|My Little Dashie: Reminiscence
Author: Jay Winters PM
My return to writing after 5 or so years. A 'sequel', if you will, to the absolutely amazing My Little Dashie fanfic by Rob Cakeran. Basically an extended monologue from the main character one year after Rainbow Dash leaves him.Rated: Fiction T - English - Fantasy/Hurt/Comfort - Caramel & Rainbow Dash - Words: 1,666 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 16 - Follows: 1 - Published: 10-24-11 - Status: Complete - id: 7492809
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Written by Jay Winters
Inspired by the story by Rob Cakeran
My Little Dashie: Reminiscence
Life has an odd sense of humour, doesn't it?
A year has passed since Dashie left me, alone, in my… No, our house. I promised myself, and her, that I would continue living my life and make the best of it. But how can I? What do I have left to live for?
I know I'm being hypocritical, going against her final wishes, but I can't help it. I lost the biggest part of me. My reason for being alive for fifteen years, gone… Just like that.
I've become lethargic, once again falling into dull habits, except I don't walk, don't go to work or hang out with friends… I just sit here, drowning my sorrows and, in turn, slowly being drowned by them.
The table before me stays constantly scattered with various items; a half drunk bottle of whisky and recently drained glass stand obscuring a photo album. A small portion of the glass stands on a tear strewn letter, the same letter that Dashie left me before exiting my life forever. The letter that gave me hope, the letter cementing my daughter's feelings that I so shamelessly betrayed with my selfish acts of sadness and grief.
Picking up the letter for the umpteenth time today, I read the words that by now I can recite from heart.
For fifteen years you took care of me
Now look at me. I can't even take care of myself…
For fifteen years you loved me
Loved? Past tense?
"I will always love you, Dashie" I manage to stutter out in a futile attempt to make myself feel better
Played with me, and made sure I enjoyed my life in a world not meant to house me.
My anger at Celestia flared up, as it so often did
"Why the fuck couldn't she have stayed!" I yell at the silence. "Fifteen fucking years! This was her home!"
I fight back the tears, as I always tried to do, but I knew it was fruitless, the sadness would consume me soon
"This world could house her… It did house her. There were no problems, no time anomalies, no lives were changed or altered…"
Through gritted teeth I continue the nightly ritual of the note
I'm not a mare of many words
Everything we'd ever said to one another flooded my brain at once, the nights we'd spent just talking, to ensure that I spent enough time with her before the inevitable; her confidences, aspirations, fears and musings; a rush of speech chaotically buzzing around my mind, culminating with
"Goodnight daddy. I love you."
The first of many tears escaped their water-tight prison
"Goodnight, my little Dashie. I love you too." I replay out loud in a distorted whisper.
Even though I told you this in person, I felt you needed a written version of it so you will know it was all real.
Of course it was all real, it was the only thing I've ever been certain of in my life. Dashie was my daughter. Species, different universes, fucking goddess ponies… Nothing could change that. Dashie didn't need to remind me that it was all real, but the words mean so much to me, and reflect her selfless personality so clearly that it's almost like she's still here…
I love you daddy.
My heart explodes twice. Those words. Those four words that gave me my daughter all those years ago. They still have the same effect on me and I break down further.
You helped shape me into the mare I am now. I'm not sure what is going to happen, if I will remember any of this or not
Does she remember? Is she thinking of me right now as I always think of her?
I hope she's happy. I hope she isn't as weak and selfish as I am, that my little Dashie isn't wallowing in her sorrows as I always do, as much as it pains me to think it… I hope that she doesn't remember me. I want her to know that I am her dad, but to think of me alone, without her in my life… Is not something that I want my daughter to experience.
But I want you to know that you did a darn good job of raising me, even if I was a bit stubborn at times and short with you during others.
More tears. Those times that she was 'short' and 'stubborn' with me, I wouldn't trade them for the world. Those were the moments that made us a family. That fact that we could pull through them, despite no blood existing between us, and love each other just the same… Those were the moments that reminded me just how strong our love was… Is.
With Celestia's permission, I hope to allow you to keep our photos; our memories, with you so that you will never forget.
"With Celestia's permission"… What gives her the right to take my daughter away, to make choices for somepony else, to… Break up my family.
I hated her for taking my daughter away. Of course there's gratitude there for 'allowing' me to keep our memories, but for taking Dashie from me, I can't forgive her.
Again, I love you, and thank you.
Dashie was the one that needed to be thanked. She made life worth living for fifteen whole years. She gave me happiness… Happiness, it seemed so far away now… I didn't feel like I could ever be happy again without
My little daughter always,
My little Dashie forever,
I put the note down again to regain my composure and fight the tears back into their seal.
My hand reaches to the bottle and I pour another glass of whisky, but I do not drink it. I don't have the energy. Instead I extend my hand behind the drink and open the photo album to the final few images of myself and my daughter.
Dashie's first bath, her first drawing and finally, there, existing and really there… her first preened feather surrounded by photographs of myself and my daughter smiling at the camera. Smiling seemed a million miles away now.
The pages following these pictures are still blank.
I planned to make new memories, to keep living for Dashie's sake… But why would I want to remember this? It's bad enough that I have to live it.
I touch the feather. It's almost as if I'm holding her again, but somehow a thousand times more saddening.
"Though I am saddened, I am still happy for the time I had with her." My memories battle with my current self.
"I should feel horrible and want nothing but my daughter back. And yet, I feel relieved to know that everything is alright. She didn't run away, or leave on bad terms; she is gone, home, to where she belongs, and is safe."
But the longer I spent without my little Dashie, the little sense this made to me. The injustice of the complete removal of her existence has constantly burned within me for 12 painful months.
With the enormous effort of every fibre of my being pulling in an upright direction, I stand. My legs (and heart) greatly weighing me down, I walk over to my mother's rainbow painting by the window.
One of my favourite works of art, second only to Dashie's first drawing that resides in my photo album.
This painting, above all else, reminds me of what I've lost. My mother and father's only wish was for me to live happily.
And for fifteen years, this dream was a reality.
Looking at my mother's legacy only cements the fact that I'm alone… That I've failed.
Failed my parents' final wish for me, and most importantly, failed my daughter by not being able to be there for her.
My mind once again strays back to memories of my time with Dashie. The feeling of my heart exploding twice as I opened that box and saw my daughter for the first time, her first words, and the first time she ever said, "Goodnight daddy. I love you."
The same question I asked myself just after her departure raced back into my mind.
Princess Celestia had protected my memories so that I could remember my daughter… Had she done the same for Dashie?
"Do you even remember me, Dashie?" I choke out, almost silently.
And then I heard it.
A loud, almost hear shattering, bang, like the crack of a whip amplified a thousand times scaring the birds from the trees and making the entire house vibrate.
I spun around, lightning fast, to look through the window. I'm not sure what I hoped to see, I just knew that I had to look.
There, stretching majestically over the horizon, glittering brilliantly in the purple dusk sky…
A beautiful rainbow…
No… A beautiful Sonic Rainboom
I knew, then, that my daughter remembered me. Just as clearly and as lovingly as I remembered her… and my heart exploded twice.
There are probably numerous logical explanations for the 'Rainboom', but I don't want to think about any of them… For that bang woke me up…
It melted away all of the pent up anger, sorrow and confusion that had eaten away at my heart for the past 12 months
It made me realise that my daughter is still out there, happy, and probably thinking of me right now, safe in her new life.
And that I still have a lot of life ahead of me, and I plan to make the best of it.
For my little Dashie.