|Somewhere Over the Rye
Author: King KP PM
In my English class, we had to retell a fairy tale as Holden would. I chose the Wizard of Oz, because who doesn't want to hear about a loon meeting a fellow loon? Rated K plus for light swear words. Couldn't help it, Holden loves his "goddamns"!Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Friendship - Words: 1,404 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 7 - Published: 12-12-11 - Status: Complete - id: 7632387
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
What happened after Holden was put in his therapy home slash mental institution? He met a fellow loony of course!
Disclaimer: Neither Catcher in the Rye, The Wizard of Oz or any associated characters are mine. I'm but a humble fanfic writer...
So if you're wondering just where the hell I am now, well I'll tell all of you nosy bastards. I'm in this dumb therapy home full of crazies and perverts. I swear, half of the men here are flits. Old Luce would've gotten a real bang outta all the flits here. And then there are the crazies, who just sit with anyone they can find and tell these crazy stories. Most of them just give me the creeps. Except this girl I met the other day. She was a cute girl, but not real sexy or anything. Her name was Dorothy, and that really killed me. I mean, I think it's really funny when someone looks like their name. She was a real Dorothy alright. Plain and kinda country. Anyway, she starts telling me that she came from some little farm in Kansas. Don't ask me why the hell she's over here or why her family wanted to send her out of state. Some people move so damn far for no good reason. Morons like D.B do that. Anyways, she lived with her uncles, Aunty Em, and a bunch of animals. Oh and she had a little dog named Tutu or something like that. Girls always give their dogs girly names, even if they're boys. They kill me. They really do. Then she tells me about this big tornado that kicked up while she was at some fortune teller's house. If you ask me, fortune tellers are all phony bastards. They tell you something that you want to hear, and steal your money. It usually doesn't even come true unless you get lucky or something.
Anyway, she runs back home but can't get into the tornado shelter. So the moron decides to hide with Tutu in her house. Only that wasn't such a hot idea because her house gets blown away and up into the sky to some magic place she called Oz. Which to me sounds like a drink from the goddamn Wicker Bar, but I'm not too sure. When she lands, she gets out and sees that her house landed on some poor old lady with ruby shoes. The locals, who for some reason are all Phoebe's height, thank her for using her house to kill the old lady. They told her the lady was a witch or something, but that sounds like a phony story to me. What's even more phony is that the locals all start partying and showering her with gifts! They were thanking her for a goddamn murder! Who does that? They're worse than the phonies at Pencey. So then some witch flies up in a bubble. A goddamn pink bubble at that. And this "good" witch gives her the dead lady's shoes as a goddamn present. Which is really gross since she just died like five minutes ago. But then, some other witch with green skin comes out of nowhere screaming like a mad man. She says she's the dead witch's sister and she wants the red shoes. Which sounds fair, since they are all she has left of her sister. Dorothy says the dead witch's body shriveled up under the house, like a salted slug. Anyways, the "good" witch named Glinda or something, uses her magic on the shoes. When the witch touches them, they shock her hands. So the witch promises to kill Dorothy and Tutu, then disappears into smoke. Only girls would kill each other for a pair of shoes. They kill me. They really do.
So then, the "good" witch gives Dorothy some phony advice, to follow the yellow brick road to some city made of sapphires and ask the "Wizard of Oz" to give her a ride home. The whole thing seems really dumb to me. Who the hell builds a city out of sapphires? A goddamn moron, that's who. And no one even explains who this Wizard guy is, they just boot her out onto this yellow brick road. So this is the part where I stopped paying much attention. Everything about this story was so phony, it made me want to puke. On her way to Sapphire City, she meets these three guys. The first guy is this scarecrow who has no brain, so the poor bastard is a goddamn moron. The second guy is a tin man with no heart and the third guy is some talking lion with no courage. The only guy who isn't all that terrible is the lion. It's no fun being yellow. It really isn't.
So Dorothy invites them to get help from the Wizard with her. But when they get to the Sapphire City, the Wizard turns out to be a demanding sonuvabitch. He tells them that they have to kill the witch first before he'll help them. So they go to the castle to kill the witch, but I guess monkeys with wings make good security guards, because Dorothy and her friends get cornered right away. So the witch is laughing like a mad man and decides to light the scarecrow on fire. Dorothy, being the good girl she is, gets a bucket of water and throws it on him. That seemed a little weird to me, I mean, why would the witch have a random bucket of water just lying around her goddamn castle? I guess she was a moron too. Especially because when Dorothy accidently hits her with some of the water, the witch melts. That's right, she goddamn melts. Why the hell was she keeping something that could kill her inside her castle? The witch was the biggest moron of them all. So they take her broom back to the Wizard and he tries to back out of the deal. The phony sonuvabitch reminds me of Maurice. But that goddamn dog Tutu is actually helpful for once, and finds the Wizard's hiding place. Turns out the Wizard is the biggest goddamn phony in Oz. The king of phonies. He's really just an old man. No powers, nothing special about him. I hate lying bastards like him. I really do.
So he gives them some half assed rewards he scraped together last minute. The scarecrow gets a diploma instead of a brain, the lion gets a medal of courage instead of real courage, but I think the tin man got the worst end of the deal. He got a goddamn pocket watch. That was heart shaped. Talk about a disappointment. Finally, he promises Dorothy a ride home in his hot air balloon. But the goddamn moron "accidently" cuts the rope before Dorothy gets in and leaves without her. And just when she thinks she'll never get home, the "good" witch shows up. And she tells Dorothy just about the stupidest thing I've heard. She tells Dorothy that she had the power to go home all along. The goddamn shoes could've taken her home ages ago. And the reason she didn't tell her before was because Dorothy wouldn't have believed her. If I were Dorothy, I would've hit her. Well maybe, if I wasn't so yellow. Being yellow is awful. It really is.
But Dorothy's a damn near saint and just follows her instructions. To get home, she has to click her heels three times while saying "There's no place like home". I swear I thought the next step was to "shake it all about" or something. I'm pretty sure the "good" witch planned this all just to get a bang out of it all. Nothing she did was "good" at all. But in the end, her magic worked and Dorothy was back home on her boring old farm. No one believed her story though, so she ended up here. Something tells me that somewhere over the rainbow, there's a crazy "good" witch in a sparkley pink dress watching over poor old Dorothy and laughing like a goddamn madman. I swear there has to be.