referenced, and I cannot take responsibility for their actions.

This is supposed to be a TV broadcast of an awards ceremony, hosted by Broadway's undisputed greatest stalker, The Phantom of the Opera (and co-hosted by yours truly). Nonsense and craziness will follow––don't say I didn't warn you!

(Several TV cameras focus on a large auditorium, with a podium at center stage. The Theater Ghost stands at the podium, grinning at the camera, as the audience files into their seats.)

T.G.: "Good evening, Broadway aficionados! Welcome to the first-ever Golden Stalker Awards! Over the years, Broadway has seen it's share of obsessive young men hopelessly in love and so desperate in their tactics to get the girl that it's…kind of creepy. But tonight will decide who is the creepiest, the most hopeless, the most obsessive, the most obnoxious…who is the real Golden Stalker. And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is my great pleasure to introduce the greatest Broadway stalker of them all: The Phantom of the Opera! Also known as…my daddy!" (The Phantom of the Opera strides out from backstage; T.G. hugs him)

Phantom: "Thanks, T.G. As I've held the title of Broadway's undisputed greatest stalker for almost thirty years, I'm honored to be chosen to present tonight's award to a young man devoted to the woman he loves to the point of obsession. Allow me to introduce our distinguished nominees." (As he names them, the nominees enter from backstage and take their places in a line of chairs across the back of the stage; the audience applauds) "Hailing from France, my home country, the hopeless romantic who would follow Cosette to the ends of the Earth…Monsieur Marius Pontmercy of the epic musical Les Miserables!

"We did have another applicant from Les Miserables for this award: Inspector Javert, the obsessive compulsive policeman, who seemed under the impression that his lifelong pursuit of the ex-convict and parole breaker Jean Valjean constituted stalking. However, this competition judges romantic obsession, and both of these men seem to live devoid of romance, so we could not accept his application. Moving on. Our next nominee, another Frenchman, is Gaston…Leroux?"

T.G.: "No, Daddy, not that Gaston."

Phantom: "Thank heaven. Ah yes! Gaston of the Disney classic Beauty and the Beast! A bit on the aggressive side, but always determined. Our next nominee, from Leonard Berstein's acclaimed interpretation of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, the restless teenager who followed Maria home and serenaded her on her fire escape. Joining us from the West Side of New York, here's Tony!"

"Our next two nominees are just in from London. From the Lerner and Loewe golden-age hit My Fair Lady, may I present another late night serenader: Freddy Eynsford-Hill, the young man who's happy to be on the street where you live.

And the young romantic hero from the comedic horror musical Sweeney Todd, the young sailor lad who will let nothing come between him and Johanna…Anthony!"

"That covers the most popular locations. All the most popular musicals nowadays are set in Paris, New York, or London. But let us not overlook the more obscure parts of the world. Our next nominee, a resident of the quaint, nonexistent village of Anatevka in Russia, in Bock and Harnick's beloved classic Fiddler on the Roof, is undaunted by peer pressure or religious difference––ladies and gentlemen, Fyedka!"

"That's it for the nominees, now…" (T.G. hands him a slip of paper) "Oh. Thank you. It seems we have one final nominee. Hailing from London, a scoundrel, liar, and cad by his own brother's recommendation, Mr. Algernon Moncrieff of The Importance of Being Earnest."

(Algernon enters from the audience, waving and bowing as he makes his way to the stage.)

Algernon: "Thank you…thank you very much…thank you, ladies, the pleasure's all mine."

Phantom: "Ahem! Mr. Moncrieff––"

Algernon: "My dear sir, I'm sure you'll agree that we'll save a lot of time if you present me with the award right now. My darling Cecily is not patient by nature, and neither am I, so let's not delay the obvious. Not only do I love my Cecily wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly, I have pursued her with unmatched determination since the day I was made aware of her existence. These gentleman may have made…admirable efforts…But I ask you, has one of them gone to half the lengths I have to attract the attention of his sweetheart? Have they obtained her name and address with the tact and diplomacy––and, I might add, genius––I employed? Have they woven half as tangled a web of deceit, or maintained their falsehoods with half as much conviction? Have they created an alter ego or stuck to it with my kind of consistency? I tell you, sir, these well-meaning young men take everything entirely too seriously, and yet––"

Phantom: "Mr. Moncrieff, I regret to inform you we only accept nominees from Broadway musicals, and I'm afraid The Importance of Being Earnest––"

Algernon: "Is. Have you not heard of the musical adaptation, Ernest in Love?"

Phantom: "No." (aside to T.G.) "Is that even real?"

T.G.: "Yep, it's legit. I'm afraid for once he's telling the truth."

Phantom: "Well, in that case––" (He is interrupted by the entrance of several Earnest characters)

Cecily (wailing): "Aaaallllgggeernooonnn!"

Algernon: "Darling! Why, what's this? Why are you crying? What is the matter, my sweet?"

Jack (seizing him by the shoulder): "Algy, you scoundrel!"

Algernon: "What have I done now?"

Lady Bracknell: "May I ask if it is here that your invalid friend Mr. Bunbury resides?"

Algernon: "What? Bunbury? I told you, Aunt Augusta, Bunbury is dead."

Jack: "Then why did you say you were going to visit him?"

Algernon: "I did? Oh…well…splendid scrape, what? I do love scrapes; they are the only things in life that are never serious."

Cecily (screams): "You monster! You brute! I hate you!" (She attacks him, simultaneously kicking him and whacking him over the head with a bouquet of flowers)

Algernon: "Ow! Cecily, my love, whatever is––ow! Dear me, you look lovely in white––ow! Cecily!"

Cecily: "How dare you go Bunburying on today of all days!"

Algernon: "My dear, one has a right to Bunbury any time one wants to…"

Jack, Gwendolen, Lady Bracknell, and Cecily: "IT'S YOUR WEDDING DAY!"

Algernon: "Is it?"

Gwendolen (hitting him with her purse): "You stupid moron!"

(Cecily makes a sound like a wild animal, about to attack him again)

Algernon: "Well, so it is! Now, now, my darling, it was a moment of mental abstraction, quite involuntary––I didn't mean to forget; if I'd known it was our wedding day I never would have forgotten it; I'm truly, terribly sorry, really I am; please don't hit me again!"

Cecily (moves to attack, but stops herself): "Oh…Algy!" (She kisses him passionately) "Come, darling, let's get married at once!"

Gwendolen: "Dr. Chasuble is waiting for you; come on!" (They grab Algernon and hustle him out the door.)

Algernon (singing as he is being carried away): "I'm getting married in the morning

Ding! Dong! The bells are gonna chime!

Drug me or jail me! Stamp me and mail me!

But get me to the church! Get me to the church!

Be sure and get me to the church on time!"

Freddy: "I think I know that song…"

Phantom: "Okay…so much for Algernon." (He turns to the other nominees, seated in a row of chairs at the back of the stage) "Marius Pontmercy, would you please come forward? Now, Marius, I understand from your recommendation letter that you knew Cosette only a very short time before it was clear that you and she were destined for one another."

Marius: "Actually, Monsieur, when Messers. Boubil and Schoenberg wrote their musical they were not quite accurate on that point. According to Monsieur Victor Hugo, Cosette and I were acquainted for quite some time…I used to go walking in the Jardin du Luxembourg every day, past a certain bench where she and her father sat…too shy to introduce myself––"

Cosette (from audience): "But not too shy to stare!"

Marius: "I couldn't help it, chèrie, you were so beautiful! When she dropped her handkerchief I was consumed with joy! I would carry it with me always, and sleep with it by my pillow at night. I could smell her whole soul in it!"

Cosette: "Uh…you do know that was my dad's handkerchief, right?"

Marius: "Huh?"

T.G. (making "awkward turtle" sign): "Awkward…"

Marius: "I followed her home, and then I kept watch under her window at night, waiting to be granted a glimpse of a silhouette."

Cosette: "Creep."

Marius: "Then she moved––"

Cosette: "Guess why."

Marius: "And I begged my friend Eponine to find out her new address. She did, and she showed me the way to the house. And whom should we find in the garden but my dear, dear––"

Cosette: "Darling!" (She blows him a kiss, which he receives; the Phantom rolls his eyes)

Phantom: "Let's watch some footage from the musical, shall we?" (T.G. motions for a screen to roll down from the ceiling. A video is projected on the screen: "A Heart Full of Love," that unbelievably cute, mushy, lovey-dovey duet from Les Misérables, the musical.) "Wow. That was…"

T.G.: "Romantic?"

Phantom (under his breath): "Slightly nauseating. Anyways…Is it true that when you learned Cosette's father was planning on taking her with him to England you seriously considered going with them, and would have, had it not been for the revolution?"

Marius: "That is right."

Phantom: "And you were overheard during said revolution singing the following:" (Another video is projected on the screen: Marius's solo in the song "Drink With Me," the lyrics of which are "Do I care if I should die now she goes across the sea? Life without Cosette means nothing at all. Would you weep, Cosette, should Marius fall? Will you weep, Cosette, for me?") "Ah, yes, the mark of true obsession: being distracted by thoughts of her in the middle of a life and death situation."

Cosette: "I would've cried for you, Marius! I would have! But I'm glad I didn't have to; I couldn't live without you––"

Phantom (cutting her off): "Thank you, young lady, that will do. Marius, you may take a seat, and I would like to call forward…Gaston." (Gaston saunters down to the footlights with Lefou in tow, as usual) "Wait…you a Golden Stalker nominee? Please explain."

Gaston: "I'm not easily discouraged. I usually get what I want, and I'll do whatever it takes to get it."

Lefou: "Darn right!"

Phantom: "And is that how you view love?"

Gaston: "Who said anything about love? Oh, right…Belle, my offer still stands."

Belle (from audience): "In your dreams."

Phantom: "Roll the tape!" (The video projector shows Gaston's song "Me" from the Broadway version, where Gaston asks Belle to marry him, which is basically his love song to…himself.)

Gaston: "Yep, that's me. How could any woman refuse?"

Lefou (to audience): "Come on, girls, sing with me: 'No one's been like Gaston, a king-pin like Gaston; no one's––" (The girls are not at all impressed)

Phantom: "Ahem! Gaston it seems that––"

Lefou: " 'For there's no man in town half as manly,

Perfect! A pure paragon!"

Belle: "Boo!" (A couple of other girls follow suit, hissing and booing)

Phantom: "Audience, quiet please! Lefou, sidekicks are not allowed in the competition; I'm afraid I must ask you to take a seat in the audience." (Lefou hops down from the stage and sidles up next to Belle; she punches him in the face, knocking him flat in the aisle.) "Gaston, I admit you are persistent––"

Gaston: "Yesirree, I'm––"

Phantom: "But your approach is far too aggressive. True stalking requires subtlety. You're also self-focused. Remember, it's not about you; it's about her."

Gaston: "Her? Who cares about her? I'm the most awesome thing ever! It's all about me!" (Other stalkers gasp: heresy!)

Phantom: "Gaston, I'm sorry, but you are hereby disqualified from the competition. Please leave the auditorium."

Gaston: "Oh yeah? Who's gonna make me?" (The Phantom points to a chandelier above the stage, which ominously begins to tremble, and swing back and forth. Gaston turns white; he jumps off the stage, roughly grabs Lefou off the floor, and runs out of the auditorium.)

Phantom: "Okay, moving on. Fyedka? Did I say your name right?"

Fyedka: "Yes sir. From Russia with love. Let me tell you about myself. I'm a pleasant fellow, charming, honest, ambitious, quite bright, and very modest."

Phantom: "I see. What was it that drew you to Chava?"

Fyedka: "She was so…different from other girls I knew. I'd seen her often at the bookseller's."

Phantom: "Were you following her?"

Fyedka: "You might say so. On occasion. I knew she liked to read, so I gave her a book, and I said to her 'After you return it, I'll ask you how you like it, and we'll talk about it for a while. Then we'll talk about life, how we feel about things, and it can all turn out quite pleasant.'"

T.G (aside): "So that's why those disgusting candy hearts say 'Book club' and 'Let's read'!"

Phantom: "And the fact that she was Jewish and you come from a Russian Orthodox background didn't bother you?"

Fyedka: "Not in the least. Did I mention I defended her and her cow from a gang of young Russians out looking for trouble?"

Phantom: "And her cow?"

Fyedka: "In the movie."

Phantom: "Very chivalrous of you, I'm sure. Thank you, Fyedka. Moving on to the Londoners. Freddy Eynsford-Hill, we'll start with you. Tell me about Eliza."

Freddy: "Eliza Doolittle? Enchanting! First time I met her at the races…I confess I was 'sniggering at her,' as she says, but I couldn't help myself, she was so…so…" (sings)

"When she talked of how her aunt bit off the spoon,

She completely done me in.

And my heart was on a journey to the moon,

When she talked about her father and the gin.

And I never saw a more enchanting farce,

Than the moment when she shouted, 'Move your bloomin'…"

Eliza (in audience): "Freddy, you talk too much!"

Phantom: "Ahem! Let's watch some footage from the musical, shall we?" (Projected on the screen, we see Freddy singing "On the Street Where You Live," walking up and down in front of Eliza's house singing at the top of his lungs.) "Hmm, midnight serenade under the window…classic."

Freddy: "I did not leave that street for days. Weeks! I never left! I didn't dare go in the house, but I wrote to her two or three times a day, sheets and sheets, you know…"

Phantom: "Love letters are very nice. However, words cannot accomplish everything. Did you not take any more aggressive action?"

Freddy: "I…bought her flowers?"

Phantom: "I see. Thank you, Freddy. Next! Anthony. Another midnight serenader."

Anthony: "Sir, I love Johanna! From the first glimpse of her face, the first echo of her voice, the first sight of that gorgeous yellow hair, I was…deliriously in love! A glance from her would have made me the happiest man on earth."

Phantom: "Did you send her any, shall we say, token of affection? Flowers, perhaps?"

Anthony: "Any man can buy flowers; I bought her birds!"

Phantom: "Birds?"

Anthony: "I heard her singing sweetly as a lark at dawn, and I thought to myself, 'That's it! A songbird for my dear little songbird!' It reminded me of her…"

Cosette (mouthing to Marius): "WHY DIDN'T YOU THINK OF THAT?"

Phantom: "How very thoughtful of you. Odd, but thoughtful. T.G., roll the tape." (On the screen is projected the scene from the movie with Anthony singing "Johanna." Bloody nose and all. The Phantom is quite impressed) " 'Even though I'm at your window, I am in the dark beside you'…reminds me of the days when I was wooing Christine…ahem! Very impressive, Anthony, I must say. Let's see…Tony?"

Maria (from audience): "Mi amor!" (The Phantom gives her a stern glance; she ducks down in her seat, blushing)

Phantom: "I think we can safely assume that our audience is familiar with the story of Romeo and Juliet––" (a collective sigh from the girls in the audience) "––perhaps none more so than yourself. Tony, tell us about Maria. When did you two first meet?"

Tony: "I'll never forget that night! We were at this dance, see. My buddy Riff talked me into going. I had this feeling, like I was waiting for something, for somebody. The minute I caught sight of Maria across the room, I knew she was the one."

Phantom: "And the rest, as they say, is history. Wasn't there a certain amount of risk involved, her being the younger sister of the leader of a rival gang?"

Tony: "The rival gang. But that didn't bother me. I mean, what's it matter: Puerto Rican or American, who cares? I was in love with her; that was all that mattered."

Phantom: "So…what happened after the dance?"

Tony: "Her brother got pretty mad when he saw us together; he sent somebody from his gang to take her home. I just managed to catch her name as she was walking out the door. Maria…" (almost as if in a trance, he begins singing)

"Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria…The most beautiful sound I ever heard.

Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria…All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word.

Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria…" (and he bursts into song!)

"Maria! I've just met a girl named Maria!

And suddenly that name won't ever be the same to me.

Maria! I've just kissed a girl named Maria!

And suddenly I've found how wonderful a sound can be!

Maria! Maria!

Say it loud and there's music playing.

Say it soft and it's almost like praying.

Maria…I'll never stop saying Maria…

Maria, Maria, Mari-i-i-ia, Maria!

Ma-a-ri-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ia! Ma-a-ri-i-i-i-i-i-i-ia! Ma-a-ri-i"

Phantom: "Thank you, Tony, that's enough!"

Maria: "Te adoro, Anton!"

Tony: "Te adoro, Maria!"

Phantom: "Sung under a fire escape late at night I can see how that song might have a certain appeal, but if you don't mind, we have to get on with the program.

I must say it's going to be a tough decision. You are all exemplary stalkers; obsessive, devoted, hopelessly romantic. But unfortunately there is only one award." (He turns to face the remaining stalkers, whom Tony has rejoined)

"Freddy. Picketing Eliza's house was, I must say, very stalkeresque of you, and your stream of love letters was indeed very romantic. But words aren't enough. You can't just tell her you love her, you've got to show her. I'm sorry, Freddy." (Freddy, breaking down in tears, shuffles offstage, quite dejected).

"Fyedka. You were persistent, I admit. And I respect the fact that you carried out your courtship under religious tension and considerable opposition. But your tactics lack…creativity. I mean, you never even sang to the girl! I'm sorry." (Fyedka, pouting, sulks offstage)

"Tony. You pursued Maria persistently, and I applaud your audacity. Your midnight serenade was praiseworthy. But since the feeling of love at first sight was mutual, and since you and Maria technically were 'married'––in spirit, anyway, if not legally––your further displays of love don't really constitute stalking. I'm sorry, Tony." (Tony bursts into tears and runs offstage, where Maria is waiting to receive him)

Maria: "It's all right, mi amor. I'm glad you stalked me."

Phantom: "And so it comes down to our final two nominees: Marius and Anthony. Both of you displayed outstanding romantic obsession and selfless devotion. Your advances were shamelessly bold, yet elegantly subtle. And both of you are excellent singers, especially late at night. However, as I'm only able to award the title to one stalker…" (At this point, the Phantom is interrupted by a commotion at the back of the auditorium. Eponine comes running up the aisle, panting breathlessly, holding onto her hat with one hand and waving frantically with the other)

Eponine: "Wait! Stop! Hold everything!" (General reaction of everyone in the audience: "What in the world?")

Phantom: "This is…who is this young woman? Ladies and gentlemen, we, uh, are experiencing technical difficulties…the program will resume after a word from our sponsors!" (aside) "T.G. quick, cut to a commercial!"

T.G.: "No way! This is gonna be good." (Eponine bounds onto the stage and grabs Marius by the arm, talking so fast she can hardly be understood.)

Eponine: "M'sieur Marius! Oh, Marius, you dear, sweet boy, I've found you again! At last! Oh Marius, don't you remember me?" (Marius, turning visibly pale, makes no response. Eponine addresses the Phantom) "Sorry I'm late, Monsieur, but I want to enter the competition too! I've been stalking him ever since he moved in next door to us. Oh, you should've seen the things I did!" (She points out Cosette) "I helped him stalk her, did you know that? I found out her address for him; showed him the way to her house, too. And I brought her his love letters. And I saved his life; did you know I saved his life? Did he tell you I SAVED HIS LIFE? I followed him when he went to fight in the revolution. It was him they were trying to kill, but they shot me instead, haha! Oh, Marius, aren't you glad to see me? Aren't you glad I saved you? Marius, say something!"

Marius: "Y-y-you're s-supposed to be dead! You died in my arms!" (He faints)

Eponine: "Marius! Oh, M'sieur Marius, are you all right?" (Cosette runs up onto the stage)

Cosette: "Oh dear, Marius! Hold on, darling, it's all right, I'm here." (to Eponine) "Back off; he was never yours to begin with, and you're not getting him now." (Cosette grabs the unconscious Marius under the arms and drags him offstage. Eponine and T.G. run after her. The Phantom is flabbergasted.)

Phantom: "Ahem! Well…it appears we have only one nominee remaining. Anthony, as our other finalist appears to be ––indisposed––it is my great pleasure to confer upon you the title of Broadway's Number One Stalker!" (Amidst wild applause, Anthony steps forward. With much ceremony, the Phantom presents him with the Golden Stalker trophy.)

Anthony: "Thank you! Thank you very much, Mr. Phantom, sir! I'd like to thank…well, there are a lot of people I could thank, but I couldn't have done it without my beloved Johanna!"

Johanna: "Oh, darling!" (She runs up onto the stage and throws her arms around him; they kiss passionately––the Phantom discreetly averts his eyes.)

Phantom: "That concludes our ceremony. Thank you for tuning in. Please remember to support your local equity, regional, community, and high school theaters and national touring companies."

T.G. (To the audience of stalkees (i.e., the girls they stalked)): "Ladies, if you should desire to take out a restraining order against any of tonight's nominees, please visit the booth in the back of the auditorium on your way out. The Oven Mitt Troll will be happy to assist you."

OMTy: "Restraining orders! Get your restraining orders right here!"

Christine: "Well, I'm getting mine!"

Belle: "Count me in!" (The other girls quickly line up behind them)

Cosette: "Marius? Who are you taking out a restraining order against?"

Marius: "Her!" (He steps aside; Eponine is right behind him, still clinging to his arm)

Eponine: "I'll never let you go, Marius!"

Marius: "I was afraid you'd say that."

Anthony: "Johanna! I thought you liked me stalking you!"

Johanna: "I do, dearest, but with a family history like mine…well, a girl can never be too careful."

OMTy: "I ought to start charging for these things."