AN: Well, to be sincere, I noticed what “pleasefox” meant only later on. If you can live with the fact that the first parts play at Joshua’s and not in Terminal City, you could stop reading the last few paragraphs and have it end with the line of stars. If not, I fixed it with the last lines, so Pleasefox can have some fun, too and imagine it could happen.

;-))

Which way do you like it better?

*******************

„You don’t need to be worried, Logan, everything is just fine, I just have a confession to make.“

Damn, my words seem to come out the wrong way tonight. I can imagine what he is thinking now. A confession ? He probably remembers the last few, every one of them another blow to our relationship.

„Am I the one you should be confessing to ?“

Shit. I thought he had promised to just listen. I forget everything I had intended to say and just blurt my heart out.

„Logan, there was never anything between me and Alec and I beg you to forgive me for ever letting on that there was something, for hurting you like I did.“

Good thing I don’t need to catch my breath, this way he can’t interrupt even if he wants to.

„I am sorry I couldn’t tell you the truth, I was just so scared after they took you to the hospital and Alec didn’t arrive in time. I was desperate and couldn’t take the thought of losing you. When you told me you saw Alec hug me, it was so convenient to let you believe we had something going, I never thought it would hurt you that much. I needed to make sure I wasn’t a danger to you anymore. I wanted to tell you a million times after that but I kept remembering the way Annie died and you were the only thing that really mattered to me.“

Oops, gotta watch my words before I say too much. First the “bio-hazard girlfriend” and now this. I sneak a look at him and he seems relieved but not really as glad to hear it as I had imagined. Shit!

„I’m terribly sorry, Logan, I wanted to spare you the hurt and hurt you even more. I’m sorry, can you ever forgive me ?“

He doesn’t answer at first, his face plastered with his usual Eyes Only mask. Intense eyes and not a muscle moving.

The silence is killing me, but then he stands up and goes to the window. He looks out for a few seconds, then goes to the large desk and takes something from there. I can’t see what he’s doing and I get even more nervous, but I decide to trust him and let him order his thoughts before he speaks. Looking out the window again, he starts, his voice surprisingly monotone.

„I have had many sleepless nights to think this over and most of the things I had to say I have already said. I always thought that being that my life was on the line I should have a say in the matter. You are right, I probably wouldn’t have let you go if it weren’t for Alec.“

I can’t help being concerned by the way he speaks, nice and slow, never rising his voice, every word thought out. I almost wish for him to be angry again. Tears blur my vision. Bet Lydecker never thought his mighty X5 soldiers would ever shed tears.

„I wouldn’t have let you go, because you were the only thing that really mattered in my life. Sure, there was Eyes Only, but I would have given up everything for you, probably even that. I had a long while to think it over and I finally came to the conclusion that I wanted you to be happy, no matter what. I don’t need to tell you that Eyes Only is as much a danger as the threat coming from White. But I had always thought together we could beat everything. I later realized Alec could probably do a better job protecting you than I did, but I resolved to keep an eye on you, too. I always wanted you to be happy and safe. I still do.“

He still isn’t looking at me. I wish I wouldn’t have this terrible fear gripping my stomach, fear that he might not want to take me back, but I guess he has to sort out his feelings himself before he comes to a conclusion. After all, he just found out Alec was not an issue.

„It was hard to even imagine you could be with Alec, since I had been under the impression that you didn’t like him much. But I just couldn’t believe that after all we had been through, you would do it just to protect me. Today, when we were together, first as I read the runes and then at Jam Pony, it occurred to me that I had been wrong. You could never have been with Alec. Things were just not adding up. It occurred to me that you had lied. That’s why I was in such a bad mood when you arrived.“

He turns toward me and this time I can almost see his anger seeping from his every pore. At first I couldn’t take my eyes off his face, now I look away, I just can’t look at him, knowing it was me who caused him as much hurt as that Valerie bitch, or even more.

„How could you do that to me, Max, how could you let me believe such a thing? When I thought you were with Alec, I believed it had been my fault, that you saw something in him that I could never be. Suspecting that it was a lie, and now, knowing that it was one, I don’t know how I can forget this. You know how I felt about you.“

He pauses and my stomach churns as I notice the past tense he is using. The floor holds a certain fascination for me.

„And still you lied to me, making me go through hell, thinking I lost you forever. I never gave up hoping to find a cure for the virus, because there is one out there. But I could not find a cure to your not loving me anymore. Finding out you made me go through that hell deliberately makes me wonder about a lot of things“.

He falls silent and I’m thinking feverishly of how I could make his hurt and pain go away, how I can make him trust me again. I remember my resolve. Maybe I should just say it all and get it out and over with, then the ball is in his field. I hate exposing myself like that but I feel like I owe him and I really should have said it a long time ago. But he is quicker and he still has his back to me.

„May I ask why you chose today to come forward with this?“

„I’m sorry, Logan. I realized today that I couldn’t protect you by staying out of your life. I remembered today that no matter what I did, you would still jump into the greatest danger, putting your life at risk, not just for me but for everybody else. That’s just the way you are and that’s one of the many reasons I love you so. Forgive me for ever wanting to change you, I was selfish, I wanted to keep you for myself.“

There, I said it. He looks quite surprised. Am I imagining the grin or is it really there ? My heart jumps and I get up and walk towards him.

„I’m done running away, Logan, I meant it. I was afraid. Afraid of loving you, afraid of losing you. I realized those things are just part of us being together. I am still afraid. Afraid you’ll hate me, afraid that we’ll never find a cure, afraid of so many things.“ I try an uncertain smile. „And fear was never part of the curriculum at Manticore, ya know. I still don’t know how to deal with that.“

When he smiles towards the window without drawing back as I approach him from behind, I feel the same delirious hope I felt earlier, remembering the hand squeeze. I so wish to touch his stubbled cheek, to feel him and I ever so slowly dare begin to raise my gloved fingers towards his jaw.

„I won’t run away this time, Logan, I promise. I am sorry. And even if you find you can’t forgive me for the hurt I caused you, that you can’t trust me anymore, I’ll still love you. That’s what I came to confess. I’ve loved you for a long time and I just found out I can’t live without you. I am here if you still want me. And even if you don’t“, I add, as if in an afterthought.

My gloved fingers finally touch his stubble and our eyes lock. His blue eyes have an intense glow to them, burning me to the core. I feel a tear slipping down on my face and try to draw back. He grabs my hand from his cheek and turns it around, kissing it, then he gently wipes away my tears. He smiles at my nervous look and attempt to draw back and I just now see he has surgical gloves on. Great recon, soldier, I think to myself. So that’s what he did at the table a few minutes earlier. I almost get mad that he put me through all that anxiety and doubt in his speech, all the time knowing he would forgive me, touch me again, as meager as our possibilities might be. Almost mad. Just for the fraction of a second. Then, I can’t keep myself from grinning madly.

He draws me to himself and I reluctantly obey the pressure of his arm, carefully placing my head on his chest and my arms around him. We fall down on the couch and he rocks me for a while, then he whispers:

„As long as we have each other we’ll find a way. It might take a while, but we will find it, together.“

He brushes a strand of hair out of my face and he seems to notice that his gloves don’t slide as well on hair, pulling it a bit. He chuckles and then looks at me with the first genuine smile I’ve seen on his face in a long time.

„Still afraid?“

„Terrified“.

„We’re going to have to do something about it“.

I grin again, but he seems to have a sudden interest in the ceiling and I can’t help being confused.

„I seem to remember that you’re not the patient type and I know you want to go fast“ he says, strengthening his hold on me. „But I hope you can wait till in the morning, it’s only a few hours away ?“

This time I really am confused. My life is totally in shambles, I really don’t know what will happen and how we’ll deal with everything. I just know I won’t let him go. If I could, I would just forever sit on his lap, all wrapped up in blankets and gloves and clothes and whatever, just to feel him next to me, to know he loves me. With the track record we have, I know it’s only a matter of time until someone comes barging in through that door, Joshua or Alec or who knows what or who from my large family, calling us to the rescue once more. And we will try to help. But barring an earth shattering emergency situation, I *do plan on spending the morning with him, convincing him that I won’t bail on him again, not ever.

„What’s in the morning?“ I ask, groggily, almost lulled to sleep by his even breathing and the gentle thumping of his heart.

He reaches for my hand and squeezes it, looking at me with what I can only describe as a sneaky, sly expression. I am glad there is no skin showing, neither on me nor on him and I can grab his other hand expectatively. He answers whispering into my ear, so close I could kill him, both for real and figuratively:

„I found Sandeman tonight, he expects you first thing in the morning. I would have called you, but since you came over...“

I suddenly jump up and my hand squeezes his so hard he grimaces. Serves him right, even if I might have broken a bone or two. It will heal. There goes my plan again. I look at his happy grin and feel like kissing him hard and passionately. I have to settle for another grin, too, though. Great thing my facial muscles are genetically engineered, or else I would probably get cramps from so much grinning.

I stretch a bit on his lap, then smooth a blanket over us. I close my eyes and enjoy the feeling of lying there with him. I know he expected another reaction from me and I relish seeing him confused for a change. I finally open my eyes, hoping that all the love I have for him will come across and I whisper playfully:

„Nah, I think I’d rather spend the night and the morning with my meal ticket.“

Just earlier today I wouldn’t even have imagined being able to say such a thing. But this time I’m almost certain I mean it. I don’t know what tomorrow morning will bring, what fears, what monsters, what hidden secrets wait at the next corner. I am happy now and looking at him I know he feels the same way.

********************************************************************

“Max? Max ?”

Logan is reaching for me with his gloved hand.

“Max, we’re kind of low on supplies, but I thought you could use something to eat right now, the last thing we need is to have you running around cranky and hungry.”

He looks at me with a sparkle in his eyes and shoves a casserole with pasta towards me.

“Low on supplies?” Damn, tears well up in my eyes again. It was just a fucking dream. I had dozed off in a corner despite my damn shark genes.

I see Original Cindy at the other end of the hall, she quietly nods her head and smiles knowingly. Cranky? They’ve never seen cranky yet!

“Cindy”, I bellow. She approaches and I brush past a stunned Logan and whisper in her ear:

“Boo, see that fine specimen of the three legged gender over there? I need to come clear with him, can you make sure we have some time alone? Unless the fucking world goes under, I’m not available for the next half hour at least. Nobody, do you get that ?”

She seems to understand and nods:

“Just leave that to me.”

“Thanks, boo”.

Turning back to Logan, who has an uncertain frown on his face I quickly check that there is no skin showing, grab the casserole and put it away.

“Thanks, Logan. But I need your help. Can we talk for a minute ?”

He nods, still with a hazed look on his face as I grab his hand and pull him towards the remains of a couch.

„You don’t need to be worried, Logan, everything is just fine, I just have a c…. “

I correct myself on the double.

“I need to talk to you about something, I should have told you a very long time ago…”

I don’t know what tomorrow morning will bring, what fears, what monsters, what hidden secrets wait at the next corner. I know I could be happy now and looking at him I vow to make sure he feels the same way.

THE END

AN: for those wondering and wishing it would have ended at the line of stars – sure everything goes alright. She fesses up, he loves her and they face the dangers to come together. I’m a bit too busy with school to write a smut sequel but if you want one, pleasefox has a GREAT one for you. Go see it if you haven’t already.