|My Big Boned Gay Wedding
Author: Dixie Chicken PM
In 8th Grade, Cartman asks Butters to gay-marry him. Sure, he mostly just wants the cake and presents and a sweet party but, he also wants to get gay-married. Maybe. Just a little bit. Butters/Cartman or Buttman.Rated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Humor - Eric Cartman & Butters S. - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,675 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 10-09-11 - Published: 10-08-11 - id: 7446347
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Butters had noticed that his boyfriend had been actin' awful quiet and jittery all day. Almost as jittery as Tweek!
'...ok maybe not quite as bad as Tweek, but still pretty bad.' Butters thought, while watching Eric tap his pencil rapidly...staring at the clock. He seemed really distracted by something...not that he ever paid attention in class anyway, but he usually wasn't this bad.
He had already asked him several times if something was wrong but couldn't get anything better than a "NO, I'm FINE! GOD!" out of him, so he turned to Kyle.
"Psst! Hey Kyle?"
"Is everythin' ok with Eric? I think somethin's botherin' him."
"I dunno, dude. He's your boyfriend. Why don't you ask him?"
"Brovloski, Stotch! Shut the hell up, I'm giving an important lecture on spore reproduction!"
"Y-yessir..." Butters mumbled, before turning to Kyle again.
"I tried!" He whispered "But he won't tell me what's wrong...I'm kinda worried."
Kyle sighed, as Butters started rubbing his knuckles together nervously. God dammit...
"Look Butters, Cartman made me promise not to tell you or he'll kill me but...let's just say he has a surprise for you, and it's a good surprise. He said he wants to give it to you later, I don't know when. He's probably just excited, so stop worrying."
And with that, Kyle went back to scribbling down notes. And Butters straightened his back, feeling a small smile tug on the corners of his lips. Eric had a surprise for him? A GOOD surprise? Surprises from Eric Cartman were rarely anything good...what could it be?
Butters stared at Eric from across the room...studying him. He was still looking awful anxious, scribbling furiously in his notebook. Well that was odd...Eric never took notes...
Butters craned his neck to peak, but was caught by their teacher.
"STOTCH! Stop trying to copy of of Cartman's work!"
Butters shrank back in his seat. He glanced back at Cartman only to find him staring intensely at him, covering his scribblings with his beefy arm. Butters flashed a smile to break the tension, but it didn't seem to be working. He eventually gave up and slouched in his seat.
"Aw, hamburgers...I gotta learn some patience..."
Cartman all the while, was still eying Butters up and down, trying to figure out if he read any of his wedding present wish list. Or even more incriminating, his proposal speech. Once he realized Butters wasn't acting any different, he relaxed; ok he was in the clear...but for how long? Cartman looked up at the clock for the 42nd time that period...he still had ten minutes left until lunch GOD DAMMIT time, go faster! He ran his fingers through his hair, with a heavy sigh. Why the fuck was he so nervous? He knew Butters would say yes and fawn over his greatness...shit, maybe free cake and presents wasn't worth all this stress.
….nah, of coarse it was.
Cartman continued to scribble down his proposal, until he felt a light tap on the shoulder.
"Meeeh! What do you want, Craig? You butt-licker?"
Craig, in typical Craig fashion, flipped Cartman off. But then followed it up with a "you ok?"
"Yes I'm fine, Craig, GOD!"
"None of your fucking business, that's what!"
Cartman growled, while using his entire body to cover the paper. Craig just shrugged.
"Whatever...you just seemed nervous about something and I just thought us fags should look out for each other."
Cartman scoffed, finally turning around.
"I'm not a fag, Craig! I'm a quarter bi! Just because I'm fucking a guy, doesn't mean I'm totally gay. How many times do I gotta explain this to people!"
"What does that even mean?"
"It MEANS, I got the gay gene, but the only one who brings it out is Butters. An maybe Mel Gibson..."
"So how is Butters?"
"He's fine...how's Thomas?"
"He called the Principal a 'titty-sucking-snatch-goblin' yesterday and got away with it."
"Damn dude, your boyfriend's pretty coo'."
"I know." Craig smiled, leaning back in his chair. "He's the coolest kid in the whole world..."
Cartman smirked...maybe Craig wasn't a TOTAL butt-licker...
Finally, fucking FINALLY, the bell rang. Cartman wanted to plow through all of the small-boned kids and just get this proposal over with! But as soon as he grabbed Butters' warm little hand, he ended up waiting by the door, before turning back to Craig.
"Yo, fart-sniffer! You wanna eat at our table today?"
Craig shrugged. "Sure why not, fat-boy? Just lemme text Thomas..." And Craig trailed behind them out the door, pounding on the keys of his phone.
"That was nice of you to invite Craig, Eric...Eric?" Butters tried to get his boyfriend's attention but was unsuccessful. Butters frowned...was Kyle sure that Butters' surprise was gonna be a good one?
"W-why did you invite Craig to eat with us? I thought you hated Craig..."
"Yeah well...I used to think I hated you too when we were younger, but look at how that turned out."
Butters froze in place, letting Cartman's hand slide out of his.
"B-but you don't think you'll ever...like Craig that way do you?"
"Ew what? GOD no! Craig's totally gross! He's got those fucked up teeth!"
God, Cartman could practically FEEL Craig flipping him off right now. Whatevah. Cartman grabbed Butters' hand again, dragging the smaller boy behind him.
"Seriouslah, babe...don't ever worry about that..." Should..should he just do it now? "Butters..."
"N-nothin...let's just go to lunch."
Nah, in a near empty hallway wasn't big and showy enough. And Eric Cartman, if anything, was a big and showy sort of guy. He figured, he could wait a little longer. Plus, he was fucking hungry!
Butters, on the other hand, wasn't sure if he could wait for his super secret surprise any longer.
Lunch was awkward. First of all, Clyde, Token and Tweek would not stop glaring at their table for stealing their two favorite butt-knockers from them. Secondly, Stan smuggled in some Irish Whiskey into school because lunch was "shitty", so now he was being drunk and annoying again.
But mostly, lunch was awkward because Eric still hadn't popped the question yet. And Butters still didn't know what his big surprise was. So they were both twitchy and jittery while powering through their meatloaf.
(Oh, and Kenny was trampled to death in the hallway when the kids learned it was taco salad day. But who the fuck cares? He'll be back tomorrow.)
Cartman scrapped at the bottom of his pudding cup while Kyle tried to start a conversation with Thomas...the Jew always liked Thomas, Cartman never knew why...probably because he gets to say whatever he wants and never gets in trouble.
"So how long have you two been going out, Thomas?" Kyle asked, picking at the crusts of his egg salad sandwich.
"Oh well...We -SHIT-'ve been dating since Octobuh- SHIT-SHIT!...October..."
Craig decided to step in, putting a hand on his boyfriend's shoulder.
"Yeah, I asked Thomas out before Halloween, on account of he's so cool and everything."
"Yeah...and Craig's a real great -COCK SUCKER!"
The entire table was silent, apart from Cartman's giggling. Thomas was completely red in the face, but Craig was just sitting there all nonchalant, picking food out of his braces.
"Thanks, Tom. You're not so bad yourself."
"Th-that's not what I-FUCK! I'm sorry Craig..."
"Don't worry about it, Thomas." Craig simply said, before giving the completely embarrassed boy a kiss on the cheek. "You make me soooo happy."
Butters "aww'd", while grabbing a hold of Cartman's fat palm under the table. "Sounds just like me an' Eric!"
Cartman stopped eating (remarkable, I know), and turned his attention completely on Butters. He made his Butters happy? No one, not even his own mother, ever told him he made them happy.
Well... this was as good as an opportunity as he was gonna get. Let's see how happy he cold make the little fag...
Cartman cleared his throat, squeezing Butters hand just a little bit tighter under the table.
"Y-yeah Eric?" Butters straightened his back...was he finally gonna get his surprise! HO BOY!
"I...I got somethin' important I want to ask you..."
"Oh God, here we go..." Kyle muttered, before sipping his chocolate milk. Cartman ripped his gaze from Butters to scowl at Kyle.
"Kahl, shut up! You're ruining the moment!" Eric spat, before grabbing Butters hand again, pulling him out of his seat.
"Butters?"He started again, suddenly feeling kinda queasy. His stomach felt weird, maybe he should have eaten more for lunch...or less, he didn't know anymore. Shake it off, soldier! Do it for the cake and presents!
...and Butters of course...
"You're the only person in my life that isn't completely lame. You're actually totally sweet! Ever since we were kids, I knew I could always count on you when I needed you. Not to mention you're dead sexy and you're AMAZING in the sack. Seriouslah, that thing you do with your tongue is fucking awesome!"
Kyle choked on his milk, while Stan emptied more contents of his stomach onto the lunch table. Thomas gave an appropriate cry of "FAGGOT!" while Craig gave a thumbs up. Nice!
Butters, all the while, blushed furiously. Completely embarrassed.
"Butters, let me finish..."
That's when Cartman got down on one knee, on the dirty middle school cafeteria floor. Butters clasped his hands over his mouth as his Eric pulled out a plastic, but beautiful and shiny, ring.
"I'm...I'm a total fag for you, dude. So...Leopold Butters Stotch? Will you gay-marry me?"
The entire cafeteria suddenly went silent. Although to be fair, that was probably because they all went deaf when Butters squealed.
"YES! Yes, yes, yes the answer is yes! Oh, Eric..!" Once Cartman was done slipping the 50 cent ring onto Butters' finger, the blonde latched onto him for a big, wet and very public kiss. Stan puked again when Butters slipped Cartman the tongue. Kyle almost joined him when Cartman grabbed a fat-fistful of the blonde's ass. Then Butters pulled away and nuzzled Cartman's fat neck.
"I-I've always dreamed of this...g-gosh, I l-love you so much, E-Eric!" Butters was stuttering more than usual, on the verge of happy-tears.
"Heh...ah luv you too, Butter-Bear..." He smiled, wiping a tear away from his cheek with a fat thumb.
Kyle would have found it kinda sorta almost...cute, if he didn't know Cartman better. But he did know him. And there was no way he wasn't going to blow this out of proportion, and things in South Park were gonna get a little weirder than usual.