London's Burning - Scared and Untrusting

Written by: Gemma Lambourne
Email address: er_
Date First Published Online: 8TH May 2002
Genre: Angst.
Rating: PG - 13.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters featured in the story etc etc
Summary: Good memories are nice, whereas bad memories hurt and haunt. Sally thinks over good and bad events of her life...
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That was the happiest day of my life... the day when Joe proposed, everything seemed brilliant, fantastically brilliant. The moment wasn't exactly how I planned it, sitting it a field in the middle of nowhere, having a picnic... it was in a Gay bar, but it will still romantic. He was dressed in his uniform, his best uniform, the one he didn't wear very often. He didn't even have a proper ring... but that memory will cherish in my mind forever.

My childhood wasn't exactly sweet, my parents divorced when I was young. I lived with my mum and I practically went off the rails. She couldn't control me, everything she told me to do, I did the complete opposite or just didn't listen.

I got into the wrong crowd, was always suspended from school or when I was there, I sat in detention every lunchtime. They decided to nick cars, ride them about for a bit, then take them back. But then as time went on they'd crash them or dump them on the side of the road then torch them. We got caught, myself and a couple of mates. We had a hearing and everything, went to court and was locked up in a detention centre.

People say kids turn into proper criminals in there, but I changed. I changed my attitude completely. I realised if I didn't sort myself out, I'd be constantly in and out of prison for the rest of my life. Have no career, no friends, no boyfriend, no one.

After being let out, I went back to school, a new school, and I finished my education. I didn't do brilliantly, but well enough. I did a short course at college just to fill a year. As I knew what I wanted to do, become a fire fighter.

After finishing training and being given a probation placement, I started working at Blackwall fire station. Being the only woman was tough and trying to get a load of bloke's trust, was hard. But over the years it worked. One problem seemed to be, that every bloke though he had a chance. Like I never saw other men apart from them. Dan and Joe, both of them were sweet.

Dan and I got together, although it was kept a secret, until they all found out, then we finished it. Then me and Joe were together and then broke up. I don't know what it was, it just felt like I couldn't hold a man for more than a few months. Joe's ex - girlfriend always seemed in the way as did the brigade and all the rules and regulations.

It seemed like we both knew, Joe and myself, that there was an attraction there. One that couldn't be stopped or broken. I could see in our eye contact and I could feel it inside me everytime I saw his face or heard a mention of his name.

That fire, the Chinese Warehouse fire. He proposed previously, but I hadn't given my answer. I was slightly scared, scared of what the future may hold.

Griggs had boomed out orders, he wanted to send myself, Joe, Dan and Sicknote inside. Even though there was speculations that the building was infact not safe.

Joe asked me my answer again, I'd been thinking about it a lot... I said yes... the smile on his face was so large as was the smile that was creeping upon my lips.

We entered the fire... creeking sounds became apparent, they became louder... louder... then BANG! Everything collapsed. The ceiling caved in, wood, metal, concrete... everyone was burried as the building carried on burning. Everything went totally black...

A nurse entered the hospital room that I was admitted into and I knew... Joe was dead. She didn't have to tell me. I could see by the expressions on her face my fiancé was dead. He was dead because that arse Griggs had sent us in, sent us into a building that was visibly unstable. Sicknote was dead too... that just did it. I couldn't speak, I couldn't eat and I couldn't think straight.

My body was mentally screaming inside, screaming for help... comfort.

After finding Griggs had been cleared, no blame had been pushed to him, nothing at all. So the death of Joe and Sicknote was an 'accident'!? Two men, who loved their profession, loved saving lives and who both had families and loved ones, died accidentally even though brigade members knew that the D.O. was to blame. He had murdered to men of their souls cut short their lives, but he wasn't to blame at all.

I felt let down, let down by the brigade and the people closest to me. I didn't know where to turn, what to do. Sean Bateman, the Red Watch's Commander, seemed friendly. He was nice, he talked, listened, comforted. He seemed to be slightly in the same boat, except he was left at the altar and that his fiancée didn't die. But he disobeyed my trust... he raped me.

I felt so dirty, so used, so untrusting. I felt I couldn't trust a stranger again. No matter how hard I tried, visions of that night wouldn't budge out of my mind and no matter how hard I scrubbed my skin until it went raw, I couldn't remove the feelings of him touching.

I was going to keep it all to myself, but I broke down, physically broke down into tears right infront of Geoff. I told him, I told the Guv'nor and I had to tell D.O. Griggs as well as the police. Sean was questioned, but let out on bail.

After he approached me, accused me of lying... and hit me... he got arrested and held.

Court was the worst thing, standing up infront of the judge and jury, solicitors, family members and friends and not forgetting Sean himself. I had to recall the events, giving out every minor detail, every minor thing he had or did. The moments I stood up there seemed to last for eternity. I cried, cried so hard. Tears dripped down my face as I spoke, almost choking on my tears most of the time.

It lasted days, but they were eventually worth it. He was found guilty, he was sentenced and jailed. Now I could go and live my life again, I know fully well he'd been out in a matter of years. But he'd never have a job in the brigade again and wouldn't dare to come anywhere near me.

I began to rebuild my life again, with the help of friends and colleagues who were very supportive and protective. I still didn't really trust people who I didn't know, I did begin to, but not entirely. There was still that fragile part within me that was scared and untrusting.

London's Burning - Scared and Untrusting
Gemma Lambourne 08-May-02©