|Sherlock is Outnumbered
Author: Jason Layton PM
Sherlock discovers John has another sister he never talks about. When they are invited to Lunch, Sherlock cannot see what the problem is. One shot.Rated: Fiction K - English - Humor/Family - Sue B. & Sherlock H. - Words: 2,072 - Reviews: 23 - Favs: 27 - Follows: 8 - Published: 09-25-11 - id: 7411794
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
OK two things with this to make the story work I have swapped the Character Angela Morrison for Harriet Watson.
Secondly whereas Outnumbered runs 2007-present, and Sherlock runs 2010 to present I have bumped Outnumbered a few years forward so Karen is 6, Ben is 8 and Jake is 12.
It had been one of those 'quiet evenings' after a case, when Sherlock had agreed to eat something, and sat sated and sleepy in his chair, and John sat with his laptop typing up the latest case. When the landline started ringing, both men stared at it for some time. The only people who ever rang that number was cold callers and officialdom. Everyone else they knew, and all clients either texted or rang their mobiles.
"You get it" a sleepy and drawling Sherlock called from the folds of his dressing gown, "tell them to go away".
John puffed out slightly, and heaving himself out of the chair grabbed the receiver. The voice on the other end of the line was familiar but surprising to him. This Sherlock deduced by the rather startled 'hello' and the hand carefully run through John's short hair.
"erm….yes well I think we could do that?" John stumbled into the handset. "No we haven't got a case so it shouldn't be a problem"
Sherlock sat up trying to deduce the caller.
"I haven't spoken to him recently no" John continued, his voice slightly high pitched with concern. "No, that doesn't sound good?"
"What did they say?" head pressed on the wall
"Oh right yes, well we'll need to discuss that!" The hand ran through his hair again.
"Well if you're sure you don't mind, that would be very kind" a slight giggle.
"Okay then we'll see you tomorrow" a heavy sigh
"Me too, bye" head back onto the wall as he hung up the receiver.
The silence filled out the room, as John thought through the best way to explain his conversation. Tapping his fingers on the wall and attempting to arrange his face into the semblance of a smile.
"Your fathers not well?" Sherlock asked, startling John into turning around. "And your sister wants us to go over tomorrow for lunch to discuss it?"
"Yes, well that's the gist…"
"I don't see why you were worried, sounds logical to me, I'd be happy to accompany you" Sherlock stated flopping back on the sofa happy with his deductions.
John ran both hands through his hair again, "It's not that simple Sherlock" he sat down opposite his flat mate "it's not Harry who's asking."
Sherlock sat up suddenly, "you have another sister? Why am I only finding out about this now?" he asked urgently.
"Well, Harry and I have very little to do with Sue" John admitted "Harry sees her more than I do"
"Doe's she not approve of you and Harry?" Sherlock asked, fishing.
"No, no nothing like that, she's lovely Sue is utterly lovely"
"Do you not get on with her husband?" The detective asked again.
"No, Pete's great, he's a wonderful guy. Very dry and funny, I think you'll get on. He's a history teacher." The hands ran through his hair again. "It's just, well Sherlock, how do you get on with children?"
The next afternoon found Sherlock and John in a taxi heading towards a quiet suburban street in South London. John was wearing an unusually dark coloured jumper and a pair of very old jeans, which Sherlock had treated with disdain. John however had attempted to convince Sherlock that his Armani trousers, silk shirt and Belstaff coat were not appropriate. Sherlock just smirked:
"Si vis pacem, para bellum".
When they pulled up outside the end house in the lane, John groaned. A battered teddy bear hung from a noose out of an upstairs window. The sound of high pitched yelling could be heard, clearly from the other side of the road. Sherlock paid the cab driver and walked around the cab to join him.
"Are you sure you're ready for this?" John asked
"It's three small children, what can possibly happen?"
As they walked to the door the yelling became louder and more pronounced and as Sherlock rang the bell, a sharp female voice called out.
"Jake can you get the door?"
"Ben get the door!" A pubescent male voice called from upstairs.
"KAREN, DOOR!" A younger male voice called from a space clearly just behind the door.
"Daddy there's someone at the door!" a small female voice called from the interior.
After a few moments, where John and Sherlock just looked at each other amused, the door was opened by a tall frazzled man with greying ginger hair. He smiled warmly at John, and grabbing his hand and dragged him inside.
"John, glad to see you, welcome to the nut house, beer?"
He disappeared into the kitchen with the two men in his wake, he had a sign that said 'shoot me' on his back. As they entered the kitchen, there was a small girl sitting on the counter colouring, and a boy of 12 sitting at the dining room on a laptop. They looked up as John and Sherlock entered and although the boy dismissed them with shallow smile, but the girl just stared.
"Who are you?" she asked.
"Karen!" her Dad shouted, don't be rude.
"But who are they?" she whined?
"It's okay Pete" John assured "Hullo Karen, I'm your Uncle John. I haven't seen you since you were tiny."
"Are you the delusional uncle?" the tot asked
Sherlock laughed, genuinely, his eyes crinkled and his head tipped back. John, Pete and the silent boy just stared at him.
"Who are you then?" Karen asked Sherlock, "Oh are you Uncle John's boyfriend?"
"No, not boyfriend" Sherlock told her "not really my area."
"Does that mean you're a he /she like the Thai people?" a small boy with a mess of brown hair asked, as he came into the kitchen dragging the 'executed' teddy bear.
"BEN!" Pete shouted again. Then looking around the kitchen shouted "Sue! John's here are you coming?" He handed John, and Sherlock both bottles of Bud, "Sorry about the kids, there just…well there always like this if I'm honest"
Sue, Sherlock realised was an entirely different person to Harry or John. Sue was a very homely person, happy as a Mum and genuinely not a thrill seeker. The idea of Sue, going on a bender, or chasing criminals around London seemed faintly surreal. However her caring personality, her genuine concern for those around her, and her patience were pure John. She had fussed over Sherlock, especially when Ben had shot him with a water pistol filled with mustard.
Harry phoned about 20 minutes after John and Sherlock had arrived, apologising but explaining that something had come up and she might not make it, or if she did it wouldn't be till late so they should start without her.
"Is Aunty Harry drunk again?" The older boy asked.
"No, Jake, she's just…" Sue began.
"Tired and emotional?" Sherlock supplied, earning a bottle clink and half salute from Pete. Sherlock had decided that John was correct, he did rather like Pete.
"So what's wrong with Dad?" John asked
"He's getting rather….forgetful" Sue started
"Granddad is not forgetful!" Ben announced "He remembers loads, about the war and about President Kennedy and those moon mices!"
"Yes but Granddad was 9 when the war finished, he's never been to America and…. hang on…. Moon Mices?" Pete asked
"Yes" explained Karen "Granddad said when humans first went to the moon they found these moon mice, but because of the junk the American's and Russians left in space, the species died out and were killed by metal chickens!"
Jake and the adults sat in silence for a moment.
"Hang on" Pete said suddenly "that's the Clangers?"
"So we thought, he was best going in a home" Sue explained after a lengthy conversation on Dad's failing mental health, John agreed and was about to offer to pay when they were interrupted.
"So are you my Uncle Sherlock?" Karen asked, dragging her cuddly hippo towards the consulting detective and placing it on his knee.
"Well…not really, no" Sherlock answered, looking at John for help, "but if it makes it easier for you to understand, then…"
"Oh so what do you do?" Karen continued oblivious
"Karen, we're talking" Pete told her.
"No Daddy, you've finished, you're all going to put Granddad in prison, and Aunty Harry is useless"
"KAREN" Sue yelled "Don't say things like that"
"But it's true" Ben explained with all the patience of voice an eight year old can muster "and you always say we should tell the truth"
"Yes, Ben but" Pete started
"So Karen can ask Uncle Sherlock what he does to pay for his expensive shirt that I didn't really ruin, and Jake and I can eat the jelly."
Pete cradled his head in his hands, Jake went and got the jelly from the fridge, and Sue and John just stared at each other.
"So what do you do?" Karen insisted, nudging Sherlock with the hippo.
"I'm a consulting detective" Sherlock said
"That's not a real job!" Ben told him, "not like a postman".
"Is it a real job?" Jake asked "I've never heard of it."
"Well, I'm the only one I invented the job" Sherlock explained
"See told you!" Ben shrilled "He's making up jobs now; he's as big a liar as me!"
"Karen go to bed" Pete told her for the tenth time.
"But I'm not tired!" she protested wriggling further into Sherlock's lap were she'd been curled for over an hour.
"Yes you are poppet, you can barely keep your eyes open" Sue told her quietly.
"But Ben's still up" Karen complained, chewing lightly on Sherlock's sleeve.
"Yes" said Pete pulling the label off his beer "But Ben ate that thing he found in the garden, and Uncle John thought it best he sat up for a few hours to see if he gained any ill effects."
"Ben does that all the time" Karen whined "he is doing it for attention"
"Yes darling I would normally agree" Pete told her stroking her hair "but we all know what he threw up, and none of us want to go through that again, do we?"
"Mum, Uncle John!" Jake shouted from the living room "Ben's sicking up those things again!"
"Oh heck" Pete, Sue and John said in unison and rushed out of the room.
"You have a very comfortable lap, Uncle Sherlock" Karen told him sleepily "Could I come and live with you and Uncle John?"
"I don't think that would be a very good idea" Sherlock told her stroking her hair.
"No" Karen said yawning "You've probably not got Nick Jnr", she yawned deeply again and snuffling fell fast asleep.
A few hours later, Sherlock flagged a cab outside the Brockman's home. John was covered by sick, Sherlock was covered in mustard and the both looked like they'd been through the mill. The cab driver looked between the two men, and the three oldest Brockman's standing by the gate waving.
"Good night?" the cab driver asked laughing
"I don't want to talk about it!" John sighed, sliding into the back seat.
"Oh come on John, it wasn't that bad." Sherlock nudged him "I had fun". He looked across at his friend who was now fast asleep with his head lolling onto the window.
"That's why I said we'd go for Lunch next Sunday" he added quietly under his breath.
Well hope you enjoyed that.
If you have never seen Outnumbered please look it up on YouTube or similar. The TV show is actually a series of short sketches about the family, nothing really happens, and each segment tends to end with a punch line, or a look.
I hope I've managed to capture that.
Oh and the Clangers were an Oliver Postgate Puppet show from the late 60's and 70's.