Author: Nashi Hane PM
Taki's thoughts during a certain scene.Rated: Fiction T - English - Angst/Drama - Taki R. - Words: 572 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 2 - Published: 10-16-11 - Status: Complete - id: 7469698
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
I have found Taki to be an amazingly complex character, and this is the result of an attempt to understand him a little better. Maiden Rose is definitely an 18+ manga, but most people ignore the subtle reasons for that in favour of the blatantly obvious. Thus, my fascination.
Shinka, from my people. Sakone no daisho from the Emperor. Nii-sama from Yura-san and her siblings. Sakuya no wasure-gatami from my uncle. Reizen-kun from those at Luckenwalde. Aruki from Klaus in public. Taki-sama from my men. Taki-san from my equals. Rozen Maiden from those who attempted to translate what I represent to those I rule from my native tongue. They are positions, roles I must play in the intricate dance of court, country, and comrades. I was content in these places, these interlocking puzzle pieces that made up my life. I was born the commander of the left imperial guard, born to rule, to master, to control, to lead. And I command tanks, soldiers, and lives. I rule the ranks, master the battlefield, control the outcome of conflict, lead the life I am supposed to lead but for one, small, personal detail. Just one. I have no desire to command, rule, master, control or lead this one, highly consequential, personally ruinous and utterly desirable failing of mine.
My name is Taki.
He's the only one that calls me that. The only one aside from my immediate family and the 2nd lieutenant to touch me in any way, and they don't touch me the way he does. I went looking for a means for my people to survive, and found my reason for living. My desire. My selfishness. My ruin. How can we... I want, but when what I am and who I am are not the same person, what I want will never be allowed to exist. I am not to want. To desire. To lust. To love. Not him. Never him.
He cannot understand, either. He gave up everything for me. Everything. Not for my country, my family, my position, my power, my money, my knowledge, my lands. For me. All I can give him in return is myself, only my self. I cannot give my country, my family, my position, my power, my money, my knowledge or my lands to him. And it is all me. When I am any of the people I have been all my life, I cannot be his. Taki was born in the Luckenwalde barracks. I can give him Taki.
It is not enough.
It will never be enough. He gave everything, and I give him something he created in return. Not my everything. Not all. I know he is angry. Anger is easier than this pain I have caused the man that I love. I know why he is angry. Why I am fearful. As he continues to push, to give me everything that he has, I do my best to honour him and take it and it is too much. Too much love turned to too much anger, too much anger masking too much pain. There is too much pain to bear without breaking, and I cannot break, for so much more than myself depends upon it. Yet one of us will have to, or both. I cannot. He will not. There is no choice.
"Forgive me." I breathe.
I can only hope that he does.