|The Owner's Guide and Manual to ITALY VENEZIANO
Author: Dragonclaw-Phoenixstar1017 PM
A guide to your brand new ITALY VENEZIANO unit! I own nothing but this story.Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Humor - N. Italy - Words: 2,822 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 21 - Follows: 3 - Published: 01-01-12 - Status: Complete - id: 7697806
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
The Owner's Guide and Manual to ITALY VENEZIANO
Congratulations on purchasing your very own ITALY VENEZIANO unit! To ensure that you receive the full potential of your unit, please be sure to thoroughly read this manual to avoid the possible death(s) of your and/or your unit.
Name: ITALY VENEZIANO (Will respond to Italy, Ita-chan, Veneziano, Italia, Itaria, My Little Italy (needs to be done in an Italian accent and while he sleeps), Cutie, Hot stuff)
Place of Manufacture: We aren't telling you. Go to the back of the Manual, and call the number there with complaints/comments/questions about if we're hiring.
Height: 172 cm (5'7" or 5'8")
Weight: ROMANO wouldn't let us.
Length: Heh, heh, you'll be very surprised/happy/ecstatic/fangirling
Your unit comes shipped to you equipped with:
Box of raw pasta noodles (x3)
Jaw of Tomato/Pasta Sauce (x2)
Blue Military Uniform (x1)
Sailor Suit (x1)
Parmesan Cheese (x1)
White Flag (x25)
Germany Plushie (x1)
Japan Plushie (x1)
Romano Plushie (x1)
Tomato Plushie (x1)
GINO/ITABBY Unit (x1)
REMOVING YOUR UNIT
While it would seem that is it fairly easy to remove an ITALY unit from his packaging, it is actually a lot harder than expected. You may notice that instead of the standard, human sized box with various labels on it saying "fragile" in a different language, it is a simple box with the word "tomato" written on it in kanji. This is normal. Do not panic whatsoever. To avoid injury to you/your unit, we HIGHLY advise you read these instructions beforehand:
1. Purchase a GERMANY unit. Let him find the box (in his WW1 mode) and have him open it. In a few minutes (or hours, depends on where you put the box and where you left your GERMANY unit), you should hear frantic speaking in Italian. Do not worry; this is COMPLETELY normal. If you already own a GERMANY unit, even better! You don't have to waste more cash.
2. Make a plate of pasta and put it close to the box. Find a way to waft it towards the box. Soon, you should hear an excited "Vee~". It will now be safe to open the box. Feel free to go ahead and do whatever to your unit after you introduce yourself.
3. Shake the box as much as possible until you head a loud, ear-piercing whine. Now you can free your unit. If you admit to being the one shaking the box, he'll be afraid of you for the rest of his time with you. If you lie and say that it was someone else and they ran away, then he'll be the greatest (or worst) friend you've ever had.
ITALY VENEZIANO units come with a selection of different modes for your entertainment/pleasure.
Homicidal Maniac(A thousand times LOCKED)
Mafia Boss(A trillion times LOCKED!)
These modes, as similar as they seem, are different from one another. In Excited mode, your ITALY will look around as if everything is something to play with. And we mean everything. In Hyperactive mode, ITALY Will. Not. Sit. Down. Worth. A. Crap. We have tried to get him to sit down in this mode, but everyone who tried ended up having to go to the crazy house for a few days. In Friendly mode, he'll hug everything he can wrap his arms around. This does not exclude you, your parents/guardians, your cat/dog/fish/bird/lizard/pet, your neighbor(s) pets and family members, your enemies, your friends, other units that won't try to kill him on sight/first time he touches them, a tree, a rock, stray animals, damn near anything. We aren't kidding! Our director had a brush in with several ITALY units in Friendly mode. She also wound up having to lock herself up in her office for a few weeks…. This is not a mode to be taken too lightly.
The Afraid mode in a little too easy to unlock. All it mostly requires is for something to even mildly scare him, and he'll be a pile of quivering, terrified Italian jelly, huddled up into a corner. If you enjoy comforting/torturing people, then this is a mode you'll enjoy greatly (We here are the Greater Good Manufacturing & Entertainment are NOT held responsible for anything your ITALY unit does if he manages to slip out of this mode and into something much more disturbing).
The Tired mode, well, how self explanatory is this? Really, if you know very little about ITALY units, why did you buy one in the first place!
The Enraged mode is dangerous. Unlock at your own risk. Because once he slips into this, just hope all he does is blow up the kitchen. In this mode, your unit will slightly open his eyes, just enough to reveal their color, and will sport a dark look. These are some of the first warning signs. Other first warnings include him starting to order you around, trying to find some sort of weapon, talking about killing you in your sleep, bitchslapping you if you insult him enough, etc. We warn you, again, we will not be held liable if your unit gets into this mode.
The Depressed mode is basically him just weeping about in a corner and crying about the HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE units that we took away from the ITALY VENEZIANO units when they were still young. No one, not even the boss, wanted to do it, but we had to go by what consumers would say. That, and the HRE units might've threatened us if we didn't lie to them telling them that they needed to go to war…..
The Homicidal mode is locked for a reason. And a damned good one at that! If your unit sees a dead/mutilated GERMANY, JAPAN, ITALY ROMANO, and/or SPAIN units, he will hunt down and kill the son a' bitch that did it. We aren't kidding. We lost about half of our staff from just one ITALY on a murderous rampage (They accidentally killed a GERMANY unit with said ITALY watching while they tried to fix him). If you love your life, you family, friends, pets, neighbors, and/or your planet, you will avoid this mode as much as possible. Be warned, though, there may be times he will shift into this and then into the more dangerous modes he has.
The WWI and WWII modes are locked for the simple fact: He gets waaaaaaay more annoying than normal, and will automatically seek out a ROMANO, GERMANY, and JAPAN units to complete the AXIS trio/set. Please, for your sake, do not do it.
The Homicidal Manic is unlocked once you have failed horribly to revert him back to his normal from the Homicidal mode. This mode is dangerous. Be careful in this mode! One wrong move and your chillin' with the dead bodies of the people who hurt his friends. Pray to whatever God or Gods you worship that he will always see you as a friend no matter what….
The Mafia Boss mode is pretty damn explanatory. Stay as far away as from this as is humanly and inhumanly possible. Because if you don't rank high enough in his "family" he might have you whacked off. Or sent to jail be framing you. Or anything else a mob boss does to his enemies. Again, pray….
(We will never be held responsible for what your units do. You were the one who signed the contract saying that you were always, no matter what, responsible for your unit. That means we also have no say in what you do with said unit, but hey, we're trying to help here. Don't sue us for you will not win. For some reason there are a ton of Mafia Boss mode ITALY's around her (The Boss).)
Your unit is fairly sufficient in taking care of himself in this category. However, he will protest and whine if you try to force him to take one. And he may or may not plead with you to stay, for he does not want to be lonely. It is very unlikely that there will be anything that would be romantic between you two, he's way to naïve to understand if you'd want it, either way.
Your unit can take care of himself when it comes to feeding. If you'd like, he can make a mean-ass pasta! He is possibly one of the best cooks you could have (if your Italian and miss homemade pasta, or are just extremely addicted to it or Hetalia).
Let him sleep anywhere but outside, the kitchen, and the tub. Other than that, he's good. If you find him passed out in your bed or on your couch butt naked like the day he was born, just give him some pants and a tank-top and let him be.
These units are the only ones that your ITALY VENEZIANO unit can and will interact with without too much injury to either.
These units are as close as two friends can be. If that includes sharing a bed with a naked Italian, chasing after him when he gets the living hell scared out of him, and being madly in love with him but entirely unable to show his feelings. Yeah, that's what their relationship is. Loving with the hint of humor and fluff. Let's go with that.
These two units are close, much like with GERMANY units, but aren't as close. They will spend time training with a GERMANY unit (be warned, a random JAPAN unit just might show up on your doorstep one day asking for your ITALY so they can go and train with GERMANY; refer to FAQs if that happens), and making food with one another. However, with prolonged exposure to an ITALY unit and NO supervision from either you or a GERMANY, he will start to act like an Italian, along with gaining a hair curl on his head similar to your ITALY units. He will also say "PAAAAASSSTAAAAAAAA~" while doing a weird wiggle while GERMANY watches in utter confusion, while ITALY remains happy and good-natured.
This is your unit's older brother. On the outside, he may appear to be a jack-ass, douche, bastard, piece of shit, etc, but deep down (somewhere) he really does care for his brother. We aren't sure where, per se, but it's somewhere. They share a grandfather, a home, a love of tomatoes and pasta, and a love for flirting, so they're kinda similar. However, you will notice that ROMANO units have darker hair, open their eyes more often, hang out around SPAIN much more frequently, mutter evil things about Potato Bastards (GERMANY and PRUSSIA), and threaten you even if he loves you. He's like VENEZIANO, just a lot more bad ass.
This unit is considered to be another older brother to ITALY VENEZIANO. We aren't sure why, though. Apparently, since this unit is madly in love with both ITALY models, we think VENEZIANO chooses to see him as a brother. You know, to try and get rid of any creepiness between them. All this unit will do to your ITALY is invite him over for a game in the pool and some churros. As long as other models aren't around….
UNABLE TO FUNCTION WITH WITHOUT SPECIFIED TIME LIMITS/ DON'T LET THEM NEAR EACH OTHER TOO LONG
Just as the double title says. You Can't leave these models alone with your ITALY VENEZIANO too long, or something might happen.
Another older brother figure to ITALY VENEZIANO units. While he may seem to really care for your unit, don't be fooled. This guy has weaseled his way into beds more times than you can count or keep track of (We know. We've tried to keep a record. We lost count. And half of the prototypes). F not kept in check, your ITALY will lose his innocence along with his virginity, moral standards, and any sanity he may retain. Do not, we will repeat, DO NOT allow these two to be alone for any amount of time whatsoever!
This unit has something close to a crush on ITALY. He's like FRANCE models, just more kind and less likely to rape him. He will manage to trick him into getting into bed with him. And with the fact he spends his time sleeping…..
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
These units, well, the AMERICA could damage him if they watch "scary" movies together. But they do communicate pretty well. They share a similar sense of obliviousness, an inability to read the atmosphere, yeah, they're good friends. But don't let them stay with each other too long. AMERICA might impose his ideas on the impressionable ITALY, or they might grow too attached to one another, so they'll beg and whine if one leaves. Don't let it happen, kay?
Just as the warning in big bright red says. Don't ever let your ITALY within eye range, least there be permanent damage to one of you.
For the love of God, don't let these two close to one another. SWITZERLAND will try to (and just might succeed in) kill ITALY VENEZIANO, due to him being inappropriate when he runs across his property to GERMANY's house. Don't ever let them close to each other. Ever.
This is self-explanatory. It's freaking RUSSIA for crying out loud! Letting him close to yourself if you don't own him is dangerous in it's own!
He will PWN your ITALY's ass. 'Nuff said.
Lemme guess, this is the section that you really wanted to read, right? Of course, you shippers, you. Well, here's just a general, mildly okay list of units your ITALY is able to get with.
JAPAN (Although why you'd do this)
Any crack-tastic thing you had in mind
Yep… that's it.
FAQs/Frequently Asked Questions
Q: I got my ITALY, but instead of a happy Italian, I got a foul mouthed bastard who won't do what I say when I ask.
A: This is a ROMANO unit. Sorry, the people who send the deliveries to the mail people don't like us. Send him back, we'll get you your ITALY VENEZIANO right away.
Q: My ITALY won't stop sleeping around my house all day.
A: This is normal. He wouldn't be ITALY without doing this.
Q: My ITALY is whining something in Italian. The only Italian I know is pasta!
A: Either get an Italian-to-English/French/Whatever language you speak book, or ask him to start speaking more English, and enjoy his cute lil' accent.
Q: My ITALY ate a bug.
A: Go to a doctor. Or a fan-girl store.
Q: My ITALY is hitting on me and, uh, trying to "play" with me while I sleep.
A: You managed to unlock his "Horny & In Love" mode. Please tell us how you did that.
Q: WE RAN OUT OF PASTA!
A: Calm down, don't worry. Just go tot the store, go to that secret little door only ITALY can somehow manage to find, and steal/buy as much pasta as needed.
P: Your ITALY is running around with a gun to his head and threatening to kill himself if he doesn't see his "Doitsu".
S: He needs a GERMANY unit. Fast.
P: Your ITALY has destroyed your kitchen.
S: He probably screwed up a pasta dish and doesn't want ot keep lookinga t the kitchen. Send him to live with an AXIS set for a few days while you get someone to fix up your kitchen (We'll send someone, don't worry too much).
And so finally…
With much love, care, pasta, nurture, and pasta, your ITALY unit will grow to be a physically strong but terrified country in no time. He is also a certified "Huggable Person", meaning he'll stick around for a long time if you do what we suggested and recommended (if that's a good thing to you).
Sorry to have to put the disclaimer here, dudes. Anyway, I own nothing but this story and my account, and my style of writing. Woo! I have no damn idea who started this. I wouldn't mind knowin', ya know? Thank and have a good night!