors from the scary stories they told us as kids."
"Most of what you heard is probably true." Richard replied, his voice sounding a bit grave.
"Shipping Cupids are the worst of the creatures, who find joy in bonding the in-bondable. I just made up that word by the way."
"Their whole life is about what is happening between us now, and what happened to many other people. They love to bond the two creatures that will obviously never, not in their wildest dreams or in any universe, be together. They find joy in such bizarre things, and are obsessed with the love the two victims create then. They literally eat and drink, and feast on the love, passion and lust the victims create in their illusions, and it can go on for weeks, months, even years. And then, when they feel like they cannot feast on anything new, or that they already saw everything that can come from a couple, they leave. And once they leave, people usually very soon realize what happened, and most of them dies of sadness or goes crazy. It is a horrible pattern of emotions a person has to go through in the end, and even I wouldn't do that to anyone."
Cale listened with fear, shaken to the core with what he heard. Is the rest of the life going to be spent like this? Will the cupid be feasting on whatever immoral actions they might do in the future? Will they live happily in illusion for the next few years, and then rot in the reality?
"How did you realize—"
"Well. We aren't really the most ordinary of a couple, now are we." Richard noticed darkly.
"The hardest part of this situation was to realize what is going on. Once a person sees those feelings must be an illusion, both arrows and Cupid become visible, even though it is not aware of that."
"And you should know me better Cale. Even if I was… fancying you, I would rather die a thousand horrible deaths than tell you."
"So… is there anything we can do?" Cale asked, deadly scared of an answer. Richard laughed quietly.
"Oh, there certainly is. The stupid little creature here obviously never encountered the likes of me. Unfortunately, you'll have to squeeze me a bit tighter if you want this to end."
"… I don't really want it to end you know."
"It is an illusion Cale. Once we're back to our real selves, you'll be thanking me. Now please, for the love of our friendship, hug me like a lover."
Cale gulped, and gave Richard an affectionate hug, from the bottom of the illusions in his heart. The little cupid, now visible and audible to both of them , but ignorant of that fact, screamed with joy, her pink eyes closing shut as it shook its little hand in excitement.
"You distracted it perfectly Cale. For that, I will always love you."
"And with a swift move of his hand, Richard fwooshed the little bastard to eternity.
The two sat in the tent on the floor in silence, facing each other. The cupid turned to a small pile of ashes, and both of the arrows in their back were now real, touchable. But both of them seemed very tired all of a sudden.
"Didn't you say I'd be thanking you once we end this? Why don't you do it then?"
"Shut up. It feels slightly harder than I thought it would feel."
"It certainly is hard." Cale sighed.
"But you're right Richard. This is all an illusion. How about we simultaneously pull the arrows from each other, on a count to three?"
The two aligned next to each other, both grabbing the arrow of the other one. Cale winced.
"The wound is not deep, but it still hurts a bit." he added immediately, seeing Richards' concerned look. Then he laughed.
"The Richard that is my friend probably wouldn't harbor that look in his eyes."
"Feel very welcome to tease me; I'll be laughing my liver off when I tell everyone about the kiss."
"By the Gods Richard, you wouldn't—"
"I will." Cale could see the grin forming on warlocks' cheekbones. He sighed, but smiled.
"We'll see if you'll be saying the same when we finish this. Ready?"
"One more thing." Richard stopped him.
"While I still feel so much attached to you, I feel obliged to say that, before I fell madly in "that-feeling" with you, I thought of you as a great friend. If not the best."
Cale blinked confusedly, and then said with a smile:
"I'm sure it'll mean more to me once we get back to our old setting."
"And I'm sure I'll deny it to no ends. Those cupids really suck."
"On three then."
The two pulled the arrow strongly as they both loudly yelled out "three".
Cale loudly winced, and he felt a small trickle of blood on his back. It wasn't much, as the cupids arrow wasn't meant to hurt. He felt his tiredness lifting, and then coming back again, stronger – most likely the after effect of cupids' spell.
He looked at Richard, and found out a couple of thins – Richard wasn't as handsome as he thought he was while he was under the illusion. He was hi sold, corpse-y self. Also, Cale felt nothing but warm feeling of seeing his friend again, alive and well. He also found out Richard was in slight shock, as he stared in Cale in pure horror.
"Please don't kill me." Cale said, half with a smile, and half serious - when Richards' pride is hurt, heads fall.
"Gh…" Richard let out, and the shook his head violently. He looked at Cale again, eyes wide, and grasping the whole situation. And then… That frown. That usual, normal, everyday frown. Cale smiled widely.
Richard took a look at the ashes of the cupid. He spoke:
"I hereby announce the foundation of anti-cupid alliance."
"Count me in."
Richard looked at Cale again, starting to relax.
"It is good to see you again, elf."
They both smiled to themselves as they got up and left the tent. The sun was setting.
"Hey Cale. You know, once Cupid hits someone with an arrow, it won't start working until someone else is hit, so they can make a couple."
"Do you remember when you started to "fall in L"?"
"You still refuse to say that word." Cale smirked, and thought.
"I sincerely don't know. Why?"
"Because I can tell, I started to feel strange about you only after we've had breakfast and left."
"So, why did you get so upset when I joked about you being my girlfriend?"
"Oh for the love of—Richard, what I said that morning was not really sober, so please—"
"Of course, my darling, I won't say another word about it."
Cale laughed. It was like in the beginning again. He was pretty much scared of that stupid line he said when he was cranky, and adding his friends' teasing to it… he was a perfect target for a bloody cupid.
"It is OK Richard, it is not embarrassing me anymore. Oh hey!"
Richard turned around as Cale approached him, giggling silly.
"Will you tell them about our first —"
"ANOTHER WORD AND I'LL BE EATING YOUR KIDNEYS FOR DINNER."
"Understood." Cale laughed, not being able to help it. For that he earned another burn on his cloak but it was worth it.
"Also, I recall saying something about you being my great friend? Yeah, that was the cupid effect. You'll probably want to erase that from your brain so I don't have to erase your brain."
"Erase what? I don't know what you're talking about." Cale replied. Richard gave him the look. Was the respect in his eyes?
Krunch, Pella, Benny and Sooba came to them, with a bunch of wood, two large dead boars, and surprisingly a barrel of wine.
"We had a small meeting with some bandits again." Krunch explained, smiling.
"We've been supping nicely lately."
All of them were looking at Cale and Richard. Cale sighed.
"Yes we talked. No, there is nothing happening. For the love of Gods, are you serious?" he chuckled.
"Oh thank God." Benny sighed, and Krunch seemed happy about it too.
"We would not have problems with those things but… it is just wrong, somehow." she laughed, and more laughs followed, this time even including Richard. They all sat down, starting the fire, and soon roasting the boar.
"Hey Cale!" Richard was gleeing, and Cale saw a romancing joke coming, and so did the rest of the group.
"No, not that, wifey! I wrote a camp fire song! Now you all shut up and listen to my brilliant creation!"
Richard let out a "khm", pulled out a ukulele out of nowhere and started:
"You've got a friend in me.
You've got a friend in me!
When the road looks empty and green,
when for miles there's no body to be seen.
Just remember there's Richard the Mean,
Elf, you've got a friend in me...
You've got a friend in me!
You've got troubles, well I've got 'em more,
there is dozens of bodies outside that door...
We stick together and we see all the gore,
you've got a friend in me!
You've got a friend in me!
Some other folks might be a bit more lively than I am,
more human and fleshy too.
But none of them will kill the way I do - It's me and you
And as the years go by,
all people around will die!
You're gonna see
it's my destiny!...
you've got a friend in me.
You've got a friend in me!
You've got a friend in me."
Richard looked around, eager to hear comments. Cale was laughing hard together wit the others, and said:
„That was bloody beautiful."
„I couldn't got a better compliment." Richard smiled.
Of couse they are just friends! GEEZ! :P
Thanks for readin'! ^^