Author: Madianna PM
"And evil takes a human form in Tybalt Capulet. Don't be fooled, because he may seem like your typical selfish, aggressive, homophobic, back-stabbing manwhore-faced knobhead. But in reality, he is so much more than that" Romeo and Juliet meets Mean Girls!Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 17 - Words: 21,322 - Reviews: 30 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 8 - Updated: 01-13-13 - Published: 12-23-11 - Status: Complete - id: 7665539
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
teenagejustice - Thanks! That made me laugh too. I couldn't resist tampering with 'you have really good eyebrows'
Short chapter today! But it's actually one of my favourites because of the good quotes. Will Benvolio get his hands on Tybalt's girl? And will he be nominated for Spring Fling King?...of course he will, it's a rewrite of Mean Girls.
"So, what did you get for this one?" I asked, as we perched over our test papers in Stacey's dining room.
"Well, the first time I did it, I got a zero" she replied.
That was wrong.
"But then when I checked it, I got one"
That was right.
"I got one too" I said.
"Yeah, you have to check it because sometimes the product of two negative integers is a positive number"
"Yeah, like negative four and negative six"
"That's right. That's good"
"Well, you're a good tutor" I smiled, and then we leant forwards. Her lips met mine, and I sighed with bliss. But then, before I could even begin to enjoy the kiss, she pulled away.
"Man, look, I... I can't do this. It's not fair to Tybalt"
"Why do you like him?" I asked fustratedly.
"Look, I know he can be really mean sometimes, but..." faltered Stacey.
"Then why do you like him?"
"Why do you?" retorted Stacey "Look, there's good and bad to everybody. Right? Tybalt's just...he's just more up-front about it"
Oh, no. It was coming up. The word vomit. I didn't mean to say it, but...
"He's cheating on you!" I exclaimed.
Stacey frowned "What?"
We crossed off Tybalt's arm candy from the list. And, before I knew it, Tybalt Capulet was lying on his bed wearing just his pyjamas, sobbing and wailing.
"What?" gasped Paris.
"Did she say why?" asked Petruchio.
"Somebody told her about Rosaline" howled Tybalt.
"Who?" hissed Petruchio.
"She said some girl on the netball team" Tybalt snivelled.
"Netball team?" repeated Paris.
"I gave her everything. I have a tattoo of her name on me!" shrieked Tybalt.
Paris sighed sympathetically, and then looked enlightened "You want to do something fun? You want to go to Taco Bell?"
Tybalt turned to Paris with a face of thunder "I can't go to Taco Bell, I'm on an all-carb diet. God, Paris, you are so stupid!" he leapt up, and marched out of the room into his en suite bathroom.
"Tybalt, wait. Talk to me!" cried Petruchio, running after him.
"Nobody understands me!" yelled Tybalt, muffled by the bathroom door.
"I understand you!" protested Petruchio. I turned to Paris, who looked upset.
"You're not stupid, Paris" I said comfortingly.
"No. I am, actually. I'm failing almost everything" replied Paris.
"Well, there must be something you're good at"
"I can put my whole fist in my mouth. Want to see?" Paris beamed eagerly. He clenched his hand and began to push it in his mouth, his eyes wide open with glee.
"No. That's OK" I moved his fist away from his mouth "Anything else?"
"I'm kind of psychic. I have a fifth sense"
"What do you mean?"
"It's like I have ESPN or something. My dick can always tell when it's going to rain" whispered Paris.
"Really? That's amazing" I nodded.
"Well, it can tell when it's raining"
I have to admit, I was mildly horrified when Stacey didn't immediately ask me to be her boyfriend. I mean, I know she was sad, but how much time did she need? Tybalt had moved on. He was dating Rosaline, his cousin's cousin. And they were doing it, despite the fact she was in the Chastity Club. I can only imagine what went on in the Capulet Manor...
Tybalt shoved Rosaline backwards onto his bed, all the while kissing her passionately. Her red nails scrabbled down to the hem of his shirt, and ripped it off. He pressed her further down against the pillows, without breaking contact with her. Lady Capulet opened the door and peered in.
"Do you guys need anything? Some snacks? A condom? Let me know. Oh, God love you"
But overall, the plan was going pretty well. Stacey had dumped Tybalt, and he was unknowingly eating two thousand calories a day. It was time to turn our attention to the ignorant band of loyal followers. The next day at school, it was time for the announcements.
"And finally, the nominees for Spring Fling King are as follows" declared Mr. Laurence down the intercom "Tybalt Capulet"
There was applause, and Tybalt smirked.
Petruchio's eyes lit up, and he smiled breathlessly. Tybalt rolled his eyes.
"What is happening to the world?" gasped Tybalt.
"And the final nominee..."
"I couldn't help myself. It was so easy" Romeo snickered as Mercutio whacked him with a textbook.
"...is Benvolio" I waited with baited breath, expecting my surname to be exposed "Mo-ccccuuuccch"
The intercom had cut out. Thank goodness.
"Romeo, you put me in there too? That's not part of the plan" I asked, turning to face him.
"I didn't put you in there" Romeo shook his head.
"You mean I'm really nominated?" I asked in disbelief.