Author: angelsinstead PM
This fairytale story is loosely based off several characters including Starr, Schuyler, Irene, Todd, Blair, John, Brody, Tomas, plus more!Rated: Fiction M - English - Humor/Parody - Starr M. & Schuyler J. - Chapters: 2 - Words: 3,768 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 2 - Published: 10-03-11 - Status: Complete - id: 7435446
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Also, I'd like to note that I do not own ABC's One Life to Live or the characters and I will NOT be receiving any payment whatsoever for writing this story. It is intended for entertainment purposes only.
~*Starr White: Chapter One*~
Far, far away in a kingdom nobody's heard of called Llanview, there lived a beautiful young queen named Blair. One night as the Queen sat there snipping away with a sharp pair of silver scissors, she was gazing up at the night's sky. Her eyes had caught upon a bright, twinkling star looking so proud and beautiful within the winter's sky. A smile on her face, Blair placed a hand upon her growing stomach. While she gazed at the star, Blair thought to herself, *I wish the child I carry would have eyes that twinkled so bright like the stars, and skin so fair just like the winter's snow.*
Soon after, Queen Blair had given birth to a baby daughter who had fair skin like the winter's snow and eyes that twinkled just like the stars at night. When Queen Blair saw her baby, she declared, "She shall be named Starr White." Yet sadly, not long after little Starr was born, the Queen herself had sadly died.
Caring for an infant on his own was extremely difficult and after several dirty diapers and weeks of being spit-up on, King Todd had sent for his mother Irene to help him with the grim task of childcare. Irene was an evil woman, but proud and haughty, and she only wanted unhappiness and misery for her son, The King.
Disappearing into her bedroom, Irene gazed into her wonderful looking-glass. As she stood in front of it, she said, "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the most beautiful and evil one of them all?"
And the looking-glass replied, "Why, it's you, Evil Bitch-Whore, you art the most beautiful and evil witch of them all!"
Cackling happily, Irene was so pleased with her Magic's Mirror's answer. Staring at her reflection, Irene knew that the looking-glass spoke the truth. In the kingdom of Llanview, she was the most beautiful and evil, and no other had ever surpassed her. In fact, Irene was known for harming small animals and children. They all hated her, one and all. Everywhere she went, little dogs pissed on her leg and small children ran screaming from her in fear. Setting bombs and blowing up innocent women and kids was her specialty. Everyone knew she was evil, except for Todd. She had him fooled that she was most kindly and would be a wonderful grandmother to Starr. What he didn't know was that one day she hoped Todd would fall over dead, and she would become the Evil Queen.
As Starr White grew up, she became more and more beautiful. And one day when she was seventeen years old, she had became far more beautiful than even Irene herself. On Starr's seventeenth birthday, Irene stood there in her bedroom and once again she was gazing into her enchanted looking-glass.
"Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the most beautiful and evil one of them all?"asked Irene.
The magical mirror answered, "Thou art the most evil bitch I have ever seen... but Starr White, your granddaughter is more beautiful than you now, I do believe."
"What?" the wicked Irene shrieked as she became green with envy. "She can't be better-looking than me!"
From that moment on, whenever she looked at Starr White, Irene began to plot her granddaughter's death. She hated the girl so much. "I shall kill her soon and Todd as well, and then the whole Kingdom will be mine," the demented Irene cackled.
Irene called for her henchman who was known as Agent Kent. "Take my worthless granddaughter into the forest. I will no longer have her in my sight." Irene commanded. "Kill her at once... and bring me back her tiny heart as a my afternoon snack!"
The henchman obeyed and led Starr into the forest away from the watchful eye of King Todd. "Why did you bring me here into the forest?" Starr asked Agent Kent suspiciously.
"I brought you here to pick berries to make your dear, sweet grandmother Irene a pie," responded the henchman.
"Well, okay..." said Starr quietly, thinking it odd because her grandmother wasn't dear or sweet; she was evil, and the wicked grandmother did not even like pie.
As Starr began picking berries, Agent Kent came up behind her with his knife drawn and ready to pierce the young woman's delicate skin. Turning around quickly, Starr's knee came up swiftly between the henchman's legs.
"I knew you were a lying hunk of horse manure! You work for my evil grandmother!" Starr exclaimed. "I shall run away from you into the woods, and I will NEVER come home again!"
Grunting in pain and clutching his groin, Agent Kent could not defeat Starr. "Run away then, you nasty little brat!" he said with a sneer. "I hope wild dogs come along and devour you!"
And as Starr ran off into the woods, Agent Kent knew what he must do. He grabbed the nearest animal which happened to be a porcupine by the name of Morris and stabbed it repeatedly with his knife. He then cut out it's heart and brought it to Irene as proof that he had slain Starr White.
When she saw the bloody heart, Irene couldn't have been more pleased. She had the cook sprinkle salt on the bloody morsel, then she enjoyed it with her afternoon milk and cookies. "Good bye, Little Starr," said Irene as she devoured the last crimson bite.
Alone in the forest, Starr was terrified. She longed for her father, The King, but she did not dare go back home. *Whatever shall I do?* she thought as she wandered along, looking so sad and forlorn.
She walked deeper into the forest until it was almost evening, and it was then she had come upon a small cottage. Her legs were weary, so she went inside for a bit of rest. Everything in the cottage was minature in size, but it was neat, clean and comfortable, so Starr decided she would stay. Upon the table were seven tiny plates and beside each of those plates were seven silver spoons. Above each of the plates were seven tiny mugs. *How curious,* thought Starr as she made her way into the bedroom. Against the wall, she found seven little beds all standing in a row and made up with seven tiny bedspreads.
*Wow, I wonder if Mini-Me and six little brothers live here?* Starr was thinking.
Struck by hunger and thrist, Starr went back into the kitchen. She ate all the meat and vegetables off of every single plate and then drank all the wine from all seven cups. Feeling rather drunk, Starr grinned and hiccupped. Then, tired due to her long walk through the forest, Starr lay down across all seven of the little beds and fell into a deep, deep sleep.
When it was quite dark the owners of the cottage had returned to have their dinner. Unfortunately, they had all been turned into dwarves by the evil Irene. At one time, all seven had been tall, handsome men. Now they were each about two and half feet tall and had been cursed with tiny, almost nonexistant penises.
Entering the cottage, the seven dwarves realized that their cottage was not the same as they had left it. Something was different. The first dwarf by the name of Tomas said, "Who the hell has been sitting in my chair?"
"I don't know, but someone ate all the food off my plate," said Brody, the second dwarf.
"And who has eaten all of my bread?" asked Cutter, the third little dwarf.
"I dunno, but someone sunk their teeth into my meat," said the horniest dwarf who was called John.
The fifth dwarf who was known as Nate scratched his balls while standing in the kitchen as the sixth dwarf named Rex was complaining that someone had drank up all the wine.
"Who cares, let's make a porno," responded the nastiest dwarf by the name of Rick.
"Okay, let's go into the bedroom," the dwarf named John agreed.
Scurrying along, they all ran into the bedroom. It was then they saw the beautiful young woman lying across their beds. "Who is sleeping in our beds?" Brody gasped.
Quietly, Tomas lit seven little candles, letting the light fall upon Starr White's lovely face. "Holy shit!" John gasped. "Isn't she lovely? Do you think she might like to star in our porn?"
Climbing into bed with Starr White, the seven little dwarves snuggled up to her. Rick had a wicked smirk upon his face. Suddenly then Starr woke up, seeing the seven creepy little men. "Who the hell are you?" she gasped.
"We are the seven dwarves," spoke Thomas. "And who are you?"
"My name is Starr White," she replied. "My evil grandmother tried to kill me, so I ran off into the forest and found my way to your house."
"Ohhh, that's kewl," said Nate. "Would you stay and be our wife?"
"Uhhh... no, I like my men bigger and better-looking," Starr responded. "But I will take care of your house. I can cook and do the dishes. Please let me stay! My grandmother is a totally evil bitch."
"Sure, you can stay," Brody gave in. "You can stay with us forever and if your evil grandmother comes, we will take care of her. We will drop our pants, show her our small penises, and she will run."
"Yes, and when we are away, you should let no one come in," said John. "But if she does try to capture you, it will be me who will rescue you."
Days passed, and Irene consulted her magic mirror to once again ask, "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the most beautiful and evil one of them all?"
Laughing hysterically, the mirror responded, "Not you, you dumb bitch! Ohhh Irene, you are the evilest of all I see, but your granddaugher Starr White is alive and well, and no one ... NO ONE is more beautiful than she."
"Fuck you, Mirror!" screamed Irene, yet she knew that the mirror never spoke falsely. Somewhere in the woods her granddaughter was alive and well, and Irene vowed wickedly that she would find her.
"And Agent Kent, that dumb-shit is gonna pay!" she grumbled.
When she had found Starr's location, Irene dressed up in old clothes, painted her face, and headed on over to the cottage where Starr White was staying with the dwarves. Irene knocked on the door and called out, "Avon lady!"
Starr looked out the window and saw the little old lady dressed in rags. Taking pity on her, Starr opened the door. "Hello there, what have you to sell?" Starr asked.
A wicked smirk on her face, Irene held up some sexy lingerie. "Try this on, my child. It's guaranteed to turn all the dwarves on," said the old lady with a wink.
"No thank you, then," said Starr, rolling her eyes. Thinking the old woman a nuissance, Starr almost shut the door right in her face.
"How about this shiny red apple then?" she said, holding the piece of fruit out to Starr.
"Ohhh I can't resist. It does look delicious," Starr stated, taking the apple and giving the peddler woman some coins.
"Eat it, my child," cackled the old hag. And because Starr was so hungry, Starr raised the apple to her lips.
She bit into the apple and began munching upon the sweet fruit. A wicked look upon her face, Irene saw her granddaughter enjoying the poisoned treat. Suddenly then Starr fell lifelessly to the floor.
"She's dead at last," said the evil Irene as she stood over Starr White's crumpled body. "Now I can go home and prepare to do away with my son. The kingdom and everything in it shall be mine!"