Author: TwilightsMyPassion PM
After his mom passes away, Edward is left to take care of his little sister Alice. They both are broken. They want to be happy. Alice loves her new teacher Miss Bella and thinks she's perfect for Edward. What she doesn't know is that love can be harder than it looks. Will Edward and Bella pull through?Rated: Fiction T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Edward & Bella - Chapters: 58 - Words: 154,372 - Reviews: 915 - Favs: 415 - Follows: 366 - Updated: 10-13-12 - Published: 01-05-12 - Status: Complete - id: 7713427
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: Disclaimer: I don't own the characters.
Happy Monday. I hope you're not in a Monday mood like me... *Zombie State*
Finally, fanfiction let's me receive emails again. That was pure torture.
Thanks for the awesome feedback. I hope you enjoy the chapter.
How can I let Bella see me like this? How can I be so weak? How can I…
"Edward." She says into my ear. "You still with me?"
No. I'm off into my mind, wandering, going, going…
"And how does that make you feel?" My therapist, Susan, says. It's only my second time seeing her. Exactly ten days after my mom's passing. I don't want to be here. I'm an adult; I don't need it. I have to go take care of Alice. I'm a man and an adult and I don't need this. I'm not emotionally damaged, I'm emotionless, and I don't need to pay someone to listen to me say 'Yeah I miss my mom'. I'm not that weak. Come on.
"I don't know." I shrug. She's such a therapist. How does that make you feel? I don't know not good if I'm here.
"You're life has changed dramatically. You have new priorities. Have you considered this a new chapter?"
"A nightmare." I mutter.
"Okay, that's progress. You've finally come to realize this has happened. You have Alice to take care of. How's she coping?" Susan leans forward and her gaze is soft. No matter how hard I try, she's growing on me. I can't not like her.
"She still hasn't spoken since she found out the news. It's been days. This isn't right. She eats a little and wakes up from sleeping. I think she has nightmares." I admit. "I don't know what to do."
"She lost all she's had and this is all new to her. She's coming around though, from the first few days."
"How long will I be stuck with her like this? I can't take it." I swallow the thickness in my throat building up. The blinds are shut in the white room, making it look like a damn hospital. I want out. I want home.
"Only time can tell. I promise you that Alice will recover. She's young. She is going to counselling, no?" I shake my head at Susan, no. "Well, my."
"Well you." I huff. "Look, I… I'm fine."
"No you're not. You're not coping."
"My mom was hardly in my life and ever since dad died-"
"She was important to you."
"She was hardly in my life since I've been an adult." I repeat. "I can handle myself."
"Ah. But with Alice-"
"I'll figure this out. Okay?"
"You're hiding your emotions. You refuse to feel. You won't let yourself hurt."
"Hurt is for the weak." I laugh darkly. "I'd rather feel nothing."
"Then you'll never feel happiness… love. Nothing."
"I never have anyways."
"Edward!" Bella says loudly. I snap back into reality and blink several times. I haven't done that for awhile. I haven't had a flashback since...
"What?" I mutter and fall into her shoulder. "Can I go to bed?" Not talking about anything, not thinking about anything, I'll be okay.
She stands up and somehow pulls me with her.
Next thing I know we're in the bedroom. I lie down and pull the covers over me and Bella crawls in next to me. I instantly and thoughtlessly wrap my arms around her; it's an instinct of mine now, I don't even have to think about the action. That's reassuring for me. That's good. Soothing even. Her head leans against my chest and rises and falls with my labored breathing.
It's dark in the room and my thoughts let loose.
Oh great. I cried around Bella. I had an episode, I panicked, I got lost in my thoughts again. A flashback.
Shit, shit, shit.
I can't even open my mouth to apologize.
Bella caresses my chest with her feather light touches being made by her fingertips. I listen to our matching breathing.
"Bella," I blubber out of my suddenly sleepy mouth.
"I'm here." She replies instantly. "It's okay, everything... we'll get through it all."
"No, no." I shake my head stubbornly in the darkness. "I'm fine."
We both know I'm lying. Shit, well I'm usually a pretty damn good liar. How long have I been bottling up anyways? It must have been some time. I only went to four therapy sessions then stopped going because a) it was too damn expensive, and b) I'm an adult and don't need that shit. I'm stronger than that; I'm a man for crying out loud. I don't want to sit on a couch with a box of tissues crying out my life story. When somethings wrong, I'd rather punch something... or at times someone. That's how I let my anger out.
But lately, since Alice has been my responsibility, that's not a smart choice. I can't be an angered, frustrated man around her. She doesn't deserve that. And I definitely can't talk about my emotions, I don't even know where to start with them, or who to talk to. I mean I guess I have Bella now, and I can tell her anything... but before...
I learned to bottle things up.
It works... to a point.
So it's what I've been doing for the past while. I can't just change how I am, and it's only recently that it's been bugging me or raising consequences.
Bottling things up isn't good in a relationship. Bella lives with me and knows me well. Too well. Almost scary well, if you know what I mean. She knows so much about me; why's she still around again?
In a relationship, if you bottle things up - mainly past emotions and memories - one day you'll explode. And trust me, it won't be pretty. I just exploded and Bella witnessed.
I think I cried.
I'm sure I did. My eyes are blotchy.
Oh shit, I cried.
Look at how strong I am.
Note the sarcasm.
"Please... say something." Bella murmurs against my collarbone through my t-shirt. "I think the silence'll kill me."
It's all I can think to say. It's what bubbles to the front of my brain and the only words my lips are willing to form in response. What else can I say? Oh, I didn't mean to cry? Well I did. I wish that hadn't happened? Well, again, I kind of am glad because I'm not a full bottle under pressure to burst, I'm empty again. But for how long?
"You have nothing to be sorry for." Bella replies and I feel her fingers pressing deeper as she runs them across my chest.
"I-" Ugh, what the hell do I say now? Again, I do not do well with speaking about my emotions. They're confusing. I swear I'm getting a headache from just thinking about this.
And hell, I thought I was getting better. Really though, what did I think exactly? Did I think Bella would just prance into my life and complete the picture and suddenly everything is okay? Okay, maybe I did. But that's far from the truth. If anything, I'm just bringing an angel into my hellhole and that's not fair. I need her though.
I love her.
I pull her tighter as though she'll just disappear into thin her. I don't deserve her, but I need her and I'm not letting go.
I know she loves me back.
She really, really does.
"I don't know what to do." I finally surrender as I pull her even closer. I pull her upwards more so I can bury my face into the sweet scent of her hair. Even though it's dark, I want to hide. I want to hide myself, mask my emotions. "I want to tell you..."
I want her to help me get through this. I don't want to be so damn weak, but I need help. I'm not... right.
I want to be sure of myself; confident.
"You're hiding yourself, you're keeping stuff away. You... won't talk about what's a matter, it's your defense mechanism. Edward, I know you're hurting. I know that everything's such a big difference for you. Me, Alice, your mom's death and even your dad's death despite the fact it was so long ago." Bella wraps her arms around my neck and I exhale.
"I'm here." Bella squeezes me. "Do you know that? That I'll always be here."
"I like to think that." I breathe in the scent of strawberries and vanilla. It's comforting, it's home.
"Do you know that?" She repeats.
I exhale again. In. Out. In. Out. It's a rhythm.
I think of an answer for a long moment. "I was never this close with someone. It doesn't seem right half the time, to deserve you I mean. I know you're mine and I'll always be yours. But, there are times I worry something'll happen and I won't have you anymore. I know Alice thinks the same way, she thinks she'll lose you.
"My dad and I got in a fight the morning... over the fact I took one beer from his bar fridge. I never thought he'd notice; he never went in the garage during the winter! He noticed though and boy, was he pissed. One damn beer." I shake my head in disgust. "We yelled and bickered back and forth, it made my mom insane. She hung her head and cried, tossing us both out the door and into the frosty air to settle it. All that happened was a push from my dad and he left me sitting in a snow bank while he drove off to work. He never came home. I always knew though, that one day he could die. That any day could be his last day. I never really was close to him."
"My mom, well, she was another story. When she got ill, I tried to visit her as often as possible. Every time I saw her she looked worse. I just knew she wouldn't make it so I made excuses to not visit her in the hospital. 'Sorry, I had plans' or 'Sorry my car needed to be fixed'."
"So you distance yourself from someone you are close to so it won't hurt as much if they die or leave?" Bella questions.
"I guess so." I sigh into her hair.
"And how does that pay off?"
"What?" I press my mouth together in a firm line.
"How does that pay off? Was it worth it? Are you glad you distanced yourself?" Is her response.
"No." I admit. "I'm not glad and it didn't pay off. It was nowhere near worth it. My mom died her last days alone in a hospital room when I could have been there. I grew up without a father figure because we chose to hate each other. Now that they're gone, I don't have any good memories of them on their last days. It hurts more to know I wasted valuable time."
The words become truer as I speak them so I continue. "But for some reason, I bottle everything up."
"It's instinct. It's what you always do." Bella replies. I notice how I love how she absorbs every word I say and takes nothing for granted. She listens and learns and in reply she helps me. It's amazing how much better I feel just by telling her. I don't feel weak. In a way, I feel replenished.
I don't want to distance myself from her and I fear that might be where our relationship is going.
"I shouldn't. I know that. You're good at this talking stuff you know." I stifle a yawn near the end of my sentence.
"I did a course on counselling in college. I either wanted to be an in-school counselor or a teacher. Either way, I just love listening and hearing what people have to say. I want to help. I want to change people for the better and help them become what they deserve to be, ya know? Edward, I want our relationship to be it's best and I want you to tell me everything you have to say. I won't judge you and I'll listen."
"You're perfect." I conclude since it's the only thing that makes sense. "You know, I never talk this much. I've went to four therapy sessions before I called it quits."
"And why did you quit?" Bella asks. "Were they not helping?"
I shrug nonchalantly. "I guess it was alright. Susan was nice and she actually put up with me. I quit 'cause I'm an adult and don't need that sh- stuff. I'm not weak."
"How does that make you weak."
I shrug again.
Bella pulls back and takes my face in her hands. In the darkness she finds her lips to mine and kisses me softly. "You're never weak. You're the strongest man I know. It's better to let it out than to keep everything bottled up."
"Are you saying I should consider more sessions with Susan?" I question before placing my lips back to hers.
Bella parts her lips softly, but pulls back before I can use it as an advantage.
"I'm saying you should consider it."
"Kiss me again and I'll consider it." I reply with a smirk. I don't think she sees it in the darkness.
She kisses me though, and it's a long, earnest kiss.
Now I just hope I still have Susan's work number somewhere within the house.
A/N: Step in the right direction? I think so. Here's the plan guys... Edward's gonna get some help and get better pish posh, yeah, than I'm going to through a real curve ball and toss in some crazy angst and drama. That's the future though. That's how I roll.
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