|Generally speaking, that's my type
Author: wintermoon2 PM
What was going through Sam's mind in "Threads?" What was she thinking while Pete was babbling at her?Rated: Fiction K - English - Angst/Romance - D. Jackson & S. Carter - Words: 2,192 - Reviews: 3 - Follows: 5 - Published: 10-16-11 - id: 7469453
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
It's so hard to think clearly. I'm supposed to be planning a wedding, which is stressful enough for any woman (just ask anyone who's done it), and I'm supposed to be dealing with acts of intergalactic war and developing a method to keep Anubis from getting that weapon on Dakara, and I'm … I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing about Daniel. Should I be looking for him in the far reaches of the galaxy? Should I be talking to him in case he ascended and is hovering around invisible? Should I be mourning his death, since I'm fairly certain he was on a replicator ship when the weapon went off and that means he would have been left out in space with no protection and died in moments?
I had talked to the General a couple of times, hoping he would have some answers, something to tell me which of these things I should be doing. He didn't tell me to start a search or present any theories. He didn't tell me to plan a memorial service. But, you know, he wasn't extremely helpful otherwise, either. First, his comment about Daniel waiting for us to say nice things made me think he was suggesting Daniel had ascended, but then he said he thought Daniel would come waltzing through the door.
I admit, I looked at the door with him, and only after the General spoke again did I realized I'd been holding my breath, hoping beyond hope that Daniel really would come through that door. I didn't care if he waltzed or moon-walked; I just wanted to see him again. Of course, he hadn't shown up.
It occurred to me later that the General's idea had to be based on a fourth possibility. Maybe Daniel had ascended and would then choose to take human form and come back to us. After hearing him talk about how frustrating it was to see what was happening and not be able to help, I couldn't imagine him staying ascended a second time. We all knew it could be done. Orlin had done it.
I think it was the not-knowing that bothered me the most. I wasn't being sent to look for him, and while I wanted to hold on hope that he was just out there somewhere and would possibly find his way home again, everything military in me said that if I wasn't looking for a missing teammate he was either dead or presumed dead. But that still left me wondering if he was truly dead, in which case I would mourn him, or ascended again, and I'd had enough trouble working out my feelings over that the first time. Oh, after a while, I thought I had adjusted, but it wasn't until I learned that he had appeared to Teal'c and the General that I realized I still had such mixed feelings about it all. I never could mourn like I would a regular human death because I'd met some of the Ancients. That wasn't the same as whatever afterlife I might or might not believe in. It wasn't the same as any afterlife I'd heard of (that wasn't sci-fi or fantasy).
So, these were the thoughts in my head as I watched the evergreens pass by outside the car window. I was completely lost in this jumble of thoughts and emotions and internal puzzles that I really had no clue what I might have missed when Pete suddenly said "Chocolate or Vanilla?"
I turned to look at him, thought about it for a second to see if I could retroactively hear anything he might have said before that, and finally gave in. "I'm sorry. What?"
"Chocolate or Vanilla? The cake. Just in case you can't make the meeting with the caterer."
For the tiniest split second, a little bitty confused, scared, and angry part of my mind thought How DARE you ask me about something so trivial when there's so much going on and we don't know what's next in any of it? Thankfully, I managed to hold that in and the rest of my socially aware mind took over. I did feel bad about missing the florist appointment earlier that day¸ but I felt like I needed to convince Pete.
"I'm sorry. I really do want to be a part of this."
It was true. It was supposed to be the plans for the best day of my life, right? Best day of my life. I'm not sure what that would look like, honestly. I heard Pete say "I hope so." But I was thinking about the fact that some of my better days have involved us successfully defeating one Goa'uld or another, winning some amazing battle, but I think most of the best have been the days when we not only had a good day at work, but the team hung out later for dinner at O'Malley's, or even hockey and beer at the General's house. They'd become my family, especially Daniel, which of course, made me think of him again and stirred up all the trouble I'd been trying to avoid in my head.
"It's your wedding too."
Oh, now that bugged me. Of course it was my wedding too. I could tell he'd been upset, and I did honestly feel bad about it, but I could have done without the guilt trip. He had no idea what I was going through. How could he, when I wasn't even sure.
I missed Daniel. That's all I knew for sure. And if he was ascended again, I just hoped he could come and visit me this time. I couldn't stand the thought of him gone, but gone with a possibility of a visit was slightly more palatable. I'd been a little irrationally upset when he came back and I found out I was the only one on the team he hadn't appeared to.
"I realize this must be weird for you – worrying about place settings when we could be destroyed by aliens at any minute."
Right, because there's that whole weapon that Anubis is after and I can't even talk to you about it because it's classified. Yet another thing I missed about Daniel – talking through our puzzles. I think being around him made me smarter.
"A little." I smiled at Pete, hoping his light tone meant he was feeling better about things.
"We're not about to be destroyed by aliens, are we?"
Oh, there it is… and here comes the lie. "No."
"'Cause you seem a bit distracted." Oh, how I hated lying to him. Yes, of course I was distracted. I had a million other things on my mind, not the least of which was that I honestly wasn't sure if we were about to be destroyed by aliens.
It was hard not to roll my eyes as I said "I'm sorry."
I was feeling a little stressed, like this was one of those times I needed to be alone before I snapped at someone. But I couldn't do that. I was in a car with Pete. Pete who seemed incapable of comfortable silence. I couldn't help but think of all the times Daniel and I had spent time together silently, working, walking, driving, it didn't matter. Oh, and we had tons of things to talk about, but it was just nice that we didn't have to be talking.
Even if he had come to visit just to talk, that would have been good. The Ancients couldn't have had issue with that, could they? Just talking to a friend. I would have loved a friendly conversation while he was ascended.
"So, your dad like me?"
"Of course. Whey wouldn't he?"
Unbidden, I had thoughts of various things Dad had said to and about Daniel over the years. He really cared for and respected Daniel, and I know he was wishing Daniel'd been present when we were translating that wall on Dakara. And of course, if he had been, I wouldn't be wondering about his very existence right now.
"Tough guy to read."
"You just have to get to know him." And, ya know, maybe not refer to Selmak as a thing in his head.
And of course, Pete brought Selmak up right afterwards. Good thing I actually did have good things to say about Selmak.
"How about… Selmak?"
"Ahh. He thought you were very charming." Okay, maybe Selmak hadn't actually said "very".
"For a human."
I really wanted this conversation to be over now. "Well, generally speaking that's my type."
I guess that was an odd statement, but it came across as a joke, so that's okay. I couldn't help but think about it, though. The only non-Goa'uld or Tok'ra I'd been around that was also non-human had been Daniel, during that short time before he'd disappeared from Abydos.
"Did I tell you I also have a surprise for you?"
I wasn't sure how to feel about that. "No, what is it?"
"Tricky…. You'll see."
He was quiet for a few minutes, blissful silence that let me get lost in my thoughts again, until he told me to close my eyes for the last part of the trip. I figured he might have found a great place to have wedding pictures, or maybe he'd set up a picnic in the park for us. I tried not to pay attention to when and where he turned because I knew with my training I'd be able to have a pretty good idea where we were going, and I wanted to honestly be surprised. It seemed to mean a lot to him.
When he stopped the car, he said I could get out carefully and to watch for the curb. As I stepped out, I asked "Can I open them now?"
"Almost." By the time I had the door closed, he was right next to me and took my hand. I heard him take a deep breath. "Okay… Now."
I did say I wanted to be surprised, didn't I? I certainly wasn't expecting a house. It was lovely, but… I hadn't really thought about us looking at houses. I guess I should have. I mean, we're getting married. He might not want to live in my house.
"What do you think?"
"Uh," I glanced around, floundering for words, "Well, uh…"
"Yeah, yeah." You could say that. It seemed like he thought "speechless" was a good thing, but the knots in the pit of my stomach told me it wasn't.
"Isn't it great? Remember our first night together? You described the house you always wanted?"
Oh, the thoughts that were churning through my head. I wasn't thinking about my first night with Pete. Honestly, I could barely remember the details. Yeah, I could see a slight resemblance between this and what I probably described, but there was too much utter terror to really think about that conversation.
"I can't believe this." I think part of me was talking about the house, but mostly I was stuck in this choking, overwhelming emotional turmoil.
"The kitchen isn't yellow, but we can paint." I took a breath, trying to make sure I still could, and I think I might have been trying to say something, but there were no words forming in my head or on my lips. "Come on, I'll show you." He was certainly excited about this. "And you're not gonna believe the backyard. The dog's gonna love it." Dog?
"Dog?" Really, Pete wanted a dog? I flashed back suddenly to when then Colonel O'Neill gave Cassie a dog. He loved dogs, and I'd always been a cat-person. It was one of the sillier things I had used to convince myself that silly crush was fleeting and had no foundation. Seriously, how had I gotten this far with Pete and not learned that he wanted a dog? Daniel and I had talked about pets, but I hadn't discussed it with my fiancé?
Daniel, again. Daniel and I talked about pets. Daniel and I talked about everything. Daniel and I could sit without talking too. Daniel hadn't been human at one point, but I'd still missed him and loved him. Oh shit. I loved him! Holy Hannah, that's why all this felt so wrong! That's why I'd never really dealt with my feelings after he ascended. I'm in love with Daniel Jackson!
And sadly, this revelation only triggered more questions for me. For starters, I still don't know if he's alive, or on which plane.