Chapter One

Bianca sat stiffly on the lumpy sofa in Lysistrata's office. She felt the therapist watching her intently but she couldn't, in that moment, think of a thing to say. Or more accurately, she didn't trust herself to say anything because if she did, that torrent of emotions she was barely holding at bay would come flooding out. She didn't want to lose control; she couldn't afford to do so.

Three weeks had passed since the trial ended. JR was apparently appealing and throwing his weight around constantly – although Bianca wasn't supposed to know that; no one wanted to burden her anymore. As if she were so fragile, that this would break her …

Too late, it already has, she thought and didn't realize she had spoken aloud until Lysistrata was saying, "What already has? What do you think it's too late for?"

Bianca shrugged. "Never mind …"

"No, not nevermind. You are paying me a pretty penny for these sessions so let's talk alright. I still get paid no matter what but you might as well get your money's worth." She ran a hand through her short, cropped bleached blonde hair. "Come on. You've got thirty-seven minutes and twenty-four seconds to open up to me. Don't make me pull out the videos on repressed grief again."

Bianca shook her head. "No, anything but those."

Lysistrata nodded. "Okay. I knew blackmail would work. Now let's talk. It's been three weeks since the trial. How are you feeling? Be honest. Remember nothing you say in the confines out this office, will leave this sanctuary of ours."

Bianca shook her head. "What am I supposed to feel?"

"Don't tell me what you're supposed to feel. Tell me what you actually feel."

"It's been nearly a year," Bianca said. "Since Marissa and my mom … died. All because of that – that –"

"Jackass? Manbitch? Psycho?" Lysistrata shrugged as Bianca raised an eyebrow. "Sorry. You finish that sentence yourself."

"I don't know how," Bianca said. "I hate him more than anyone – more than even the man I killed … Michael Cambias…"

"Rambling is good," Lysistrata said. "Sometimes that helps you get to the root of how you're feeling, in an non-linear way…"

"Ramble huh?" Bianca sighed and splayed her hands. "I don't even know where to start. All I know is that I am angry, I am really angry. But I can't be angry outwardly because then I'll scare the kids and people will worry that poor Bianca is coming apart."

"You are entitled to your feelings. And if you can't express them out there in the 'real' world, you can in here. I keep something with me for just such occasions."

Bianca watched, wide-eyed, as the unusual woman climbed to her feet, walked to the coat closet and extracted a plastic, toy bat. She then brought it to Bianca and held it out to her. "Use it wisely."

"You want me to actually … what destroy your office with this plastic … thing?"

"Sure if it helps you get some of that anger out. It's healthy. You can't hurt anyone and only I can see you. Hell, I will step out of the room and you can have a go of it by yourself. Do me a favor and take out the lamp in the corner. I never liked it but it was a gift from an old friend of mine. I didn't have the heart to tell her I hated it."

Bianca shook her head. "Talk about hiding your feelings…"

Lysistrata smirked. "I am going to go get us some sodas from the machine downstairs. When I come back, I want to see this room in shambles."

"Lysistrata, you can't be serious!" Bianca cried out but the therapist was already slipping out the door.

Bianca looked around the room as she gently tapped the plastic bat against her lean thigh. It reminded her of AJ's Little League bat. Poor AJ. He was so messed up about all of this. He was in counseling himself. Damn JR for putting him in a position where he couldn't be a happy little boy like other kids his age. Damn JR to hell!

That's when she started swinging. Thinking of the way AJ had cried when he realized he had lost two parents for life, she swung out and landed a crisp smack! to the lamp in the corner. Lysistrata had better have meant it when she said Bianca could destroy this office because Bianca was going to. She had never gotten angry, truly angry, like this in her life and she couldn't hold it back any longer. There went the ugly lamp, crashing to the floor in a million pieces. There went the draperies, torn from the rod as she rammed them again and again. There went the clock and the papers piled up on Lysistrata's desk. When the plastic bat didn't do enough damage for her cravings, she dropped it and instead used her hands to destroy the room. She had never been this angry in her life. The room was in tatters by the time Lysistrata popped her head in.

"You redecorated I see," Lysistrata said wryly.

"You said –"

"I am joking. I needed an excuse to rearrange some stuff. How are you feeling now?"

Bianca shook her head. "I'm still so angry."

"Let's go to my colleague's office and destroy some stuff in there. He's on vacation. He won't know what hit him."

XoXoXo

By the time Bianca was done destroying a second office, the fight had completely gone out of her and all she wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sleep for the next twenty years. Lysistrata seemed to sense that and offered her couch so Bianca could take a nap but Bianca resisted. She needed to get home to the children.

She thanked Lysistrata and Lysistrata just said "anytime" and then "see you next week". Bianca didn't want to come back but she knew her uncle wanted her in grief counseling and she couldn't say "no" to Jackson who was dealing with his own demons.

She stopped in the bathroom on the way out and threw some cold water on her face to try to wake herself up. As she was drying her hands, she noticed her face in the mirror. She looked hallow-cheeked and sallow; there were big black circles under her eyes. Her mother would have been horrified. Even when Erica had had hell come down on her, she had always looked her best. But Erica wasn't here anymore. She couldn't pull Bianca up out of the trenches anymore. The so-called indomitable Erica was no more either.

Bianca sighed and then tossing the moistened paper towels in the trash, she headed out and towards home.

XoXoXo

Bianca hated the house. Marissa and she and the kids were supposed to live in it all together but of course, Marissa was gone. Bianca wanted out of there very badly but looking for a new place seemed to take too much energy that she simply didn't have.

As she pulled into the driveway, she thought how much she didn't want to be here; how much she didn't want to have to look at the barren walls that lacked pictures because Bianca couldn't bear to see them all in happier times B.H.J.R. Before Hurricane JR.

She sighed and sat in the car for a good three minutes before slowly, sluggishly, climbing out of it. She then walked towards the house and was halfway up the steps before she noticed she wasn't alone. Someone was sitting on the empty porch swing that had remained untouched until today. Her eyes widened when she saw who it was.

"Hello, Bianca," Lena Kundera said in a soft voice.