|Killing Nick Fury
Author: Vanessa Masters PM
*A Dinner Party that Stark attends goes horribly wrong, as expected at a party Stark attends*Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - & Iron Man - Chapters: 2 - Words: 6,987 - Follows: 1 - Published: 11-05-11 - id: 7525896
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
(In G-Force Headquarters Main Office, Vanessa is setting up a Computer screen. In front of her desk with a gin glass in hand is Tony Stark. More commonly known as Iron man. On the Computer screen a black man with a eye-patch is shown.)
Vanessa: Nicholas "Nick" Fury.
Tony Stark: (quirks eyebrow) The World War II Veteran?
Vanessa: (holds up folder) Annnd the Executive director of S.H.I.E.L.D. Do you not even skim the briefings in your inbox?
Tony: (looks surprised) I have an inbox?
Vanessa: (sighs) Fury decides which spy/Hero agency gets the insanely lucrative U.N. contract.
And as you may or...
(Tony is rattling ice cubes in his glass with his finger. V, lowers her eyelids in a exasperated manner.)
...probably don't know, for six years running, the contract has gone to the Avengers.
Tony: (leans back with a grin) Yeah, those U.N. contracts helped me make that one bad ass team. Thou Hank Pym acted like a Douche bag...
Vanessa: (stands up) Douche-baggery not withstanding
Tony: He acted so high and mighty, that we should have used the money for non-violent machines. The best kind of toys causes the biggest explosions!
Vanessa: (referring to G-Force) Their ground floor isn't a Laundromat.
(Double D, Eddy and Ed walk into the Office)
Edd: (corrects) Wash and fold, technically.
Eddy: (serious) G-Force needs that U.N. contract!
Edd: We're down to using KND style tech. I can't go on using a paddle gun on the Rhino!
(Holds up a busted paddle gun. Vanessa nods before looking from them to Tony.)
Vanessa: So I am going to woo Nick Fury...
Ed: (sticks out tongue) Gross.
Vanessa: (frowns) ...with a dinner party! Tonight.
Tony: So what? (looks around confused) You're uninviting me in advance?
Vanessa: (sits back in chair) Normally, yes. But this party is different and very important, so absolutely nothing can go wrong.
Tony: Well, then we better keep Dr. Bellows away from Jeannie.
Vanessa: (leans forward) No! No dates!
Tony: (to Edd) From "I Dream of Jeannie".
Vanessa: (stands up hands on desk) No one is bringing a date, so don't you bring a date.
Tony: (holds up hands) Okay, but I don't want to get there and be the only one without a date.
Vanessa: (glares) And I don't want another one of your sullen whores using my medicine cabinet like a... a pez dispenser!
Edd: (wagging finger at Stark) Remember when we tried to get Level 7 to sign a weapons contract with us?
(Tony rubs his chin thoughtful as thinks back to that inccident.)
Flashback to party
Vanessa: Samantha, you will probably kill me for this but Mr. Paulson, we now have a subway museum.
(There is a thud on the table and everyone at the table gasps. Tony's
Date has fallen dead on her plate holding a bottle of prescription
Medicine. Everyone at the table stares with their mouths open.)
Vanessa: (trailing off her eyes on the date) If...are you still big into trains?
Return to G-Force headquarters.
Tony: (jumps up) That wasn't her fault! Who puts oxycontin in a Xanax bottle?
Vanessa: (defensive) People with servants, idiot!
Edd: But if they're stealing pills, how does it help to switch the labels?
Vanessa: Because they can't read English!
Tony: (laughs) Okay. We're going to leave you to think about that whole line of reasoning...
Vanessa: You think about it!
Eddy: ...and whatever scheme you're hatching for this dinner party.
Vanessa: There's no... Scheme-hatchery.
(Vanessa has been dialing a phone and the other party answers) Hello?
Ja, guten tag. Ist das... do you mind? (Frowns at Stark, her son and his two friends) It's the caterer.
Eddy: (chuckling) Right. Okay, sure.
(After they leave, Vanessa talks in hushed voice into her phone.)
Vanessa: Your instructions are clear?
(In a hotel room a non costumed Thomas Blake aka Catman is sitting on a bed, listening into the phone.)
Catman: (nods) Yeah, yeah. No problem.
(Cell phone ringing)
Oh, I have another call. Yes, okay! (hangs up and answers the cell) Hello.
(A voice speaks from the other end of the phone)
Voice: (distorted) So, your instructions are clear?
Catman: Yes, sir.
Catman: (hanging up) Babe, get dressed - we got work tonight.
Cheshire: But Thomas, what about "The Fantastiques"?
Thomas: (putting bullets into clip) Tomorrow, babe, I promise.
Cheshire: (rolls eyes) Where have I heard that before? Sigh Fine. What is the job?
Catman: Two jobs. The first, we make a big phony attempt to kill Nick Fury.
Cheshire: Okay... and the second?
Thomas: (packs clip) We kill Nick Fury.
Cheshire: Wait...(holds up hands in front of herself) That doesn't make sense. We won't be paid for both jobs, because in one we have to fake kill Fury. But in the other we Do have to kil him.
Catman: Yeah, baffling I know. (stands up) But we get paid 50,000 dollars for either one. So we are golden, Babe.
(Holding the gun in one hand, he wraps her arm around Cheshire's waist. Pulling her against himself grinning.)
Catman: Doesn't that sound wonderful? Easy money made either way.
Cheshire: (grimaces) What be wonderful is if you'd shave once a day.
Catman: (gapes) I thought you loved the beard!
Cheshire: Oh Sure, I just adore getting whisker burn on my Vulva. (pushes him away) Shave and get ready for the mission. If we do this, at least be clean cut for it.
Kitchen at Vanessa and Vlad's condo. Vlad is out of town, so V, is free to use the Condo for her little scheme. Catman and Cheshire are dressed as a cook and Maid. So, to not draw attention to themselves.
Vanessa: Now, your instructions have to be followed to the letter! (looks around worried) If Darling, were to find out I used our 80,000 dollar a month Condo, for a fake attempted murder. He'll revok my space travel privileges!
(Cheshire and THomas look at each other briefly.)
Cheshire: Yeah, sure we remember everything.
Thomas: (lists off things) Drinks, and fish balls. You ring first bell for dinner. And on second bell, I come out all John Wooey, screaming crazy and shooting blanks.
Vanessa: Then I throw myself in front of Fury, shielding him with my supple body as you're gunned down by VIXEN agents.
(The Vixens are Squirrel, Eva, Meg and Karai the girlfriends of the Ninja Turtles. They have been trianed in the Martial arts, as well as given unique weapons. They act as her back up, for more dangerous missions Vlad hands out to the G-Force team.)
Thomas: Who are also shooting blanks.
Vanessa: (pause) Mm hmm.
Thomas: And loud ones, because for Fury to buy it, everyone must act surprised.
Vanessa: (smirks) Oh, I'm sure they will.
(Vanessa leaves the kitchen into the foyer. Thomas is grinning as well, holding up his gun with Real bullets in it.)
Thomas: (grins) Yeah, me too.
Cheshire: (worried) Thomas, I have a bad feeling about this.
Thomas: Why? (Holds up his gun) Only I will have real bullets. (pats her on the shoulder) This is like taking chocolate from a baby.
(Cheshire rolls her eyes scoffing, he just see's dollar signs in his eyes. Well her eyes will be peeled for any trouble, so like the Cheshire cat; she can disappear with her lover.
Speaking of lovers...The Ninja Turtles had been invited to the little shin dig. As well as the G-Force which comprised of Izzy and Lindsay, who have the ability to merge into the two toned hero Lindzzy. Fluttershy, the electrifying Fluttershock. Bloo the Incredible Blook, with his super strength and flight, granted to him by a magic cape. Zim who's also known as Professor LGM, head of the Science Research and Investigation Division. Milhouse, Captain Cool the Freezer Hero. While Vanessa's adopted son Ed is Captain Chickenfoot! The head of the unique hero team. With only Elastic Lass and Liberty missing from the scene. The two girls were busy on a mission elsewhere; also Spider Squirrel is actually Donatello's girlfriend Squirrel Winters. But no one really knows that, except her close friends. Everyone else seems too much of a moron to figure it out.)
Florentine: Thanks for inviting us to your swanky dinner party, Mrs. Masters.
Rita: You have such a lovely home.
Vanessa: It's really a sorta, summer home really.
Jimmy: It's still swell!
Lindsay: Big screen Tv. Red kool Aid Faucet sinks. Velvet curtains.
Dudley: And little cakes in all the bathrooms!
Rocky: Dudley, those aren't cakes! Those are soap cakes!
Dudley: (Bubbles fly out of his mouth) So, they're not for eating?
*Rocky sighs smacking herself in the face.*
Fanboy: This place so tops my tree house back home.
Meg: Yeah, I could get used to this.
Vanessa: Don't. You're only here because I may need you to take one for the team.
Spongebob: Somehow I don't like the sounds of that.
Vanessa: Relax, it only concern's the girls. I only invited the rest of you because the other wouldn't come unless you came.
The Vixens are here because, my sources tell me Nick Fury is an incorrigible poon hound.
(Donnie who was drinking and Mikey who was eating an H'ourderve start to chock and hack. While Raph and Leo pat them on the back. The girls just stare at her dumbstruck.)
Rocky: (outraged) We're here so you can use us to secure a contract with the U.N.!
(Well not all the girls are dumbstruck.)
Vanessa: (casual) I swore I left a message on your machines...
Rita: Well better act fast. (pokes Raph on shoulder, pointing to Eva who's talking to Fury with Squirrel. The two girls had been over with the Executive Director, when the truth of why they were there was revealed.)
Cut to dining room
(Fury is poking towards Eva's breasts, as Squirrel look uncomfortable.)
Nick Fury: (laughs) Those are enormous in size.
Eva: Oh, well, uh (eyes shift side to side, unsure how to reply) thank you. Kinda.
Fury: (gestures to chest) May I please cup one in my hand?
Eva: (winces) Ooh, see, here's the thing-
(Raph pops up behind her, his hands fastened on her shoulders. Trying to make it clear to Fury who Eva is with.)
Raph: (growling) We're actually together, Mr. Fury.
Squirrel: (cheerful) Yes, I forgot to mention that Raph and his brothers are with Meg, Squirrel, Karai and Eva
Fury: (pouts) So, you are already taken then?
Raph: (smirks) Kinda, puts a damper on your horn do...
(Vanessa pops next to Raph, subtlety elbowing him in the kidney.)
Vanessa: Raph, go get some gravlax. Fury, feel free to cup anything in the room.
(Fury's hand approaches Eva's breast, but instead grabs one of her guns)
Eva: (realizes) Ahh...Oh, you were talking about my gun.
Squirrel: (blushes) Oooh, I thought you...well I feel embarrassed.
Raph: (glares at Fury) The least he could do is take his eyes off her chest.
Vanessa: (hisses into his ear) As long, as he's not outright groping her. Just go with it, we really need this contract!
Rita: (holding tray) You'd do anything for that, Dim witted son of yours, wouldn't you?
Vanessa: (turns to Rita) And you wouldn't?
(Rita shrugs and pops a crab cake into her mouth.)
Fury: (referring to gun) It's strange that you'd wear them to a party.
Eva: You know, normally I wouldn't but Vanessa...
Vanessa: (cuts in) That's the Vixens for you, always primed and ready for action. And G-Force is exactly the same way.
(Fury continues to fondle the gun. He begins to slowly jiggle the gun up
and down - the resulting motion on Eva's form is also obvious. V, tries to ignore it, while Raph is getting redder in his green face. Rocky, Rita, Mikey, Meg, Ed, Eddy, Edd, bart and Jonah come over to watch the fireworks, sure to occur soon.)
Fury: (hoarse, almost a whisper) This is good to know.
Raph: (frown darkens) Yeah. How about that?
Vanessa: (leans forward eager) Which is why, you should consider G-Force for the U.N. contract.
(The jiggling is speeding up and Eva has obviously had enough)
Vanessa: Our agents are highly trained in many disciplines...
(Eva grabs Fury in a wrist hold, pinching a nerve point)
Fury: Aiiee! Ohhh!
Edd: Oh My!
Eva: Like Krav Maga, for instance.
(Raph looks smug and proud of his girll. Everyone else has a different reaction.)
Fury: Oh, my arm! You're breaking my arm!
Meg: Do it, Eva!
Edd: No! No need for violence now!
Bart: Are you kidding! This is awesome! Maybe she'll rip his arm right off!
Jarvis: Don't! I don't want to get stuck cleaning up after him.
Raph: (smirks) My girl.
Rita: Raphael, don't encourage her!
Jonah: Show him what for, Sis!
Vanessa: (franticlly pulling on Eva's shoudlers) Eva, in the name of Elphabae's green skin. Let go!
Fury: You're breaking my arm!
Rocky: Well, it's your just dessert perv!
Ed: Make it stop! Ed doesn't like this Mommy!
Vanessa: Now see what you did! You've gone and upset Ed!
Eva: Oh, I'm sorry.
(Goes to comfort Ed, while Raph swaggers up to Fury. Proud of what his girl just did.)
Raph: Did that hurt?
Fury: (snaps) Yes, it hurt! What is wrong with Her?
Vanessa: Nothing but too much enthusiasm for the opportunity to serve the U.N.
Fury: (rubs sore wrist) And hands like the Truckasaurus.
(Eva's head whips away from Ed toward Fury. Raph snaps his face toward Fury also.)
Raph&Eva: (frowns) Hey!
Squirrel: (grabs tray from Rita) Gravlax, anyone?
Fury: No! No gravlax! I need painkillers.
Vanessa: (turns to Meg) Meg, in my medicine cabinet...(stops remembering what she did to the labels) wait, no, I'll have to get it myself just...(Doorbell rings) Urrgh, right after I get that.
(Stomps off to the door in a huff, Ed turns to look at Fury who's holding his throbbing wrist.)
Ed: (waves) Hello, my name is Ed.
Cut to front door
Vanessa: (frowning) You're late.
(Tony walks in thru the door.)
Tony: (sniff) What's that smell?
Vanessa: (throws up hands) Gravlax and failure! (burys face in hand) I think Eva just broke Fury's hand.
Tony: (in robot voice) Truck-a-saurus.
Vanessa: And we won't win that contract if (Stops taking a good look at him. Tony is a mess, to say the least. His hair isn't combed, his shirt isn't buttoned properly, his jacket is slumped and his tie isn't tied.) who on Oz's green earth dressed you?
Tony: (pissed) Nobody. That's why I'm late! Jarvis just disappeared.
(Jarvis along with Fluttershy, Kick, Jimmy Two Shoes, Florentine, Meg, Eva, Raph, Squirrel and Spongebob.)
Jarvis: Only temporarily, sir.
Tony: (shocked) Wha...Why are you here?
Jarvis: Actually sir, I'm with Florentine.
Tony: (raises eyebrow) Who?
Florentine: (waves) Hi! I'm new, I met Rocky and Veronica when they were in Marzipan City. My Uncle gaspacho introduced me and because I knew Rocky I was invited.
Tony: But why are you with, Jarvis? (gestures toward him) He's a million years old!
Meg: (frowns) He's not that old, Gin-Sponge Sloppypants!
Kick: Not your best insult, Meg.
Meg: (winces) I know, I have no idea where that one came from.
Florentine: (scoffs) Oh grow up! He's a chaperone, Uncle Gaspacho asked him to keep an eye on me. So, he got invited as well.
Tony: Well, that's a tiny relief. (looks at Vanessa while gesturing at Eva, Raph, Meg, Mikey, Donnie and Squirrel.) And you said no dates!
Vanessa: (looks away from him) I said no such thing.
Tony: Well, your mouth did.
Vanessa: (whips around to poke him in chest) Well, your mouth better get over there and make Fury happy.
Kick: Umm, phrasing?
Vanessa: I meant. (turns to Stark) Regale him with exciting talks of G-force exploits. Take his mind off Eva's huge, Johnny Benchian fingers.
Eva: (exasperated) Can we get off my fingers?
Raph: (teasing) Yeah, they are pretty big.
Eva: (raises eyebrow with smirk) First time I've heard you complain.
Jimmy: Hiyo! (holds out tray) Seriously, who wants gravlax?
Vanessa: Honestly. (sighs) Lindsay, you go! Regale him!
Lindsay: (swallows what she's chewing) I think he's already being regaled.
Zim: (In the distance) Fleshbag.
Vanessa: (eyes widen) Oh, for - Fury!
Back to dining room
Zim: (mocking) My race has already perfected Light speed travel, and what have you done?
Fury: (annoyed at being shown up) Get away from me you disgusting bug.
In main hallway
Karai: By the way. Who is Zim with?
Leo: What do you mean?
Karai: Well we were asked to bring dates so...
Rocky: (raises hand) Well that would be me.
Eva: (stunned) Really!
Rita: I thought you weren't interested in him that way?
Rocky: Well, it was either him or come alone so...
Meg: (nods) Ah, now it makes sense.
Raph: Wow, so even Zim got a date.
Eva: (amazed) A woman, even.
Meg: (smirks) But suave, Super Hero Tony Stark stands alone.
Fluttershy: like the cheese.
Tony: I have a...
Jarvis: And a very handsome cheese at that, sir!
Tony: (annoyed) I don't even know how you got out,Jarvis. And I do have a date.
Donnie: You do? Where is she?
Tony: She is parking.
Rocky: (scoffs) Oh yeah? What's she driving? A Snuffleupagus?
Tony: Ha, ha, ha. Uh, oh, wait. Uh, with all that sexy European lingerie modeling, to pay for her European med school that she's going to she probably, never had time to learn to drive.
Donnie: (rolls eyes) She sounds fabulous.
Cheshire: (holding tray) Gravlax?
Izzie: (cheerful) Thanks, no. I'm allergic to cat piss. (still smiling) Go away.
Back to kitchen
(Catman is on the phone)
Vandal Savage: So, your instructions are clear?
Thomas: (takes puff from cigarette) Why must you micromanage everything? (listens to other end) Okay! (hangs up) Jesus...
Cheshire: Thomas, was is this? (smacks him on head with tray) You know what secondhand smoke does to a fetus!
Thomas: (Growls) babe, after we kill Fury, we need to have a very long und serious talk.
Back to dining room
(Fury is receiving "calcium supplement" pills from Vanessa. Milhouse, Zim, Mikey, Florentine, Fluttershy and Lindsay are behind her.)
Fury: No! I need a painkiller not a... What is that - a calcium supplement?
Vanessa: Trust me, dear these work wonders.
Lindsay: Yeah, I even drink it in my Ice Tea.
Florentine: Your thinking about Caffeine, Lindsay. Calcium strengthens the bones.
Fluttershy: Caffeine makes you as hyper as Mikey.
Mikey: (crosses arms pouting) Thanks!
Lindsay: (gapeing) So, your saying if I stop drinking the caffein. I'll be able to sleep again?
Vanessa: (worried) You might even blink.
Fury: (takes supplements) Okay, but what I have seen... (gulps down pills with champagne) G-Force is a distant second to the AVENGERS- very distant.
Vanessa: Well, what about the groundbreaking work Professor LGM is doing for G-Force in our science division?
Milhouse: Tell them about the sex robot!
Fury: The what?
Vanessa: Yes..(turns to Milhouse) THE WHAT!
Zim: I call him 'Fist-O G. Roboto'.
Florentine: Sweet Peas in a basket!
Fluttershy: This aint good...
Lindsay: (confused) What? What's going on?
Milhouse: (excited) But it doesn't just fist.
Vanessa: (growls) Milhouse...
Mikey: (to V,) Dudette, you can forget about that contract now.
Milhouse: (to Zim) Tell him.
Zim: He's a fully integrated, multi-fetish artificial being.
Fury: (repulsed) That is the most disgusting...
Zim: (puts finger) Shut up! Shh! Shh! And the best part is that he's learning.
Fluttershy: (to Lindz) This place certainly isn't My Little Pony land!
(Lindsay and Florentine nod in agreement.)
Fury: G-Force is clearly is not the Super Hero Team for us! Rotten gravlax, sex-bots, and...uh...except for the Canadian, the women are -
Vanessa: Willing to do...(closing her eyes and rubbing Fury's arm) whatever it takes.
Squirrel: (sputters) No, we aren't!
Bloo: (snatches glass from Fury) Still gross.
Edd: (runs after him) Bloo! Your not old enough to drink yet!
Fury: And such rudeness!
Milhouse: Fist-O Roboto wouldn't take that.
Zim: He's just too damn sensitive!
Fury: As am I. So if you will excuse me -
(Vanessa shoves a handful of pills into Fury's open mouth)
Vanessa: There, there. Let that calcium citrate seep into your bones.
Outside The Apartmen Building
(Tony is on cell)
Tony: What about She-Hulk?...She said that? Well how about Ursula?...Ew, no, nevermind...Bonnie? No, she's not passable! With that Adam's apple, she looks like she swallowed a Rubik's Cube.
("Shego", a young woman, with long black hair, an athletic build, sharp jawline, and narrowed green eyes approaches Tony.)
Shego: Excuse me, sir...
Tony: I...(Tony hangs up the call)
Shego: You are looking for a date?
Tony: Are you working?
Shego: (casual shrug) You could say that, yes.
(Shego opens her makeup compact and it displays a micro computer screen with a display of Nick Fury and the words "Target")
Tony: Then we need to lock down your cover story. And uh... I need to hit an ATM.