|The Best Courier Ever
Author: 0XMethodX0 PM
A story for everyone who was ever encountered poorly written Oc's and lived to tell the tale.Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Humor - Vulpes Inculta & Courier - Words: 3,243 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 13 - Follows: 1 - Published: 09-28-11 - Status: Complete - id: 7418889
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Destiny Lupus-Canis-Raven smiled voluptuously as she peered over at the smouldering ruins of Nipton. It had been only a few days since she had got back on her feet again and already she had stumbled into so many strange situations that even the sight of a town on fire made her yawn rambunctiously. She was a stout little creature. Short and delicate like a dying rose. She pursed her cupids bow shaped lips as she trotted towards the town. To think that only a short while ago this whimsical Courier had narrowly dodged the embrace of the grim reaper. It's true that most people would have been dramatically effected by a gunshot wound to the head similar to the one she had suffered. Goodness, most people would have simply rolled over and died! But Destiny was not like other people. She had practically jumped out of bed the moment she opened her glittering winter-emerald eyes. She had been left for dead by some weirdo in a checkered suit but luckily had survived because she was built to withstand harsh injuries.
Believe it or not this was not the first little 'adventure' she had gracefully flounced upon. Why, not even two hours ago she had helped a group of desperate, befuddled miners by single handedly removing a nest of deathclaws from the quarry they had been mining! Luckily for them Destiny was a good shot with just about any sort of gun, even thought she was only armed with a varmint rifle which she had spray painted bubblegum topaz and toted around with her now she was still a much better gunslinger, having been taught to handle guns when she was 10. But the time she was 11 she was a masterful shot and capable of bringing down even the most unruly beasts in the wasteland. Most people in the town were grateful for this. Even Sunny Smiles, who had approached her when she first woke up with the intention of teaching the languished Courier how to defend for herself was impressed, especially after she had chased away all the powder gangers without even asking the rest of Goodsprings to help. She even offered to stay around a few minutes longer to give Doc a few points in medicine, which totally made sense because you see she had been trained to become a Doctor at the tender age of 12 and with her sharp mind she remembered every little bit of medical knowledge she had ever been taught. Even the stuff that really didn't matter!
Then there was Primm, where the silly old Deputy had to be saved by a horde of convicts. They were nothing against the fiery little Courier. She easily defeated all of them and restored order to the town. There had been talks about her being made the new Sheriff back then, but she had humbly declined through fluttering long lashes for she was burdened by the insufferable agony of a wretched past and as a result found herself unable to stay in one place for long. The Deputy was so thankful to her for her gracious actions that he'd pointed her in the direction of the man who had attacked her. With a bound and a leap Destiny frolicked across the landscape like a fluttering leave caught in a harsh winters breeze.
By the time she came across Nipton she'd already accomplished a meticulous amount of things and as she sauntered past the rows of bloodied heads on pikes and dying people tied to crosses a sliver of agony slowly blossomed in her heart. Destiny had always felt a great deal of pain in watching other people suffer, even ones as unruly as the folks in Nipton, for when she was only 9 years old she had watched both of her parents die right in front of her eyes. It was a boating accident mind you but she still somehow associated even the most unrelated events to her emotional suffering. As the sun beamed down on her luxuriously lily-white skin she approached the town hall, pinning both arms by her sides as she saw a flock of costumed men leering just outside the front door.
It was around this time, for whatever reason, that she recalled when she was 18 that someone had recounted her with stories of a roman themed fraction that fancied calling themselves the Legion. Destiny, having an impeccable memory, remembered that someone had described them as dressing in red the way that these men were. Though she could have easily killed each and every one of them without even breaking a sweat her stomach still knotted with fear as she pursed her rosy little mouth together. Although makeup was now evidently a rarity in the wastelands even if it had existed Destiny would have never needed it. Her complexion was naturally clear and angelic. She'd never had any zits, even when she was a teenager, and in spite of being a Courier who wandered through the dirt and the dust all day without proper access to decent sunscreen she was without marks or wrinkles. The only distinguishable flaw upon her heart shaped face was a tiny mole in the shape of a teardrop beneath her exuberant eyes. It had appeared a few years ago when a gritty, chem-addicted fiend who had been left in charge of her had tried to rape her nearly 301 times. The event was so painful it had left a permanent mark of sorrow upon the young woman's face so that all who saw her could know how much agony her soul was enduring.
The man who approached her seemed to be the ringer leader of the group. Adorned in a fur pelt fashioned into the hat and skulking like a shadow across the ground he struck fear into her mangled little heart. Yet as she was twirled her fingers around her long red hair she could not help but notice that a strange feeling gathered in the pit of her stomach. She shivered ravenously as she felt his eyes scan over her, absorbing the shapely features of her body. Though she was very short in height and seemingly doll-like to most Destiny had inherited her tribal mothers womanly curves. Her hourglass figure was made pronounced by the tight white skirt that adorned her round hips. Her stockings were blue fishnets that had been ripped in strategically fashionable places and covering her upper torso was a tightly lace corset tank top of light mint green with blood red lace trimmings. She was long white fingerless gloves that were spotless and pure in spite of how often she came with contact with grim and around her neck was a brilliant heart shaped sapphire that she had been given by her parents when she was just a small baby and was a symbol of the tribe they had come from. Her leather combat boots dug innocently into the earth as she chewed on her bottom lip, wondering what was going through this strangers mind as he looked at her.
"Let me guess." He asked in a surprisingly erotic sounding voice. Through partially lidded eyes with butterfly-like lashes she watched him cross his arms over his chest. "You are a mysterious Courier who has come all this way after being shot in the head and left for dead in some backwater town?" She was startled by the annoyance in his tone and a fragile blush appeared on her cheeks as she slowly looked up at him, her doe-like eyes swelling with tears. The pendant around her neck glowed eerily, as if it had someone been laced with mystical and yet unexplainable powers. All of a sudden she had a burst of memories, that had somehow been forgotten even though she had already proclaimed herself as having an impeccable ability to recall things. Her heart swell with agony and a brief bout of acid reflux as she absorbed the image of the sexily dressed creature who was standing in front of her.
"Oh Vulpes! Your voice has triggered my pendants magical powers!" She cried softly in a voice as strained as a wounded dove. "You may not remember me right now but I am Destiny Lupus-Canis-Raven your long lost fiance!" As she spoke she clasped her hands together, quivering like a newly blossomed lily caught up in a breeze. "We were toddlerhood sweethearts many years ago in the glorious former state of Alaska before the Legion came along and forced you to join them against your will. I was part of a clan that has the magical ability to conceal memories into their family heirlooms for no explainable reason in spite of how silly and useless such a power can be and only the voice of the wearers true love can unlock it. I traveled many distances to find you and became a Courier because I knew that was essentially the wastelands equivalence of being a mailman and I would eventually have to deliver magazine subscriptions to the Fort or whatever."
"...I was born in Utah." The Frumentarii proclaimed a little stunned by the young woman's words.
"No no. You're completely and utterly mistaken. Those are just false memories that your mind must have made up in order to cope with being separated from me." Destiny gushed with a eager smile, admiring the attractive way that he scowled at her. Even though his eyes were hidden beneath those silly goggles he was wearing she could tell that beneath all that wickedness and murderous contemplations he was really a gentle, loving soul. "It must have been fate that brought me here to meet you for today just so happens to also be my 19th birthday and the anniversary of 125 of the 301 times that an awful nasty fiend tried to rape me." Destiny felt her her lips pout seductively without her meaning to, for although she was very young she had all the poise and grace of a woman ten years her senior. "The only thing that saved me from succumbing to such an awful fate was knowing that you were out there somewhere waiting to find me and take my virginity."
"Do you realize that with only the simplest nod of my head I could have you latched to a cross along with the rest of these Profligates? If you were wise you would learn to hold your tongue." Vulpes asked, maintaining a calm, cool exterior in spite of everything that Destiny was gushing. Obviously he was just putting on that tough-guy act for the rest of his men, she concluded with a melodic giggle.
"Even if you did it would not matter my Dessert Fox. I have fought tougher things that Legionaries in these past few days. The years have been very harsh on me you see- Did I mention that I killed a nest of deathclaws earlier?" She yawned beamingly, suppressing the urge to mention that not only was she remarkable skilled with a gun but had also learned a vast amount of hand-to-hand combat. The tribe she had come from, which was apparently located in Alaska even though she had no recollection of just how she'd managed to scale across the continent to get to the ruins of Las Vegas when there were no longer planes or late-night buses to catch, was well known for a multitude of things. One of these just so happened to be their fighting skills (to tie up the loose end she recalled that only women learned such skill and therefore Vulpes had been evidently screwed over), which Destiny had easily learned when she was only 6.
He rolled his eyes, knowing that the sarcasm he displayed would be misinterpreted as some sort of admiration by this girl. "So you are a delicate little flower with all the traits of a helpless little virgin waiting to be ravished who just so happens to also be the strongest human being in this post-war world. What are the odds..."
She blushed furiously having paid no attention to anything he said besides the mentioning of virginity and ravishing. In her whimsical little mind she had the faintest glimpse of the future (her clan also possessed psychic abilities) and her heart fluttered wildly when she saw the images of herself tied to a bed covered in blood red silk sheets and rose petals while Vulpes torn off her clothes and defiled her...in a sexy way of course. Not in an icky, gruesome bad-touch sort of way that you might have gotten with someone who was less attractive. And after many many instances of heated love making (because that was what you called sex that was super awesome) they would eventually get married. And even though the Legion was essentially a boys-only club that was dedicated to treating women like garbage she was destined to join Vulpes as a Frumentarii, only she would be the youngest one to ever exist and Ceasar would be so impressed by her combat skills that she would never have to climb the ranks like an ordinary Legate. She smiled happily, clasping her hands together in a docile way as the vision slowly passed by.
"Oh Vulpes!" She exclaimed in a voice as sweet as honey. "I know that your are still fighting the awful darkness inside of you and I want you to know that even though I know you will abduct me against my will and carry me back to the Fort as a slave my love for you will still be strong and true!"
Obviously she was right about him wanting to abduct her. In fact Destiny was certain that every single Legion there wished to throw her over one should and carry her back to the Fort. Although she cursed her beauty bitterly each and every day in between combing her luscious long locks and finding ways to hem her skirt shorter Destiny could not help the intense desires she provoked in others. Most men who cane across her were smitten by her looks. Some had even mistaken her for an angel for she was so pale and gentle to everyone she met. Of course Vulpes had a very unusual way of abducting her, for he was uber sexy and beyond the stereotypical methods of capturing a female. His method involved the ingenious method of wandering at a brisk pace out of the town while Destiny trailed behind him, never looking back and seldom acknowledging her presence. Of course he was so overwhelmingly alluring that she had no choice but to follow him and therefore it was still an abduction because although she was constantly imagining what it would feel like to jump the Frumentarii's bones she was still totally being forced to follow her against her will. It was okay though, because although Vulpes pretended not to be interested but she knew he was already head over heels in love with her. The way he ignored her was absolute proof of this.
As they headed down the path towards Cottonwood Cove several men who had been stationed at the camp turned and frowned as they saw Destiny walk by. She rolled her eyes at them, making sure to put on her best "I'm-a-naive-little-virgin-but-I-can-still-kick-your-ass" attitude she could possibly muster. They were just idiots. Half of them were probably jealous that they couldn't have her for themselves and the other ones weren't capable of complex thought mostly due to being the redshirts of the Legion organization.
Cursor Lucullus put up very little fight when Destiny promptly climb into the boat that Vulpes and the rest of his men were settling into. The ferrymen briefly shot her a look of dissatisfaction but she snubbed her perfect nose up at him. He was lucky that anyone could remember his name. After all, being a ferryman was probably the most uncool thing that anyone in the Legion could be.
The whole time they were journeying to the fort all Destiny could think about was Vulpes. She couldn't wait to tell him more about her past. There were so many other things she had left out at Nipton. Like hoe she was actually the long lost daughter of Caesar but had been adopted by a loving couple who had made her vow to keep it a secret from everyone for as long as she lived. Or the undeniable truth that her glowing, future predicting, memory-unleashing pendant also just so happened to be a key that would unlock the robotic army Mr. House had built because her mother had been a distant relative of his and he had made the necklace as a failsafe incase the platinum chip was lost but simply forgot about it's existence over time. She sighed mournfully as she wondered whether revealing her dark secrets would cause massive celebration or pure chaos in the Legion.
While she was perched dainty near the edge of the boat awaiting her oh-so tragic fate (no to mention hot sexy-times with the Fox man) a fragile smile formed on the corners of her perfectly shaped mouth. Her heart was pounding loudly in her chest by the time they reached the Fort. She was so full of sorrow and love and other miscellaneous desires that she thought she was going to burst like a soap bubble. She practically skipped up the front steps she was so full of life, forgetting that this was meant to be a super serious abduction of sorts. Nothing was going on inside Destiny's mind. Her brain was as hollow and predictable as her character was, so when the guard standing near the front gate whipped out a broad machete and slashed it towards her she was so busy thinking about how perfectly-darkly-sexily-wonderful that her life was going to be that she did not notice it...until it contacted with her neck of course.
"Damnit. Not another one." The man said with a gravely chuckle as he nudged her severed heard with one foot. He looked up at Vulpes expectantly, unamused by how callous and indifferent he was towards the issue. "Caesar ordered you to stop allowing them to follow you back to the Fort. We're running out of room to store the bodies."
Vulpes shrugged his shoulders. Even though it had been just a few months since the gradual flow of sparkly eyed and combat ready "Couriers" had started harassing him the Legionate had adjusted quite well. For you see he was a naturally cold and vindictive man. A man who had grown up around violence and bloodshed and whose opinions had been crafted and carefully twisted by the will of his Leader as well as hours upon hours of character development. He was immune to the charms of the Mary Sues. With a callous smirk toying in the corners of his mouth he studied the bloody remains of this "Destiny", pondering over how even her blood seemed to be glittery and unnatural."Hmmm..." He said, giving the situation a little bit of thought before an idea popped into his mind; "I wonder...Does anyone know if Antony fed the dogs today?"