|I Was Broken
Author: Ennasus96 PM
Both Bella and Edward are broken from their past. As their eyes fall upon each other, they both feel the sparks flying. Can they get through their pasts and open up to each other, share their darkest secrets? Or will they both be too afraid?Rated: Fiction M - English - Romance/Angst - Bella & Edward - Chapters: 13 - Words: 41,904 - Reviews: 84 - Favs: 42 - Follows: 46 - Updated: 01-05-13 - Published: 01-14-12 - id: 7740530
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: I know, I know – it's been a long time, but December was a crazy months for me. I had to make a decide about changing schools, I had exams and on top of all of that it was Christmas, which is my absolute favourite time of the year, no doubt. So I'm sorry about that. But I'm back now. I've decide Saturday is gonna be my posting day and if I have calm weeks, I might update more. But I'll try to update every Saturday, and if I should slip a Saturday, it's because there is so much school work in some periods, and we've all tried that, so I hope you'll understand.
Happiness. It wasn't a thing I had experienced in a long time – in what seemed like forever. People need happiness, a little here and there, to be able to go on and get through everyday. After a long period of bad you need happiness, just for a little bit. After I had run away I didn't feel any happiness. I hadn't felt it in a long time. I was happy when I met Rosalie and Angela, I was happy when I got my first job, happy when I got my second job. But real and true happiness wasn't something I had experienced since before I met Jacob.
But now being with Edward – I felt happiness. I think it came with him making me feel safe, with the feeling that he actually cared for me and that I really cared for him. What we had was pure and true. We were honest with each other when it came to our emotions. I did hold back and I could feel him doing the same but we still managed to let each other know that we cared.
It could be a few words, a simple touch. We both knew what it was.
~I'm bruised and scarred
Save me from this broken heart~
I could feel this hope inside me – just a tiny bit of hope – that Edward would be the one to pull me out of the darkness and show me real love and give me back my life. The life I had suppressed for a long time. I hoped he could heal my scars and make them go away. I hoped he could rebuild my broken heart.
It was probably a very stupid thought. I should probably do all of that myself. I should be the one to rebuild myself before I let someone into my life. But I was already too far in with Edward to go back. I did the one thing I forbid myself; falling in love.
My feelings for Edward were going in that direction at least. I didn't intend this. I was a little furious with myself.
I knew from the beginning, from the first glance at Edward –the first time he was the angel in my dream – that he was something special, someone special. Someone who would have an impact on me. Already from the beginning I knew I should stay away from him but I wasn't able to resist when he had asked me out. Every chance to just spend a minute with him was something I was going to take.
And now, here we laid, tangled up in each other and I was falling in love with him. There was nothing I could do, there was no reason to fight it. It was happening and I dearly hoped that he wouldn't break my heart. I didn't give a second thought about would happen if Edward walked away, walked away and said that this could never be, that it simply wasn't anything.
I forbid myself to think about it, hoping that if it happened I would have already grown as a person, ready to take it. But not even because it would break my heart but because I just knew Edward was right.
He felt so right, It felt so right.
I shouldn't dwell on things, I shouldn't think and just do. Just live.
"Bella, can you hear me?"
Edward moved beside me, sat up and grabbed my chin with his fingers, turning my head so I was looking into his eyes. I realized I had been so wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn't even notice he had woken up.
"Good morning," I smiled and gave him a small kiss on the lips. We were very couple-ish, it was so comfortable and free. The awkward barriers had been broken down and we weren't so careful around each other. But we both knew there were some huge things we kept to ourselves. I hadn't told him my big secret.
I still didn't know if I could and I could feel he carried something big himself. I desperately wished I knew what it was.
What had happened to this pure, beautiful man that made him scared and timid?
"What were you thinking about?" he brushed a few strays of hair behind my ear.
"Oh, it was nothing, I'm just tired," I lied.
"Are you sure?" he raised his brow. I wasn't really the best liar.
Honesty was beautiful. So I decided to just tell him – a tiny bit.
"I'm just so happy I met you. I mean.. I don't really know how to express it. I've just.. You just make me feel so happy and free. And I haven't felt like that in a long time."
He looked at me, not saying a word. We didn't really say these things to each other. I guessed we both just felt it was something along those lines but words like those were never spoken.
He kissed me softly, yet with so much passion. He took my hand and forcefully stared into my eyes, so that I couldn't look away.
"You're beautiful," he whispered with so many emotions in his voice. It was overwhelming. This was definitely a new, big, step for us. The feeling of us moving forward made me happy, it made me feel hope, and I needed to feel that. Maybe I even felt like I was putting myself back together a little bit?
A smile spread across his face and I wondered what he was smiling about. A moment passed before he grabbed me and held me down on the mattress, tickling me as I started laughing uncontrollably. He tickled me so hard that I writhed around, trying to escape his hands. I laughed so hard tears were rolling down my face and my stomach hurt. He was laughing just as hard as I was. His laugh was.. so liberating.
In this moment, where we were both laughing like two little kids, I felt so normal – I felt like nothing had never happened to me, like this was a first love happening, that I was a girl with no worries in life, just a curious mind. I knew that if Edward could make me feel like this, I had to hold on to him. I had to let him in, even though it might hurt me in the end, because he could save from this misery I had been living in. I really felt that he could stitch me up. I would be a fool for closing myself off. I guess I was also a fool for thinking he could be my out from this, but for once I could feel it in my stomach, all the way down.
There was a knock on the door which caused me to freeze. I didn't feel his hands tickling my body anymore. I didn't hear his laughter. I shut everything out as the fear started rushing through my body. An unsuspected knock on the door had always made me fall into this coma. I feared he found me, that he was on the other side of the door and when I opened I would be looking directly into his cold and dark eyes – they had always been a good view of his soul. I was still as a statue.
I realized Edward was there and I didn't want him to see this because I didn't want any questions. I didn't want questions I couldn't answer. He deserved answers I simply couldn't give him and I refused to lie to him. If we were going somewhere in this relationship we couldn't lie. Telling each other our secrets was one thing, one thing that would come with the trust we were trying to build up. Lies could destroy us and that was the last thing I wanted to happen.
"Bella, are you okay?" he asked, his voice filled with worry.
Shit. He noticed. Yeah, of course, Bella – what did you expect with your behavior right now?
There was a knock on the door again and my heart kept pounding with the speed of a race car.
"I can open the door?" he questioned.
"No, uhm, I'll do it." As I answered him I realized I had been holding my breath. I got up from bed and walked towards the door. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself as I looked into the peephole. Relief flooded me when I only saw Rosalie and Angela standing on the other side of the door. It usually was only them but the fear always came with an unsuspected knock. I opened the door slightly.
"We brought breakfast!" Angela exclaimed.
"Is there enough for four? Edward is here," I lowered my voice. I didn't want him to feel unwelcome. I wanted him here. Even though I had no idea how Rosalie would react. Rosalie was Rosalie – she was overprotective and could ask a lot of questions she shouldn't ask.
"Uh, he is!?" Rosalie squealed, just as I had expected to be honest. She stormed through the door and into the living room. Angela giggled and I sighed as we both followed after her. Edward was sitting on the couch, flipping through the TV channels, looking more handsome than ever with the morning light shining in through the curtains.
Rosalie went over to shake his hand. "I'm Rosalie."
"Edward," he replied, smiling.
"Oh I know. I've heard a lot about you."
"Rosalie.." I sighed.
"Don't worry, I'll behave." She turned back and looked at Edward, "I'm the annoying one," she winked and Edward chuckled quietly.
I felt like Edward would be fine being alone with my two friends so I grabbed the bag with breakfast and brought it to the kitchen to set the table. As I stood there, putting everything on a tray, finding plates and juice in the fridge a hand suddenly rested on my waist.
"Are you sure you are okay?" Edward asked, the worry back in his voice. He kissed my temple softly.
"Edward, I'm fine, don't worry."
"But.. what happened in there, Bella? You kinda scared me."
Great Bella, scare him. Gah, why can't you just control it, why to you have to be so stupid?
I was mad at myself for showing him that I had been scared back there.. I had deeply hoped he wouldn't notice anything but how could he not? I had felt the fear all over my body, of course he could see it in my eyes.
"Don't worry, it's nothing," I smiled, trying to brush it off like it really was nothing.
"Bella. Hey, look at me." I turned around from the bread I was putting in a basket and he locked his eyes with mine. "If there is anything, anything, just talk to me," he brushed my hair away from my face, placing his hand on my cheek, "I'm here to listen, to help you. Please remember that," he pleaded.
Hearing him plead to talk to him if there was something wrong was baffling and even beyond it. My trust in him grew and I could feel, no doubt, that it would soon be complete. Another few things he could say like this would complete it and it would basically make me ready to tell him my secret. Yes, I wanted to tell him my secret.
Was that so bad?
Because I wanted him to be able to hold me when I was so scared I couldn't even breath. I wanted to be able to let all the tears and all the frustration out when it all became too much. I wanted to be able to do all these things. I guessed, no matter how much I trusted him, it wouldn't reassure me that he wouldn't run away after he had heard the story. Why would he run? I didn't have a good answer but I guessed being with a broken girl who didn't feel like she was able to love wasn't the best thing.
"Promise me," he said in a firm voice, causing me to return back from the chaos that was my mind. Now he wanted me to promise...
"I promise." I should be able to promise that when there wasn't a thing I wanted more to do, to tell him when I needed him, to tell him when I was upset but also to be able to tell him when I just needed to be quiet and have him hold me in his arms.
He leaned down and kissed me softly and it felt like he was assuring me that everything was gonna be fine. He made the relief wash through my body and start a little fire that made me warm inside. He knew exactly what to do and what to say.
"I'll go back to your friends now – that blond haired one seems like a handful," he chuckled.
"I think Rosalie's middle name is 'handful'," I laughed along with him.
I finished in the kitchen and walked into the living room where a questioning was going on. Angela was sitting on one end of the couch, laughing. Edward was sitting on the other end and Rosalie was sitting in the chair, asking Edward questions and even more questions. About what? Everything and nothing. It was like the meeting with Alice all over again. I placed the tray on the dining table and stood for a second listening.
"Where did you go to school?"
"Are you from Florida?"
"Born and raised."
"The popular kid or the nerd?"
"I went my own ways."
"Where did you go to college?"
The look in Edward's eyes changed. It became more serious and he suddenly looked very uncomfortable. It was clear there were things he didn't like to talk about. I already knew that. I knew we both carried a secret.
"Rosalie, it's enough now. Let Edward off the hook and come eat breakfast."
Edward's kind expression returned and he got up and came over to kiss my temple. He seemed very grateful that I had stopped Rosalie's questions.
"Aw, you guys are so cute," Angela exclaimed. It felt like my cheeks turned bright red and I guessed they did because it caused Edward to brush his thumb over my cheek and smile. We sat down at the table and started eating breakfast. Rosalie kept asking a few more questions, just innocent ones, so I let her. I would stop her the moment I could see it made Edward uncomfortable.
A light and happy feeling lingered in the apartment. Those carefree moments were my escape now and then.
We finished breakfast and me and Angela started cleaning up. I stood in the kitchen, doing some dishes, not allowing myself let it all be a mess, when I heard someone clear their voice behind me. I turned around and Edward stood leaned up against the door frame with his phone in his hand.
"I forgot I promised to help Alice with some moving around in her room, so I actually have to leave.."
"Oh.. that's okay," I replied, even though I was kinda sad he was leaving. I liked it much better when he was around all the time and we hadn't exactly been apart much these past few days.
"Do you wanna have dinner with me tonight?"
"Of course, Edward," I told him so honestly, like there was more meaning to it than just a 'yes' to a dinner proposal.
"I'll pick you up at 6 then," he smiled. "I'll miss you," he added. There goes my melted heart, all over the place. I gave him a long and tight hug. He gave me a kiss before he grabbed his jacket and closed the door behind him.
I returned to my dishes as a new voice started talking behind me. It made me jump until I realized Rosalie and Angela were still here.
"He's amazing, Bella."
"He actually is. And he is so nice," Rosalie added.
"Did you ask enough questions or is there a around two coming at some point?" I teased her.
"No, I think only a little more here and there," she laughed. "But hey, I'm just looking out for you."
"I know you are."
"Why did he leave?" Angela asked.
"He had to help his sister with something."
"Have you meet this sister?" Rosalie joined in.
"Uh, you are going somewhere."
"Rosalie, please don't.."
"Okay, okay I'll stop."
I loved that they were both looking out for me and wanted the best for me but I didn't want them to say too much. Too much could confuse me. I wanted this to only be between me and Edward. Because the advices Angela and Rosalie could come up with worked for "normal" relationships. This between me and Edward wasn't exactly "normal." Two people with secrets and careful approaches at this relationship didn't make it easy.
I kept saying Edward had a secret, like I did, without even knowing it. But I could feel it, the way he held back, the things he wasn't comfortable with talking about – he was hiding something. I wanted to know what it was but I guessed that if I couldn't share my secret with him, he couldn't share his.
We all sat in the living room, with a cup of tea each, and talked. It had actually been a long time since we had just sat down and had a girl talk. Rosalie talked about this new guy she just started dating which didn't come as a surprise to me and Angela – Rosalie was always dating someone. She talked about how wonderful he was and how he could make her feel. She really seemed to be falling hard for this guy. I could relate to all the feelings and emotions she was talking about, though I didn't say that out loud. I kept thinking about Edward. I was looking forward to dinner tonight. After Rosalie's round of questions I had been inspired to ask my own.
Rosalie and Angela left and I rushed to my bedroom to get ready. It was hard figuring out what to wear. I wanted to wear something that suited a fancy restaurant but I didn't want it to be too much, so it looked like I was expecting to go there again. I still remember how baffled I had been when he had driven up to that restaurant. I settled on a pair of dark washed skinny jeans, a cream loose button down and a leather jacket. I brushed my hair through and let it hang loose on my shoulders. I put on some subtle black sandals. I sat down on the couch to take a deep breath but then there was a knock on the door. I glanced at the clock. 6 pm on the dot.
I went to open the door and was met by a big bouquet of red roses and looking up a bit I saw Edward's perfect lips formed into a smile. He handed me the flowers and I looked at them stunned for a moment before he took me into a sudden embrace.
"I was right – I did miss you," he mumbled into my hair. He kissed me deeply like we had been apart for more than a few hours and I was baffled by his outburst of emotions. I wondered if he was on a first name base with butterflies because he, again and again, caused a butterfly park in my stomach. I kissed him back with just as much passion. Then I went to put the flowers in a vase and placed them beside my bed so I could look at them tomorrow when I woke up and be warm all over again.
"I'm ready to go," I announced as I stepped back into the hallway.
I locked my apartment and we walked to the car. The drive to the restaurant didn't take long, exactly as long as the last time because it was the same exact restaurant. He came over to open my door and interlaced our fingers as we walked into the restaurant and got a table. We got seated and ordered our food. I noticed Edward ordered the same as last time.
"Do you always get the same when you are here?"
"Yeah, most of the time – sometimes I order something else but it happens rarely." He grabbed my hand and held it on the table. "I thought this could kinda be our restaurant."
Amazing guy alert.
"What about a place where I can actually afford the food?" I joked.
"Don't you worry about that shit, Bella – I'll take care of you."
Correction; perfect guy alert.
The waiter came back with our drinks. Not exactly drinks, it was just water. I noticed Edward never drank. Whenever we had been some place he had always just gotten water or a soda. In the beginning he even struck me as a beer guy.
"You don't drink?" I questioned.
"No," he replied, coldness to his voice.
"Why not?" I asked interested.
He got the same uncomfortable look in his eyes like he had had in the apartment today.
"I..I'd rather not talk about it."
"Oh okay.. I have another question; how was your childhood? Were you the happy kid or the kid like me, liking to be left alone with a book," I laughed a little to light the mood after my first question was shot down.
"I..I.. don't really wanna talk about it.."
"Edward, you can talk to me."
"Stop!" he said so firmly, raising his voice a bit. It scared me. I sat back in my chair. "Fuck, I'm so sorry, Bella – I didn't mean it like that. Of course I can talk to you. My childhood is just a.. touchy subject.."
"I'm sorry, Edward," I was looking down, sad that I had upset him.
"Don't be, don't apologize, it's not your fault. Hey, look at me." I raised my head and saw guilt in his eyes. He was sad that he had reacted that way. "I'm sorry, Bella, really."
"It's okay, Edward," I smiled to try and reassured him that it was okay. I was shocked by his reaction. But now I knew that his secret must have something to do with his childhood. I would remember that, not wanting to upset him again.
He leaned in and kissed me and cupped my cheek.
"How can you be so absolutely perfect, Bella?"
A/N: That was chapter 13, yay! I think it's safe to say the main word in this chapter was 'question' haha. I really hope you enjoyed it, and I would looove to hear what you guys think in a review. They make my day.
Thanks again to the lovely Drazenka, who beta'ed this chapter. Read her completed fic on fictionpress called 'The Final Dance' – her username is 'SweetLittleTaleEndedSour'
Thank you so much for read! x Susanne