|I am Afraid
Author: lonnii renae PM
Can dreaming become reality? Or is the reality that your dreaming? Between her abusive husband Keith, her first love Paul, her overpowering father and the death of a child, Steph learns the difference between dreaming and reality.Rated: Fiction M - English - Hurt/Comfort/Drama - Stephanie McMahon & Triple H - Chapters: 22 - Words: 39,345 - Reviews: 62 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 8 - Updated: 12-25-12 - Published: 11-26-11 - Status: Complete - id: 7585334
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Thank to all my reviewers and readers. I am so sorry to keep ya'll waiting so long. I had writer's block :| lol but I know what I want to do now so we are back on a roll.
I want to dedicate this chapter to McMahonHemsleyEraFan and Cena's Baby Doll. You guys are the greatest. :) Now on to the new chapter!
I take a deep breath and head to the kitchen. Water, I need water. I down three bottles of water before I calm just a little. Tears spring into my eyes as i remember Nathan. He was the light of my life. The only thing that really kept me going.
A couple of months before I found out I was pregnant, Keith and I were having a fight which was not a huge surprise. I had just walked in the door from a long night at a pay per view. Paul was hurt in his fight with Cactus Jack and it really scared me. He was okay a little afterward but i wouldn't leave until I knew he was okay which mean I came home later than I was expected. Keith was waiting for me in the living room.
"Where the hell have you been? You are over three hours late! What in the world was so important that I had to wait?"
"We had a few...issues tonight. I had to stay and fix them."
"Issues? Like what?"
"Umm well, the backstage area was a mess. Jim didn't show up tonight so i had to work gorilla and on screen. Jan messed up on my hair earlier in the day so she had to re-do it. And that just had me behind the whole night. Plus we had a lot of injuries too."
"Like lover boy?"
"There were other people hurt other than Paul, Keith. "
"Really, like who?"
I stumbled through an answer as he sat there and just stared at me. Even from across the room I could she his jaw clenching. I knew well what came after the clenching of the jaw.
"I'm sorry I kept you waiting, Keith. I'll go change then I'll be ready to go."
"Come here, Stephanie."
Call me crazy but I didn't think it would be best for me to go. I could tell his patience was thin and all I could do was breath too hard and it would set him off. But then again if i didn't listen to him, that would set him off. I walk over to him but far enough to create space. Plus with Paul being hurt, I had to help him back to the trainer's room. After they got him squared away, I helped him to our shared locker room, helped get him cleaned up and dressed to go back to the hotel. Needless to say, his cologne was probably all over me.
"Come here, princess."
I close the gap and stare into his green eyes. He smirked and winked at me.
"It's okay baby. I like that outfit on you. Why don't you leave that on and we can grab a late dinner somewhere."
It's not like he left much decision to me with the tone of his voice. I sighed and smiled at him with a nod of my head. We were in the car on the way to IHOP when Keith took in a deep breath for the fifth or six time.
"Hmm. Baby? You wearing new perfume?"
I roll my eyes. Damn he smelled it. He smelled him all over me. Lie or no lie?
"No, why do you ask?"
"It's just I smell something different. It doesn't stink, it's just different. I've smelled it before."
"You got me baby. I'm at a lost. I don't smell anything. "
We rode the rest of the way in silence with radio on low. It wasn't until we were waiting on our food when the crap hit the fan.
"Are you wearing perfume?"
"Umm, yes. I am. The perfume you bough me for our wedding anniversary this year. "
"No, that smell is older than that. I just can't place my finger. I smell it all the time really."
"Maybe it's just your body odor."
"No because I smell it on you sometimes."
"Well, we do sleep in the same bed. We live together in such close quarters."
"No. It's just not the same. I've smelled it on someone else before too. Even when we first became friends, it would be all over your things at home."
"Hmm. Look here's the food."
I have to get his mind off of the damn cologne. But no matter how much I tried to throw him off, he would come right looked at me with wide eyes. He dropped his fork and pulled me to him and sniffed again. This time in different places. It was just a tad embarrassing. He smelled my hair, my hands, my chest, my arms. He curled his fingers around my chin and gently turned my head towards him.
"It's him, isn't it?"
"I don't know what you are talking about."
"Not in your best interest to lie to me, love."
I just dropped my eyes to the table. That was all the answer he needed. He picked my head back up and removed his fingers. He just stared at my face. Like he was trying to engrave the image in his mind. He raised his hand again and I flinched. He caressed my face.
"Don't worry honey. I'm not going to hit you."
I smile at him. Maybe he is changing. I grab my fork and pick up some more food. Just as it was passing my lips he finished his sentence.
"At least not now."
My appetite was officially gone and so was my peace of mind.
I come out of my memories as I walked over to the window and watched the rain fall. The occasional lightening and thunder would accompany it but for the most part it was a consistent fall. The rain is my favorite weather. Sure sunny weather was good and well but the rain, it could bring out thoughts and dream you never knew you had. Man it was really coming down out there. Nathan was born on a rainy night.
After the IHOP incident, my dad became worried about the tight rein Keith had on me. Keith caught wind of a conversation my dad and I had. He told me it would be in my best interest to throw him off our scent. I told him I was doing the best I could. He pushed me against the wall and told me to try harder. From that moment, it was when Perfect Stephanie was created. I did everything everyone asked of me. My dad didn't have anyone to go to Mexico to iron out the details of a tour we were planing on doing there for a month. He asked me and I agreed. Of course Keith wasn't to excited about it until my dad making a joke. We were having dinner at my parents when my dad announced I would be leaving the next day to go to Mexico. Keith pinched my leg under the table and said as sweetly as possible that he didn't know I would be leaving so soon. It was news to everyone but him. Dad cleared the air saying he had not even told me yet. Keith smiled and relaxed a little. Dad then said in his typically joking manner that up until I agree to go on the trip that he thought Keith was holding me hostage against my will. We all laughed at the statement. But all I could think about was being at least a month away from Keith. It would be like old times. Before I made the biggest mistake of my life. Well not really. Paul was hurt so he would be in the states. I would just have to find a way to fill my time there. A nice strong gin sounded pretty good. Keith didn't allow an hard liquor in the house, only wine. Oh I was planning to get wasted the first night there. I went to Mexico and everything was going pretty good, i guess. Keith had me checking in with him after everything I did. That pissed me off. Not to mention he had obtained a copy of my agenda for each day. To this day, I'm still not sure how he got a copy everyday but thats not important. After two weeks of being there, I heard a knock at my villa door. I remember praying to God that it wasn't Keith. i opened the door and Paul was there.
I head back to the kitchen to sneak another glass of wine. Wait a minute. I'm here by myself. I grab the entire bottle and head back to the window to sit on the scattered pillows. A woman with a stroller was running through the rain probably trying to get home.
Paul came over to Mexico with no one knowing and he asked me to keep it that way. I had no problem with that. The least Keith knew the better. That month was the best month of my life. It reminded me of what Paul and I used to have before we broke up. We went to clubs and danced. We went shopping. We spent every waking moment together there at least when I wasn't working and being interrogated by Keith.
I came back home and things calmed down for a bit. About a month later, I found out I was pregnant with Nathan. I was so scared to tell Keith. I didn't know what he would say. So I decided to hold off on tell anyone. A few weeks later, Keith and I got ito a fight. He pushed me and I lost my balance. I tried all I could to grab a hold to something anything to prevent me from falling but nothing helped. My fingers slipped from the grasp I had on the banister and I tumbled all the way down our stairs. I laid at the bottom of the stairs clutching my stomach as Keith slowly crept down the stairs. He circled around me like a vulture. He got down on his knees and whispered in my ear. It's a shame I didn't know about the baby before I pushed you.
You were so excited. You just found out we're having out first baby and you couldn't wait to tell me. You ran up the steps calling my name. And just as I rushed out the door to see what was wrong, you slipped on the rug and fell all the way. You should really be more careful. He walked off and left me there. he came back a few minutes later with his cell phone. He dialed a few number and then kicked me really hard. I let out a blood curdling scream as he start talking. Through my pain, I could hear him saying his wife fell down the stairs and that she was pregnant. I knew what happened but I don't really understand what happened. My mind was completely focused on my unprotected baby. My poor baby that had nothing to do with any of this. None of this was his fault. He was just caught up in the storm. I made a promise to God that if he would protect my baby I would be happy to have him for even six months, just let him be okay now. I laid there crying for the me and the baby. I laid there crying for Keith and his actions. But most of all I laid there crying because I knew it was my fault.
My pregnancy was hard with Nathan. Although the fall did not show immediate damage, it soon reared it's ugly head. I still don't quite understand it, but the stress and the fall affected my hormones and blood pressure not to mention a slew of other things. Keith actually wasn't a huge prick to me. He commented on my weight every chance he got though. Say things like I'm lucky I can give the excuse of being pregnant now that I was huge. Nothing he would do or say could break me. I was pregnant. I was living out my dream. Paul would spend time with me back stage sometimes. Go on snack run and cravings run. He was the best uncle Nathan could have ever wanted. Dare I even say he would have been a better daddy too.
When I gave birth, Keith became very protective of me and Nathan. He wouldn't let anyone hold the baby or near me. It was so weird. he was actually protecting me but it was still creepy and kinda abusive in a way. He was controlling and demanding. After a few weeks, that new found love he had left. He wanted nothing to do with Nathan. I had to get up evey night, multiple times a night because he refused. It was really starting to take a toll on me. The night that is for ever engraved in my mind, I was so tired. Keith had come home from the office ate dinner and went to bed without a word to me. The baby's cry came alive over the monitor. Keith kicked me awake and mumbled something about the baby. I went and quieted him down. No sooner than I got in bed, he started again. I did that three time. On the fourth, Keith turned the monitor off and said he just wanted attention like his mother. I need to leave him alone and let the boy learn on his own. I argued that Nathan was so small and that lesson was to much for him. Keith ordered me to lay down and not move. I laid there all night. I never went back to sleep. Slowly, Nathan did stop crying and I feel asleep just before dawn. I woke up later in the day and found it odd I had not heard him cry. I remembered Keith turned the monitor off so the poor thing was probably starving by now.
I walked in his room and saw the blanket was place in an unusually way. I saw nathan's feet from teh bottom side of the cover. I ran to the crib and yanked the blanket off of him. he was so peaceful. He was sleeping. He was kick the covers like his daddy. I picked Nathan up to change his diaper and wake him up to feed him. He was cold and I found that odd. He had on a fleece onesie. i sat him down on the changing table and reached for several things underneath. As I was standing back up I noticed his chest wasn't moving. I called his name but he didn't move. I snook him a little but nothing happened. I raised his eyelid up to find his eyes rolled in the back of his head. I scream ad yelled for Keith. I checked Nathan pulse but I was to late. He was gone.
I let out a cry as I remember that horrible day. Nothing in my life has equaled to the pain I felt that day. It was ruled an accident. It was even talk that he had come down with some condition that could be traced back to the fall down the stairs. I never really for gave myself. But most of all, I never forgave Keith.