AUTHORSsss' Note: This is my collab with magnolia822 for the Worst Story Ever Told contest. We won judges' pick. Yayyyy! We suck the hardest. Most of the spelling and grammatical mistakes are intentional.

PAIRING: Edward and Emmett's feet

DISCLAIMER: so this isnt steph (the Meyer) writing this story so step off cuz playgurism isn't cool. Edward likes to jiz in socks and stuff cuz he likes feet and dudes. And he really likes Emmett's so you shouldn't read if you have a problem with buttsecks or toesecks. love is love.

Third Person narrator POV who likes to use Thesaurus(dot)com

The sock in Edward's hand smells like goat sweat, and he's not sure why since Emmett certainly hadn't been around a goat de novo. He doesn't care for goat. His mind grapples with the act of fornication he's about to discharge, and he's beholden Em is unable to read his thoughts.

There's no way he'd ever be able to explain why he decided to couple with his brother's sock.

Edward's nose wrinkles in astute pleasure as he stuffs his penis inside the cottony garment. His testes are quite sensitive, and so he rubs the toe sack of the sock along the crease of his thigh and his perineum.

"This is better than hunting wildebeest in the morning," sighs Edward, working his penis to its fully erect length. At five inches, he has a pretty impressive member, if he does say so himself.

He cums, shooting his hot ejaculate into the hoof cover, sending it flying across the room. "As if you could outrun me," he cries, wiping his seminal fluid off his sparking appendages.

Hanging his head in shame, he stares down at his humiliated member; it puckers like Betty White's labia, the wet skin becoming grey and hangy. Alone with his thought, Edward performs an act of flagellation on his mind with the whip of his morality.

"What would Tori Amos do?" he ponders, sullenly regarding the refuse of his morning emissions. But Tori doesn't answer. She never does.

Instead, Edward goes to retrieve the soiled foot-dress, balling it up and shoving it in his pocket . . . for later.

Not that he has any plans to do the same thing in two hours time. Not at all.

8-

Trixie's POV

Bella's kitchen smelled like rotten ass wipes when Edward got there.

"what thhe hell are u cooking?" (at)Edwardcullen says. (follow me on the twittah hahahaha, I'm (at)robscumwipes hehee)

"Fried fish and cheerios. Charlie's fave"

"Oh god what the fuck." Edward couldn't even believe that, like, he was supposed to like, stick his penis in this girl. (bellas sooo stupid coz i'd totes be fucking him bye now)

Edward tells bella he like feet now so he won't be all up in her vajayjay. she cries cuz she wants to fuck him and he prolly won't.

Bella says things like why why why, and she thinks of the time that the wolf guy came over and she told him she wasn't going to bang him and stuff cuz she has a boyfriend and all that, and then she wishes maybe she could still make out with him if he wants to.

I want to go to the mall rn. Ykwim? I need some new undies from Vickie's. My girl Tally went during the last sale and she got like three pares for two dollars or smthg.

8-

Third Person narrator POV who likes to use Thesaurus(dot)com

Edward left Bella's feeling a bit long in the tooth. He'd told her that maybe they could still be friends, but then Bella had thrown her cheerio trout soufflé at his frontispiece.

(trixie interjection: that's like something my teacher would say and stuff)

Back at domestic abode things were pretty much the same as always. Alice was dressing Jasper up in costume garb from Gone with the Wind. As Scarlet, to be percise.

"Fiddle-dee-dee," Jasper protracted slowly, pouting his deliciously moist lips as Edward sauntered by.

Alice jettisoned herslef onto Edward's Edwardian lap.

"What happened, Edward. I keep seeing holes and fish, but my spidey sense is telling me you're still a virgin?"

"No," Edward said. "I don't believe in making love before entering into a matrimonial contract. She did throw her fish at me, however, I was less than receptive."

"If you ask me, you're not a fish man at all. I think you crave something more salty and meaty for your pallette," Jasper intoned musically.

"That's true," Alice mused with her head tilted to the side so she looked like a little bunny wabbit. "I always thought Edward should take a ride on the pony express.

"What are you two vociferating about?"

"They're saying you need put a stopper in the back door, Find Out What Brown Can Do for You, Bogey Hole Number Two, " Emmett said, carrying a giant bear carcass into the living room. "I know you've been soaking my socks with your spooge, dude."

Edward was abashed at teh insinuations. He gripped the bulge in his pocket, feeling the crusty remnants of his earlier indiscretion.

(Trixie: OMG! That's so weird that Edward is carrying around that sock, ykwim? That's gross! I'm pretty sure that's like child abuse or smthg.)

Quentin Tarantino's POV

(Interior: night. Surburban setting.)

Carisle. Voice over: Ever wonder what they call a cheeseburger in Italy? A McFuckinItaly con fromaggio. What the fuck is that? When I went to that fascist motherfucking sinkhole to get my Esme, I couldn't escape the stink of the place.

Edward: What?

Carlisle: Esme. When I went to save her from Aro, motherfucker.

Edward: What?

Carlisle: Say what again! What ain't no word I never heard.

Emmett: What?

Carlisle: eyes the blood in the carpet, glances back to the group. Boys . . . I thought I tol' you no stiffs in the joint.

Alice, Jasper, Edward look at each other.

Alice: I'm a girl. Duh.

Emmett: glances up from his position crouched over the bear carcass. What?

Carlisle rips Emmett's foot off his body.

Emmett: Goddamn it! My fucking foot! You ripped my motherfucking foot off my body! PUT IT BACK ON ME!

Edward stuffs the foot under his sweater and runs into the woods.

Jasper: I dare say you gentlemen are behavin' quite improper like.

TRIXIE'S POV

kay, so Edward had that decapitated foot and he ran real fast because it made him like horny and stuff. He wanted to get away before they could take it away.

Edward growled because he was a vampire and Stephenie Meyer thought that vampires growled and he also sparkled. Oh, no, it was night, so he didn't. It was all good.

Then he went into the woods and took it out of his shirt. the foot, I mean. He opened his pants and his dick popped out. It was hard and clear stuff was cumming out of the top. Liek not pea, but prejizz.

W/ 1 hand he tugged as hard as he could on his peen, and with theother hand he touched the foot cuz he was made horny by it.

(Oh, I should warn u that this is kinda slashy cuz the foot is a guy's foot so if u dont like slash u can just skip ahead. No flames. Love is good in all forms.)

EDWARD BROUGHT TEH FOOT CLOSER TO HIS PEEN AND GRITTED HIS TEETH. NO HE SHOULDN'T PUT THE FOOT ON HIS PEEN BUT HE REALLY WANTED TOO. SO HE DECIDED TO FUCK IT.

He rubbed the foot up and down his junk and the exitement grew like his dick. Then all of a sudden he put his hands in his butt and he spooged all over the bloody foot. His spooge mixed with the blood and it got all

Actually, cum to think on it, didn't like that guy who directed the second movie make it so that the vampires weren't bloody inside? Like I think they had sawdust or ice or something. Okay, so the foot wasn't bloody. Whatever.

Stanley Kubric POV

Long shot overhead of the woods. Camera follows Edward running through the snow for twenty minutes, dragging a tree and cradling a vampire foot.

(Interior, night. Rural, vampire home)

Edward: Heeeeeeere's Eddie!

Alice: All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl. All work and no play makes Alice a dull girl.

Emmett: Dude, can I have my foot?

Edward: I can read your mind.

Emmett: you always could. That's not new information.

Edward: No, I have the Shining.

Alice: You mean the sparkling.

Jasper: I dare say I could use a little strong tonic!

Everyone looks at Jasper.

Emmett: My foot?

Edward: Takes out axe. I'd like the mate. Feet mate for life.

J Crew POV

Edward is sporting an outfit from our new collection, yet deceptively, it looks like an old favorite. We've taken obscure fabrics and blended cottons together in an iconic plaid, thus creating a true revolution in flannel. His jaunty, green shirt is hand sewn using time-honored methods and the very best of materials. In a stunning array of cross-stitches, the collar showcases the delicate buttons, creating a dichotomy of rugged wear and prep - truly a paradox in style.

Imported. Machine wash.

Trixie POV

JCrew is like super-lame. My dad wears that shit and it's not even cool. I mean, there's only so many pairs of cacki's someone can have before they look like a total douchetard. And who has a collection of plaids? Once my grama who died gave me a certificate to there but I was liek 'hell, no i wanna go to Forever 21' and she was like sad adn stuff, so I felt a little bad because then she died. But this story isn't about me. It's about Edward and his weird thing for feet and stuff and how he likes it in the ass.

Right, so, Edward has the ax and hes gonna chop emmetts foot off butt he decides not to cuz everyone else is like noooooo don't do it. so he thinks about it for a second & wonders if maybe he shouldn't cut it off cuz it would be bad and stuff.

Emmett makes him feel bad but then good because he touches him on the tricept and his thigh quivers.

Gah, hold on a sec, Tally's calling me.

Ugh, she's so annoying. I can't believe she still wants to go out with Todd after he told her her ass looked fat the other day and she cried in spanish class. All she wants to do is bitch bitch bitch moan and why doesn't she just like suck his dick and get it over with.

Third Person narrator POV who likes to use Thesaurus(dot)com

Uh, Trixie? Do you think I could get Tally's phone number? I'd like to take her on a constitutional.

Trixie POV:

Ew. Aren't you like wicked old?

Third Person narrator POV who likes to use Thesaurus(dot)com

I'm seventeen.

Trixie POV:

How long have you been 17?

Third Person narrator POV who likes to use Thesaurus(dot)com

A while...

Narrator's Five year old grabs the keyboard:

ewpurn[ ueuru reju nmjvrng fte erptjkvd i;j' roejfknj fh rjj 'sf nlnrg wif foot.

Purple Prose Fic Writer POV:

In a rare moment of profound clarity, Edward's eyes focus on Emmett, the bloody stump of his ankle crying sanguinous tears onto the heavy fibers of the carpeted floor.

"I . . . did this to you," Edward says, his voice cracking in tortuous pain. "I . . . it's my fault."

Emmett holds his gaze, slowly shaking his head in order to convey his disagreement. "No, Dude. Carlisle did."

"Oh yeah."

The two vampire men, one timorous and uncertain, one strong and robust with life, regard each other with passionate intensity.

"Um . . ." Alice says. "We're still in the room."

"I dare say you gentlemen best take this upstairs, fiddle dee dee." Jasper quirked with a delightful smile at the soon-to-be lovers.

Edward turns back to Emmett, his undead heart almost brought to life again at the vibrant look of lust in the other man's eyes.

"I think I would like to make love to you," Edward says. "If you are agreeable."

The rapturous delight that flashes across Emmett's face cannot be described in words-suffice it to say it is like a tiny, unsure daisy turning toward the noon sun, its uncertainty growing to surety, as the warm rays tickle its fragile stamen and the mystery of life bursts through the veins in order to transport minerals and water to its most recessed tributaries.

Finally, after what seems like millenia but really is only a few, short seconds of longing and exultation, Emmett nods. "That sounds good. As long as you put my foot back on first."

Edward gazes at the bloodied appendage in his hands, then back to Emmett's face, making note of the slight blush that tinges his cheeks, despite the fact he has no blood.

Edward remembers the delightful sexual rendezvous he and Emmett's foot had shared just minutes before, how they'd come together in an impassioned, albeit slightly one-sided, embrace. How he'd coated the dismembered foot with his essence, which (embarrassingly) is still clinging to it like a thin layer of sweat.

He shakes off any lingering reluctance and says in an admittedly sheepish tone, "I think that can be arranged."

Trixie's POV

OMF is that weird dude with the big ass words till trolling? Cuz dooooood. I'm not into shrivelled, old peen.

Tally says wassssup, y'all.

Okay, so Emmett is horny and stuff too for edward and he thinks he'll let him fuck him up his ass. Oh, shit like i should warn you about a slashy scene coming up in case you're not into that kinda thing. But if you have an open mind it'll be cool. love is love and asses need love too. well, ive never done it up the ass but its just because i'm still a vagina virgin. Tally says it hurts like a motherfucker tho.

but i guess it'll be hard for the boys to fuck if Emmett still is only one foot. Carlile retatches the foot pretty good cuz he's a doctor and he can fix people and vampires with no trouble. With his foot no longer decapitated the guys decide it's time to get NSFW.

Third Person narrator POV who likes to use Thesaurus(dot)com

They couldn't perambulate to Edward's domicile fast enough. Edward realized, as he opened the door, that he hadn't had a guest in his room for some time, ever since Bella's last tarriance.

Emmett wrinkled his nose and shook his head. "Dude, what reeks?"

"I don't smell anything." Oh, Edward thought to himself . . . nooooo . . .

Before he could stop the larger vampire, Emmett threw open the door to his secret closet. Edward stared in abject horror as . . .

J Crew POV

Cold winter nights in Colorado harken to mind the heavy, cable knit of these wool socks, made entirely by hand by illegal immigrants in the UK. Sheared from the asses of only the most robust sheep, and favored by truly only the most discerning footwear connoisseur, these socks are sure to delight even the most finicky person.

Nylon/cotton/viscose/wool/cashmere with a hint of stretch. Made in the United Kingdom. Hand wash.

Third Person narrator POV who likes to use Thesaurus(dot)com

Have you seen Trixie? I have a tumescence in my trousers that I'm hoping her friend Tally might tend to.

Trixie's POV

Ew. How 'bout no.

Now stfu cuz i haz sum buttsecks to write.

Edward was freaked out that Emmett would bolt since he had a closet full of sock jizzms. But emmett is into that kinda shit. He asks Eddie to give him hed. and Edward grabs his dick and puts it in his mouth and sucks it for ten minutes. His jaw started getting tired.

"oh gawd its good": Emmett says.

"mummummumm" edward replies.

He pulls down his pants and spreads his cheeks so emmett can get into his brown. it feels good for them both and they moan and cum.

They cuddle in bed afterwords and emmett rubs Ewards feet.

Purple Prose Fic Writer POV:

And so, the lovers - enfolded in the glow of each others embrace - look westward to the setting sun. A sun not unlike that same fiery orb the timid daisy once warmed itself with. It's stamen no longer unsure, it reaches proudly towards the sky, erect.

A/N - Review us and I'll email you a picture of my foot.