Oh God Help Us!

Author Note: Am I Joanne Kathleen Rowling? Nope. It's not mine, then. The secret's out, and now Al and Rose have to try to live peacefully as Hogwarts grips this information. I'm upping the story rating to 'T' because of this chapter - there are a few steamy kissing scenes hinted at, and the phrase 'unpleasant little scrotum' is included as a character description. Paranoia is the curse of every writer, I know.

Rose was relaxing in the library reading a book on one of her favourite topics ('Nutter' James and Lily quoted - they both got hexed by Al for this) when Cynthia suddenly turned up out of the blue.

"Hey Rose." the Ravenclaw grinned. Rose lifted her head and smiled.

"Engrossed? Typical of you. I've been engrossed too, with some geneological digging, just to prove that-" Cynthia paused to lower her voice "yours and Al's relationship." she then resumed at normal volume. "-isn't as twisted as it seems. Look at old pureblood cases you've heard about."

"True." Rose mused, rubbing her chin with the feather of a spare quill.

"Here, look at these notes I made with a very detailed family tree sketch." Cynthia beamed, unfolding parchment and placing it on the table. Rose peered, intrigued. "Aha. A Potter marrying a Black somewhere along the way in history. Makes sense for Sirius Black and James Potter The First to be distantly related, actually." the ginger girl laughed. Cynthia smirked a solemn smile.

"You think that's strange, hmm? Look at another line. See if there's another familiar name, three generations down from Phineas Nigellus."

"But Cynthia, I don't see- oh. Oh! This is tricky." Rose stammered. She'd seen Arthur Weasley's name. Cynthia saw the cogs whirring in Rose's head and nodded.

"If my calculations are correct, and I doubt they aren't, your Uncle Harry and Aunt Ginny are third-cousins." the older girl said. Rose nearly bellowed with a mix of emotions but stopped herself, then skimmed the tree Cynthia had made. "Teddy's here too. Dom will be weirded out then." she commented.

"Fourth-cousins-once-removed." the wise eagle said, nodding and nearly laughing.

"I think we have a visit to pay to our favourite Potter siblings." Rose smirked, rolling up the tree and heading off to the Gryff common room. After Rose said the password, the girls walked in to find James and Albus playing chess in a corner. Luckily, the room was relatively empty. Al saw the girls first and smiled.

"Hey Rosey-Rose." he beamed, pecking her on the cheek as she sat down.

"Hey Albie." Rose replied, snuggling into him. James face-palmed.

"I never said I'd be cool with this instantly."

"Actually James, you should be. Look." Cynthia said, showing him the tree.

"But Cynth-"

"Your parents are related to each other, James." she replied in a no-nonsense manner. Both James and Albus froze at this, putting down their chess pieces. Al looked at Rose, who nodded.

"Third-cousins." she stated. After Al's inital shock, a sly smile appeared on his face.

"What?!" James asked, utterly perplexed. Al's smile grew larger.

"Checkmate!" he screamed. James looked at the board and Al's piece he'd used.

"NO!" the elder Potter bellowed. "Not fair, I wasn't concerntrating! Albus, you swine!"

"There's my chess champion." Rose whispered. Al blushed slightly.

"You can't be telling the truth. Mum and Dad aren't related, are they?" James asked.

"Yep. The Potters and Weasleys are both descended from the Blacks. Your great-grandmother on your dad's side was a Black before she got married, and a female Black descendant married Septimus Weasley." Cynthia said bluntly as she traced the appropriate lines back with her fingers for James.

"Well blast me." he stammered. "I guess I can't criticise you." he continued, looking at Albus and Rose, who smiled before cuddling. Al whispered something into Rose's ear, and she nodded, grinning more than ever, then something came to her.

"Hey, weren't Teddy and Dom the first ones to know about us?" she pondered to Al.

"Well, they were the first ones to find out about my feelings for you, if you want specifics." he corrected with a eye-glint. Rose lightly pouted as Al ruffled her hair.

"Hmm. Funny, because..." the lion brainbox proclaimed, gesturing to the tree.

"What the hell?!" James exclaimed - Albus said the same question in sync, but in just mild shock. The green-eyed boy then proceeded to study the family tree to figure it out.

"They're fourth-cousins-once-removed." he declared.

"Good Merlin... please tell me they know that." James mumbled. Rose smiled.

"Oh no." James groaned, knowing what that smile meant. Albus shrugged nonchalantly. By miracle of miracles, a certain Lily Luna Potter decided to walk in.

"What's going on?" the second-year asked.

"Tincy bit of fun studying." Al laughed. Lily looked purely baffled.

"The words 'fun' and 'studying' shouldn't be in the same sentence, and if they are the sentence comes out of Rose's mouth." she stammered, narrowly avoiding a hex from Rose at the criticism.

"I just found out that dear Teddy is related to us." James told his sister.

"Well duh, he's our godbrother." Lily dead-panned, rolling her eyes.

"And also our third-cousin-twice-removed." James said. Lily's jaw dropped.

"Oh, and Scorpius Malfoy is that relation to us as well." Albus inspected, shrugging. "Hmm. He's not a bad bloke, I guess. Just a bit uptight at times."

"Dad was wrong to keep his prejudice." Rose commented.

"Granddad Weasley would never forgive you for marrying a pureblood." James laughed, elbowing Rose and quoting Ron's words on the platform on Al's and Rose's first day of their Hogwarts career. Rose tackled him.

"Ahhh!" James screamed. "Help!" he continued, pinned down by his crazy cousin. "HELP ME!" he positively screamed, his eyes pleading with Cynthia. But Miss Goldstein was too busy shrieking with laughter at the comical scene before her. "Pr-protego!" she laughed, casting her wand at Rose. Rose screamed, being flung backwards. "Ah, the wonders of a shield charm." Cynthia grinned. Albus looked annoyed. In fact, he looked very ruddy annoyed at Cynthia's mindless violence. Rose absent-mindedly wondered how a shield charm could linger its effects on a human.

"Gee, wonder of a spell there." Rose mumbled as James, seeing that he was free from Rose, got up grinning. Al faced Cynthia with a stone-cold look.

"Don't get all defensive!" the Ravenclaw declared as Lily was chanting 'Albie wurves Wosie' in an immature voice. Al fought the urge to give Lily a rude gesture. He sighed as Rose snuggled into him again.

"You know, you're right. You guys do look sweet together, the cousin thing aside." James said. Albus thankfully smiled at James and then kissed Rose.

"Well Annie once said that we were the total epitome of cuteness." Rose beamed.

"That's Annie for you." Al smiled, silently thanking his close friend. "Even if she does seem to have an Invisibility Cloak."

"How's that?" Cynthia asked.

"She always turns up in the most random places." Rose replied. "Actually, come to think of it, so do you." Cynthia connected the dots at what Rose might be getting at.

"Oh, that's why Dom defended you when I suddenly saw you three the other day. She knew."

"Yep." Rose grinned, ruffling Al's hair. James chuckled. "What?" Rose pondered.

"The look that'll cross Uncle Ron's face when he finds out about you."

"That's not funny. And besides, when we do tell the whole family, we're going to be nice and calm about it so hopefully they'll be OK." Albus declared.

"Have you seen Mum's Bat-Bogeys?" Lily reasoned. Al face-palmed.

"One slight hiccup-" but James never got to finish his sentence.

"One slight hiccup! Aunt Ginny's Bat-Bogeys are demonic!" Rose exclaimed.

"Fun as this has been, especially watching Al and Rose get all lovey-" Cynthia openly giggled when both Al and Rose went absolute brick-red "I must retreat to the land of fresh parchment and ink." she half-smiled, walking out. James pouted. "Oh fine." the Ravenclaw sighed playfully, doubling back to give James a kiss on the cheek. "Bye guys." she waved, walking out for sure this time. The next day Rose and Scorpius were Potions partners - Gryffindor and Slytherin still had the class together.

"Hello Rose." the Slytherin half-smiled. Rose looked at him.

"Hey Scorpius." Rose said, her mouth twitching. "I'll go get the armadillo bile." she continued, walking off to the store cupboard.

"It's strange that Albus is alongside us in this class making the Wit-Sharpening Potion." Scorpius commented once Rose had returned. "I'm not sure whether he would need it or not."

"Are you insulting or complimenting my dear cousin, Mr. Malfoy?" Rose asked, a look in her eye. Scorpius seemed to shrink a little.

"Haven't made up my mind." he mumbled.

"Well let's hope for your sake you're complimenting me." Al piped up. "And Rosie?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks for the 'dear cousin' label."

"No problem at all Albie." Rose smiled lovingly as Scorpius grounded the scarab beetle. After the lesson, Al and Rose had a good laugh about its events.

"Imagine Scorpius suggesting that you need to become wittier!" Rose chuckled.

"I know! I mean, Wit-Sharpening Potion also has its uses in making the drinker think clearer. Some people might think I need for that purpose when I do stuff like this." Al said, finishing with a kiss on Rose's lips. A light blush donned Rose's cheeks.

"Aww. Embarassed?" Al teased, tickling his girlfriend.

Rose shook her head mutely, her face burning. "You are! I find it sweet that after eleven weeks of being with me, wittle Wosie still gets embawassed." Al smirked, copying Lily's immature voice. Rose playfully nudged him, still as red as her hair. As they neared the end of the corridor and Rose's blush calmed, they saw a very strange sight. Megan Finch-Fletchley, covered in pimples, with her eyes watering due to the effects of the curse (not from emotion).

"What happened?" Rose asked, approaching Megan with concern.

"Flint." Megan moped. Al gripped his wand tightly - Marcus Flint Junior, a fifth-year, was the nastiest Slytherin around. A few, like Scorpius, derived their behaviour from the redemption that some green-and-silver-clad names had managed to get. But there were still unpleasant little scrotums like Flint Junior still helping the dark snake reputation linger. Red and gold sparks flew from the offensive instrument.

"We'll repay that favour, Megan. Mark my words." Rose supplied.

"You will?" Megan questioned. Rose rolled her eyes.

"Megan, when have we not been nice to you? Sure, Al dearest makes jokes about your hair, but it's all in jest."

"Not to mention that your brother will do his nut if he saw this and act all 'chivalrous', driven by blind stupidity." Al whispered to Rose. Rose nodded slightly, a slight smile crossing her face. She was fighting so hard not to laugh at Al's words. "No doubt about it Megan, you said 'if anyone gives you trouble, tell me', and we're doing the same for you." Al proclaimed. Megan smiled and patted Al's shoulder in gratitude. Rose ran off, looking for the one person who could help. Al smiled awkwardly.

"She's so Gryffindor." Megan sighed comically, tilting her head in Rose's direction.

"Hugo is way worse. Well, he and Rose are Ron and Hermione Weasley's children."

"You do realise you're slating your cousins?" Megan half-laughed. Al shrugged.

"Rose is my best friend until the day I die. We can tease each other endlessly and it won't matter." Al stated, his heart hammering with love for his redheaded beauty.

"Al? You OK? You look a little flushed." Megan noticed. Albus nodded weakly.

"Help is here!" Rose proclaimed, dragging a disgruntled Scorpius in tow. "Nowww Scorpius, tell us the Slytherin common room password." But Scorpius looked negligent to do so.

"Oi!" Albus yelled. "Tell us!" he continued, blowing his top.

"M-monty cobra." Scorpius stammered, truly scared now having witnessed Al's rage.

"Good boy." Rose smiled, patting his head. Megan cheered up at this.

"No need to be patronising. You could have asked nicely." Scorpius stated.

"Eh. Not my style." Rose laughed. Al chuckled deeply, knowing what her style was.

"Oh god help us!" Scorpius squawked, running off immediately. Megan's chest was hurting after screaming with laughter at the tone of the squawk.

"I guess I should go to Madam Pomfrey." she laughed. Rose shook her head.

"I have a better idea." she smiled, winking. "Just tell Dom to Accio a Bubotuber. She should have special Head Girl permission. Squeeze it onto a cloth, and dab the cloth on your face."

"Thanks Rose." Megan smiled, walking off to the Hufflepuff common room.

"Hugo will bow down to you." Al smirked. Rose shrugged.

"Oh gee, I may have helped out the girl he's sort-of awkwardly crushing on. That didn't cross my mind." she giggled, playing dumb. Al suddenly started skipping.

"We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz..." he sung. Rose looked at him as though he'd gone completely utterly mad.

"What, and I repeat, what - the - ruddy - hell?" she questioned, supremely perplexed.

"I just felt like singing." Al reasoned, giving Rose the puppy-dog eyes. She sighed.

"You're mad."

"You love me for it." Al proclaimed.

"True." Rose reasoned, stroking his shoulder.

"Now who's being sensual? You're shouldering me Rosie." Al beamed with a laugh.

"Shouldering you, hmm? More like shuddering." Rose purred. Al did shudder at that.

"Are you sure there's not a cat gene left in your mother from the Polyjuice Potion? Because you seem to have inherited it." Al said. Rose led him to a broom cupboard.

"Hideaways can appear at the most random of times." she whispered. Al eye-rolled.

"Rose, why don't we just go to the Room of-"

"But Al!" Rose pretended to whine. Al naively believed her. "I want a snog from my favourite cousin!" she fake-whined. Al scooped her into his arms and Rose opened the cupboard door with her wand. After a good ten minutes, Al came out of there covered in hickeys, Rose with a manic smile on her face. Al thought she looked 'evil'.

"Oh be quiet you. You wanted those." she grinned. Al nodded numbly with reason. "Cat got your tongue?" Rose purred. Al snorted with laughter.

"I'll get you back." he replied.

"You sure?"

"Look who was all meek and 'I'm so embarassed!'" Al supplied. Rose hung her head.

"OK Potter, you win this round."

"Win this round of what?" James asked, appearing in the corridor. "What do I win this round of?" His eyes darted to Al, then Rose, then back to Al. Rose walked backwards, hoping to shield the cupboard from James' view - but she failed to do so. "I'm not the Potter in question, am I?" he reasoned, an echo of a gleam in his eye.

"Oristika ochi." Rose half-smiled, recovering from the shock of James appearing. James looked at Al. Al smiled knowingly. "Damn you Albus Severus." James pouted.

"My namesakes' bravery live on in me." Al defended. Rose grinned sneakily.

"It was brave of you to sneak around with me all that time, sweet Albie." she beamed, pecking him on the cheek.

"All that time?" James questioned. "Just how long have you two been together?"

"Since the first day of the year. I opened up to Rose on the train ride." Al replied. "I was ready to do it straight away but then you and Cynthia interrupted me." he mock-scowled.

Rose laughed, muttering something in Al's ear which made him blush.

"My mock-scowl is not adorable!" the green-eyed boy muttered. Rose giggled.

"Oh Merlin above..." James sighed. Rose punched him. "Oi! You had no rights to-"

"I did, thank you very much."

"Calm down guys." Al protested.

"Alright, Mr. Peacemaker. Hang on..." James trailed, noticing Al's neck. Al blushed. "That's really dirty Rose." the elder Potter said, supressing a shudder and a look.

"He wanted the hickeys. Who am I to say no to my lovely Albie?" Rose proclaimed. Al squirmed on the spot. His girlfriend swept him up in a big hug. "I love you."

"I'll love you 'til my dying day." Al smiled, chuckling. James raised an eyebrow. "I told Megan Finch-Fletchley that Rose is my best friend 'til the day I die. There was an undercurrent, of course, that Megan didn't see."

"Awwww!" Rose beamed. Al leaned down. James cleared his throat.

"Go bug Lily in that god-awful big-brotherly way that you do." Al moaned, pausing to shove James out of the way and point a finger in the opposite direction.

James stomped away, and the lovers could catch him muttering stuff about 'lovesick Al', 'soppy Rose' and 'pesky romance hidden away in broom cupboards'.

"Bugger off!" Rose yelled, pausing the makeout session to yell at James, only to pull Al down again and embrace him very passionately. The snogging ended up back in the cupboard with Al giving Rose a shoulder massage afterwards. In true romantic fashion, Rose had chiselled a small 'AP + RW' into the inside corner of the cupboard, the message being chiselled inside a love heart as well.

"That will be found. You'll get done in." Al reasoned.

"To hell with it." Rose smirked devillishly.

"If your mother could hear you now she'd be over to Hogwarts in a flash." Al gasped.

"Need I quote Hogwarts: A History? Besides, speaking of mothers, you've got the Oedipus complex, dearie." Rose smirked even more, a glint in her eyes now.

"The what now?" Al asked.

"Muggle thing." Rose told him. Al pouted. "Oh Al." Rose sighed, kissing him again. There was only one thought on her mind as Al's green eyes searched her brown ones. He may have the Oedipus complex, but I don't care. I love him.

AN: So sorry about the long wait, but life has thrown me some right curves lately and my Ralbus-related energy sapped away for a while. I've done some of my usual tongue-in-cheek tricks though, because I wanted fellow ultimate Potterheads to scour this chapter for my in-depth jokes - if you can find them! Thank goodness it's summer, so my chapter-writing might speed up, but you never know. In the next chapter, the time-frame will leap from mid-November to the Christmas break. I already have the scene in my head for when Harry, Ginny, Ron and Hermione find out about Al and Rose dating - it'll be epic!