|Miranda I am responsible!
Author: Lorna Mortimer PM
Miranda tries to transform herself into a 'responsible human' so that her allure will work on Gary Preston who is planning on returning from Hong Kong.Rated: Fiction K - English - Chapters: 3 - Words: 3,632 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 01-12-12 - Published: 01-09-12 - id: 7726035
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
… As Miranda ran down the road she noticed Stevie and Gary sat in a coffee shop opposite her joke store. She stopped running, took a few paces back and stared, open-mouthed at the two drinking lattes. She walked in to meet them at the table. Trying to get onto one of the high stools, her left buttock got jammed between the table and the chair causing her to instantly tip over and land face-down onto the biscuit crumb strewn ground. Gary ran to her assistance rapidly and helped her to her feet.
'Thanks Gary!' she spontaneously gave his bicep a squeeze afterwards and her eyebrows raised.
'I've never been more aroused.' Gary regained his seat next to Stevie.
'Miranda, What are you doing here?' Asked Stevie.
'Well I needed to buy a new bed, too much action, so I went to the bed shop to buy one. I instantly got mistaken for an employee, got harassed by dreamboat Charlie, got called Sir twice and…Hang on! What are you two doing here, together, ensemble?' Stevie and Gary looked at each other in a confused way.
'Well seeing as you were too busy pretending to be human, I won't add the word responsible, I needed some help at the shop. Gary was the first person to walk through the door and he offered to give me a hand with the stock checklist. We didn't really want to stay in the shop because it was full of baby toys so we came here instead. Problem? You didn't think we were (makes heart sign with hands)…did you? I may have the allure but that would be sinking to a whole new level.'
'No! I just thought you might be…erm…uuuhhhhhh…I just thought I'd come and talk about the…hidden dragons?' she squirmed under pressure uncomfortably. Gary and Stevie stared confusingly at her face.
'You know when you get nervous in social situations and you end up lying to impress?'
'Exactly, we all do it!' She continued talking to them when she noticed Dreamboat Charlie waving at her and grinning through the window.
'Quick, Gary! You have to help me! He's back! Wait, stand there a second.' She pointed at the counter. He went and leaned on the side and she stood behind him so she couldn't be seen. Charlie entered the shop looking around for his Miranda. He was rubbing his hand together as though he was about to eat a large lobster or a giant bowl of crisps (he 'bloody loves crisps').
'Have you seen my Miranda?"
'Erm… no I haven't, try at the restaurant. She'll probably be eating the cake that I made for her earlier.' Miranda shoved Gary from the back making him lean forwards and reveal her presence.
'There you are Bobkins! I knew I would find you. How about coming back to mine for a while.' He made thrusting actions in her general direction. Miranda hid her face in her hands and then looked around to plan an escape route. She saw her way out and ran with one leg stuck out in front of her and disproportionally long arms dangling down at either side towards the door. Charlie tried to follow until Gary, taking one for the team, grabbed hold of him and asked if he wanted to join them for coffee. After noticing the several bags of crisps hanging by the counter he decided to sit with them, letting Miranda retreat to the flat.
Back at the flat…
'Have you ever known anyone quite so obsessed with female kind. Could anything else go wrong? I haven't got a bed, Gary thinks I am a complete idiot and I am constantly being stalked by a tiny imp who is obsessed with baked potato snacks.' Just as she finishes talking to the camera her mother walks in wearing a green dragon costume.
'Hello mum. Why are you…'
'Are you engaged yet?'
'Not since the last time you asked me which was yesterday.'
'Shame. I came round to tell you that we are having a 'knights and dragons' party tomorrow night and you are coming. I have the best costume for you. Be there at seven and not before. Your father and I are having a six o'clock Jacuzzi session and there are no bubble required.' She winked and laughed and left immediately before Miranda had the time to attempt an excuse why she couldn't come. She was left feeling obligated and a little queasy. She soon recovered and a couple of hours later was sat watching Poirot on the sofa that was now covered in chocolate wrappers and biscuit crumbs (pretty similar to the café floor really). Her mouth was so coated in chocolate that a borrower could have lived off of her face for a week. She was slumped in one corner with Gary cushion over her lap and was stroking his face caressingly.
The next day…
Miranda was up and eating cereal in her usual nightdress with a sheep on and grey track bottoms. The doorbell rang and she answered quickly enough. A rather fat man was standing outside with a clipboard and lack of hair. She could make out a nametag with the name 'Roy' stated across it. She recognised him from the delivery office.
'Bed for Miranda Hart?'
'What? I didn't order a bed…or did I?'
At camera – 'Oh, this is very good. I'm not going to deny ordering it or I'll lose a free bed. Do you think someone else ordered it? Mum? Stevie? No, it can't be them.'
'Erm. Yes that is my package thank you please very much sir.' She did an awkward bow and then looked around confused mouthing the words 'what was that?'. Miranda quickly signed for the package…
…and four delivery men came into the flat with some large boxes. Seeing as she was who she was, she paid them another thirty pounds to put it together for her. It was just a regular bed but with a little added extra. The ball pool! She was so excited that she did a little jumpy up and down clappy dance of joy.
Later that day Miranda went into the restaurant to see Gary (and because she was hungry, as always). He was stood as usual in his gentle, inviting stance. She smiled and approached him, fairly normally this time.
'Did you get your delivery then?' he asked.
'What? It was you? How did you know?'
'I think I know my best friend better than most. You are mental after all.'
'Oh thanks, I was expecting a heroic speech and I got that.
'Sometimes I like mental you know.' She smiled like a schoolgirl and sat down on the appropriately sized stools and looked into his eyes.
'Why the ball pool?'
'I know you like the word and you must like them to threaten to wee in one at the gym.' He laughed into his hand but Miranda was too occupied to react to his childish joke.
'Thanks Gary! You know, that safety wife thing might not be so far away after all' she tried to conceal her true feelings from him as much as possible. He looked confused but knew that he didn't want to say anything really. (Embrace)