EatATWC – Chapter 5

Okay, so I know I promised I wouldn't take so long to update this, but my life has been pretty mental lately – going to Italy for a week and then going to London to see Ramin's last performance ::sobs:: and less important things like schoolwork and A-Levels – and my internet decided to cut out for about a month, BUT it is now fixed! And also I finally found a copy of Les Misérables in a charity shop! ::does happy-dance:: (Mizzies: Get on with it!) So yeah. The good side of this is you will probably be bombarded by several new chapters one after the other because I have been writing while my internet has been on strike (whatever Valjean says. He never believes me ::sobs::).

Thanks to the people who have reviewed thus far and/or added this story to their Alerts and/or Favourites. Your love is felt and appreciated. Treat yourselves to a slice of Barricade-cake :D

Disclaimer: So I prayed to God on Easter Sunday to give me control of the Les Miz-universe but obviously he was busy and didn't hear me. I therefore STILL do not own anything recognizable from Les Miz or Joseph. Sigh. One day, mes amis. One day... Mwahahahaha! Ahem.

All: Oh God!

Valjean: Look. Can you just quit getting our hopes up?

Eponine: Yeah. If you're gonna make us do this, can you try not to disappear for two months?

Me: Hey! I already apologized!

Grantaire: Not accepted.

Me: Oh leave me alone!

Gavroche: Poke.

Me: Leave... me... alone!

Gavroche: Poke.

Me: Grr!

Gavroche: ...Poke.

Enjolras: Well now that she's back, shall we get on with it?

Me: Yes! Thank you Enjy, we shall... Hold on.

Combeferre: Uh-oh.

Bahorel: Screwed.

Me: Guys? Where are the Perfect!Marius/Cosette? Where are the normal Marius/Cosette?

All: ::whistle innocently::

Me: ... GUYS!

Courfeyrac: Well, if you will leave us to our own devices for two months –

Me: What did you do?

Javert: I would just like to point out I had no part in this.

Valjean: Suck-up!

Javert: ::sticks out tongue::

Enjolras: Oh that's mature!

Javert: Says the boy who started a revolution!

Me: Which makes him awesome.

All: ::sigh::

Me: And moving on, what did you do with Marius and Cosette?

Feuilly: Promise you won't be angry.

Me: ::gives Death-glare:: Just tell me what –

Jehan: Promise!

Me: Okay. I promise!

Fantine: Well, they did get very annoying after a while...

Thenardier: And they wouldn't stop going on about how much they loved one another...

Grantaire: And how adorable they were...

Bossuet: We couldn't take it anymore...

Eponine: It was just too sickening...

Enjolras: So we discussed the possible solutions...

Gavroche: At length...

Valjean: And we decided that the best thing to do was...

Javert: They sent them off on a holiday!

Joly: ::sneezes::

Me: You did what!

Jehan: You promised you wouldn't get angry.

Me: You got rid of characters without asking me?

Combeferre: You weren't here.

Me: ::is stumped::

Courfeyrac: Well since we've got that out of the way –

Me: Allow me to introduce to your new friend.

All: ::groan. Then scream as *it* appears::

Valjean: Oh good God!

Fantine: What is it!

Feuilly: How on earth can it move in that coat?

Courfeyrac: And the hat is just ridiculous!

MS!Javert: Insulting the hat of a Police Inspector? Jail!

Javert: Hat? Hat? Who mentioned a hat? ::sees MS!Javert:: Oh dear lord! That hat is simply magnificent!

MS!Javert: It is rather, isn't it?

Me: Well at least they're getting on well.

MS!Javert: Wait a second! You say you're an Inspector. Where is your hat?

Javert: It... well...

Valjean: It got stolen.

Javert: Oh shut up!

MS!Javert: But all Inspectors are required to have a hat. And sideburns.

Javert: Aha! I have the sideburns! ::strokes them::

MS!Javert: But no hat!

Javert: Well I did until someone ::glares at Valjean:: stole it!

Valjean: For the last time, it wasn't me!

MS!Javert: Stealing an Inspector's official hat? Jail!

Valjean: Oh no! Not again!

Me: Oops!

Combeferre: I don't think this was one of your best ideas.

Me: ... No.

Javert: ::sniffles::

Bossuet: Oh what is it now?

Javert: It's just... ::sobs:: Seeing that hat ::sniffs:: It makes me remember mine ::sniffles:: and everything we had together! ::Wails::

Me: That is... I honestly don't know how to respond to that...

MS!Javert: Excessive mourning over an article of clothing? Jail!

Javert: How dare you!

Me: Oh dear.

Javert: I am an official Inspector of the Law –

Javert, MS!Javert: And the Law is not mocked!

All: ::facepalm::

Valjean: Look. Can we just get on with the performing? Please?

Me: Uh... yeah. Yeah, let's get started. Let's see, where were we?

Enjolras: I'd just been sold to her ::gestures to Mme Thenardier:: and apparently I don't speak Egyptian.

Eponine: You can remember that far back?

Enjolras: ::blushes::

Grantaire: You haven't... Have you been reading this back again?

Enjolras: Look. There's no revolution to plan, I get bored easily!

Grantaire: So you like fanfiction?

Enjolras: ...It seems okay...

Grantaire: Excellent! I have some personal favourites I wish to show you!

Me: ::To Enjolras:: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Enjolras: I intend to be...

Me: Right! So we're now on 'One More Angel in Heaven'. Great! Bahorel, you're up!

Courfeyrac: I don't get the logic in this casting.

Me: It's making up for the fact he got left out of the musical. Which just isn't fair.

Courfeyrac: ::shrugs:: Whatever.

Bahorel: This is awesome!

Father, we've something to tell you,

A story of our time.

A tragic but inspiring tale

Of manhood in its prime.

Okay, question. Why do I have to do it in this weird accent?

Me: I dunno. It's just always done in a cowboy accent.

Bahorel: Hmm...

You know you had a dozen sons?

Well now that's not quite true.

Combeferre: Wow! They don't exactly sugarcoat it, do they?

Bahorel: But feel no sorrow, do not grieve.

Brothers: He would not want you to.

Grantaire: Pfft! Suuuuure!

Me: Quiet!

Bahorel: Y'see, there's one more angel in heaven,

There's one more star in the sky,

But Joseph, we'll never forget you,

It's tough but we're gonna get by.

Eponine: So hang on, they sell their own brother to some hairy guys –

Mme Thenardier: Watch it!

Eponine: And then they go tell their dad that he's dead?

Me: That's the gist of it, yeah.

Eponine: ...And I thought my family were bad!

Bahorel: There's one less place at our table,

There's one more tear in my eye,

But Joseph, the things that you stood for

Like love and peace never die.

Enjolras: I stood for love and peace?

Me: ...

Enjolras: This Joseph character is strange.

Bahorel: When I think of his last great battle,

A lump comes to my throat.

It takes a man who knows no fear

To wrestle with a goat!

Valjean: Whoa whoa whoa! This Jacob guy actually falls for that?

Me: Um, yes he does.

Valjean: This guy astonishes me.

Me: He is pretty old at this point though...

Valjean: That's no excuse!

Javert: You would know!

Valjean: Oh that is it!

Me: VJ! Javery! Stop it!

Javert: ... "Javery"?

Me: Yeah.

Javert: Where did that come from?

Me: It was a request from a Loyal Reader. (A/N: Thanks for all the reviews, Theatre4Life :D )

MS!Javert: Deliberately mispronouncing the wimpy version of me's name?

Javert: "Wimpy"? How dare you!

Me: Right! Either shut up or get out!

MS!Javert, Javert: ::sulks::

Bahorel: His bloodstained coat is tribute to

His final sacrifice.

Bossuet: See Joly? I told you there was a reason we had to beat up that goat!

Joly: Hm... I still didn't like it though.

MS!Javert: Cruelty to animals? Jail!

Joly: ::sneezes::

MS!Javert: Sneezing on an Inspector? Jail!

Combeferre: Oh leave him alone! He can't help it!

MS!Javert: Telling an Inspector how to do his job? Jail!

Me: You can arrest him after this song!

Bahorel: His body may be past its peak

But his soul's in Paradise!

Fantine: Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Me: Beautifully done!

Fantine: ::glares::

Me: What?

Fantine: I had one of the most famous songs in Les Misérables!

Me: Your point?

Fantine: I give up!

Me: ... Okay.

Brothers: Carve his name with pride and courage!

Me: Babet? ::crickets:: Babet!

Babet: What?

Me: It's your line!

Babet: Do you want this knife up your –

Javert: K+! K+!

Me: Charming. And no. Now sing your line.

Babet: Let no tear be shed.

Happy?

Me: Thank you.

MS!Javert: Threatening harm on a minor? Jail!

Me: I'm a minor?

MS!Javert: Well you're not an adult.

Me: Okay.

Brothers: If he had not laid down his life,

We all would now be dead!

Combeferre: From a goat?

Me: It's a pretty evil goat.

Feuilly: You are so strange.

Me: Yes. So anyway, now Jacob goes to cry...

Valjean: Hey!

Javert: Crybaby!

Valjean: You can talk, Mr I'm-In-Love-With-My-Hat!

MS!Javert: Mocking an Inspector's bond with his uniform? Jail!

Valjean: You'll have to catch me first!

Me: No you don't! We're not wasting who-knows-how-many years tracking you down just to commit suicide when we finally find you.

Javert: I'm going to ignore that.

Me: Anyway, Jacob goes, and the brothers and their wives have a party, then Jacob comes back and catches one of them dancing around in Joseph's coat.

Grantaire: Awkward turtle!

Bahorel: There's one more angel in heaven,

There's one more star in the sky,

But Joseph, the things that you stood for

Like democracy

Enjolras: Now that's more like it!

Brothers: Never die!

Me: Great!

Feuilly: So are we done now?

Me: How many songs have we done?

All: ::mumble::

Me: Pardon?

All: One.

Me: And how many do we do each chapter?

All: Two.

Me: So are we done yet?

Thenardier: Yes!

Me: ::facepalm::

Grantaire: Ah! But we need Marius and Cosette to do the next song and they're not here right now so maybe we should just – ::Marius and Cosette (the NORMAL versions) appear:: Dang it!

Me: Hehe! The writer holds the power!

Jehan: I don't like the sound of that...

Me: So! Eponine?

Eponine: Fine. Joseph was taken to Egypt in chains and sold,

Where he was bought by a captain named Potipher.

Marius: That's me, right?

Me: Yes.

Enjolras: Hating this!

MS!Javert: Participating in slavery? I'll arrest the whole lot of you!

Me: It's a play! It's not real!

MS!Javert: Denouncing the Bible? Jail!

Courfeyrac: There's just no winning with you, is there?

MS!Javert: Asking completely pointless questions? Jail!

Me: ::headdesk:: Please just get on with it!

Eponine: Since you said please... Potipher had very few cares.

He was one of Egypt's millionaires,

Having made a fortune buying shares in –

Marius: Pyramids.

Why am I wearing this thing?

Me: Well, Potipher's meant to be quite large and...

Cosette: Well I think it makes you look very huggable, Marius.

Me: ... Sure.

Eponine: Potipher had made a huge pile;

Owned a large percentage of the Nile.

Marius: Meant that I could really live in style.

Eponine: And he did.

Marius: Why are you all looking at me like that?

Combeferre: Because this is exactly the sort of thing we wanted to change!

Bossuet: And now you're acting no better than the oppressors of the people!

Courfeyrac: You, Marius, are a sell-out!

Joly: ::sneezes::

Marius: ::bursts into tears::

Me: Oh for the love of... It's just a play! And Marius? Man up!

Cosette: Stop being so mean to him!

Me: I'm not the one who made him cry!

Grantaire: This time.

Me: ::death-glare::

Eponine: Joseph was an unimportant slave who found he liked his master,

Consequently worked much harder, even with devotion.

Potipher could see that Joseph was a cut above the average,

Made him leader of his household, maximum promotion.

How can anyone be expected to sing that fast?

Me: I thought you handled it brilliantly!

Eponine: Thank you.

Enjolras: So I'm now working for my best friend?

Me: Yes.

Enjolras: Well this is awkward...

Me: Oh trust me. It's gonna get worse in a moment.

Enjolras: ... Meaning?

Me: You'll see.

Eponine: Potipher was cool and so fine.

Marius: Thank you, Ponine.

Cosette: Marius!

Me: Guys!

Marius: But my wife would never toe the line.

Eponine: It's all there in chapter thirty-nine of Genesis.

She was beautiful but evil.

I could go along with that.

Grantaire: Me-oooow!

Cosette: Hey!

Marius: Cosette's not evil!

Me: Oh dear...

Eponine: Saw a lot of men against his will.

Marius: Cosette!

Valjean: Anything you wish to tell me, young lady?

Fantine: We're waiting, Cosette!

Cosette: It's not true!

Me: It's... a... damn... play!

Cosette: Exactly!

Me: Oh, and you three might want to leave the room in a moment.

All: ... Why?

Me: Oh suit yourselves!

Eponine: He would have to tell her that she still

Was his.

Marius: You're mine.

You are, aren't you Cosette?

Cosette: Of course, darling!

Me: Oh this is gonna get sooo awkward... ::covers eyes::

Eponine: Joseph's looks and handsome figure had attracted her attention,

Every morning she would beckon –

Enjolras: Whoa whoa whoa! Hold up!

Me: Look. The more we drag this on, the more awkward it's gonna be.

Marius: I'm so not happy with this!

Cosette: How do you think I feel?

Me: Just say the line! Sooner you get this over with, sooner you can forget about it!

Grantaire: ::eats popcorn::

Cosette: If I must... Come and lie with me, love.

Ew, ew, ew!

Enjolras: Charming!

Me: Just don't say anything! You'll only make it worse.

Marius: How could this get any worse?

Me: I'm not the one who wrote this!

Eponine: Joseph wanted to resist her, till one day she proved too eager.

Joseph cried in vain –

Enjolras: Please stop! I don't believe in free love!

Fangirls: Shame.

Me: And this is where the awkwardness shoots off the scale.

Courfeyrac: This is just...

Combeferre: And this is a kid's musical?

Joly: ::sneezes::

Grantaire: ::eats popcorn::

Gavroche: ::snaffles popcorn::

Bahorel: Gavroche! Cover your eyes!

Gavroche: No way!

MS!Javert: Absolutely not! This disgusting display must not continue any further!

Me: Moving on!

Eponine: Potipher was counting sheckles in his den below the bedroom

When he heard a mighty rumpus clattering above him.

Grantaire: Aw! Our little Enjy's growing up!

Enjolras: If you ever mention this again, I swear I'll –

Javert: K+! K+!

Eponine: Suddenly he knew his riches couldn't buy him what he wanted;

Gold would never make him happy if she didn't love him.

Marius: Hear that, Cosette?

Cosette: I do love you Marius!

Me: You guys really need to learn the concept of the 'fourth wall'.

Eponine: Letting out a mighty roar –

Marius: Roar!

Me: Hold it. Hold it! What was that?

Marius: I was roaring.

Me: No. That sounded like a mouse with a sore throat.

Marius: Fine. How's this? Roar!

Bahorel: That was exactly the same!

Marius: Honestly! You guys just don't appreciate talented roaring!

Valjean: What about this? ROOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAR!

Me: Perfect!

Marius: Sigh.

Eponine: Potipher burst through the door.

MS!Javert: Destruction of public property? Jail!

Marius: Joseph, I'll see you rot in jail!

Javert, MS!Javert: I wish!

Enjolras: Hey!

Marius: The things you have done are beyond the pail!

Enjolras: This guy really doesn't have much luck does he?

Me: Not right now, no.

Enjolras: Are you enjoying this?

Me: ... No. ::whistles::

Enjolras: Hmph!

Eponine: Poor poor Joseph, locked up in a cell.

Things ain't going well, hey, locked up in a cell.

Poor poor Joseph, locked up in a cell.

Things ain't going well, hey, locked up in a cell.

Locked up in a cell.

Javert: Aha! Finally!

Enjolras: Oh great. So now I'm in prison. Today was a good day(!)

MS!Javert: Making sarcastic statements? Jail!

Enjolras: I'm already in jail, you sideburned twit!

All: ::gasp::

Enjolras: ... Forgive me, monsieur.

MS!Javert: Accepted.

All: ::gasp::

Me: ... And on that bombshell –

MS!Javert: Quoting Top Gear and writing a fanfic full of anachronisms? Jail!

Me: Hey! ::is arrested:: Oh fantastic(!) Well, see you guys later!

Javert: Talking to readers without using an author's note? Jail!

Me: What the –

Javert: The Perfect!me's love of arresting people has rubbed off on me.

Valjean: I'll be over here...

Javert: Get back here, 24601! ::chases Valjean::

Combeferre: Hey! I just realized she never asked about the hat!

Courfeyrac: ... Is it still missing?

Javert: ::wails::

Grantaire: Oh great! So who'll be next do you think?

Fantine: Who can say?

Well, that went... interestingly. Once I've escaped from jail, I'll update again – it shouldn't take that long. (I am the writer and therefore all-powerful, after all ;) )

Again, I am sorry for the two-month break (Valjean: You should be!) and you won't have to wait so long ever again. I know I said that before but... yeah. Please review, con-crit is appreciated, and if you have any requests for Mary-Sue!Mizzies then bring 'em on! All the main characters will get a turn (by main characters I mean the lot who generally have solo bows. So we've got Valjean, Fantine, Eponine, Enjolras, Grantaire (and possibly Gavroche) left. And possibly a few of the students if you want them. And anyone else. I won't know if you don't tell me so REVIEW! And you get cookies. And Barricade-cake. You know you want some...