Author: sugarcoatedslashersmile PM
People named after units of measurement. Group therapy sessions. Lots of cats. And bedazzled men. Just a salad of insanity brought to you by the letter I.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Chapters: 21 - Words: 30,726 - Reviews: 61 - Favs: 10 - Follows: 10 - Updated: 01-20-13 - Published: 12-14-11 - id: 7636166
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
"Where the fuck have you been? I've been sittin' out here for over an hour." The old woman parked right outside of Paddy's barked at Dee, Dennis and Mac as they walked up to the entrance. The other drunks that usually congregated at Paddy's before dark fell had scattered to the other bars in the area. The old bat was the only one left and that was because she rode around on one of those scooters that only old people seemed to use. They were sure that if she wasn't so cheap, then she would have gone with the other drunks.
"We all had shit to do. Charlie opened for us," Dennis answered as he unlocked the door. "Something I now realize was a stupid idea."
"Dammit Charlie," Dee muttered as she shifted from foot to foot.
"Where the hell were you people?" Zelda Early, the old bat in question, snapped as she jabbed Mac with the walking stick that she never used. They had known her since Paddy's had opened and in all those years, not once had they seen her use the damn thing for walking. She mainly used it to abuse Mac or Dennis. "Gettin' tested for the herpes?"
"No. We had to get some shit done at City Hall," Dee said as she dodged the woman's walking stick as Zelda made another swipe at Mac.
"Don't care. My fucking grand-daughter is visiting and I need to load up. Damn kids can't take care of themselves."
"I really don't give a shit Mrs. Early, I really don't," Dennis said, dodging the walking stick. Mac wasn't so lucky. They left her in the doorway when she got stuck, leaving Dee to take care of the old bat. She pushed her through the door, giving the guys the finger when she was done.
"You really shouldn't leave that poor boy alone," Zelda whispered to Dee as they entered the bar. "I think he may be a retarded." She zoomed up to the bar and began to pound it with her walking stick. Charlie did not pop up, as they half expected them too.
Dee scowled and went to the back room to fix her makeup. There was some odder than usual smell in the bathroom that made her makeup run so there was no way she was going in there. She half expected to find Charlie in there, asleep or masturbating. To her relief, he wasn't there at all. She was tired of seeing his penis.
The guys often told her that she would end up like Zelda. The old bat lived alone with about a dozen cats. Dee had helped her home a few times and each time had needed to practically wade through the cats that gathered at the door every time. There was shit on the walls and floor and none of them were fixed. More than once, she had offered a member of the Gang a kitten or two. Dee had taken one back before she figured out exactly how insane Zelda was. That seemed to have cemented the woman's status as their most faithful customer. And maybe their only one.
Apparently, way back in the day, Zelda had been hot. The pictures at her place didn't lie. She had been married and had two kids. The husband had run off in the 70s and her children had moved away. They rarely visited, which Zelda bitched about all the time. Not that it stopped her from spouting gossip about what was left of her family. Apparently one of her grand-daughters was, in her words 'very pretty. But a big whore." There was another one she talked about, but that one was crazy instead of slutty.
Needless to say, the guys probably wanted the whore to be the one visiting.
Dee wondered if this woman was an actual whore. That would actually be interesting. The guys tended to try and avoid paying for things. Sex was on that list, yet they would spend twice as much as they would on a whore on one of their stupid schemes to get a regular woman.
There were upsides to being a woman and one of them was that Dee didn't usually have to go through the insane measures they did to get laid. She had to go through insane measures to find someone worthy. Not that it mattered. As soon as anyone she dated met her friends, they either left or went off the deep end. It was like there was some sort of force field around them that drove everyone that came in contact with them insane. Case in point: the Waitress. Dee liked to think that it wasn't her most of the time. She liked to believe that she was better than them most of the time.
As she lined her eyes with the shitty stub of an eyeliner pencil she had found at the bottom of her purse, Dee wondered if they were right about her ending up like Zelda. The last time Mac had taunted her about it, she had asked him to shoot her in the face if it came to pass. He had agreed. Of course, Mac being Mac had offered to shoot her right then and there. Though with what she had no idea.
Ten years ago, Dee had thought she would be married some rich guy, so she wouldn't need to work. She would have a kid that had somehow not wrecked her body on the way out. Bartending at her brother's shitty bar with no prospects on the kid or husband end hadn't even been Plan Z. The chances of her getting her face blown off were getting higher every day.
God, she hated her life sometimes. Living with a cat that probably went out and raped other cats and maybe dogs and being the only taco in a sausage fest of idiots.
When she went out, Dee saw the usual sight: Zelda blowing raspberries at Charlie, who was blowing them right back, getting louder and louder with each one. She didn't even bother wondering where he had come from
Dee went behind the bar and grabbed a beer. Might as well start now.
This fanfic idea has been rolling around in my head for weeks. I tried to kill it but it wouldn't die. The damn thing is like Poppins.
The idea was born out of what I now call The Placenta Thing or TPT for short. The rest came to me in bits and pieces and after I started to dream about it, I knew it was time to write it. TPT won't be revealed until a bit further in, but it's pretty gross and insane. My co-worker was actually a bit frightened by the scenario. Yet again, he was disturbed by my description of Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom.
Zelda Early is based on my own grandmother, who can be cruel and is racist. And I'm sure she's insane. And some incidents are slightly exaggerated versions of events from my own life.
There will be focus on Dee, who I adore. She reminds me of myself. In school, I was in a group like The Gang. I was the Dee, so I know how she feels first hand. And we dance the same way. So, Dee will get some love. There is an 80% chance that there will be a Mac/Dee romance. If I can write it well. I only have experience with the high school version. There will be at least a LOT of subtext. Maybe I'm crazy but I think The Gang deserves a bit of happiness. But no worries, they will still be the same horrible people we know and love.